We sense many great things for you, Elizabeth! We sense candlelit dinners, popcorn at the movies, a partner at the Year 10 formal!
We wish you the very best.
Yours,
The Young Romance Association
Dearest Elizabeth,
Excuse me while we throw up over here. Who are you trying to kid?
Try and keep in mind what Saxon looks like, would you honey?
COLD HARD TRUTH ASSOCIATION
Richard Clarry
15-2203 Trillium Avenue
Toronto, CANADA. M5S 2H3
Dear Richard,
DON’T BE SHOCKED.
Be prepared. Maybe you want to sit down to read this?
I am your stepsister.
You know Albert Clarry? Your stepfather? He happens to be my father.
Surely he has mentioned me to you?
Still, who knows. I’m very sorry if he hasn’t and this is a Major Shock to you.
Anyway, has he mentioned that he used to be married to somebody else before he met your mother? Has he mentioned that he had a child with that person? Well, I am that child.
I’m writing now because I’m on a train at the moment.
That might seem a strange reason to you but it’s perfectly obvious to me.
Being on a train always makes me think about everything, like life and everything. I don’t know why that happens to me. Maybe it’s the way the train rocks? Maybe a rocking motion makes you think deep and philosophical thoughts? I wonder if that means babies are always lying in their cradles being rocked and working out the meaning of life? They probably are you know, and it’s completely wasted because they can’t talk.
Anyway, I’m with two friends, and we’ve just been to Coffs Harbour on a kind of holiday. Now we’re on our way home. Both of my friends are asleep which is why I had time to think the deep and philosophical thoughts that the train was rocking into my head.
And what I thought was this: a stepbrother and a stepsister should really be friends. Especially when I have always been an only child and always wanted a brother or a sister, and all the time there has been the possibility of a brother.
Or maybe you think I’m being stupid.
You know how your stepdad’s in Australia at the moment? Well, that means I get to see him more often than usual (obviously), and we went out to dinner a few weeks ago, and I asked about you. I don’t want to complain about him (I guess you know him a lot better than I do), but he always acts so strange when I ask about you. He seemed to think it was a completely MAD idea to write to you.
So I am.
I’m writing to you. I don’t even know what to say. I guess I shouldn’t say very much because maybe you don’t want to hear from me anyhow? It’s just it’s been in my head, somewhere in the back of my head, ever since Dad said that it would be a mistake. I just want to find out from you if you think it’s a mistake too.
So.
I hope you don’t think this is crazy.
I hope you’ll write back but don’t worry if you don’t want to.
I don’t even know if I’ll send this. But I think I will.
Best wishes,
Elizabeth Clarry
PART
four
ELIZABETH!
WELCOME BACK!
SORRY THAT I AM NOT HERE NOW TO MEET YOU. I HOPE CELIA’S MOTHER COLLECTED YOU ALL FROM THE STATION OKAY. I HOPE YOU ARE OKAY.
CALL ME AT WORK, DARLING.
I’M VERY SORRY BUT I HAVE SOMETHING BAD TO TELL YOU.
LOVE,
YOUR MUM
Elizabeth Clarry, Home Room 27
Dear Elizabeth,
Welcome back to school – I look forward to having you in the class again. Hope you kept up your reading while you were away!
I have enclosed all the letters that you received from your pen-pal at Brookfield while you were away. I labelled the envelopes too – letter 1, 2, etc, so you’d know which order they arrived in. Now they’re in nice chronological order for you. Looks like he/she was missing you!
See you in English tomorrow.
All the best,
Mr Botherit
Letter 1
Dear Elizabeth,
My God, your letter was such a shock. On your way to rescue Celia??? From a circus in Coffs Harbour with a cute guy named SAXON WALKER?????
You forgot to give me space in your letter to get over the shock. It’s the coolest. You must be the nicest, most generous best friend in the world. I mean, okay, fair enough, you’re getting an advantage cos you’re going north with a cute guy that you like. But even so. You’re going a far far far distance just to, kind of like, be there for your best friend. I really, really think you’re lovely and you should get a Best Friend Award at the next Academies.
I have to say though, I’m kind of jealous. I know, it’s crazy. We haven’t even met each other, but I still wish you were my best friend too. (OH GOD. I SOUND LIKE SUCH A WALRUS NOW. AND I’M EVEN STARTING TO CRY, PRACTICALLY.) It’s just that my best friend, Maddie? I mean, she’s fantastic fun to hang around with and you know, watch MTV and eat mango ice-cream and chocolatechip cookies. And she’s my cousin so we know just everything about each other.
But now when I need her, it’s kind of like she’s not really there. I mean, she’s there. I mean, she still exists.
She’s still breathing, last time I checked.
And she tries really hard to listen when I talk to her, and she gives advice and everything. But she’s just. I mean. I don’t know what I mean.
I have to explain. Remember I told you about that new guy at Maddie’s school who she liked? Well, she decided to go out with his best friend to get him jealous, which my mum said was morally reprehensible and I thought so too, so I told her so, but she just said, ‘A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do’ and then did what she had to do.
So she asks out the guy’s friend, and they go out a few times, and TYPICAL MADDIE, she falls for the friend. It’s cos she’s so obsessed by love. It means she’s always kind of catching it, like a flu or something.
So she falls for the friend, who is a fucking lunatic, and get this? He talks her into sneaking out with him in the middle of this full moon night and helping him to steal his older brother’s hang-glider. They take it up to the Gap, you know the place where normal people go to do themselves in, but where Maddie and this guy go to have a good time.
So they get to the top of the cliff and drink like half a bottle of bourbon each to get themselves brave enough to do it. But Maddie starts chickening out and saying, ‘You know, maybe we should just get a pizza and look at the stars’ and this guy’s saying to her in a kind of dopey voice, ‘If you really love me, you will fly into the night sky with me and touch the stars.’
I don’t know if he was being romantic or if he’s so stupid he actually thought he could touch the stars. You never can tell.
Anyway, so Maddie keeps saying no, and suggesting pizza toppings they could choose instead of flying to the stars, until this guy gets mad and says that if she won’t come with him, he’ll go and fetch her a star himself, and that’s how much he loves her and it’s such a sad tiling that she doesn’t love him as much as he loves her.
And he gets on the hang-glider all dramatic and sobbing, and goes flying off the edge of the cliff and of course he crashes. It’s incredible he didn’t the, actually. Maddie had to run all the way down to the pizza shop, and get them to call an ambulance, and helicopters had to come and rescue this stupid guy, and Maddie got to fly in the helicopter, and now the guy’s in hospital in a coma, although they reckon he’s going to wake up soon and he’ll be fine.
ANYWAY, so Maddie is spending all her time at the hospital now trying to wake this guy up from his coma by singing lullabies to him (I tried to explain to her that lullabies are actually meant to put people to sleep, but she was too hysterical to get the point) – and when I do get to talk to her, she’s just full of stories about hang-gliders and ambulances
and helicopters and free ham and pineapple pizzas. The guy in the shop gave her the pizzas because he felt sorry for her.
She’s not interested in my stupid complicated problem.
I just kind of wish you weren’t away right now. I don’t know when you’re coming back, or when you’ll get my letter. It’s not even a problem really. It’s not such a big deal. It’s nothing. I’m being stupid. It’s just Derek.
You know, Derek, my BOYFRIEND. And you know how he was trying to talk me into having sex and that? So I did it, just the other day. It was fine, but kind of stupid and embarrassing. Different to what I expected.
And the thing is now? For some reason I want to break up with Derek. I have all these confused thoughts in my head, like I’m angry with him. But that’s stupid cos it’s not his fault. I mean I said yes. And I only did it because I really really wanted to. I keep getting in these stupid moods where I think everything’s horrible now, and ruined. Like something really important happened to me, and Derek’s not taking it seriously enough. Then the next moment I think don’t be stupid, it only seems like it’s a big deal because people talk about it like it is.
Then the next moment I want to try and have sex again.
I’m just going blah blah blah and you won’t even get this until you get back and I’ll probably be perfectly happy by then and just about to get married to Derek or something. Good luck with Celia. I hope the rescue works well.
Love from Christina
Letter 2
Dear Elizabeth,
HELP.
What should I do?
You know in my last letter I was going on and on about how maybe I should break up with Derek and that? Well now I’ve got a much bigger problem. We did it again, sex I mean, yesterday afternoon while his parents weren’t home, and this time the condom broke. How come condoms break? What’s the point in them if they do that?
What I want to know is: how come there’s this big anti-AIDS campaign all based on condoms, when condoms BREAK.
It ought to be illegal. People could DIE.
I’ll die too, if I’m pregnant and my father finds out.
What should I do? I don’t want to have an abortion, I don’t want to have a baby. Should I take the morning-after pill? But how do you get the morning-after pill? Does the doctor tell you you’re stupid? Is it legal to get it when you’re only fifteen?
God, you won’t even get this till it’s too late probably. Next time I see you I’ll have a litle baby in a pram. Maddie’ll be singing lullabies to my baby instead of to her coma boyfriend. God, my father’s going to murder me.
I know it’s not your fault that you’re not here. Maybe I should try calling Maddie.
Love from Christina
Letter 3
Dear Elizabeth,
I took the morning-after pill. I’ve been throwing up all day. Mum thinks it’s the new breakfast cereal she just bought, and she threw away the box. That’s a real bummer cos it was delicious.
The doctor was nice, luckily, but she kept asking for details about my sex life and contraception and everything. It was so embarrassing. She also seemed to think it would be a great idea if I started ‘discussing these issues with my parents’.
Yeah, I can really imagine it –
‘Hey, Mum, you know what happened the other day? The condom broke while Derek and I were having sex! Funny, huh?’
‘Oh, bummer, Christina. Maybe you should go on the pill? Let’s get Renee in here and we’ll all have a chat about the best techniques.’
Or the next time Dad’s giving Derek and me a lift into town:
‘Oh, guess what, Dad. I took the morning-after pill the other day. Cheap condom split while we were having sex.’
‘Bad luck, Christina. Maybe you should try a more expensive brand? Here, take this twenty and spoil yourself with some upmarket condoms. And while you’re at it, here’s a hundred bucks, Derek – why don’t you take my little girl to a classy hotel and have yourself a bang-up banger of a night?’
I’m not talking to Derek now. I hate him. What if the morning-after pill doesn’t work? I’ll have to keep seeing Derek for the rest of my life when he comes to visit the baby. And even if he doesn’t the kid’ll look like Derek. It’ll probably inherit Derek’s stupid whistling talent and I’ll have to listen to that whistle forever.
I wish I had somebody to talk to. One thing I have to confess is that most of my friends at school are guys, and you just can’t talk to guys about stuff like this. I don’t know how that happened, I just always get on with guys. Also, girls seem to want to talk about school work all the time and what marks they got and how to do borders for their assignments and stuff. Guys practically never talk about school.
I know it sounds very stupid but sometimes I hate myself so so so so so so much. I’m so so so so so bad at school work. My mum and dad say it doesn’t matter, and I can run the florist shop when I’m older. I don’t want to sound like a bitch, but sometimes I think I’d get bored running the florist shop and I want to do something more exciting, and get kind of successful. Then I hate myself even more for that, and I can’t say that to my parents and I can’t get good enough marks at school to be anything successful anyway.
I feel like throwing up again.
How come you get to have so much time off school like that? When are you coming back?
Love from Christina
Letter 4
Dear Elizabeth,
I just got your next letter from Coffs Harbour, and God, I’m so jealous – that whole hot chocolate and white sand and grey sea thing. I really wish I was there. But I’m also very proud of you. CONGRATULATIONS. You actually rescued your friend. That’s fantastic – you are a fantastic best friend. The story was so exciting and you told it really well, with suspense and everything. I was hanging out to get to the end and see what happened.
I’m sorry I sent you all those hysterical letters about Derek and sex and pregnancy and everything. Now you’re going to get back and read them and think I’m out of my tree. You probably won’t want to ever write to me again. I’m so embarrassed. You probably won’t even have time to read them, now you’ve got Celia back, and it sounds like you’re practically married to that Saxon guy. Don’t worry if you don’t read them – it made me feel a lot better just to write to you. And I’m glad you sent me letters while you were away. They made me feel so much happier. Thanks.
That Saxon guy sounds nice by the way. He must be pretty cool if he’s got an auntie who collects cricket balls and plays computer games. I liked what he wrote in your other letter too – you know how he wrote a message to me when you were on the train on the way up there? I don’t forgive him for calling me Tina, of course. I never forgive anyone for that. But he still sounds nice. I hope something happens between you.
Anyway, I feel happier now. I’m not pregnant. Well, I don’t think I am. What’s the deal – if you get your period right away after you take the morning-after pill does that mean it WORKED and you’re not pregnant, or is that a fake period and you still might be? I’m just going with the first option. And Derek and I are kind of talking to each other again, even though we’re not together. I don’t even get upset about that really, as long as I don’t think about his body for more than a second. Don’t remind me of his body, okay?
I’m doing a lot of babysitting for my mum on weekends instead of going out, so my parents can have romantic nights out. I’ve probably saved their marriage. And it’s kind of fun watching videos and making frozen microwave meals for the kids. Although putting the kids to bed is not even this much fun: . That’s a dot to show you how not fun it is making Robbo clean his teeth and wash the chewing gum out of his hair, and put on his pyjamas and get into bed. I told you he was The Devil, didn’t I? Also, making Lauren go to sleep. Bloody hell. She thinks it’s all a big joke, like ha ha, you’re putting me in this cot and giving me this bottle and then you’re going to get in too, aren’t you and we’ll just muck around here for a while, right?
So then when you walk out of the room, she thinks, okay, you’ll be back in a second to continue the game, right? So then after exactly three minutes she’s worked out that it’s all a TRICK and she starts this scream like a jet plane taking off.
Still, Nick’s actually being helpful with the kids lately without needing to be beaten up first. And Renee lets Nick and me choose the videos and she watches us to see where I laugh so that she can laugh at the right place. Plus she does the washing up after the microwave meals.
And I thought of a career too. I heard about this thing called Management Consultancy and you can get rich, and all you’ve got to do is tell people how to get stuff done more quickly. You don’t even have to be smart or anything. And I reckon I would be so excellent at that. I mean, all the time, all around me, I see how slowly everyone does everything. E.g. The postman just kind of strolls along the footpath and men flicks through his letters before he puts them in the boxes; the woman at the fish and chips shop stares out of the window for a while before she thinks about putting the potatoes in the oil.
And you should hear how long my Maths teacher takes to tell us what we’re meant to do for homework. This is an example: ‘Probably the – ah – best – er – thing (cough) – at this stage of the game – ah – is – for you to try your – ah – hand, at the, what shall we say? Shall we say the – er – 7th and 8th – ah, no – yes, I think, I would say we should – er – discuss – yes, shall we say the 6th? Not the 6th! Crazy me! Wait on! Sit still! The 7th – yes, ah, er, the 7th unit in chapter, what chapter is that in? What chapter are we in? Ah. Yes, chapter 13. So let me ah er ah er ah er go over that one more time . . .’
Feeling sorry for Celia Page 8
