by Ryan Michele
“You just wanna strut your shit at Sully’s, don’t ya?”
“Kinsley, I’m not the same. Look at me. Do I look anything like that girl from five years ago?”
“No, and you’re going to cause one hell of a stir.” Sawyer was never one for any drama, and I knew it was going to be hard on her not to fade into the background, but it was time for her to live a little, too. Sawyer’s shyness had held her back for too long. We both needed a fresh start, and tonight was the night.
“Everything will be fine. We’ll take a cab, go out, have a few drinks and dance our asses off. If someone is there to see, then so be it.”
“You know he’ll be there, seeing as he owns the damn place.” Kinsley snickered.
I said nothing and smiled. Of course I knew.
Pulling up to Grams’s house, it looked exactly the same as when I left. At seventy-seven years old, Grams still did all her own gardening, making her home immaculate. Her pride in it reminded me of Papa. He was the gardener before he passed, and Grams didn’t want to let him down, so she kept it exactly how he liked it.
The rose bushes were my absolute favorite. Along the entire side of the small bungalow home were several bushes of yellow, pink, red, and white roses. Those were Papa’s favorite, which he planted many years ago. Grams took extra care of them, and you could tell.
Walking up to the door, I knocked twice and slowly opened the door. “Grams, it’s me,” I yelled. Her hearing had gotten worse over the years, and if she didn’t have her aids in, she couldn’t hear for shit.
The smells of the house engulfed me, making me want to cough a bit. I loved my Grams to death, but she wore this special perfume, and it smelled good when she wore the appropriate amount, but Grams tended to nearly bathe in it. I hadn’t the heart to tell her it’s too much.
Everything looked exactly the same, from the green shag carpeting in the living room to the ancient lights hanging from the ceiling. This was home.
“Savannah, my girl, you’re here!” Grams came around the corner wiping her hands on a kitchen towel before flinging it over her shoulder. Her soft, short, and gray curly hair bobbed as she headed my way. Her burst of energy surprised me as she practically ran to wrap her arms around me.
I immediately followed suit breathing in her perfume and trying to hold back the cough. “Hi Grams. Miss me?”
“Oh, honey.” I pulled out of Grams’s arms to see the tears running down her cheeks.
“Oh, Grams don’t cry.” I pulled her close again, letting her get out what she needed.
“It’s about time your skinny little ass showed up. I made food, and by the looks of you, you need it. Don’t they feed you in California?” Grabbing my hand, she pulled me to the kitchen.
My mind instantly wandered.
“Grams?”
“What baby girl?” Grams always looked so pretty in her yellow apron covered in white daises.
“Can I help with dishes?” I really want to help. “I know I’m little, but Mommy says I’m a good helper.”
“Of course. Go pull the chair to the sink and roll up your sleeves.”
I jumped happily. I loved helping Grams do everything. Running over, I did exactly as she said. “Ready!”
“Well, get busy washing, I don’t pay you to sit around all day.” She smiled at me. I knew she was joking with me. That was what Grams did—she made me smile.
“Hey Grams, you need help with the dishes?” I asked, trying to contain my laugh.
Grams knew exactly what I was remembering. She was one sharp tool. “After we eat. Sit.”
Sitting down at the old wooden table, I thought of all the meals we had here on Sundays before we left. There toward the end, my mom stopped coming, but I was always here.
“Tell me how your writing thing is going,” Grams said while putting way too much food on my plate.
“Grams, I can’t eat two sandwiches. Let’s just do one.” I smirked. “Writing is going great. I never thought my books would take off the way they have.”
“I’m glad you send them to me. I love reading them. The ladies in my bunko group have been passing them around. You are the talk … well, Gabriella Daniels is.” I blushed. I knew it was hard for Grams not to tell her friends the books were written by me. She was proud and wanted to let everyone know, but I couldn’t risk it. I didn’t want the world to know.
“I know it’s hard, Grams, but thanks for keeping our secret. I can’t believe your friends are reading them.” I laughed. It was awesome and weird to think of all these older women reading about sex, toys, and threesomes.
“Girl, you should hear some of those women talk. Those books have opened their eyes to lots of new things.” Grams winked.
“I don’t want to hear about your friends’ sexual encounters, but thanks.” I rolled my eyes, huffing out a breath.
“Oh come on, it could be your new book, writing for the older crowd.”
“Maybe.” I looked down at my food.
“I’m just kidding. We like reading about those hunky guys with their built bodies. Mmmm.”
“Grams, did you just lick your lips?” I asked in shock.
“Hell yeah. It’s been a long time since Papa left here, not to say that I’d ever cheat on him. Your books allow my mind to innocently roam.”
Grams very strongly believed in marriage and would consider even looking at another man cheating, even though Papa had been gone for years. I admired that about her, and I felt sad for her at the same time. I didn’t want her to be alone. Life was so short and I wanted her to be happy. She deserved it.
“Glad to help,” I mumbled.
“So, tell me how your mom’s doing.” Grams sighed. I knew she didn’t like hearing about the messes my mom had gotten herself into. Mom thought moving to California would help her get over the torture my father put her through, but it didn’t turn out as she planned.
“She’s still drinking a lot, and smoking, too. She tells me that she has been taking her meds, but I don’t know for sure.”
“I thought your aunt Tennie was taking care of her,” Grams huffed.
“I did, too.”
“What else? You’re hiding something from me.” I knew I couldn’t school my face to fool her, but I tried.
Blowing out a deep breath, I let it rip. “I guess Aunt Tennie goes out partying with her. They are living it up together … or so Mom says.”
“Great, now I have two drunks for daughters who don’t bother to call me.”
“I’m sorry, Grams.” I knew it hurt that her only two daughters never contacted her, but that was what happened when you told one that she was a drunk and needed to lay off the booze and the other that she needed to stand up to her cheating ass husband. Even though what Grams said was true, they didn’t take to kindly to it.
“Don’t be sorry, you and Keith are the only normal ones in this family. I don’t know what I am going to do with those girls.” Grams shook her head in disgust.
“How’s Uncle Keith doing?”
A huge smile formed on Grams lips. “He’s great. The whole family is. You need to meet up with your cousins; they won’t even recognize you. I doubt Keith or Mary will either.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long, Grams. You know I didn’t want to go, but I’m glad I did. I needed to get away from the gossip in this town and just grow up.”
“I know, dear. It was just hard when your mother uprooted you like that. I wasn’t ready.”
I grabbed her hand and squeezed gently, trying to reassure her.
“I’m gonna set up a dinner. You’re coming, and I’ll invite all of Keith’s crew so you can get reacquainted with them.”
“Sounds great, Grams.”
“I can’t wait!” The excitement in her voice filled me with such happiness. I missed her so much.
“Let’s get these dishes done.” Even though I didn’t need the chair anymore, I thought about bringing it with me, but when Grams turned and smiled at me I knew she wa
s thinking of the same memories. I loved this.
After finishing the last dish, I knew it was time to face another memory. “I’m gonna head out. The girls are taking me out tonight, so I need to get myself ready.”
“I wish I could be there to see all those faces when you walk in. You have grown into such a beautiful woman. You have fun, baby girl.”
“I will. I love you.” I wrapped my arms around her tiny body, crushing her to me without hurting her.
“I love you, too. I’ll call you about dinner.”
“Great. I’ll be here. I missed you, Grams.”
“Me, too.”
Driving back from Grams’s, I couldn’t help but avoid the direct route. It had been five long years. I still held a bit of anger toward my mom for making me leave the way she did all those years ago.
“Savannah Marie Kelly, get your shit together. Now.” My mom’s slur of words—no doubt having to do with the bottle of vodka she’d just drowned herself in—flowed ferociously out of her mouth. I knew she drank, but tonight had been exceptionally more than I’d seen in the past. I prayed this was one of her drunken stupors, and it would all be over in the morning.
“Mom, go lie down, turn on your shows, and I’ll bring you some coffee.”
“No. We are leaving this hellhole tonight. Whatever you don’t pack now, you will never have again, so I suggest you get your shit together.”
“I know you’re hurting. Let’s get one of the pills the doctor gave you and just take a rest. When you wake up, we’ll talk about this.” I was trying my damnedest to stay calm and not totally freak. I knew that would send her over the edge.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t been here numerous times. Ever since my dad took off with his whore, my mom had been a total mess. I finally talked her into seeing a doctor, but she preferred to cope with her alcohol more. She said the doctor didn’t do anything but sit and listen to her babble, but didn’t give her any advice or solutions on solving the gaping hole in her heart. The doc wanted her to figure it out.
I wanted to go in there and yell at the dumbass. If my mom could figure this shit out on her own, I wouldn’t have been pushing her to go and talk to the doc in the first place. So, I can’t really blame my mom for not wanting to keep going back, but thankfully, so far, she continued to go.
“I’m not going to bed or taking one of those damn pills. You just want to drug me and knock me out!” Mom’s screeching voice mixed with her slurring was giving me a headache.
“I just want you to calm down …” And stop destroying my entire life from your rampages.
Mom turned and marched into her bedroom. Between her yelling, I could hear things getting thrown around. This again was nothing new. Her temper was another one of those great things that happened after my dad left. Mom couldn’t seem to rein it in. She just exploded without thinking twice.
BAM … BAM …
Jumping off my bed, I flew to the door and opened it. “Mom, calm down.”
Mom peered into my room. “You’re not packing. Why aren’t you packing? Do you want to leave everything behind?”
“Mom, please. We can’t leave. It’s my senior year. I want to be with my friends, and I can’t leave Deke. I know what Dad did was horrible, but we can’t let him do this to us.”
Mom’s face grew furious. “You. You. You. It’s always about you. What about me? Huh? I have to live in this damn town with your dad parading his floozy on his arm. I have stay here listening to all the rumors about him getting remarried and the ‘poor Annabelle’ lines. Well, I’m sick of it, and I’m not doing it another day. We are getting the hell out of here first thing in the morning.”
Annabelle Kelly had never been one to be pushed around, even when Dad was here. She always had the upper hand in everything. That was just how it was. Now that Dad was gone, she did everything she could to keep that upper hand.
“Mom, I know this is hard. It’s hard for me to see them together, too. I hate it, but we can’t let him ruin our lives anymore.”
“That’s what we are doing, Savannah. We are getting the hell out of here and taking back our lives.” It doesn’t get past me that her voice is much clearer than it was a couple of hours ago. She must be burning off the alcohol in record speed.
“Mom, where are we going to go?”
“Aunt Tennie’s.” Ugh. I was afraid she was going to say that. Her sister, Tennie, had only met me twice in the seventeen years of my existence, as she was in California and we lived here in Alabama. I knew nothing about the woman except she had money. Like I gave a crap about her money.
“I don’t know her, and I don’t think we would fit in too well in California.” I knew I wouldn’t. My Southern twang would grab everyone’s attention.
“You’ll get to know her. I’m serious, Savannah. We’re leaving in the morning.” Without another word, she turned and left me in the middle of my room where I began pacing.
How in the hell was I going to leave everything here? My friends since kindergarten were here. I couldn’t leave Kinsley and Sawyer. They helped pick up the pieces when Dad left, and now I was just supposed to tell them bye.
Deke—how in the hell could I leave him when he needed me so much right now? I loved him too much.
A plan. I needed a plan. Thinking on my feet, I rushed to my mom’s bedroom door. “Mom?”
“What?” she snapped.
Taking a calming breath, I asked, “How about I stay with Grams, and you go out with Aunt Tennie for a while?”
I did not miss the shock and hurt that crossed her eyes. “Oh. So that’s it. You want to leave me, too. I should have known you were just like your father.”
A lonely tear fell from my eye. Her words hurt; no scratch that, they cut … deep. My father leaving us hurt more than words could ever say. It changed me. It changed my mom. I never wanted to be like my father … ever. The ache in my heart physically hurt. I wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear.
I knew I had to do this for Mom. I couldn’t abandon her. She needed me, and as my mom, she outranked everyone. I didn’t want this. I hated this. I would also never forgive Mom for this.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I don’t want to leave you. I was just trying to make it easier on you. I’ll go with you. I’ll get my stuff together.” My words may have come out of my mouth as calm, but the tears splashing my face were a definite sign of my pain and hurt. I couldn’t hold it back.
Mom wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear, “Thank you. You’ll see this will be for the best.”
I pulled away from her, nodded, and left for my room. I needed to escape. As soon as my feet kicked my door shut, my knees buckled, falling hard on the floor. The tears turned into sobs that I couldn’t hold back. This was not how my senior year of high school should play out. This was not what I wanted for my life.
Now it was time for me to reclaim what I needed: My friends … Grams … Deke.
My plan for the night was simple—dress sexy and dance my ass off. I was going to have fun with my best friends and see what the night brought. I would not fall all over him, even though I would love to do so.
I had no intentions of throwing myself at him or making a fool of myself. Chances were, he still hated my guts and wanted nothing to do with me. If that was the case, I would rather know from afar and not have my heart stomped on again.
“Turn it up!” Kinsley yelled from the hallway. Reaching over to my iPod dock, I cranked up Justin Timberlake singing about bringing sexy back.
“Here, let me,” Sawyer said, pulling the hairbrush out of my hand.
I smiled at her reflection in the mirror. “Thanks, what should I do with it?”
“You have beautiful hair, Vann. I say let it flow down your back. We’ll use the iron a bit to get the kinks out, but even the wave on you is beautiful.”
I’d recently gotten bangs that flowed gently to the side of my face and had a shit ton of layers put in. If anyone asked me what my best feature was, I would always sa
y my hair. I loved it.
“You are going to have every guy begging for your attention tonight. Now let’s get you dressed.”
“What do you think?” I held up a short black skirt in one hand and short shorts one in the other.
“Skirt … definitely the skirt,” Kinsley said while dancing around the room.
“With what?”
Both Sawyer and Kinsley began ripping though my closet trying to find ‘the perfect top.’ I wasn’t sure I had that and was becoming a bit irritated they were throwing shit everywhere. “You know you’re picking all this up, right?” They just turned, smiled, and continued digging.
“This!” Kinsley yelled. She held in her hand my favorite plum top that had bling all around its plunging neckline. I had great cleavage in this shirt, not that I necessarily needed any help in that department.
“I love that shirt!” Sawyer’s voice came out, perky as ever.
“All the guys will be looking at your boobs.” Kinsley smirked.
“That’s the point of it, isn’t it?” I asked, pulling it on. It hugged my body like a glove. Adding my favorite black heels, I was ready.
“All right Vann, what’s really the game plan tonight? I know you want Deke, but he’s grown up and changed. You need to think before you act.” Sawyer spoke up, concerned. I knew she had reservations about me wanting Deke. Hell, I didn’t tell her, but so did I.
I’d admit that I was hoping a lot of what they’d told me about Deke’s ladies’ man status wasn’t true. I wasn’t going to be naïve, though, and pretend he hadn’t changed. Hell, look at me, I’d changed, too.
I was just going in with the knowledge that I wouldn’t sleep with him … at least not tonight. A smile crept across my face. I wanted that more than anything. My lonely nights were spent thinking of Deke.
“I’m gonna kiss you, Vann.” Deke’s thumb slowly grazed my bottom lip. His eyes piercing into mine, I wanted it, too, more than anything in the world.
