by Ryan Michele
“We all have choices, Vann. Some are made for us and others are our own. If it’s something you really want, don’t give up.”
“Funny. For five years I held onto my hope, but in one night it was crushed. I’m a big girl, though. I’ll be fine.”
“You waited five years for this asshole?” he asked, surprised.
“Yeah. See, I had to leave town, not by choice, mind you, but it messed everything up. It’s my fault, but having to choose family over everything else is what had to happen.”
“Do you regret your choice?” Gunner’s tone sounded like he was a million miles away and not standing right next to me.
“Ahhh … tricky question. Yes and no. Yes, because of what I lost and what could have been. Not saying it would have been anything; we were both young.” Walking over to the bench seat, Gunner followed and sat next to me. “It’s hard to miss someone so much and everyday feel like a part of you is breaking and dying off.” After no response from him, I continued, “No, because I needed to grow up. I needed to learn how to handle my family and make something of myself.”
“And you figured it would all work out if you saw him again?”
Crossing my legs, I turned toward him. “Honestly, I didn’t know what to expect. I’d been waiting so long to see him face-to-face that I had all these scenarios in my head of how it would play out, but nothing like what happened.”
“Maybe he was just as shocked as you were.” Gunner’s voice was a low whisper, and I could barely make out the words.
“Maybe, but he said goodbye, something I didn’t let him do before, and I could see in his eyes that he meant it.” Turning back toward the lot, I added, “I just didn’t expect it to suck so badly.”
“Well, he’s an ass for letting you walk away.”
“Thanks, but it’s a two way street, and it wasn’t meant to be. I’ll be fine. I’m really sorry about tonight. You’re a really nice guy, but it’s just too weird.” I turned to look at him. “You know, if you cut and lightened your hair, shaved off your goatee, and had blue eyes, I swear you could be his twin. I thought at first I was imagining it, but sitting this close, I can really see it.”
“Well, if I were him, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to let you walk away.”
Giving him a half smile, I stood up. I need to get the hell out of here. “Thanks for tonight and listening to me ramble. I’m sure you will find someone inside with a lot less baggage.”
Gunner rose and stood next to me. Inhaling his cologne, I wanted to melt. Surprisingly, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug. I rested my head on his shoulder and returned it, closing my eyes and enjoying the comfort.
“Wait,” Gunner’s deep voice had me turning my head up to look in his eyes, our faces close.
“What?” I asked.
“Why didn’t you come home sooner?” I thought it was an odd question from him, but then again, it was one I didn’t want to answer so I shrugged. “Come on, Vann, why? It seems odd that you waited.”
I closed my eyes and pulled out of his arms. I needed some air. Sitting back down, I crossed my legs. “Stupidity.”
“What?” Gunner moved to sit next to me.
Blowing out a long breath, I said, “In my messed up, teenage brain, I believed my mom. She told me repeatedly that he had moved on, and after the millionth time of hearing it, I believed her. I mean, what would someone like him want with a bookworm like me?” I waved my arm up my body. “He was popular and had every girl falling at his feet. Me, though? I was a wallflower. I knew I wasn’t in the same league as him.”
“What changed your mind then?” Gunner’s hand touched my thigh, but I didn’t pull away.
“Me. I changed.” We sat in silence for a moment. “After I went to college and got away from my mom, I finally realized that I’m not the shit on the bottom of someone’s shoe. I’m worthy of wanting what I want. I guess you could say I gained some confidence.” I smiled over at him.
“Glad to hear it, because you are a beautiful woman.”
“Thanks.” I blushed.
Hearing the sound of a car pulling up, I glanced over to see the cab I asked the bouncer to grab me was parked and ready. “Sorry to cut this short, but I have to go. Thank you for tonight.”
“It was fun. Thank you.”
“For what? I used you like a therapy session. What a great night for you,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Stop. It was great. It was nice to have a conversation that wasn’t hyped up on getting someone in bed.”
“Thanks, I think.” I didn’t know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult.
“Vann, just remember that, in life, lots of things aren’t what they seem. Sometimes it takes blind coincidence to pull in your favor. Sometimes it’s pure luck. Other times, it is persistence. Think about what you really want. You never know, this guy could be hiding and not ready to be found quite yet. It could be him and not you.”
As Gunner’s words began to sink in, I was mesmerized by his straightforwardness and willingness to give advice.
“Thanks.” Walking up to him, I threw my arms around him one final time. His strong arms pulled me into a tight hug. “Thank you for everything,” I whispered in his ear.
“It was nice to meet you, Vann. I’ll see you around.” Letting me go, he opened the cab door as I climbed in.
“Same here.”
Shutting the door, the cab took off. I couldn’t help but turn around to the man still standing there. If only it was a different time in my life, maybe it could have worked.
Fuck. I felt like I just experienced some out of body shit. Vann had no clue who I was, but she was damn smart. The comment about getting rid of my hair and changing a few things struck me. I should have known that if anyone would be able to tell, it would be Vann.
Luckily, alcohol played a role in keeping her thoughts away from the realization. But that fucking conversation. I wanted to know why she left. I’d wanted to know for five years, but couldn’t bring myself to talk to her. Anger was something that just ate at your insides, and I was too damn stubborn to let it go.
When she left, I couldn’t take it.
“What’s this?” I asked Mom.
“It was taped to the front door with your name on it,” she said curtly.
Who the hell would tape a note to the door? Texting, calling, emailing … but a letter. Really?
Climbing up the stairs to my room, I opened it.
She left? No, she didn’t leave. I just talked to her last night. She never said one word about leaving me.
Grabbing my keys, I ran outside and two doors down to her house. Banging on the door, my heart was beating feverishly. No answer. I slammed the door again with my fist, but nothing.
Running around the house, I peered up at Vann’s window. I’d climbed in it several times, and she always left it unlocked for me. Hoisting myself up, I found it open. Bingo.
Climbing in her room, everything was scattered. There were clothes, books, pictures laying aimlessly on the floor. The closet door was wide open, hangers dangling from the racks.
Shit.
Walking through the house provided the same picture. Everything was out of place and ransacked. If I hadn’t gotten the note from Vann, I would have thought they had been robbed.
She’d really left. Going back into her room, I slowly eased onto the bed. Lowering my head into my hands, a lone tear fell from my eye. She couldn’t have just left me.
Raising my head, I looked up to the ceiling; I thought God really hated me. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong in my life to keep having bad things happen every time I turned around.
Glancing at the dresser, I noticed a bunch of jewelry thrown about. Rifling through it, I didn’t see anything of significance. Looking down, I noticed the top drawer askew and something shiny caught my eye.
Inside was a long, black leather rope chain, and attached to the end was a key—a very old looking key with a long, rounded be
lly and a lone notch at the end. The top was rounded in several spots in a swirly design.
Reaching in, I picked it up in my palm, the weight of it heavy against my fingers. Clutching onto it for dear life, I wished that Vann would come walking in the room and say it was all a joke. But she never came in.
Eyeing the key, I realized this was the only connection that I had to her now. Slipping the key around my neck, I clutched it to my palm.
And five years later, I could still feel the rope of leather around my neck. Placing my hand on my chest, I could feel the key through my shirt. The rope was very worn since I had yet to take it off.
Heading back into the bar, I set my sights on grabbing Z and getting fuck out of here. Sliding up to him, I said, “Let’s go.” Z was still talking with Kinsley and Sawyer at the bar and, from that damn smile on this face, appeared to be enjoying himself. I wasn’t sure why he did this to himself; he knew these girls were off limits. They were the relationship type and that was not Z or I.
A slight brush of a hand on my arm caught my attention. Sawyer. I smiled politely at her. “Did Vann get in the cab okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Sorry about her. She’s just not herself right now.”
“It’s cool. She told me about it.”
Sawyer’s eyes bore into mine as she whipped her head around. “She told you about him?”
“Yeah.”
“But she knew you a whole five minutes,” she argued.
“Guess I’m easy to talk to.”
Sawyer sat for a bit, staring at me. “Huh. Well, he doesn’t know it, but he did a number on her.”
He did a number on her. What the fuck? I didn’t leave, she fucking did. Shaking my head out of my internal freak out, I focused on Sawyer.
“She said she had to leave.”
“Yeah, not by choice; her mom guilted her into it. She’s a piece of work. She tried to stay with her Grams, but her mom spewed a bunch of shit at her, and she believed it. Hell, she even tried to stay with me.” Turning to look me in the eye, she added, “I’m not sure what she told you, and she just has a lot to get over, but don’t count her out yet.”
Winking at me, she pulled Kinsley back out to the dance floor, leaving Z and me in the wake.
“Let’s go,” I growled.
“We gotta get some first,” Z argued.
“No. Not tonight. Let’s go.” Grabbing his arm, I pulled him to move.
“What the fuck is your problem?” Z barked at me.
“Nothing. Let’s go.” I let anger flow through me. I knew I was radiating some seriously mean vibes. I couldn’t put how I was feeling into words anyway.
“Fuck.” Z finished his drink and followed me out.
The car ride back was quiet, except for the roar of the Camaro engine. My mind replayed the entire conversation with Vann and Sawyer. She was guilted into going? Really?
Climbing out of Vann’s window, I ran. I took off until my body couldn’t move, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I hunched over and leaned against a large oak tree. The run did nothing to clear my mind, though. Did she even know how deep her leaving cut me? Did she even give a shit?
Jaxson left me, and now Vann. What the fuck was wrong with me that everyone I loved left? Tears freefell from my eyes, sadness roaring through me.
That was the last time I cried for Vann, and anger since took over. And I could deal with anger. I joined the gym and took every bit of frustration out on that damn bag, punching it ‘til my hands bled.
I thought I was over this shit.
“You gonna tell me what the hell’s going on?” Z muttered, breaking the silence.
“No.”
“Come on. If you want Vann, go for it.”
“If I wanted her, I would have her underneath me.”
“But instead you’re moping like a pussy.”
My hand instantly wrapped around the arm of his shirt, pulling him tightly. I knew my grip was rough, but I didn’t give a shit. “I’m not a fucking pussy.”
“Dude, chill.” Z didn’t even turn to look at me.
I released him and continued my blank stare out the window.
Waking up this morning sucked, but I needed to write. I had deadlines and they needed to be met. Sitting at my favorite spot on the deck, my hands began to glide over the keyboard.
“Vann!”
“Shit.” My hand fumbled on the keyboard.
“Yeah?” I yelled back at Kinsley.
“Here.” As she handed me a large mug of coffee, the thought crossed my mind to kiss her smack on the lips.
“Thank you. I need this.”
“So, you writing?”
“Was.” I glared at her.
“Sorry. I’m getting bad at that, huh?”
“It’s fine. It’s just something we gotta work out.”
“You know, Gunner was hot.”
Taking a deep breath, I knew this conversation was coming. I’d been trying to avoid it most of the morning. “Yeah, I don’t know what it was about him, but he was really easy to talk to.”
“Maybe you can go out with him sometime,” she suggested, shrugging her shoulders.
I knew she was trying to get me over Deke, but going out with Gunner wasn’t going to happen. “He reminds me too much of Deke.”
Kins’s eyes bore into mine. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Just a vibe I got.”
“No biggie. There are tons of hotties around here.”
I smirked.
Going back to my laptop, writing became difficult as thoughts of Deke continually entered my brain.
When I talked to Grams on the phone, she was so excited to see me tonight, and I’d admit I was, too. After not seeing her for so long, I felt as if I needed to make up for lost time.
“Grams?”
“Oh, my girl, come give me a hug.” Embracing her and smelling her perfume, I felt as if I was finally home. Dad ruined everything back then and nothing was ever the same.
“Hey Grams. Need any help?”
“Sure thing. Come.” Following Grams down the narrow hallway, the kitchen was singing with pots bubbling and cooking utensils everywhere. Grams always liked to have ‘everything within reach’ when she cooked.
“Here Grams.” I handed her the small tin I held in my hands.
“What’s this?”
“A present.”
Opening the tin, her face lit up as soon as she saw it. “You made me fudge?”
“Of course I did.”
The small tear that wavered in her eye did not escape me, but I didn’t make a big deal of it. “Thank you, my girl.”
“You’re welcome. What do ya need me to do?”
Brushing her hands on her daisy-covered apron, she got down to business. “Start over there with the veggies. Cut them up to go in that big bowl for the salad.”
We worked in silence for some time, the only sound filling the kitchen was Grams moving from pot to pot. It was noisy, but peaceful being in the kitchen with her again. “You know, I wasn’t gonna bring this up, but you may see your dad around town. He moved back.”
My head whipped around to Grams. “What? When?”
I had known Dad moved away from Cottonwood because of Grams. I thought it was for the best being as I wanted to come back and really didn’t care to see him. “About two years ago. I was gonna tell ya earlier, but just didn’t want ya to hurt, and I didn’t want it to be an excuse for you not to come home.”
“That wouldn’t keep me away. Is she with him?” I already knew the answer; I just needed to hear the words.
“Yep. And their kid. Your sister.” I groaned. I knew I had a five year old sister. Grams didn’t keep that from me, but I had no connection to her since dad moved away right after he split from mom.
“Grams, I can’t do this,” I whispered.
“I know it’s hard, my girl, but it is what it is. Your daddy didn’t make good choices and let me tell you, I’ve had a hard time getting ov
er what he did to you girls, but it’s in the past. You should get to know your sister.” Grams’s eyes were soft, but firm.
“I don’t know about that.” I hadn’t known a lot of things when I left—only that my mom was having a mental breakdown.
“The kid’s innocent.” I knew deep down Grams was right. Even now, having the sister I’d always wanted, I couldn’t help but think of all the hurt the whole situation caused my family.
“Grams. I don’t think I can.”
“You don’t have to do it today. Just think about it. And be prepared if you happen to see him downtown.” Grams patted my shoulder and then squeezed it slightly.
“What’s he up to these days?” I knew I shouldn’t give a shit, but he was my father.
“When he got back, I don’t know how he did it, but he bought the laundromat and carwash in town. He runs them,” she said as she stirred the pot.
“Wow. Guess he’s back to normal, huh?” Dad was always involved in something. It never failed, he was trying the next best thing.
“Guess so. Are you?” Grams’s voice was incredulous. I knew she only wanted the best for me, but she made it difficult to answer her.
“I’m fine.” My voice was low and quiet.
“You will not lie to me, young lady,” Grams’s stern voice had me turning toward her.
“Sorry, Grams. It’s part of me that I have to deal with.” Not really. I hadn’t done well dealing with the first year being in California. Mom’s constant badmouthing and my anger from having to move ate at me, making me hate him. But as time went on, I started seeing things differently and not with rose colored glasses. It didn’t make it any easier.
Grams stopped stirring the spaghetti noodles and got right in my face. “You’re giving him and your mom control. You need to take it back.”
“What?” I asked her, stunned by her abruptness.
“You are giving him the control of your life. You have to figure out how to deal with it,” Grams said as if it were the most common knowledge in the world.
