On the way to the doctors, Emily talks about how things won’t be the same without me. I want to say the same but my throat constricts. I try to swallow past the lump that forms but I can’t. I’m afraid that if I speak I’ll start crying and won’t be able to stop. I can’t let them see that this is hurting me as much as it’s hurting them, so I stay quiet.
When we pull into the parking lot, Keith drops Emily and me off at the door and pulls away to park the truck. When he returns, he takes the empty seat next to me, picks up a car magazine and begins skimming the pages.
Unconsciously, I bob my knee up and down. Emily places a calming hand on my knee to steady it. “Relax, dear, this will all be over before you know it.” She leans in and whispers.
“I know. I’m just anxious I guess.” I say and I bite the inside of my cheek.
“No need to be anxious, Phoebe. Dr. Baylor is a great doctor, I’m sure he’ll be gentle.” She offers me a reassuring smile.
I return the smile but I’m still nervous. My attention is drawn to two small kids who are playing with toys and books in the corner of the room. Their mom watches them with a proud smile on her face.
I wonder what it will be like to have kids of my own? The thought never really crossed my mind before, but after knowing the love a parent has for their child through my mom—and now Emily—I wonder if it really would be all that bad?
Baby steps. I remind myself.
But right now my career has to come first, than I can entertain the idea of allowing others into my life. Maybe I should give Austin a call and see if he’s free tonight. After all, I have reason to celebrate.
“Ms. Andrews?” A nurse calls from the open door.
I bite my bottom lip nervously and stand up. I look over my shoulder at Emily. “Will you come with me?” I ask.
Her expression softens and her eyes glaze over. “Of course I will.” She quickly sets down the magazine and tells Keith that we’ll be back shortly.
The nurse leads us into a small room with nothing but the patient table and a small sink.
“There’s no place for you to sit,” I turn to Emily and frown.
“I’ll just stand, it’s okay.”
I hop up on the table and lie down, biting the inside of my cheek nervously, I stare up at the ceiling and try to count all of the small dots in the tiles. Minutes later, there’s a soft knock on the door and Dr. Baylor enters.
“Good to see you again, Phoebe. You look a lot better than the last time I saw you,” he chuckles.
Great, lame doctor jokes.
“We’ve taken good care of her,” Emily adds.
“I knew you would.” He winks at her and snaps on a pair of latex gloves.
He checks the stitches and selects a pair of scissors off of the metal tray.
I close my eyes and wait for it all to be over. I cringe and wait for the pain, there isn’t much—just some slight pressure and tugging.
“All done,” I hear and open my eyes to see him peeling off the gloves and throwing them in the trash can.
“Now, let’s check out your wrist.” He sits himself on a small round stool and slowly removes the brace off of my wrist.
After x-rays, and a quick feel around to make sure there are no soft spots or pain, he tells me that it’s healing up just like he had expected. I’m not able to take the brace off completely but I am able to take it off to shower. I make another appointment for two weeks’ time and he assures me that he sees no problem with me being freed completely from the brace then.
When we leave the office, Emily and Keith offer to take me to lunch. Since I skipped breakfast, I go willingly—who am I to pass up free food?!
We stop for ice cream after lunch and swing by a dealership so Keith can check a truck he spotted yesterday while he and Dean were out looking. Apparently both vehicles from the crash were totaled so it’s almost a win-win for us all.
I’ve been avoiding my Angel at all costs. Correction, just angel. She’s not mine—never was, and never will be if this morning was anything to go by. I sit on a bale of hay and contemplate what I’m going to say to Devon. The stable doors open and Devon greets me with a smile. I’m sure she thinks I called her over here for a quick fuck, but that’s not the case.
“Hey, Dev,” I wrap my arms around her neck and pull her into me.
“Hi, Dean,” she mumbles into my chest and wraps her arms around my waist but, for the first time since I’ve known Devon, her touch doesn’t affect me.
I release her and take her hand and walk her over to a bale of hay. “Listen, I need to talk to you about something…”
“It’s Phoebe, isn’t it?” Her tone is laced with disappointment.
Well I’ll be damned—is it that obvious? Something in her eyes tells me she knows exactly why I called her over here. Her eyes glaze over and the last thing I want to do is hurt her, but I need to be honest.
I nod and she quickly looks away. “Listen, Dev. It’s not what you think.” I place a hand under her chin and lift it upwards, forcing her to look at me.
“You have no idea what I’m thinking so why don’t you just tell me.” She crosses her arms over her chest and stares me down, giving me the ‘you’re an asshole’ look.
“You don’t have to get mad, I just need some advice. I can’t talk to my parent’s or the guys—” She cuts me off before I can finish.
“So now you use me whenever you feel the need. I’m okay when you need to get laid because Lord knows I need it too but to ask my advice on how to get the girl you want when I’ve been trying for years to get you? How do you think that makes me feel?”
Shit, I fucked up again. She’s right. All this time she’s been asking for more and I wasn’t willing to give it—at least not to her.
“I’m sorry, Dev. I know we’ve had this thing for years but you want more than what I can give you and we both know you deserve better.”
She rolls her eyes but I ignore her and tell her everything—from the first touch, to the dreams, to the day at the lake. I’m not gonna lie, she looks hurt, but there’s no way I can spare her. Believe me I would if I could. I want her to know the truth and regardless of how things turn out with me and Phoebe, I know I need to sever ties with Devon.
After I tell Devon everything, she doesn’t say a word, she scoots closer to me and has a look of lust in her eyes. I’m about to back away when she brushes her hand against my cock.
I want to move away but I’m frozen in shock. I just finished telling her that we can’t hook up anymore and here she is, trying to seduce me. I’m pissed at myself for my lack of self-control.
I grab hold of her wrist to stop her. “Devon, don’t. We can’t.”
“Oh come on, Dean. Just one more time won’t hurt anyone. I know you like Phoebe but you said it yourself, you’re not together and you don’t know if you ever will be,” she whispers in my ear and begins to place soft kisses along my neck.
This is going to be harder than I thought. Her hands skate up and unbutton my jeans. I want to stop her but, damn—there’s only so much teasing a man can take.
I stand up, place my hands on my hips and blow out a sigh as I stare down at her. “Once more, Devon, and that’s it.”
She nods and a smile tugs at her lips.
If one last fuck is what it takes for her to be okay with our ‘relationship’ ending after all these years, then I know what I have to do.
I pause for a minute and think about what I’m about to do. This might be easier if I don’t have to look at her. I tell her to stand up and I bend her forward at the waist, placing her hands on the hay. Sliding her shorts and panties quickly down her legs, I toss them aside. I slide my jeans down to my knees, take a condom out of my wallet and slide it on. And even though it’s Devon in front of me, only thoughts of Phoebe run through my head.
I’m so excited on the way home that I want to celebrate somehow. I pull out my phone and text Devon to see if she and Addison want to meet up tonight but she doesn’t
respond. My smile widens when we pull into the driveway and Devon’s car is there next to my truck.
Without even thinking, I hop out and run into the house but nobody’s in there. I come back out and glance around the yard.
“If you’re looking for Dean and Devon, check in the barn and the stable,” Emily suggests. “I’m going to get lunch started.” She says as her and Keith walk into the house.
“Sounds good, I’ll only be a minute,” I call over my shoulder.
I run to the barn but they aren’t there either. I reach the stable, pull open the door and I’m about to call out for them, but I freeze when I see him. Dean has Devon bent over, and he’s grasping onto her hips, pumping away with vigor and groaning.
Oh my god. Oh my god. What do I do? Shit, I know what I need to do but I can’t move. Damn my legs!
I thought they were over, that’s what he told me anyways. My eyes well up with unshed tears, I turn to run out the door and let it slam behind me. Running as fast as I can, I reach the house, pull open the screen door and take the steps to my room two at a time. I close the door behind me and fall onto the bed, hugging my pillow tight as the tears begin to flow down my cheeks. In the midst of everything, I’m struck by how emotional I’ve become since the accident. It’s not like me to react like this, and I hope once I move into my own place I can leave the tears behind me and start getting back to normal.
I ignore the knocking at the door and cry until there are no more tears left. I cry for what I just witnessed, for the love I feel for Emily and Keith knowing that I’ll be leaving them behind, and also for how much I miss my mom. Right now I could use her small arms wrapping me into a hug. I reach for the locket around my neck, grasping the silver circle tightly in my hands I hum the only thing that seems to make things better, “Dream a Little Dream of Me.”
I try so hard to finish. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I asked her over to talk, but I should have known that Devon wasn’t going to just let it end there. I ignore Bo when he starts wresting around. I close my eyes and picture Phoebe in front of me instead of Devon.
That’s all the encouragement I need. I let my orgasm go and release, groaning Phoebe’s name. Immediately after I say it, I realize I fucked up… again.
Devon quickly stands and grabs her clothes. “I can’t fucking believe you, Dean. You just screamed out her name while you were fucking me?!” She stands on the bale of hay to yell in my face.
“Dev, calm down. I’m sorry.”
“You seem to be saying that a lot lately, Dean.”
She steps down, quickly dresses and stomps off towards the door.
“I know I have, but that was an accident. I mean the whole thing was an accident, it shouldn’t have happened.” I grab her by the arm and spin her around.
“Well I guess I should apologize too then. Just before you came, Phoebe was here. I peeked over my shoulder when Bo started to make noise, and I saw her. She was standing there with the door open and watching us like some freak,” she spits.
I drop my hand from her arm and she turns to leave while my world comes crashing down. She could be lying, but why would she make something like that up. I’ve known Devon for most of my life and, I knew she could be vindictive towards other girls, but never in a million years did I think she would be such a bitch to me.
I run my hands through my hair. Fuck, if she’s telling the truth then I’ve screwed up more than ever. I take a few calming breaths and toss the used condom in the trash, I zip up my jeans and head into the house. Mom and Dad eye me, and I know I’m in trouble.
“What?” I ask and look away so they can’t see the tears threatening to fall. How could I be a sap over a girl I’ve only known for a few days? Oh, right—because she’s actually pretty incredible, and I’ve fucked it all up by screwing Devon.
“What in the hell did you do, Dean?” My dad’s voice booms in a way that I’ve never heard before.
I don’t answer. Instead I bypass them and run upstairs. I put my hands on my knees and catch my breath before knocking on my bedroom door. My knocks quickly turn into pounding, but she still doesn’t open.
I twist the handle and peek inside, and see her curled up in a tight ball on my bed. My heart is pounding so hard that it feels like it’s going to beat right out of my chest.
I step inside and whisper her name, but she doesn’t answer. Her chest heaves as if she’s crying, but her eyes stay closed.
Fuck! I did this to her. What kind of person does something so shitty?!
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I watch her sleep. Her tiny hands tightly grasped around that locket she always wears around her neck. I think this is the most peaceful I’ve ever seen her—she really does look like an angel. Her blonde hair flows over my pillow and her red lips part slightly.
She has the perfect nose, the perfect lips, the perfect skin, the perfect hair, the perfect… everything. I’ll never be man enough to claim her as mine. I had my own slice of heaven in my arms yesterday but I screwed up again, and now it’s gone.
I take Bo out of his stall and saddle him up. Ignoring the calls from my parents, I swing my leg over and ride off—not knowing where I’m going, but not caring either.
My chest contracts when I think about what she saw, and how she must have felt. My poor Angel.
I wake to the sound of my name being called. I roll over as my eyes flutter open, and I can make out a silhouette standing above me.
“Mom?” I mumble, rubbing my eyes and ridding them of any sleep.
“No, sweetie, it’s Emily,” she says in her calm, soothing tone.
I groan and roll back over, clutching the pillow to my chest and choke back tears. I thought I was done crying. I don’t want to cry anymore but I don’t seem to have control over my emotions anymore. I want my mom right now—she’s the only person I want to see.
“Phoebe, you need to eat supper,” Emily pulls the covers off and a chill sweeps over my body, but I don’t move.
“Can I just be left alone, please?” I choke on my words.
“Very well.” She leaves, closing the door behind her. Once she’s gone, I let the tears fall without hesitation.
I feel so stupid for actually believing Dean. I should have known that after so many years together that he wouldn’t give Devon up that easily. This is exactly the reason why I have my rules, and why I’ve followed them so intently.
I’ve never felt so much pain in my chest before today. I don’t think they saw me and I’m thankful for that. I can’t imagine how it would look for them to turn around and see me watching them go at it like fucking rabbits.
I lay in bed fully awake, a victim to the thoughts as images that race through my head. I should get up, pack my things and leave but I have no place to go. I could always check into a hotel and have the company reimburse me, but I don’t even have any spare cash after buying things for the condo.
With no intention of leaving the room for the remainder of the day, I decide to slip out of my clothes and into my pajamas. I stare out of the window and watch as the sun sets, leaving hues of orange and pink through the blue sky. It soon turns dark and the only light I can see is from the bright white moon, shining down into the room like a spotlight.
It feels so foreign to be seeking refuge in the room of the very man that just crushed me. I never opened my heart to anyone until I got here, and look what happens when I do. Dean didn’t just break my heart, he ripped it out of my chest, crushed it with his bare hands and left it bruised and broken.
My attention is refocused when I hear loud voices drift up the stairs. Tiptoeing to the door, I ease it open and I hear everything clearly. Dean and Keith are screaming at each other and I can hear Emily trying to play ref.
I come in after a long ride with Bo. To hell with the work that needs to be done—I’m sure my dad will get to it or I’ll just do it tomorrow. I don’t care about anything except for Phoebe right now. Fuck the animals, fuck the farm, fuck my parents and—sure as hell—fuck
Devon.
I know I was in the wrong to be with Devon one last time, and knowing that Phoebe was there watching makes me feel like the scum of the earth. I thought Devon and Phoebe were friends—at the bar after the party, the girls were talking as if they’d known each other for years. The fact that Devon would do that to Phoebe, makes me want to forget that I’d ever known her.
I need to fix this, I need to do something. I can’t run to the guys because I know that all they’ll say is that I’m screwed. It seems I never fail to disappoint and hurt the people I’m closest to.
I walk into the house to grab some clothes and my toothbrush. Those are the only essentials I need to get through a few days—anything else I need I’ll just buy at the Piggly Wiggly.
Just as I suspect, my parents are waiting for me in the kitchen. Time to face the music.
“I’m just grabbing some things and then I’m leaving,” I say as I walk past them and into the den.
“What the fuck did you do now, Dean? You should have seen that poor girl’s face when she came running in today,” my dad says, following behind me. I know if I respond to them, our fight will escalate and be heard for miles.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now. When I come back I’ll give you all the answers you need.” I find a duffle bag and piling my clothes inside. I don’t take much notice of what I’m packing because frankly, I don’t care.
“Where are you going?” My mom asks as she stands behind my dad with her hands on her hips.
“I don’t know,” is my only response. Hell, I haven’t got a clue where to go. All I know is that I can’t stay in this house. I know there’s a lot of work to be done and my dad can’t handle it all on his own but I need out. I need time alone and I don’t care if I have to sleep in my car to do it.
“You ain’t goin’ nowhere, Dean. Not until we have answers.” My dad commands. I can’t wait to get the loft cleaned up so I can just do the work that needs to be done and be by myself. They’ve treated me like a kid for long enough.
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