by K. A. Poe
4. COWARD
I felt like a coward as I soared through the darkness. This had been by far the longest amount of time I had kept shape, but that didn't matter to me right now. All that I cared about was the look I had seen on Salem's face when he saw what I had done. My wings carried me with no intended destination. It felt amazing to fly over the world. The cool rush of wind blowing passed me, the twinkle of street lamps below as I crossed over the highway. On-lookers would have thought I was just an ordinary bird. I flew until nothing looked familiar to me anymore.
I spotted a tree on a nearby hill and landed gently on one of its many limbs. My eyes scanned the surrounding area. I could see cars in the distance, inching across the asphalt like baby turtles slowly approaching the ocean's edge as they fought to make it home. A large, luminous moon hung in the ebony sky surrounded by small sparkling stars. I couldn't make out any constellations in the sky, aside from the big dipper. That was as much as I knew about astronomy.
I contemplated returning home but the idea of seeing Salem right now somehow made me nervous. In an attempt to think of anything at all to clear my mind, I thought about Janet. It was still heart wrenching to think about her being gone for good, but this memory was more distant. I could see her and Desmond clearly in my mind’s eye, laughing together as they pushed me on the children’s swing. It was hard to believe there used to be a time when they were happy together. This memory had been enough to relax my body and mind, the adrenaline from the encounter was slowly wearing off. Just as instantly as it had come, the familiar feeling of bones twisting and cracking came, and before I could grip the branch in my new form I fell to the ground. Everything went black.
When my eyes opened, I found the bright orb of the moon glaring down at me from between a jumble of tree branches. My head throbbed and my back ached from the fall. I rubbed my eyes and sat up. Panic began to settle in when I became aware of the fact that I had no clue where I was. How far from home had I flown? Perhaps I would be able to shift back into the raven if I concentrated hard enough. Then maybe I could remember from which direction I had come. I doubted I could shift at will, never being able to before, but was there any harm in trying?
I sat still with my head between my legs, imagining myself as a raven hovering over the world. Nothing happened. I clenched my eyes tight, imagining the pain and discomfort of the transformation itself. Still nothing. This was pointless. Salem was probably worried sick, unless of course he was sickened by the thought of me – of what I could do to him. This was getting frustrating; I had been trying to learn to control this so-called gift for months. I slammed my fists on the cool ground in hopeless anger and let out a frustrated yell.
My body began to shudder. Snap. Crunch. Before I knew it I was hovering in the air again, looking down on the spot I had just been sitting.
Without giving a second thought to how I had managed to shift, I flew in the direction I had come. I had no idea how long the transformation would last this time, and falling from this height would be far worse than what had happened at the tree. Before I knew it, the cemetery was below me again, and I averted my eyes. The next time I gazed down I saw the trailer Paul lived in, the school building, the park. I couldn't be far from home now.
The vast, white Victorian stood out amongst the thick foliage surrounding it. I hovered for what felt like a long time, wondering if I was ready to face him yet. I slowly lowered myself toward the back of the house. To my surprise, the window over-looking the lake was wide open and inviting. With one quick dive, I flew through the window and landed onto the sofa. I scanned the room quickly and was both disappointed and relieved that Salem wasn't anywhere to be seen.
My next step was to figure out how to phase back into my human form. If it was anything like it had been earlier, all I had to do was relax. That felt impossible. My mind was racing with all of the possible outcomes from the night, and the adrenaline was still pumping through my veins from the race home. Maybe there was one solution.
I hopped off of the sofa and flew up the stairs and into Salem's bedroom. My reflection on the mirrored floor caught me by surprise and I slammed head-first into one of the bed posts. Darkness swarmed around me once more.
“Alex?” Salem's voice was anxious. I couldn't decide if it was from fear or concern, maybe both. His cold hand caressed the side of my face and I blinked my eyes open. His complexion appeared paler than usual, if that was even possible.
My head ached as I recalled the incident, but to my relief my reflection was no longer that of a bird. The brunette-haired, hazel-eyed girl I saw every morning in the bathroom mirror gazed groggily at me. I scowled as I noted the red welt on my forehead and two small puncture wounds on my neck.
“Where have you been?” He carefully helped me up and sat me on the edge of the bed.
“I don't know...” I mumbled. “Somewhere outside of town, maybe close to Silverton I guess…”
He sighed, staring at me without lifting his gaze for even a second. “I have been beyond worried. Paul has been calling every hour asking about you.”
“I'm sorry.” My apology didn't feel like enough. I felt ashamed, and hoped my tone made that evident.
“We waited in the cemetery for over an hour, expecting you to come back...but you never showed up. Paul and Kim went home, but I stayed behind,” he frowned. “Eventually, I decided to check and see if you had come home by chance, and thankfully I was right.”
“You didn't have to stay and wait.”
“Yes, I did,” he protested. “I wasn't sure if you were ever coming back.”
There were no words to describe the way I felt at that second. “I was afraid that...” I paused, “that you wouldn't want me to.”
“Why in the world would I not want you to come back?!”
“Because...the way you looked at me last night...” I could barely speak.
Salem pulled me to his chest and held me tight – tighter than he ever had. “I was just shocked, that's all. You are so gentle and frail as my Alexis. Seeing you as the raven, doing what you did, I am still not used to it.”
“You don't hate me? Or think I'm some sort of monster?”
To my surprise, he laughed. “This is coming from the girl in love with a monster.” His lips met the top of my head and I melted comfortably in his arms. “Of course I don't think you are a monster, and I most certainly could never hate you.”
“Good,” I whispered. “I wish I felt the same.”
He pulled my head up to look at him, “You could never be a monster, Alex.” His eyes looked so sincere and gentle as he spoke, but I still felt unconvinced.
“I'm a monster for abandoning you last night.”
“Alex, you didn’t abandon me, you were just scared. I understand. Trust me.”
As I lay my head against his chest for what seemed like a long time, a realization came to my mind. My eyes widened and my mouth fell open as the fact hit that I had controlled it; I had altered shapes all on my own. “I controlled it Salem. I turned on my own…I…I don’t know how exactly, but I did it.”
He appeared curious but did not question me. He leaned back on the bed, pulling me with him. This was the perfect comfort zone, in his arms on his bed. I wasn't surprised to find myself dozing off slowly as he played with my hair and held me firm against him. It had been a long night.
5. LEARNING TO FLY
Paul was relieved to hear my voice when I called him the following morning and explained what had happened. He was overjoyed throughout the rest of the conversation, commenting on how impressed he was that I was finally learning to control the gift, as he always called it. I ignored most of his comments, although I did feel a slight sense of pride at my new found skill. Thankfully Paul didn’t object when I ended the call early by falsely telling him I needed to eat breakfast.
Salem was somewhat surprised when I rejected his offer for food, but I had other things on my mind. His eyes followed me curiously as I passed through the kitchen and into the
living room. I stood in front of the sectional sofa, held my arms out at my side and focused my thoughts on something I truly didn't want to. The image of Salem being attacked by the female vampire played through my mind repeatedly. I could feel the sadness and anger building inside my core and felt my body converting into the shape of the raven. I had found my source – Salem suffering, pain, anger, frustration--adrenaline. That would be enough to drive me into the wretched, deadly form.
My small, black head twisted backward to look at him. He was cautious, watching me flap my wings and rise into the air. If only I had discovered a way to speak in this form, it would make life much easier. I gave him a reassuring nod of my head and jumped through the window which was still open from the night before.
The wind whipped around me, threatening to blow me down with its force. I swam through the air, the breeze ruffling my elegant feathers. My reflection followed me as I hovered across the wide length of the dark water of the lake’s surface. I lowered my body toward the water, letting my talons skid across its surface before rising into the air. To think I had once been terrified at the idea of flying on an airplane made me want to laugh. My body shook and I could suddenly hear my voice screaming as I began to lose my focus. I was plummeting downward, my arms flailing at my sides.
I heard Salem's voice yelling from someplace unseen before I was immersed in the cold water. I was fortunate to have been flying over the lake; I didn't even want to contemplate what would have happened if I had been flying elsewhere. Before I had the opportunity to get my senses straight, the panic was settling in. I felt the water seeping in through my nostrils. My eyes were wide with fright, until I saw something faint in the water. It was blurry and coming straight for me. My first instinct was to swim away, until it became clear what I was seeing.
Salem enveloped me in his arms and pulled me to the surface. I gasped and coughed when my mouth was out of the water. He dropped me delicately on the grassy shore and stared in disbelief.
“What were you thinking, Alex? You could have gotten yourself killed!”
My eyes, throat and nostrils burned. I coughed and spat out a mouthful of water. “It’s not like I had planned to fall,” I muttered.
“What were you planning then?”
“I was practicing...and I was doing fine...” I paused in an outburst of coughs, “until I started to think of something funny. Happiness, relaxation…it seems to break my hold on the form.”
“Why didn't you warn me before you rushed out the window!?” His look of disappointment caused me to avert my eyes.
“I don't know, Salem. I was just thinking about how much Paul has been pressuring me to perfect this; I just want to be done already.” I sighed, and then smiled. “But, I have to admit it is exhilarating, and I’m starting to figure it out.”
“What exactly do you think about when you change?”
I grimaced and continued looking away. “Thoughts of you…thoughts of you in pain and suffering.”
His expression was unreadable as he lifted me from the grass and carried me into the house. Rather than summoning me a blanket, he brought one down from his bedroom and draped it around my shoulders. It wasn't until that point that I realized how cold I was. After I finally stopped shivering, I accepted Salem's offer of a bowl of soup.
“Thanks.” I smiled gratefully as he passed me a bowl of chicken noodle soup. He was pacing around the living room as I ate, which was awfully distracting. “What’s wrong, Salem?”
He shrugged, not stopping his movements. “Hannah, you, hunting. Nothing out of the ordinary.”
“You're going to drive yourself crazy if you don't relax, you know.” I frowned and attempted to finish eating my food.
“Relaxing is no easy task when you are out nearly getting yourself killed on what seems to be a daily basis, whether it be to a vampire or water.” His expression grew dark and I sat my bowl aside. “As for Hannah, I cannot help but wonder if she is out there still. I know it is unlikely, and a large part of me sincerely hopes Raziel did not turn her. But I…I just don’t know…”
“Maybe it's for the best if you don't know, Salem.”
“I don't think so.” He stopped walking and slumped over on the couch, “I wish there was a way I could know for sure.”
“The world is a huge place; you know that even better than I do. Finding a single person is probably next to impossible.”
“I know,” he whispered into his palms as his head fell into his hands. “Make me a promise, Alex.”
“Sure…anything.”
He lifted his head and looked at me sternly. “The next time you decide to do that, please warn me ahead of time.”
“I will,” I whispered. How much shame was I going to be put through this week? “I'm going to take a quick shower.”
I pecked him gently on the cheek and retreated to the bathroom upstairs. The steaming hot water trickled down my back as I sat on the floor of the shower. There had to be some way to distract Salem from his thoughts of Hannah, some way to ease his worries, but I couldn't think of anything. There was no way I could call every Hannah Young or Hannah Winter in the country. And that was if she still went by that name. Not to mention that if she was still alive it meant that she was a vampire. Who was to say that she had not become one of the bad ones? I know I had told Salem there was no way she could have been, but who really knew. Experiences can change people, even the gentlest of creatures can turn into beasts if they are prodded enough. If all this wasn’t enough to mull over, there was the fact that the last time Salem had seen her, she was in England. I sat and thought for so long that the water began to get cold. I jumped up and shut off the water, draped myself in a towel, and dried off quickly. It was amazing how fresh, clean clothes felt after a couple of days of wearing the same outfit.
My feet hastily rushed down the spiral stairway and I found my laptop on the dining room table. I had scarcely used it since Jason, my best friend from high school, gave me it on my last birthday. I felt bad for not having had the time to play with it as much as he had hoped, but it would be put to work today.
Salem was still sitting on the sectional, seemingly unaware of my presence. However, I knew he had to know I was there. He could smell me, no doubt. I frowned as I turned my head away from him and flipped open the laptop. My finger led the cursor to the internet browser icon and I waited as it opened. After I typed in a search engine's address, I hovered my cursor over the search box and typed in “worldwide obituaries”. The screen was flooded with results, but I clicked the first one.
A white page came up on the screen with information on the website. I read down the page, letting the words sink in as my eyes slid passed them. There were empty text fields asking me specific questions such as first name, last name, birth, death, country, state of residency, and several other things.
I quickly typed “Hannah Young” into the name fields, followed by the year “1889” for birth and “1892” for death if she had died at the age of three. Once I hit enter, several listings came up – none of which appeared to be what I was searching for. There was one of a Hannah Young in Michigan, one in Canada, but nothing in Europe at all. I went back to the former page and put her name as “Hannah Winter” and came up with more unhelpful results. Next, I input both names with the date “1895”, both of which came up with no results at all. If Raziel had killed her though, maybe her death would have never been known to anyone. Who knew what he may have done with the body. I shuddered.
“Salem?” I said quietly, staring blankly at the web page.
“Yes?” he mumbled, barely audible.
“If your sister…” That got his attention, his eyes were now fixated on me, “if she had died in the fire, there would be an obituary, right?”
“Right. There are rarely obituaries made without a body, or some large amount of evidence.” He was obviously curious. “But I told you she was taken out the window by Raziel, I know that now thanks to the vision he shared with me.”
“I know. Do you think if Raziel did…if he,” I paused, not eager to say what I knew would send hurt into Salem’s heart at the spoken words, “if he had killed her. Would there be any chance of an obituary?”
“Doubtful. Raziel couldn’t have very well told anyone of it. Having a young girl in his possession that had supposedly either died or went missing during the fire would have aroused too much suspicion. No, vampires, for the most part, live a very cautious existence.” He stood up and in a matter of seconds was sitting in a chair beside me. “Why do you ask? What are you doing?”
“I was just thinking about what you said, about Hannah. I was doing some research and there are no obituaries for her anywhere,” I replied, then typed in “Arthur Young” and browsed through the listings. I immediately found his file listed on the site. “Your father is on here, and I am willing to bet Maggie is, too. Of course what you said makes sense. Even if Raziel had killed her she probably would not be listed. I’m sorry Salem, I tried.”
“As monstrous as he was, I know he loved her. Even if he had lost control and killed her, I have little doubt he would have buried her. Alex, I know there are records of graves in general. Those done by funeral services, but also those done by families on their own accord and that are eventually found. It was not uncommon in those days for a family to bury a loved one themselves; many places had their own small cemeteries. Would you be able to search for that, on this?” he gestured towards the laptop.
I typed “Grave Records” into the search. Plenty of results came up, but nothing looked like exactly what we needed. One of the link names did give me an idea for another search though, and I quickly punched in “Find a grave”. I went to the first result. The site was exactly what I needed; similar to the obituary you could enter information and get details on where a grave was located. Many of them even had pictures. I once again entered Hannah’s name, leaving all else aside from the birth date blank. No results aside from the now somewhat familiar Michigan and Canada graves. I tried again with the alternate last name, the loading bar felt as though it would never finish. Finally the results page popped up – it was blank. There were no gravestones recorded that matched Hannah’s information.
