by Erin Noelle
I did as she told me to; I didn’t have the fight in me to argue with her. A little while later I was checking in to the very place that I had been to visit while Mase was in rehab, wasn’t that ironic? Heather helped me get situated in my room, and then told me that my first counseling session was immediately.
“Scarlett, let me tell you, that I have never gone and gotten someone from their home before and brought them here, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna allow a beautiful, vibrant young girl like yourself rot away because you were dealt a shitty hand in life. Bad things happen to good people. I know that you have the lost two people that you loved dearly in a very short amount of time. I know that you feel guilt for that, even though neither of their deaths had anything to do with you. I know that you feel like you like you never want to love again so that you never have to feel this hurt again. I know you probably don’t care if you live to see tomorrow. I know all of those things, but I need you to listen to me and listen to me good.” I just sat on the bed as she summed up my thoughts perfectly. “I also know that you are a smart and talented girl with a big heart, and there are a ton of people that are still here that don’t want to lose you too. I’ve told you before that you’ve got to learn to love yourself. You’ve got to believe that, you, Scarlett, are worth being loved and your life is worth living, and I’m not going to let you leave here until I’m sure that you understand that.”
Five months. That’s roughly how long it took me to get Heather’s message through my thick skull. Five month of straight counseling, both individual and group, on a daily basis and five months of unconditional love from my friends, no matter how ugly I was to them sometimes. Five months after I checked into The Right Step, I walked out with a glimmer of hope and belief that I would eventually be okay. I still had a lot of hurdles to jump, but I finally believed that I could maybe, just possibly, get over them.
The hardest thing for me to accept was that I really wasn’t a curse to the ones I loved and I wasn’t being punished for anything. As unreasonable as that may sound to some people, I couldn’t help but think that there was some reason other than sheer coincidence that the two people that were closest to me died way before they should have. That took me a long time to accept, but once I did, it was easier for me to let go of the guilt.
Max, Andi, and Mina were relentless in their visits and they played a huge part in my recovery. One of them came up to see me almost every single day, and even at first when I would just sit there and not say a word, they just kept coming back. Once I began to come out of my protective shell a bit, Max brought me up my keyboard and my iPad so that I could reconnect with my music and start reading again, both of which helped save my sanity as well. I didn’t realize how much I needed them in my life, but the outlet they provided me was vital for my mental health. Robin also visited me pretty regularly which made me feel good. She had told me that all of Ash and my stuff was in a storage unit and would stay right there until I was ready to go through it. Toward the end of my stay, I had finally gotten to where I could talk about happy memories with her. She told me about the time not too long ago when Ash had come over when she had a male friend stay the night. We both got a good laugh out of that.
Once I got home, I decided to sign up for some classes at the local community college for the spring semester. Rice wasn’t allowing me to return after all of my coming-and-going over the previous two years, and quite honestly, I didn’t think I could handle the stress of that level of academia at that point. I needed to take baby steps before I could run. I got a job teaching music classes to kids at the neighborhood center. It didn’t pay well, but I really enjoyed it. Seeing the kid’s faces as they began to really appreciate the music was priceless.
I hadn’t heard from Mase since the night in Vegas. I knew that Max had told him about what happened to Ash, but I wasn’t sure if he knew I was at the center or not. I would occasionally see pictures of him and the rest of the band in the entertainment magazines and websites. Apparently their tour was really successful and had been extended with the release of their second single. No one ever mentioned him to me, and to be honest, I was too afraid to ask. I assumed that he had just gotten too busy with everything to keep up with what was going on with crazy Scarlett. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt me, because it did—more so than I ever wanted to admit. I didn’t understand how after everything he had said to me that day in Vegas, he could just drop me, but I guess fame really does change people.
I never went up to Empty’s with Max and Andi because it just reminded me of him way too much, and I didn’t need any hindrances. I was beginning to make some forward progress in my life, it was slow, but it was still progress. I still thought about Ash every day, and I missed him terribly. I missed Mase a lot too; we had become such good friends in addition to what we had shared before. I know a lot of people didn’t understand how I could love them both, but I could . . . and I did. None of that mattered any longer though.
Just as Heather had always stressed, self-love was the greatest love. It was the only path to true happiness because in the end, if everyone else left, you had to be comfortable with just being you. I had thought that I was getting closer to that, but losing Ash, and subsequently Mase, caused a serious setback and forced me to realize that I still defined who I was by their existence. However, once on my own for a while, I began to realize that I was a good person with a lot to offer. Sure, I had made mistakes, who didn’t? But I was trying hard to learn from those and to not repeat them. I loved sharing my musical talents, and as much as I had enjoyed performing with Max’s band, getting the kids excited about music was so much more rewarding.
As for my love of books, it seemed that others enjoyed my reviews on Ever Afters for Evie because my followers continued to grow and I was getting great feedback on the letters. My intention was never for others to read them, but once I got a little following, I found that I greatly enjoyed talking about the books with fellow readers. One of the most important things I realized was that most everyone was searching for their happily ever after, in books and in real life, but that conclusion was always judged on if the girl got the guy in the end. It appeared I wasn’t going to end up with either of my guys, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be happy. I held the power that determined my own happiness.
COVER YOUR TRACKS—A BOY AND HIS KITE
CHASING CARS—SNOW PATROL
SCARLETT
Book: When It Rains
Author: Lisa De Jung
Dear Evie,
As I’m writing you this letter, I am bawling . . . straight up, hard core bawling over the book I just finished. This is a cry that rivals Taking Chances, and unfortunately, my life, so I apologize in advance if I’m a babbling mess. This one’s gonna be hard for me to review without giving away too much, and I REALLY want you to read this one, Evelyn Rose. As a matter of fact, I insist on it.
Where to begin, where to begin . . . ahhhh, my thoughts are all over the place! Okay, the main character of the story is Kate; she’s a traumatized nineteen year old that is struggling to find her way back to the person that she used to be. She’s got the amazing guy best friend, Beau, that has been there for her through thick and thin, and then she’s got Asher, the guy that she feels an inexplicable connection with. (Yeah, you can imagine the goose bumps I got with that one—it may have hit a little too close to home.) The story really isn’t a love triangle, even though it appears that way, but again I can’t go too far into it without revealing the story. Did I mention you have to read this book? Ok, good.
So in addition to the impeccable writing and amazing flow to the book, the author does an incredible job of describing the ability to love two people and the different kinds of love that you can have. Seriously, it was like she got inside my heart and dug around all the feels that had been floating around for the last couple of years and put them into words. The story in itself is beautifully heart-breaking and exquisitely gut-wrenching even without the personal connection t
hat I made with it, but adding in that layer, it just sent me over the edge. I may need to take a break after this one before reading something else. It’s got me all stirred up emotionally, and I’m really missing both Ash and Mase, as well as you . . . you know I’m always missing you.
Until next time, I’ll leave you with my favorite excerpt from the book, as I always do. Tell me how perfect this is . . . chill bumps from head to toe.
“I also realize that there’s a difference between soul mates and true love. Looking at the surface, they are similar, but when I dug deep down inside, I found they were different.”—Kate
Love you always,
Sam
Even in learning to love myself, I had learned that it was okay to miss the ones that I loved that were no longer around. It didn’t mean that I was any less of a person on my own or that I was dependent on them for happiness. It simply meant that I loved them, and missed them being in my life—plain and simple.
MASON
The tour had finally come to an end. I never thought I’d say that, but damn if I wasn’t ready to be home. Living on a tour bus for over half a year was about to drive me insane, especially knowing what Scarlett was going through back home. Once I had heard what happened to Ash, I was ready to bail on the tour, the band, everything. I didn’t fucking care about any of that, but I allowed Max to talk me into giving her some time to process everything. He had said that the last thing she needed was me hovering over her and confusing her even more, and he warned me that she would probably lash out at me because she felt guilty that she was with me when the accident happened. I understood all of that. I didn’t want to make things harder for her; all I wanted was to make sure my angel was okay. She had never left me in a time of need, and I didn’t want her to think that I was abandoning her either.
I had called either Max or Andi to check on her every day. At first when they told me that she was spending a lot of time in bed and shutting herself off, I thought that was probably normal; however, when it began nearing a month, I started to freak out a bit. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and all I wanted was for her get better . . . I felt completely helpless thousands of miles away. When I called Heather and told her what had happened, she gave me her word that she would do everything in her power to bring my Scarlett back. Even if she was never my Scarlett again, I needed her to be okay for her.
Somehow, I managed to keep myself together for the band and the tour. It was my music that I poured my heart and soul into day after day that gave me the release and therapy to deal with what was going on. Every show that I did, every night that I went to bed, I saw as one day closer to getting to see her.
When the day came that I was flying into Houston to see her, I was more nervous than I had ever been in my life. I knew that she had been home for a few months and according to everyone, she was getting her life back on track. I didn’t want my showing up to derail her in anyway, but at the same time, I couldn’t go on living without telling her what was in my heart. She could do with it what she wanted; I would be at peace either way.
I pulled up to her apartment, taking several deep breaths before going in. As I walked up the front steps, I patted my pocket, ensuring that my gift for her was still in there, and then knocked on the door, waiting to see her beautiful face at least one more time. She answered the door and her jaw literally fell open as she stared at me.
“Angel,” I whispered. My heart was pounding in my chest, my palms were clammy and sweaty, and my brain was moving so fast with so many things to tell her, that nothing else came out.
She smiled at me and tilted her head. “Mase, what are you doing here?”
“Well, we had our final show last night, so I got here as quick as I could,” I said. “Do you care if I come in for a minute? I promise I won’t take up much of your time.”
She nodded and opened the door wider, allowing me to walk past her into the living room. I was too anxious to sit down, so I just stood by the bar as she shut the door. Turning around, my eyes caught hers and I prayed that I could get through my speech without breaking down. “Do you want to sit down? Can I get you something to drink?” she asked.
I shook my head no. “I’m good, thanks. I just wanted to come see you, to make sure that you were doing okay with my own two eyes. The secondhand reports for the last several months just weren’t cutting it. I needed to know that the light had returned to your eyes.”
“The secondhand reports? What are you talking about?”
A little confused, I explained, “Yes, the daily Scarlett reports I got from either Max or Andi. Did you not know that I called to check on you every day?”
“No, no, I didn’t,” she whispered.
“Ah, well, I did. I hope you don’t mind, even though it’s a little late now, I guess,” I said with a chuckle.
“Wow, well I really appreciate it. I had no idea.”
“I think your friends wanted to make sure that you got better, and they were afraid that I would try to get in the way of that.” I shrugged. “All I wanted was for you to get better too.” Damn, the speech was not going anything like I planned. She smiled at me, and I could see that she was unsure of what to say next, so I continued.
“Scarlett, I had this whole speech planned out before I got here, but the minute I saw your face, all other thoughts just escaped me. Basically, I’m here to tell you that I’m sorry about what happened to Ash. I know that it had nothing to do with me, but I’m sorry that it happened to him and I’m sorry that you had to deal with that. I know that he loved you dearly, as you did him, and regardless of my wishes for us to have worked out, my true priority has always been your happiness, even if it was him that gave you that.
“I’m also here to tell you that my love for you has never wavered. I wanted you to know that I have followed your blog since the day you told me about it in a text message. I don’t know much about any of those books, but reading your writing always helped me feel like I was still close to you, even when we weren’t. I gotta tell you though; the one you wrote last week about the different kinds of love just about killed me, especially since you mentioned my name in it. I always believed that you had loved both of us, but it was hard for me to understand it. So I read the book, hoping that it would shed a little more light on it,” I paused as my eyes began to water just thinking about both the letter and the book. “And all I can say is wow; that was the most intense thing I’ve ever read. I didn’t know that a book could make me feel like that, and to be honest, I don’t know how you made it through it. ” She reached up and brushed her thumb across my upper cheek where a tear had escaped. I grabbed her hand and brought it to my mouth, kissing her open palm before releasing it. “But most importantly, I finally get it. I just wanted you to know that.”
I stopped talking long enough to pull the box out of my pocket. “I don’t know what the future holds for us, if anything at all, but I want you to have something to remind you that I will always love you.” I heard her gasp for air as I opened the top and pulled out the contents. “I tried giving you this bracelet once before, but it didn’t make it home with you. I think part of the reason was because it was incomplete. I hope now, it’s perfect. Here, take a look.”
She took the bracelet from my hands and began to examine it. She intensely studied it looking for what was different. She went through each of the dangling charms—the guitar, the piano, the heart, the book, the angel wings, and then she saw it. I wish I could describe the look on her face as she held the butterfly charm that I had added in her dainty fingers. The tears were streaming steadily down her cheeks but she had the biggest smile on her face. Then she turned it over and read the inscription on the back—“Psyche”
She flew into my arms and I held her as tightly as I possibly could without hurting her. “I know that you’ll always be his butterfly, and I never want you to forget that either. He and I were both lucky enough to be loved by someone as amazing as you, Angel. You now know that you don’t need either
of the wings that we adorned you with to fly on your own, but they’re always here for you to remind you how much we both love you.”
COME TO ME—THE GOO GOO DOLLS
SCARLETT
One thing I’ve learned about life in my short time here is that it never goes as planned. Getting up each time it knocks you down is hard; some of us get knocked down more than others, but in my opinion, we’re the ones that are stronger in the end. After Ash died, I truly thought I’d never love anyone again. Even after I’d come to terms with all of it and began to love myself for me, I didn’t think I could make myself susceptible to feeling pain like that again. But when Mase showed up on my door step that morning, all of that went out the window. I realized that loving yourself is vital because then, and only then, do you realize you deserve the love of another.
I’d love to say he walked in that day, swept me off my feet again, and we rode off into the sunset happily ever after, but that isn’t reality, and actually it isn’t even the ending of most books anymore.
“Mommy, Auntie Andi says it’s time for us to get married,” a sweet, tiny voice interrupts my thoughts.
I turn around to see my precious daughter standing in the doorway, dressed in her light pink sundress and flip flops. Laughing, I walk over to her and pick her up. “Did Auntie Andi say that you can get married in those shoes?” She nods her head with a big grin on her face. “Well, in that case, I’m wearing my flip flops too. You don’t think Daddy will mind do you?”
“No, Daddy and Everett have on their new black Chucks. He said you’d like them,” she says with a giggle.
