•The Artisan Trail for the most unique and beautiful creations by the locals.
•The Savoy Theatre, where the White Stripes shot their tenth-anniversary concert DVD.
Fit for the Pizzit
Torrens
During Street Cents, Mike Clattenburg and I started making the odd music video. He’d direct and I’d produce. We’d apply for a grant from VideoFact and would always include an element of black-and-white footage in our creative treatment. When we delivered the video, we’d say we shot in black and white, but it didn’t really work creatively, so we took it out.
Meanwhile, we were pilfering black-and-white film stock to make our first short film. It was called Liquor Store and it starred our muse, Brian Heighton.
Liquor Store won a couple of awards at the Atlantic Film Festival, including a $10,000 prize for best short film. That got us some heat, and the next project we made was a half-hour comedy short for Global called Nan’s Taxi, about an elderly woman who was the dispatcher for a one-car cab company in a small town. The cab was driven by her two grandsons, played by Daniel Kash and—you guessed it—Brian Heighton.
For a couple of young punks who were used to having a lot of creative freedom, the Global experience was a little suffocating. Lots of script notes, which we weren’t used to. Lots of edit notes, which we hated. Ultimately, Nan’s Taxi went on to win the Gemini Award for best short film in 1997.
Go figure.
As a result of our win, we had some traction at networks and had a show in development at the CBC called Thanks for Watching. It was a sketch show, hosted by a news anchor named Gary Canada (played by me!), who would interview the actors from the sketches, not realizing that they were fictitious. I still love the idea today.
But Mike was turned off by the network experience after Nan’s and had a hankering to do something more lo-fi.
Meanwhile, two guys he went to high school with—Robb Wells and J.P. Tremblay—were living in Charlottetown, where they owned a pizza shop. During the long, cold winters, the boys would videotape themselves and their friend Pat Roach playing silly characters and making each other laugh.
So that summer, Clattenburg made a short film starring them and another friend of his, John Dunsworth.
Then they made another short called Trailer Park Boys. And the rest is history.
Mike asked me to play that “eyes all over to one side” character that we always did around the Street Cents office, and I was more than happy to.
We were out drinking in Halifax one night, the whole gang of us, and we went to a french fry truck after the bars closed. J.P. turned to me and said, “Pass the ketchup, J-Roc,” and the name stuck.
Every network in the country turned the show down except a fledgling cable channel called Showcase. A forward-thinking exec named Laura Michalchyshyn saw the diamond in the rough and ordered six episodes.
Here’s some Canadianity for you bahds: we shot the first season of TPB in late spring 2000. That winter, two weeks after my triumphant Y2K correspondent gig in Charlottetown, I was in a bad car accident. My femur was broken in multiple places and required surgery. Either because of the drugs or lack of medical knowledge, I think I grossly underestimated the magnitude of the injury the whole way through.
As an aside, when something like that happens, it’s astonishing who surfaces. Pretty sure flowers from the gang at Air Farce beat my ambulance to the hospital. Peter Mansbridge even called the nurse’s station on my floor to check in on me. Such nice and classy folks.
It was a painful time in a lot of ways, but nothing a few pins and screws couldn’t fix. There was only one little problem: after weeks in a wheelchair and months on crutches, I had graduated to a cane, but there was no way I could go without it for the Trailer Park Boys shoot. My leg just wasn’t strong enough.
Here’s the genius of Mike Clattenburg. “No problem,” he said. “We’ll just rock it for the character.”
And the crazy thing is, it worked. If you watch season 1, J-Roc had a part gangsta, part-Dream Warrior vibe.
That’s what I always say about Clattenburg. He just sees things that others don’t. Like the way Gretzky somehow knew where the puck was going, we could do a few takes of a scene and it would be funny—really funny—and then Mike would suggest doing it again, but giving Randy a bag of BBQ chips, and suddenly it was off-the-charts hilarious. It’s quite a gift. As producer Mike Volpe says, it’s like a fairy dust that he sprinkles over top of things to make them next-level.
Those early Trailer Park Boys seasons were really special. What we lacked in resources we more than made up for in spirit. My stomach hurt from laughing all day between takes, and my inner cheeks were permanently scarred from biting them to try not to laugh during.
We moved from park to park, season to season. When we were shooting in real parks, I think it sounded like a novelty at first to have a TV show shoot in your midst. The reality is, by the end of the season, Ricky yelling “I’m gonna get drunk and eat chicken fingers” into a megaphone twenty takes in a row kind of loses its charm.
Much has been written about the popularity of the show, but I think it comes down to three things:
1.Nobody in Sunnyvale is feeling sorry for themselves, even though they’re living lives that some would deem subpar. All Ricky wants is to start growing great dope so he can provide for his family. All Bubbles wants is food for his kitties. These are simple, relatable goals.
2.Watching these guys makes you feel a bit better about your own life.
3.Like any family, when external forces conspire against them, they put aside their differences and band together. No one calls Bubbles a disparaging R-word. No one judges Randy and Lahey’s relationship. No one questions that J-Roc isn’t black. It just is. What a nice message. Clattenburg always said, “When you take away the guns, dope and swearing, it’s a show about family.”
When the first season dropped, I thought the rap community might misinterpret J-Roc as making fun of them, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I got lots of nice notes and props from rappers, saying thank God someone’s finally making fun of those whack MCs rolling around in Chevettes on twenty-inch spinners from Canadian Tire.
Meanwhile, most of the real J-Roc dudes I met responded with some version of “Yo, thanks for repping us on TV, dawg!”
Unbelievable. I somehow landed in the valley between both camps on that one. Bullet dodged!
The things that J-Roc has are overconfidence and underperformance. That’s my favourite comic wheelhouse. On paper, J-Roc and Robert Cheeley from Mr. D are very different characters, but upon closer examination, their egos are both writing cheques that their ability can’t cash.
Trailer Park Boys, on the other hand, wasn’t so well received. Globe and Mail critic John Doyle destroyed it in his first review. He didn’t get it, didn’t want it, didn’t understand. To his credit, a year later he published another column admitting that he’d completely missed the charm and allure of the show and was, from that moment on, a huge fan.
It aired on BBC America—bleeped. Imagine trying to understand the plot of a TPB episode with the swear words censored.
But slowly, surely, through word of mouth and with the aforementioned help of bands and teams on buses, it started to become part of the public landscape.
TPB really is the cockroach of Canadian comedy, in that it just won’t die. I don’t mean for that to sound like I’m wishing it would—not at all. It’s just astonishing to me that it keeps finding new life, with new age groups, in new corners of the world. Inconceivable, really, that some teenage boys in Denmark would find it funny. But quite a trip that they do.
Mafk
Torrens
I’m proud to say that “mafk” has made it into the urban dictionary, courtesy of J-Roc. Technically it’s short for “motherf*cker,” but the word has taken on its own meaning to me. I see it as kind of synonymous with “nerd.” It’s a term of endearment, certainly.
It was also a pretty creati
ve way to get around the CRTC rules and regulations dealing with swearing on TV. Technically, “mafk” isn’t a word, so there’s no legal reason it can’t be said. Unlike its properly spelled root word.
One of the things I like to do on social media is give a shout-out to the mafk, the guy doing/wearing something that everyone has seen but maybe no one’s pointed out before. For some reason, the plural is “mafsks.”
Let’s look at some examples:
•Shout-out to the mafk walking through the airport wearing a neck pillow.
•Shout-out to those bald-headed mafsks with beards.
•Shout-out to the mafk pre-pounding two Ferrero Rochers while waiting in line to pay for them at Shoppers.
•Shout-out to the mafk swerving into my lane trying to dip a McNugget.
•Shout-out to the mafk trying to look hard on a flip phone.
•Shout-out to the fifty-five-year-old mafk in a Thing 2 hoodie. I see you, dawg.
•Shout-out to the mafk filling a jerry can with sunglasses on his face and on top of his head.
•Shout-out to the mafk with the super-tanned left arm from dangling it out the truck window all summer.
•Shout-out to the mafk who posts up in the friend zone, just waiting to pounce as soon as she becomes single again.
•Shout-out to the spider-legged mafk in school with creases on his jeans from where his mom let down the hem every few months.
•Shout-out to the mafk still tossing out Borat quotes.
•Shout-out to the mafsks who always try to anticipate the end of your sentence and say it along with you.
•Shout-out to the mafsks who are super-proud to tell you they don’t own a TV.
•Shout-out to the mafsks who clap when the plane lands.
•Shout-out to the mafk who rolled into the duty-free just to spray himself with cologne and then leave.
Blank-Lookin’ Mafk is another classic game, and one of the things that Jeremy and I bonded over in the first place. You just have to describe someone in a photograph with an obscure reference. Could be a celebrity or one of your bahds.
We played Blank-Lookin’ Mafk on the podcast, and others joined in right away. Turbo-bahd Tyler Stewart from Barenaked Ladies called Ed Robertson a “News Anchor at Home on a Sunday–Lookin’ Mafk.” I called Tyler a “Built a BBQ Out of an Old Oil Barrel for the Camp–Lookin’ Mafk.” It’s easy and fun!
Here’s a list of a few famous Canadians you can try, with our suggestions:
•Mike Myers: Regional Manager at Staples–Lookin’ Mafk
•Jim Cuddy from Blue Rodeo: Just Started Dating Your Mom, but You’re Actually Cool with It–Lookin’ Mafk
•P.K. Subban: Funniest Guy Behind the Desk at the Local Y–Lookin’ Mafk
•Nelly Furtado: Wishes There Was Something She Could Do to Help but Her Hands Are Tied Customer Service Rep–Lookin’ Mafk.
This mafk talk inspired a game called Who Dis Canadian Mafk? in which the third clue was always “I’m a ___________–Lookin’ Mafk.” See how you do:
Who Dis Canadian Mafk?
1.I am a stoner from BC.
I have the most annoying laugh since Eddie Murphy.
I’m a Works at the Genius Bar–Lookin’ Mafk.
2.I am an Ottawa native.
I am an actor and a musician.
I’m a Works at a Rental Car Counter–Lookin’ Mafk.
3.I have a beard.
I drive a motorcycle.
I’m a Guy Your Sister Met on Tinder and Brought Home for Thanksgiving Dinner–Lookin’ Mafk.
4.I am an indie movie actor.
I was in Juno.
I’m a Works at Radio Shack–Lookin’ Mafk.
5.I am a piano tinkler from Vancouver Island.
Nothing turns me on more than the sound of my own voice.
I’m a David Cronenberg–Lookin’ Mafk.
6.I am a TSN on-air personality.
I am of Italian descent.
I am a Your Dad’s Friend Who’s Going Through a Rough Time– Lookin’ Mafk.
7.I am a button-pushing beat music guy from Ontario.
I wear a huge mask while I perform, but paint my Lambo so people know it’s me rollin’ by.
I’m a Make It Quick, Barista–Lookin’ Mafk.
8.I am a singer.
I am Québécoise.
I am a Marsha from the Office Who Brings Stinky Lunches–Lookin’ Mafk.
9.I was born in 1980 in London, Ontario.
My mom’s name was Donna.
I’m a Cobbler at Black Creek Pioneer Village–Lookin’ Mafk.
10.I have a famous last name.
I just got a big new job.
I’m an I’d Be Happy to Tutor Your Girlfriend—Really, It’s No Problem–Lookin’ Mafk.
11.I live in Ottawa now.
I’m an athlete who’s been known to crush the odd dart.
I’m a One More Strike and You’re Out HR Nightmare Who Works Nights at the Warehouse His Dad Owns–Lookin’ Mafk.
Bonus Hint: I’m a Could Easily Have Been Cast as the Older Brother on The Wonder Years–Lookin’ Mafk.
12.I was born in Vancouver in 1976.
I did some National Lampoon movies.
I’m an I’m Taking Your Idea, I Don’t Care–Lookin’ Mafk.
13.I am a singer with a stage name.
I am from a small town in Northern Ontario.
I’m a Volunteers at the SPCA Where I Work Have Gone Through the Roof Since I Started Here–Lookin’ Mafk.
14.I was born in Kingston, Ontario.
I like to party, and the world pretty much knows it.
I’m a Go Ahead, Roll Another One at the Local Bowling Alley–Lookin’ Mafk.
15.I was born in Kapuskasing, Ontario, in 1954.
I’ve directed some of the biggest movies of all time.
I’m a What’s with the Plastic Forks, Knives and Straws?–Lookin’ Mafk.
16.I am a news broadcaster.
I am recently retired.
I’m a Sits on the Board of the Toronto Symphony and the Art Gallery of Ontario–Lookin’ Mafk.
1. Seth Rogen; 2. Tom Green; 3. Keanu Reeves; 4. Michael Cera; 5. David Foster; 6. Gino Reda; 7. Deadmau5; 8. Céline Dion; 9. Ryan Gosling; 10. Justin Trudeau; 11. Dion Phaneuf; 12. Ryan Reynolds; 13. Shania Twain; 14. Dan Aykroyd; 15. James Cameron; 16. Lloyd Robertson.
Nova Scotia Gotta Do’s
GO BIRLIN’ to Sugar Moon Farm. Pancakes and hikes. Sausages and syrup. Lazy Sunday morning spot in the middle of the province.
DEMOLISH breakfast at Annie’s Place Cafe in Halifax. Food is delicious, but Annie’s company makes it not to be missed.
TAKE A RIP down to Kingsburg Beach, outside Lunenburg. Less populated than some other South Shore hotspots. Exactly the reason it’s worth the trip off the beaten path.
HOP on the Dartmouth ferry. A great and cost-effective way to see Halifax from the water. Sit on the open-air deck with a coffee and . . .
OBLITERATE a chocolate croissant at Two If by Sea. They’re heavier than doorstops. TIBS’s watchword for baked goods is simple: butter.
CRUSH the lobster-encrusted haddock at Chives. Fresh homemade biscuits served before your meal too.
POP down to Pictou Lodge. Rustic spot to spend the night if you’re into bonfires and the person you’re with.
INHALE the haddock at Bing’s Eatery in Maitland. Delicious slow food that’ll help warm you up after whitewater rafting on the Bay of Fundy, home to the world’s largest tides. Bing’s has delicious summer cocktails too, like rosemary vodka lemonade.
SCOPE some whales at Brier Island. If whale watching is your bag, do it here. Scientific research vessels that get just close enough to give you a thrill, but stay just far enough away so as not to disrupt nature’s plan.
CRUISE the Cabot Trail in the fall. Leaves are bananas. Scenery is nuts. Hospitality is so friendly, it’s almost unsettling.
WHIP into Bistro 22 in the T-Dot (Truro). Chef Dennis is a certif
ied bahd (look for the BAHD sticker on his cooler!), and his biscuits are tight as a cobra’s taint.
Quebec: Expos and Sex Shows
Bahd Bands
Leonard Cohen
Oscar Peterson
Mitsou
Corey Hart
Luba
Arcade Fire
Men Without Hats
Wolf Parade
Stars
The Box
Simple Plan
Five Notable Bahds
Chuck Hughes. With tats that read lobster and bacon on his forearms, Chuck is a manic monster in the kitchen, whipping up unreal meals from whatever they’re selling at the market that day. I mean, lobster poutine.
Jacob Tierney. Director of The Trotsky and one of the best directors Torrens has ever worked with. Fast and funny. Also directs/co-writes/acts in Letterkenny Problems, which cements his status as bahd of all bahds.
Jay Baruchel. Is there anyone Montrealier than this? Even though he was born in Ottawa. Wrote Goon. Wrote and directed Goon 2. Heavy Canadianity.
Jessica Paré. Mad Men. Nomesayin’?
Russell Martin. This Mixologist in a Bowtie with Suspenders–Lookin’ Mafk is the catcher for the Toronto Blue Jays. Cultured, chippy and has weathered some storms. Cool qualities.
Or as We Say in the Maritimes, “Kwee-beck”
Torrens
Quebec is a wild place, man. One of the most interesting things about it is that it has its own built-in star system in a way that the rest of Canada doesn’t. A hit TV show in Quebec routinely gets a million viewers a week. You can say that about very few shows in English Canada—and most of them are Canadian versions of US formats.
As worldly as Montreal and Quebec City are, with the cinq-à-sept postwork cocktail culture and tam-tam-sur-la-montagne drum sessions, rural Quebec is its own deal too. Buttered pizza crust and roadside strip joints.
The Flying Ham Sandwich
Taggart
My first time in Quebec.
Baseball has been a passion of mine since I was four. I loved to play it. I also loved all the different things you needed to know when playing it. My dad really worked hard to make me understand the importance of practice. He said, “You should hit like Ted Williams,” so that meant swinging the bat five hundred times a day. He said, “You should pitch like Sandy Koufax,” which meant throwing fifty strikes. He said, “You should field like Pee Wee Reese,” so that meant successfully fielding dozens of batted balls. He always took practice so seriously. All in, all the time.
Canadianity Page 9
