by Pamela Ann
“No.” He placed a finger against my lips, shushing me. “When you fall in love again, it’ll be me. I’m your man, petal. Always have been. I know your heart carries another man, so all I ask in return is your loyalty and honesty. It’s the only way this marriage can thrive and last forever, and I want it to last … forever. I want to marry you, marry for life.”
Oh, God, he was dead serious about this. For a moment, I figured it was the mind-blowing sex that had made him speak gibberish. Men were prone to do the craziest of things during and after sex. This wasn’t a false alarm, though. How I wished it was so. “This is insane! You can’t just do this to me. It was just this afternoon when you were hurling accusations, protesting, and yelling how sick you are of me. What the hell? I don’t know what to make of this. This is too much. I’m already having a hard time dealing with the baby as it is—the decisions hanging over my head—and now this? You don’t want me, River … and I’m sure you don’t want to marry me, either.”
“How can you say that when we’ve been engaged since you turned sixteen,” he huffed. “Calm down, okay? I’m sorry to spring this on you … I guess I got carried away, too. Heck, I even forgot to buy a ring. I was in such a hurry to get to you none of it mattered. Can’t you see how crazy I am for you?”
He had proposed marriage, and the best he could do was ‘crazy for you’ … Right. What ever happened to the other three letter sentence?
“I want to make a home for our family, petal. We’ve been through a lot, but you know at the end of the day, this is where we belong—with each other. I was your home as you were mine. Let’s give our baby a chance to have a family. It’s a lot to process, so don’t give me an answer now, but I want to have it before we leave the island.”
A family. The baby was going to be the glue piecing us back together. Was that what I was willing to settle for? A life of mediocrity? I know this was unconventional, but if I couldn’t bring love onto the table, and it appeared the subject applied to him as well, then where did that leave us?
“River, please … I don’t want to get married. Maybe we can talk about living together for the sake of the baby in the beginning … I don’t know … This is all so sudden, but what I do know is that I never want to get hitched for the sake of ‘appearances.’ I know we grew up without a family, but we can love and provide security without needing to take that leap.”
“Okay, I guess I just have to work harder to convince you.” He let out a despondent sigh, but seemingly understood as he kissed me softly. “I’m not going to give up. I hope you know that.”
“Then you have your work cut out for you.” I lightly joked, hoping we could put this subject to rest for the time being. “River…as much as I like feeling you growing harder by the second, would be it too much to ask if you can feed me food first before going for another round? I’m starving.” Right on cue, my tummy made a loud grumbling protest.
He guffawed as he wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. “God, I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you.” I hadn’t realized just how much until tonight. There’d been too much bad blood between us. It overshadowed how great we could be together.
But even then, as much as this sentiment brought me anxiety, I intended to take this slowly. And I supposed the idea of having the baby in a home shared between us didn’t seem as frightening as I had once thought. I supposed River confirming Petra was out of the picture helped a great deal. I was a woman who didn’t thrive on competitions. And for this to work, it had to swing both ways.
Honesty and loyalty. Surely, selective honesty still fell under the same banner as honesty? I promised to be open … except for one subject.
We still had about eleven days until vacation was over. I prayed it was enough time for us to reflect, share, and confess any ill-feelings we’d been harboring for one another. For this to work, we both had to agree that building the foundation of trust was key.
As long as we were on the same page, anything was possible.
The following morning, River surprised me by taking me snorkeling. He felt so horrible—not about dismissing DJ, but me missing out on the fun excursion—that he felt compelled to take me.
“You know what would make this perfect?” I added. “If you apologized to DJ.”
“Don’t push it, woman.” He playfully bit my earlobe. “I was marking my territory. Have to let the admirers know you’re taken.”
If he wasn’t being so adorable about it, I’d have socked his arm. It was a small blessing I hadn’t spotted DJ, too. It would be quite awkward.
River kept his promise about trying to mend and rebuild our relationship. Without Hollywood breathing down on him, his crew, his snake of a manager, the incessant hounding of the paps, and everything his fame came with, River was like a new man. He became the guy I grew up with, the man I fell in love with in the olden days—always laughing, joking, constantly singing random tunes, completely at ease with himself—but more importantly, he doted on me. Persistently. Tenderly. His affections made me decide to keep our baby and not opt for adoption or to choose the other option. Spending quality time with him, be it us going island hopping, swimming, or simply lounging lazily during the afternoons, showed me he could be a brilliant partner and a father to our baby. And as for us ... A tiny hope flickered. I just hoped it wouldn’t disappear the second we landed in LA.
We were cocooned in our little paradise, away from prying eyes and the outside forces trying to break us apart. Here, isolated from social media and the world, he was mine and mine alone. I didn’t have to share him with anyone. If he and I had invested this much time together before, we might’ve stood a chance. But we had been given another opportunity to never repeat the mistakes of the past. I just hoped we were strong enough to survive whatever was heading our way.
It was on our third day together when I woke up alone in bed. I knew something was amiss. Call it gut instincts or what have you, but I had learned these internal detectors were almost never wrong.
After freshening up, I strode out of the room while piling my hair up in a messy bun. Then I spotted River out on the patio while breakfast was set and ready on the table, but the man seemed stressed as he argued, pacing to and fro, with someone on the phone.
When I curiously walked toward him, the second he spotted me, he immediately cut the call and met me halfway.
“Slept well?” he murmured as he kissed my forehead then my neck before finally giving me a thorough kissing. “I’d say good morning, too, but I’m afraid I have some not so good news,” he ominously stated the second he parted from my lips.
Smiling brightly at him, I tried to play it down. “Babe, stop stressing. This is our first problem. We can do this,” I said, hoping it would ease the wrinkled forehead and tensed shoulders.
Okay, it couldn’t be that bad. Was it Ari trying to spread his disease again?
“Petra’s here.”
Fuck. Now it was my turn to frown.
“What the hell for?” I calmly asked, even though I was far from it. The very thought of her coming here—trying to win him back—grated on me to no end. Why couldn’t that bitch just let it go?
He let out a breath as he urged me to eat breakfast first. Since my mind was busy thinking all sorts of things, I didn’t argue when he led me toward the table. I even sat when he pulled the chair and drank when he poured the fresh orange juice into my glass. It was right after pouring himself a cup of freshly brewed coffee that he looked me in the eye, any trace of humor gone.
“First off, I didn’t invite her. Second, I think I owe it to her to go and find out what she wants. Third, if you don’t agree with any of this, then I won’t go.”
Jesus. We were really discussing this like civilized, mature individuals. We’d never broken things down this way, and I couldn’t be more thankful he had laid it all on the table without needing me to get angry or issue an ultimatum.
“I appreciate you for giving me the last word…” I began to say, co
nflicted. If it were up to me, I’d rather he forgot Petra existed. But since we were being fair and honest, it would be wrong to stop him from going. I supposed he did owe her a thorough explanation since he had broken it off over the phone unexpectedly. I knew how cruel that felt. Was I so spiteful not to grant another woman a decent closure all due to uncontrollable jealousy? “But for me to be able to trust you, I have to let you do what you feel is right.” God, did I really just say that? Damn. What was happening to me? When did I become … reasonable?
“You sure?” River didn’t seem relieved. In fact, he seemed even more stressed out. “This isn’t one of your games, right? Promise me this won’t ruin what we’ve worked on these past few days?”
“Babe, we’re good. It’s all good.” I chucked a grape at him, cheerful. “The only thing you’ve worked on these past few days was my body, Mr. Ellis, and not much else.”
“I don’t hear you complaining.” He wickedly grinned before looking at me lovingly. “But you’re right; we’ll be okay.”
We will be.
After breakfast, River left to go see Petra. She had apparently booked herself on one of the islands, so he had to take a water taxi.
Without River here, I spent the rest of my morning sunbathing while having an audiobook about finding inner peace set on speaker. After two hours baking under the sun, I spent over an hour swimming in the ocean. Diving from the patio deck, I floated and swam about the gorgeous crystal clear water. While doing so, I spent my time swimming and playing with the several schools of fish who unluckily came my way.
It was around past noon when I decided to get out of the water to shower and change before heading out to eat lunch. I was in a stupendous mood. My spirits were on the up and up, and I intend to keep it that way by trying to stay positive and not ponder what River was up to. My determination led me to go shopping after my light meal. It was already past three in the afternoon when I came back to the villa. However, it seemed River wasn’t back yet.
He’d been gone for almost six hours now. How long did saying goodbye fucking take? “I should call him,” I muttered under my breath as I fished my phone out of my tiny cross-body purse. Heart pounding and strengthened resolve, I dialed his number. It didn’t even ring. It took me straight to voicemail, much to my chagrin. “Where the fuck are you, River?”
What if … what if he had changed his mind? My insides shriveled at the thought. He couldn’t, could he? But … Didn’t he choose her over me? He left her because of the baby, not because she didn’t entice him any longer. There was a huge possibility River had changed his mind the second he saw her upset. It was also a major probability he was in love with her, but seeing that we grew up without a family, he didn’t want the same fate for his own child. He already loved the baby; he kissed my belly before sleeping.
But if he loves her more…
Oh, God. I think I’m going to … barf.
My stomach clenched as I hastily darted toward the bathroom, heaving as I knelt over the toilet, losing what I’d had for lunch. Sickened, I felt like a complete idiot as I lethargically brushed and gargled before jumping into the shower. The hot spray of water did little to warm my insides. My emotions ran haywire. Keeping them in check became a hardship as the minutes ticked away without River in sight. And I supposed pregnancy merely heightened everything a hundred-fold.
Untold time passed, and before I knew it, the sun was setting. I anxiously watched as the light disappeared from the sky. As the night got darker, the moon was a magnificent glowing orange.
I didn’t drink. Nor did I get up from the lounger to get dinner. I sat there steadfastly, paralyzed as I waited for him to come back … if he ever did.
Mere seconds from drifting to sleep, I heard the sound of a door opening and closing, and instantly, I was jolted with an immediate rush of energy, stirring me out of my dazed funk. Scrambling to my feet, I dashed indoors, prepared to confront him.
“Cara?” he called out in confusion the moment he found me. “Why are you walking around in the dark? You could’ve tripped and hurt yourself.” One by one, he switched on the lights closest to him while I stood there in the middle of the open living room, scrutinizing his every move.
“It took almost twelve hours to ‘hash’ things out with, Petra, huh?” I sarcastically drawled just as he stopped next to the sofa and switched the lamp on before reverting his eyes back to me. He looked tired and blatantly stressed out, none of which made me any less anxious. As he stepped closer, I noted the lipstick stain on the lapel of his shirt, plummeting what little hopes I had for our future. “You mother fucker!” I screamed, shaking with rage as I took a vase and chucked it at him. The fucker was too fast and caught it before hastily dumping it on the sofa, his eyes steadfastly locked onto me.
“Calm down, this isn’t what it—” he tried to reach out to me, but immediately, I took a step back as tears filled my gaze.
“Calm down?” I shrieked, laughing maniacally. “Calm down? How the hell do you expect me to calm down when you have her lipstick on your shirt? You were with her. You—I … You fucked her, didn’t you? Wait. I don’t wanna know.” It was as if something possessed me. The overpowering pain ricocheting through me made me feel downright crazy. It hurt to even look at him. “Th-th-this ends here. Right now,” I hiccupped as tears ran down my face. I knew I probably looked like a hot mess compared to his stellar model, but I didn’t care anymore. I was hurting, and dressing it up wouldn’t make it any less painful. “Leave and don’t bother me anymore. We’ll arrange everything through our lawyers.”
He instantaneously paled at the mention of lawyers before alarm began to set in. When he started to counter my accusations with his own rage, I shot back louder, not giving him an opportunity to plead his case.
Waiting for almost twelve hours without a word from him was one thing. But to come back with a lipstick stain on his shirt? Yeah … um … no thanks. I wanted to choke him, gouge his eyes out, stab his dick, and kick his fucking ass, but I was too drained emotionally and mentally to even deal with him. The waiting—being on the edge for hours on end—had taken a toll on me. And as much as it pained me to get to this conclusion, I knew I was left with one reasonable option, and that was to put as much distance between us as possible.
“Your passport’s in the other room. Don’t bother saying goodbye, either. I think we’ve had enough of those to last us a lifetime.” Wiping my tears, I ran into my bedroom, wishing this nightmare to be over. Haggard and heartbroken, I wept as though someone had just died. Well, something had died, and it was called hope. The tiny flickering light standing ground steadfastly for several days now had all been vanquished. Now, I had to face the tune of what my choices had led me to. The once bright future seemed daunting once again. The exhilarating energy River had envisaged about ‘our family’ was dead and gone.
Tomorrow was a new day, but how could I stay here in this precious villa when everything about this place would remind me of him? If I left, where would I go? I couldn’t go back to LA, not just yet.
River would never give up his lewd lifestyle, not for anyone. It was good he had shown his true colors before major decisions were done, such as moving homes and the like.
Sliding into bed, I unceremoniously buried my face in the pillow, trying gravely to stifle the howling cries coming out of me. I felt cheated, victimized by his false sincerity. I had believed he’d want to build a family, but it was all a lie. Thank goodness I hadn’t agreed to marry him. I doubted I could stand the humiliation it would bring me.
I was alone again. I couldn’t simply change my mind once I’d already made it. By deciding to keep my baby, I knew I had to face the inevitability, embracing the challenges and rewards motherhood would bring me.
Alone…just as Juan had wished me to be. Once upon a time, I’d been fine with it. Accepted it even. But these past few days, short as they might be, truly had shifted things for me. I’d rather liked having someone to share my days with. But alas, that
life wasn’t meant for me. My destiny, it seemed, was for me to live life isolated on my own barren island.
The very thought made me howl loudly into the room, weeping as ricocheting pain seized me each time I took a breath. My chest ached. My throat was congested. Yet my eyes kept on producing fat tears … the only way my body could mourn the extinguished light within me. Holding my stomach, I cradled my almost flat stomach, nestling my hand to the tiny barely-there protrusion, praying sincerely that it could fathom to forgive me for bringing him or her into this world which was filled with chaos.
Consumed with guilt, with doubt, with everything and beyond, I realized too late River was in the room until I felt him slide his body next to mine. Panic-stricken, I stiffened as I fought him while he effortlessly pulled my body against his warmth.
“Don’t touch me!” I defiantly shrilled. Yet no matter how I attempted to jerk away from his arms of steel, the man merely tightened his grip around me, enveloping me with more of his scent.
“Keep fighting me. I don’t care. I’m not leaving. Do you hear me?” he grounded out punishingly against my ear. “I’m not fucking leaving!” he huffed as he shifted his body, rolling over mine before hastily situating himself on top of my tense body. The room was cast in shadow with the only lighting coming from the moonlight filtering through the open shutters. And even with limited lighting, River’s eyes were deadly, uncompromising, and ready to take on whatever I threw at him. “I’m staying, Cara. Fight me all you like. Waste your energy … go ahead. I don’t care. I’m not getting off you until you hear me out. But if you want to do this the hard way, we can do that, too. I guess I can hold you down and bind your hands over your head like the last time? You want it easy or the hard way? Take your pick. Either way, you’re stuck with me ’cause I’m not going anywhere, woman. Get used to it.”
Hold me down? The idiot was on top of me. His weight ensured I couldn’t fucking move even if I tried!
Irritated beyond words, I hatefully glared at him. “Let’s hear you out, then. So, how was she, huh? Was she good? Is she a better fuck than me?” Every time I let the bastard into my life, I almost immediately regretted it. Why wouldn’t I ever learn from my past actions?
