by Jane Fonda
2. SEAT AND POSTURE: Assume a comfortable posture, sitting cross-legged on a pillow on the floor or on a simple chair. Keep the spine straight, and let your shoulders soften and drop. Do a brief scan of the body, relaxing parts that are tight. Relax your jaw. Choose a hand position and gently hold it.
3. BEGINNING: Close your eyes (or keep your open eyes focused gently on a spot on the floor). Take a deep breath in and let it out with a sigh. Do this three times. As you sigh, release anything you are holding on to. Remind yourself that for these few minutes you are doing nothing but meditating. You can afford to drop everything else for the time being. The pressing details of your life will be waiting for you at the end of the session.
4. BREATH: Bring your attention to your breathing, becoming aware of the natural flow of breath in and out of the body. Observe your chest and belly as they rise and expand on the in-breath, and fall and recede on the out-breath. Witness each in-breath as it enters your body and fills it with energy. Witness each out-breath as it leaves your body and dissipates into space. Then start again, bringing your attention back each time to the next breath. Let your breath be like a soft broom, gently sweeping its way through your body and mind.
5. THOUGHTS: When a thought takes you away from witnessing your breathing, take note of the thought without judging it, then gently bring your attention back to your chest or your belly and the feeling of the breath coming in and out. Remember that meditation is the practice of unconditional friendliness. Observe your thoughts with friendliness and then let the breath sweep them gently away.
6. FEELINGS: When feelings arise, do not resist them. Allow them to be. Observe them. Taste them. Experience them but do not identify with or interpret them. Let them run their natural course, then return to observing your breath. If you find yourself stuck in a feeling state, shift a little on your seat and straighten your posture. Get back in the saddle and gently pick up the reins of the breath.
7. PAIN: If you feel pain in the body—your knees, for example, or your back—bring your awareness to the pain. Surround the painful area with breath. Witness yourself in pain, as opposed to responding to or resisting the pain. If the pain is persistent, move gently to release tension, and return to your posture and breath. If your back is particularly painful, you may want to lean against a wall or the back of your chair, or, if your knees hurt, you may want to straighten your legs for a while. Avoid excess movement, but do not allow pain to dominate your experience.
8. RESTLESSNESS AND SLEEPINESS: If you are agitated by thoughts or feeling, or if you feel as if you cannot sit still, or if you are bored to distraction, come back to your breath and your posture again and again. Treat yourself gently—and with love—as if you were training a puppy. Likewise, if a wave of sleepiness overtakes you, see if you can wake yourself by breathing a little more deeply, keeping your eyes open, and sitting up tall. Sleep and meditation are not the same thing. See if you can be as relaxed as you are during sleep, yet at the same time, awake and aware.
9. COUNTING BREATHS: A good way to deal with all of these impediments to concentration is to count your breaths. On the in-breath, count “one,” and on the out-breath, count “two.” Continue up to ten. Then begin again. If you lose count at any point, start over at “one.” As thoughts and feelings, or pain and discomfort, or restlessness and sleepiness arise, allow your counting to gently override their distracting chatter. Roshi Joan Halifax suggests words to “generate a state of presence and self-compassion” that she learned from the Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh: On the inhalation, say to yourself, “Breathing in, I calm body and mind.” On the exhalation: “Breathing out, I let go.” Inhalation: “Dwelling in the present moment.” Exhalation: “This is the only moment.”
10. DISCIPLINE: For one week, practice meditation each day, whether you are in the mood or not. Even if it is for only five minutes, commit to a regular practice. See how you feel. If you notice a difference (or even if you don’t), commit to another week. Then consider joining a meditation group or taking a retreat and receiving more in-depth instruction and support in your practice.
I am grateful to Elizabeth Lesser for permitting me to include her meditation guide in my book. I hope this practice will be as a meaningful for you as it has been for me.
Acknowledgments
IT TAKES A VILLAGE:
First and foremost, I am forever grateful to my editor, Kate Medina, for her patience, talent, and encouragement.
Her assistants, Millicent Bennett and Lindsey Schwoeri, helped me in countless ways.
Copy editor Bonnie Thompson and associate copy chief Dennis Ambrose performed miracles that helped me organize and clarify. Barbara Bachman created the beautiful design. Thanks also to Paolo Pepe for his front- and back-cover designs, and to Ken Wohlrob for bringing me into the world of eBooks.
A special thanks to Lisa Bennett, who helped me illuminate all the ways that seniors help (rather than hinder) society, and what society needs to do to help make seniors’ lives easier.
My thanks to Angela Martini, for her wonderful illustrations.
And to my friend and assistant, Steven Bennett, who put in countless hours on permissions and such, with the help of Carol Mitchell and Laura Masseur.
Deep gratitude to Terry Savage for so generously letting me borrow her financial expertise.
Thanks to the late Dr. Robert Butler, whose commitment to gerontology was responsible for deepening and expanding the entire field. It was he, with his seminars at the International Longevity Center (which he founded), who introduced me to many of the scientists whose expertise deepen this book. Dr. Denise Parks is one of them. She is director of the Center for Vital Longevity at the University of Texas at Dallas, whose expertise about the brain was essential to me. Another is Dr. Richard Sprott, executive director of the Ellison Medical Research Foundation, who explained, in terms I could understand, the cutting-edge research on aging.
Dr. Butler brought me to Dr. Diane Meier, who heads the Center to Advance Palliative Care (CAPC) at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City. She helped me understand what palliative care means in the most moving, soulful terms.
Thanks to Dr. Michael Hewitt, research director for exercise science at Canyon Ranch health resort. He kindly reviewed my workout chapter to make sure everything was accurate, and allowed me to borrow his Key-3 exercises.
And thanks to Dr. Michael Jacobson, executive director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, who, together with Katherine Tallmadge, kept me straight on the topic of nutrition.
Thanks to Dr. Marion Perlmutter, with the department of psychology at the University of Michigan, who helped me understand some of the great deepening that can come with age.
Dr. Michael Perelman is Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Reproductive Medicine, and Urology at Weill Medical College, Cornell University, and co-director of the Human Sexuality Program at New York Presbyterian Hospital. Dr. Perelman greatly expanded my understanding of sexuality and aging, as did Dr. Michelle Warren, medical director at the Center for Menopause, Hormonal Disorders and Women’s Health, Columbia University Medical Center, New York. She helped me understand women’s hormone replacement therapy, among other important things.
Dr. Tom Lue, internationally recognized expert in the treatment of male sexual dysfunction at the University of California, San Francisco, explained to me, with great humor, the ins and outs of male sexual dysfunction, in particular the penile implant.
Dr. Louann Brizendine taught me a lot about the female brain and sexuality in aging women. Dr. Brizendine is a neuropsychiatrist at the University of California, San Francisco, founder and director of the Women’s Mood and Hormone Clinic, and co-director of the Program in Sexual Medicine at UCSF.
Dr. Barbara Bartlik, sex therapist and psychiatrist, helped me, in her juicy, forthright manner, with ideas for heightening sexuality as we age.
Dr. Laura Carstensen, founding director of the Stanford Center on Longevity, gave generously of h
er time and expertise in many areas of aging. She took me around the Center and introduced me to many of their researchers, including Dr. Thomas Rando, Stanford Center on Longevity’s deputy director and stem-cell biologist. It was Dr. Rando who helped me understand the role of stem-cell research and aging.
Dr. Ken Matheny, regents professor at the Department of Counseling and Psychological Services at Georgia State University, profoundly helped me to understand much about late life and the spirit.
Thanks to Mary Madden, who generously shared her experience with online dating.
Deep thanks to the staff and clients at the center for WISE & Healthy Aging in Santa Monica, California, who gave me so much of their time and shared their moving experiences.
I am eternally grateful to Beverly Kitaen-Morse, who taught me, with her therapy, the value of a life review.
And to all the friends whose stories enrich this book, I am filled with love and gratitude. Thank you for your trust: Erica Jong, Roshi Joan Halifax, Janet Wolfe, Nat and Jewelle Bickford, Mary Catherine Bateson, Dr. Johnnetta Cole, the Honorable Robin Biddle Duke, Yoel and Eva Haller, Reverend Bill and Kathy Stayton, and those others who shared their most personal intimacies and asked that their real names not be used.
Notes
PREFACE: The Arch and the Staircase
1 Mary Catherine Bateson, Composing a Life (New York: Plume, 1990), p. 34.
2 Mary Catherine Bateson, Composing a Further Life (New York: Knopf, 2010), p. 12.
3 Bernice Neugarten, “Dynamics of Transition of Middle Age to Old Age,” Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, vol. 4, no. 1 (Fall 1970), pp. 71–87.
4 Erik H. Erikson and Joan M. Erikson, The Life Cycle Completed: Extended Version with New Chapters on the Ninth Stage of Development (New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1997), p. 114.
5 George Vaillant, Aging Well (New York: Little, Brown, 2002), p. 113.
CHAPTER 1: Act III: Becoming Whole
1 Carl Jung, Modern Man in Search of a Soul.
2 Rudolf Arnheim, New Essays on the Psychology of Art (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1986).
3 Marion Perlmutter, interview with the author, Ann Arbor, Michigan.
4 Peter Applebome, “Loss of Speech Evokes the Voice of a Writer,” The New York Times, March 7, 2011, p. A14.
5 Stephen Levine, A Year to Live (New York: Three Rivers, 1997), p. 38.
CHAPTER 2: A Life Review: Looking Back to See the Road Ahead
1 From a letter to me from Kenneth Matheny, Regents Professor and director of the Department of Counseling and Psychological Services at Georgia State University.
CHAPTER 3: Act I: A Time for Gathering
1 Vaillant, Aging Well, p. 96.
2 Judith Newman, “Inside Your Teen’s Head,” Parade, November 28, 2010.
3 Laura Carstensen, A Long Bright Future: An Action Plan for a Lifetime of Happiness, Health, and Financial Security (New York: Broadway Books, 2009), p. 245.
4 Terrence Real, I Don’t Want to Talk About It, p. 146.
5 Vaillant, Aging Well, p. 285.
6 Terrence Real, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work (New York: Ballantine, 2007), p. 95.
7 Vaillant, Aging Well, p. 284.
8 Ibid., p. 285.
CHAPTER 4: Act II: A Time of Building and of In-Betweenness
1 Vaillant, Aging Well, p. 96.
2 Suzanne Braun Levine, Inventing the Rest of Our Lives: Women in Second Adulthood (New York: Plume, 2006), p. 59.
3 Ibid.
4 Joan Halifax, Being with Dying.
5 William Bridges, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes (Cambridge: Da Capo, 2004), p. 146.
6 Marion Woodman, Leaving My Father’s House, p. 194.
7 William Bridges, The Way of Transition (Cambridge: Perseus, 2001), p. 196.
8 Gail Sheehy, Sex and the Seasoned Woman (Random House).
CHAPTER 5: Eleven Ingredients for Successful Aging
1 Vaillant, Aging Well, p. 213.
2 Tom Kirkwood, The End of Age, p. 63.
3 Vaillant, Aging Well, p. 207.
4 Quoted in ibid., p. 206.
5 Ibid., p. 48.
CHAPTER 6: The Workout
1 Walter Bortz, Dare to Be 100, p. 47.
2 Ibid.
3 Jane Brody, “Mental Reserves Keep Brain Agile,” The New York Times, December 11, 2007.
4 Ibid.
5 Archives of Internal Medicine, http://archinte.ama-assn.org/.
6 Michael Hewitt, Growing Older, Staying Strong: Preventing Sarcopenia Through Strength Training (New York: International Longevity Center, September–October 2003), p. 4.
7 Scott McCredie, Balance: In Search of the Lost Senses (New York: Little, Brown, 2007), p. 189.
8 Quoted in McCredie, Balance, p. 214.
9 Joan Halifax, interview with the author.
10 John W. Rowe and Robert L. Kahn, Successful Aging (New York: Dell, 1998), p. 98.
CHAPTER 7: Now More than Ever, You Are What You Eat
1 Nutrition Action Healthletter, July–August 2008.
2 Jane Brody, “Even Benefits Don’t Tempt Us to Vegetables,” The New York Times, October 5, 2010.
3 For more on yogurt with active and live cultures, I recommend the book Gut Insights, by Jo Ann Hattner.
CHAPTER 8: You and Your Brain: Use It or Lose It
1 From a talk I attended at the Age Boom Academy, held at the International Longevity Center in New York on September 24, 2007.
2 Cynthia Gorney, The New York Times Magazine, April 18, 2010.
CHAPTER 9: Positivity: The Good News Is You’re Getting Older!
1 Published online in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, May 2010.
2 Vaillant, Aging Well, p. 206.
3 Carstensen, A Long Bright Future, p. 16.
CHAPTER 10: Actually Doing a Life Review
1 Real, The New Rules of Marriage, p. 71.
2 Levine, A Year to Live, p. 88.
3 Zalman Schachter-Shalomi and Ronald S. Miller, From Age-ing to Sage-ing: A Profound New Vision of Growing Older (New York: Grand Central, 1997), p. 98.
CHAPTER 11: The Importance of Friendship
1 Ursula Le Guin, Dancing, p. 151.
2 Jean Baker Miller, Toward a New Psychology of Women, 2nd ed. (Boston: Beacon), p. xxi.
3 Gene Cohen, The Mature Mind: The Positive Power of the Aging Brain, p. 28.
4 The Diane Rehm Show, NPR, August 26, 2008.
5 Shirley MacLaine, Sage-ing While Age-ing (New York: Atria Books, 2007), p. 239.
CHAPTER 12: Love in the Third Act
1 David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (New York: Owl Books, 1997), p. 56.
2 Real, The New Rules of Marriage, p. 257.
3 Jane Loevinger, The Meaning and Measure of Ego Development (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1976).
4 Betty Friedan, The Fountain of Age (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993), p. 286.
5 David Gutmann, Reclaimed Powers: Toward a New Psychology of Men and Women in Later Life (New York: Basic Books, 1987), p. 153.
6 Time, October 12, 2007.
7 Tara Parker-Pope, The New York Times, June 10, 2008, p. D1.
8 Paraphrased from Real, The New Rules of Marriage, p. 76.
9 Real, The New Rules of Marriage, p. 254.
10 Ibid., p. 255.
11 The New York Times Magazine, April 18, 2010.
12 Suzanne Braun Levine, Inventing the Rest of Our Lives, p. 132.
13 Ibid., p. 131.
14 For more information on Women for Women International, go to womenforwomen.org.
15 Vaillant, Aging Well, p. 305.
CHAPTER 13: The Changing Landscape of Sex When You’re Over the Hill
1 Friedan, Fountain of Age, pp. 262–63.
2 Ibid., p. 286.
3 Schnarch, Passionate Marriage, p. 79.
4 Ibid., p. 76.
5 Ibid., p. 99.
6 Ibid., p. 134.
7 Ibid., p. 85.
8 Marty Klein, Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse.
9 Gail Sheehy, New Passages, p. 311.
10 Gail Sheehy, Passages, pp. 454–55.
11 Louann Brizendine, The Female Brain (New York: Morgan Road Books, 2006), p. 177.
12 “Stimulation of the Libido: The Use of Erotica in Sex Therapy,” Psychiatric Annals, vol. 29, no. 1 (January 1999), p. 60.
CHAPTER 14: The Lowdown on Getting It Up in the Third Act
1 Jane Brody, “A Dip in the Sex Drive, Tied to Menopause,” The New York Times, March 31, 2009.
2 E. O. Laumann, A. Nicolosi, D. B. Glasser, A. Paik, C. Gingell, E. Moreira, and T. Wang, “Sexual Problems Among Women and Men Aged 40–80 Y: Prevalence and Correlates Identified in the Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors,” International Journal of Impotence Research, vol. 17 (2005), pp. 39–57.
3 Rowe and Kahn, Successful Aging, pp. 80–81.
4 Ibid., p. 82.
5 Marianne J. Legato, Eve’s Rib: The New Science of Gender-Specific Medicine and How It Can Save Your Life (New York: Harmony Books), p. 204.
6 Susan Rako, “Testosterone Deficiency and Supplementation for Women: Matters of Sexuality and Health,” Psychiatric Annals, vol. 29, no. 1 (January 1999), p. 23.
7 Legato, Eve’s Rib, p. 213.
CHAPTER 15: Meeting New People When You’re Looking for Love
1 Pepper Schwartz, Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), p. 68.
2 Ibid., p. 70.
