It was the weekend, but I was on campus picking up some notes my professor had left for me. I didn’t mind, and I needed the information for the paper I was writing on sex and gender roles. I felt like it had the possibility to get published, which, as a first year grad student, would be huge for me. I picked the notes up and was headed back to the car when a felt someone slap my ass. I turned around, hand fisted and ready to swing. Collin jumped out of the way.
“Whoa!” he said, holding up his palms. “I didn’t think you’d come out hitting.”
I looked at him with total disbelief. “I’m in public and someone just spanked my ass. What did you honestly think was going to happen?”
“I thought you’d realize it was me. How many other people walk around touching your ass?”
I scowled at him. “I deal with creepers on the daily. When someone touches my ass, I definitely don’t assume it’s a friendly fondle.”
“Fair enough,” he said. “I’ll refrain from future ass grabs.” He paused, then qualified, “In public.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Where are you headed?” Collin asked.
“To my car, and then The Grind. I have so much work to do.” For school, and my site.
“I’ll walk to the car with you.”
I nodded as he fell into step beside me. “How was your date with Alison?”
His eyes softened and his lips lifted. “Great, as usual.”
I smiled at his enthusiasm. He really did enjoy spending time with her, and that made me love him even more. In a purely friends-with-benefits kind of way. “I can’t get over how cool it is that you spend so much time with her.” Some of the families I worked with at CARE were family members of kids with disabilities. I knew how much it meant to them—the families and the kids—when someone took a genuine interest in them. Collin was a good guy. “I know it means the world to her.”
He tilted his head to one side while lifting his shoulder. “It’s not a big deal, and it means as much to me as it does to her. If I can make her day a little brighter, I’ll do it every chance I get.”
I gave him an assessing look. I’d known Collin for a very long time, but I’d never seen him like this. Maybe it was just a maturity issue, and he was growing up. In any case, a girl would be lucky to have him. I knew why I avoided relationships, but we’d never really discussed why he did. I wondered why he hadn’t pursued anyone. “Why don’t you have a girlfriend, Collin?”
He gave me a look like he wondered where that had come from. “Because I’m the male version of you, and I don’t like relationships.”
I gave several frustrated nods. “Yes, but why don’t you like relationships? You’re attentive, compassionate, and kind. Girls would fall all over each other to be with you.”
“I like the multiple girls falling all over me imagery,” he said, back to his usual, cocky self.
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. Which is why I don’t do relationships. I like to party and be with different people. That doesn’t work with monogamy.”
“I guess it depends on the girl,” I said, thinking through it as I spoke. “I mean, I don’t know many who would be comfortable with an open relationship, but I’m certain you could find a girl who wanted the same lifestyle as you.” I was definitely not the open relationship type—if I ever got in a relationship, I’d be all-in, with one guy.
He lifted a shoulder, clearly uninterested in the idea. “Someday I’ll settle down and find that girl, but right now, I’m young and want to experience things.”
I couldn’t fault him. “I can respect that,” I said. We came to my car and I unlocked it, then threw my bag in the passenger seat. “What are you doing for the rest of the day?” I asked, leaning against the side of the car.
“Meeting some friends at the gym,” he said.
“Of course you are.”
“Don’t be a hater, B. Someday, you’ll realize you want to look like an action figure too, and come lift weights with me.”
“Mmmmm,” I said, completely unconvinced. I did a lot of cardio. Occasionally I lifted weights, but only because muscle burned more calories than fat. And I didn’t look like some of the amazing women out there. I’d love to have the courage to sport a lot of muscle and look like I could kick someone’s ass, but I’d worked so hard to finally be lean that the idea of adding to my frame in any capacity freaked me out in every way.
“Someday,” he said, pointing at me as he started to jog backwards in the direction of the Easton gym.
I laughed and shook my head as I got in the car and drove to The Grind. I was getting out of my car when my phone buzzed. It was a message from Master Z.
Toys, huh? What’s your personal favorite?
I wrote back.
Anything that moves and surprises me.
Sex was the one area where I didn’t mind surprises.
My phone buzzed.
Is that the criteria you also use for men?
I was having far too much fun flirting with a man who, until very recently, I’d loathed the existence of. I rarely flopped opinions, let alone changed them so quickly. But there was something about him that I liked. A lot. The banter between us was fun and easy. I had no doubt we’d have just as much fun in bed…which was an odd thing to think since lately, I’d only been thinking about sex with one person.
I was about to walk into the coffee shop, but shot off a quick reply.
One of them.
His response was lighting fast.
I do surprises almost as well as I fuck.
I read the text and felt the response right between my legs. I stood outside for a good sixty seconds trying to recover, and when I did, I grinned, thinking I was due for a good surprise.
“Know what’s idiotic?” I asked, sliding into the booth and putting my wallet back in my handbag, and my fresh cup of coffee on the table. Syd and I were at The Grind. She’d texted earlier to tell me she needed caffeine, so I told her I’d meet her here. We’d been working for almost two hours on our own individual projects. She was doing something lawyer-y and I was working on my gender roles paper and research. I’d just finished reading an article about sex toys, which told me little I didn’t already know, but it did send me off on a mental rant that was about to go verbal.
“I have a list.” That wasn’t surprising. Syd had lists for everything; including things she thought were dumb. I did as well, I just had fewer of them.
“Me too,” I replied, “but this is seriously stupid. Vibrators that aren’t waterproof. Even if you’re not using them in the water, they still have to be cleaned!”
“Why are we talking about vibrators again?”
“Research. I was at the sex toy store—“
“You’re always at the sex toy store.”
“Not always.”
Syd rolled her eyes. “I’m surprised they haven’t named a section after you.”
I grinned. “I’m not ashamed of that. I’m a girl who knows how to get her needs met.”
“You have enough guys waiting to meet them for you that I don’t know why you need toys.”
“Not all the guys I sleep with have skills. And even if they do, they can still only last so long before needing to recharge. Plus, a man who knows how to get a woman off using a variety of methods is totally hot! You should know that; Jax isn’t afraid of them.”
She exhaled a long-suffering sigh. “Back to the vibrator.”
“Oh, I found out some interesting information.”
“Aside from the lack of waterproofing?”
“Yes!” I said, stirring my coffee to make sure the sweetener was dispersed. “I was researching the most popular sizes. I thought everyone would want the nine to twelve incher, but it turns out, some girls like average.”
“But you’re not one of them,” a deep voice said behind me.
I turned around slowly, meeting Cade’s sky blue eyes. He was standing under a light and so help me if he wasn’t glowing. He didn�
�t have the right to look so angelic when he was being more than a little evil with his date-before-sex plan.
My throat had dried as soon as I heard his voice. I took a sip of my coffee before speaking, “You know me so well.” I tried to make it sound sarcastic since we’d only had one date and he really didn’t know me at all.
“Good thing I’m not average either,” he said.
I swallowed. Hard. “According to you.”
His lips slid into a half-smile before he glanced over at Syd. I got the feeling he would have said a lot more if she hadn’t been there.
“Did you come here to get coffee, or are you just stalking me?” I asked him, which was kind of funny since before I’d known who he was, I’d spent a good amount of time at The Grind stalking him.
“Both,” he deadpanned. It would have been creepy if he hadn’t grinned right after he said it.
Syd motioned to the seat next to me. “You can sit if you want. We’ve just been doing school stuff.”
“What are you working on?” Cade asked me.
“A paper I’m trying to get published.”
“What’s the subject?”
“Sex and gender roles.”
One of his thick eyebrows arched. “Are you taking a side, or exploring everything?”
“More of an exploration. How gender roles have changed in the last century, and how it’s affected sex.”
He nodded, looking off in the distance for a few seconds, lost in thought. “I think there are more factors at play than just gender roles,” he said. “Birth control being more readily available, women getting more rights, health issues like AIDS and STDs, and a wider acceptance of sex in general.”
I nodded in agreement. “All valid points, and things I talk about in the article. But what I’m specifically interested in is the perceived switch of sexual interest from male to female.”
“I don’t know that there’s been a shift of interest,” Cade pointed out. “Most men still love sex as much as they always have.”
“Right, but women are being more vocal now than ever before. There’s more acceptance, and the internet gives a large forum for researching information and finding people who have similar sexual appetites. So, is the shift a result of women finally owning their sexuality and speaking up about what they want and how they want it, no longer afraid of backlash and slut shaming? Or have they always had high libidos, but kept them contained in order to fit with the norms? How much effect does societal pressure have on women and their ability to express their sexuality?”
Cade tapped a finger against the table as he considered my points. “A great deal, I imagine,” he said. “If someone says it’s not okay to behave a certain way, most people will fall into line. It’s the innovators who aren’t afraid to step out. They’re the people usually labeled as rebels. While there were probably always women who enjoyed sex and weren’t afraid to talk about it before now, they were likely shunned for their opinions. Except Kitty Fisher,” he said, lifting his coffee cup to his mouth before continuing, “she was praised for her lack of panties, I hear.”
I raised a brow, and Syd matched it. “Reading Mistress A again?” Syd asked him.
His smile spread. “Every day.”
Syd glanced at me, a fleeting look, and one no one else would notice. But I saw and understood her unspoken conversation without question. It reiterated what she’d said before: he reads your blog, and he doesn’t have a problem with sex. In fact, he’s sexually proficient.
I shot her one back that said: I know he doesn’t have a problem with sex, he’s just refusing to have it at the moment, and that’s the problem.
I turned my attention back to Cade. “There were a lot of notorious women who weren’t shunned for their interest in sex. Popular, wealthy, and even famous women. They had no problem pushing the envelope, and often pushed it as their own way to rebel. Some people just don’t do well with authority.”
Cade coughed to cover a laugh.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
“I think one of the reasons you might be connecting with the women in this paper is that you relate to them.”
“Meaning I have no problem with sex? I completely agree.”
“And that you don’t do well with authority.”
“She’s guilty on that count too,” Syd agreed.
I shook my head. “I’m fine with authority. What I’m not fine with is bullshit. If someone is acting in a way I don’t agree with, I’ll call them on it. I won’t fall into line for the sake of keeping other people happy. It’s not my job to control how someone reacts.”
Cade’s lips slid up, his eyes sparkling with intrigue. “Another reason why I like you so much,” he said. “Give me a woman who’s blunt and says what she thinks over someone who only says it behind another person’s back any day.”
I eyed him. “Then that’s another reason I like you as well.” And it was true. Maybe we’d stay friends even after we finally had sex. He was almost as outspoken as I was. I appreciated that.
Syd shut her book and put it in her bag. “I have to get to Red’s to pick up She-Ra and Jax, but you two have a fun little coffee date.”
“Hopefully it counts as a date,” I said, my tone sarcastic.
Cade thought about it. “Maybe a little one.”
I rolled my eyes. “Tell Blue Eyes ‘hi’ for me,” I said to Syd.
“Me too,” Cade said. “And be sure to tell him I did not call him Blue Eyes.”
Syd laughed. “He’ll appreciate that. See ya later.”
She walked out the door and I had a feeling I wouldn’t be seeing her until much later. She liked her alone time with Jax. I didn’t blame her. They were best friends and loved spending every possible minute together. It wasn’t an obligation, or something that was forced. They truly loved being around each other. If I ever decided to lose my mind and have a relationship, I’d want one modeled on Syd and Jax’s. They were the perfect couple, and I had no doubt they’d end up married and live happily ever after.
“I can’t believe how much Syd’s changed,” I said, turning back to Cade and resting my back against the chair. “She used to be so worried about getting into a relationship. I love that she’s in it, finding her own way, and not fearing it anymore.”
“I agree,” he said. “She seems much happier now. Fear is nothing but deprivation that holds you paralyzed. No one should be chained there.”
Those were strong words, and not something a person would likely say without experiencing that kind of emotion. I wondered where the words had come from. “What about you?” I asked, assessing him and his body language with a keen eye. “What do you fear?”
He met my eyes as he answered, “Not much.”
I gave him a skeptical look. “Come on. Don’t be the guy who shuts down and doesn’t open up. You’re not like that.”
He raised a brow, indicating I didn’t know what he was like. He was right to some extent. I didn’t know him well, but I could read people and he was almost as direct as I was. I didn’t see him backing down from the question.
“I’m not shutting down. It’s the truth. I don’t fear things.”
“Why?” I asked, genuinely curious.
He shook his head. “You misunderstood me. Not why, but how.”
I pushed my brows together, confused. “How do you not fear things?” I asked, trying to rephrase his statement and still not understanding.
He nodded. “Too many people live fear-based lives. Instead of enjoying the time they have and exploring as many experiences as possible, they worry about every possible thing that happens, or is about to happen. They look for the negative over the positive, and become experts at pointing out the bad over the good. Fear and negativity become an obsession that wastes a colossal amount of time. I won’t do it. I want to live my life and enjoy it instead of picking it apart, and constantly worrying about what’s going to happen next. The reality is that every day could be the end of your life, and it’s a
shame to live it cautiously. Fear is a liar.”
I listened to him with interest. It was a fascinating perspective. What would you do if you had no fear? If you set your worries aside and instead of saying, “I’m not doing this because it scares me,” said, “I’m doing this because it scares me.” I could easily see that swinging in a dangerous direction, though. It’s easy to make poor choices when you stop processing fear, or force yourself to push through it. Listening to gut instincts becomes more difficult. And professionally speaking, there was a subset of people who lived their lives with no fear—they were often classified as psychotic.
“There are people who have no fear, and lack emotion in general. They’re called sociopaths, and truly believe all of their own bullshit. They think nothing can ever hurt them.”
He kicked his leg out, shifting positions. “I’m not talking about people who are mentally ill. I’m talking about the people who get up every day and say: this shit scares the hell out of me, but I’m doing it anyway, because I can.”
“Because they can?”
He nodded. “They’re here, they’re alive, and they’re willing to take a risk or do something they didn’t think they could because that is what truly living is. It takes courage to confront the things that haunt us; to step outside of the pain and listen to our own voice instead of the noise around us telling us who we should be, and what we can do. It’s about finding the internal strength and confidence to overcome those demons holding us frozen. Being fearless is an emotional tool that can be used to help overcome. I have no respect for people who won’t step out of their comfort zone…whether that’s mental, physical, or emotional. Comfort is easy. Comfort offers no challenge and if there’s no challenge, there’s no growth. Comfort is not a life well-lived.”
Cade’s focus on living life made me think he’d lost someone. Grief was such a personal struggle and the process of dealing with it was different for every person who went through it. Some people took years to get over the loss of someone they cared about. Some never did. I couldn’t imagine losing someone vital to my life and if I ever did, I was certain it would change me in every way. Probing about Cade’s emotions felt like a personal invasion, especially when I wasn’t sure if my loss theory was accurate. I didn’t know him well enough to go into that kind of detail. If I ever did know him well enough, however, I’d be interested to hear more about his story and how it had affected his point of view. Instead of asking about loss, I continued on his current thought path, asking relevant questions. “So you’re saying you’re a risk taker?”
Chasing Brynn (A Tempting Novel Book 2) Page 13
