by Paul Gamble
In the dead of night Merlin sneaked into the basement of Camelot to where the boulder and antenna, Excalibur, were kept. He planned to steal them and rebel against Arthur. However, Arthur had learned of Merlin’s plan and was there to confront him.
“The sword and the stone are mine,” Merlin had hissed at Arthur in the dark basement where the stone was stored.
King Arthur was a remarkably fair man, which makes life very difficult sometimes. “Aye, Merlin, the stone is yours. But I can’t let you use it to control my knights. Your magnetic waves are too powerful.”
“You deny me what is mine, then?”
“No, for that would not be fair. However, you may not remain in Camelot any longer. I will banish you to Ireland. You may take your control panel with you. And I will arrange for the stone to be shipped there too.”
“You know I will merely raise an army of metal-clad warriors there and return to defeat you. How can you be so foolish?”
King Arthur smiled sadly at his old master. “I don’t think so. You know how rainy Ireland is. Any metal army you create in Ireland would rust long before you could build the boats to invade. And to make sure you do not return anytime soon, although I will transport the stone and the sword to Ireland, they will be hidden from you, Merlin. My royal archaeologist will bury them in a secret place where you shall not find them.”
“I will have my revenge on you, Arthur, even if it takes a thousand years,” Merlin had snarled.
“If it takes a thousand years, that’s fine. Just make sure you put all the pieces of my skeleton back where you found them after you’ve finished.”
“Maybe my revenge will not be on you, but on your people. I swear revenge on the people who rejected me as king. I will destroy you, Arthur; I will destroy your country. Perhaps with magnetic waves, or perhaps with a different sort of wave altogether…”
Of course, to this point Merlin hasn’t tried anything, so we’re probably all safe.…
* * *
38
COUNTERPLOTTING
Grey, Jack, and Trudy sat and considered what they had learned from the files.
“So, Merlin was banished from Wales and England to live in Ireland,” Jack said thoughtfully. “But before he left he swore revenge on Arthur’s kingdom.”
Grey nodded. “And that’s what he’s probably trying to achieve now.”
“At least no one’s trying to destroy Northern Ireland for once,” Trudy said. “So that’s a positive.”
“It seems much more likely that Merlin is planning an invasion of England and Wales with people he will control using the magnetic stone and the iron in their blood,” Grey suggested. “Think about it: Tomorrow is a big day of filming at Carrickfergus Castle—right on the coast. It’s an ideal place to gather an army and launch an invasion.”
“Brilliant, Grey!” Trudy agreed.
Jack said nothing. He was staring down at his feet.
Trudy looked at Jack with a worried expression. “You think we’re wrong, don’t you?”
“I think so. I mean, an invasion’s a nice idea, but I think Merlin’s planning something much worse than that. Much worse. There was something about his last words to Arthur that make me suspect he’s planning to try to destroy England and Wales.”
“So how do we stop him?”
“We need a plan and a lot of luck.”
“Luck?”
“Yes,” said Jack. “Half the country are eating Mr. M’s health-food bars—so he can control an army of hundreds of thousands if he wants—and they’ll all be going to Carrickfergus to watch the fake film he’s pretending to make. And on top of that he’s got an animatronic giant and an animatronic dragon if he needs them.”
“I have confidence in you,” Trudy said.
“You do?” asked Jack. “In that case you really haven’t been paying attention. And I’ve only got half a plan this time.”
Trudy laughed. “As long as it’s the important half we’ll be okay.”
Jack smiled and turned to Grey. “Now, I’m going to need you to speak to Cthulhu. First you need to get him to go to the red barn.…” Jack slowly laid out the parts of his plan he had managed to figure out so far.
* * *
Jack was tired when he went home that evening. But instead of going to his room early, he decided to sit and watch a little television with his parents. Deep down he was worried that if he wasn’t very lucky tomorrow this might be the last time he saw them. Merlin had already shown that his motto was “Kill the good guys early, ask questions later.”
“I was in David’s parents’ corner shop today,” Jack’s mother said. “I hear David’s become quite the star.”
“He’s appearing as an extra in that new fantasy film they’re making,” Jack agreed.
“We thought we might come down to Carrickfergus Castle tomorrow and see them filming,” Jack’s father said. “Half the country’s going to be there.”
Jack sat bolt upright. He didn’t want his parents there. Especially after they’d spent the entire week eating Mr. M’s health food. Their blood would be full of iron—they’d just be more puppets for Merlin to control. “I’m sure it’ll be very dull. Not worth seeing at all.”
“Really, Jack?” His father raised an eyebrow. “I’ve seen on the news they have a massive animatronic dragon. That might be interesting to look at, surely?”
Jack’s mother joined in. “Yes, I could take the day off work. We could come down with a picnic and meet you for lunch. I mean, I take it you’ll be going along? To support David?”
Jack slouched back into his chair. He wasn’t sure what was worse—having to face a crazy scientist-carpenter who planned to destroy England and Wales or having to have a picnic with his parents in front of his classmates.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
DRAGONS
POOR EATING HABITS
Over the years many people have asked if dragons are related to dinosaurs. The answer to this question is, obviously, yes.98 Asking if dinosaurs and dragons are related is somewhat akin to meeting identical twins at a cocktail party and asking if they’ve met before.
Many years ago, paleontologists used to contend that dinosaurs and dragons were two different species. However, this is ridiculous, because they are both enormous lizards that are covered in thick scales and both have certain varieties that are capable of flight.
Some paleontologists have maintained that dragons must be different because they can breathe fire.99 Dragons can do this because of their incredibly poor diet rather than any physical difference between them and dinosaurs. When dining, dragons were rather opportunistic—they very rarely phoned ahead and made reservations. Instead they swooped out of the sky, landing on farms and swallowing pigs and cows whole. When pigs and cows weren’t available, they would circle mountaintops and then dive down with their mouths open, swallowing up sheep and frequently half of the ground beneath them.
Additionally, from time to time a local king would send a knight out in full battle armor to try to defeat a dragon.100 Naturally, all too often the knight would be swallowed whole, including sword, shield, armor, and saddle.
You can imagine that this relentless eating played havoc with dragon digestive juices, which were continually frothing and foaming inside a dragon’s gut. (In point of fact, this is why dragons were so often ferocious and mean-tempered—imagine how cheerful you would feel if you had been suffering from indigestion for the last fifty decades.)
The problem of dragon digestive juices was only made worse by the fact that their cattle-heavy diet meant that they were often swallowing animals that contained huge amounts of explosive methane. Once the methane mixed with the digestive juices you can imagine that this created a rather volatile case of heartburn.
Of course, this would not be a problem if not for all the knights that the dragons had also swallowed. Swords, shields, and spiky armor are difficult to digest, and frequently the points or hooks on weapons woul
d get stuck in dragons’ throats. Then when a dragon burped up some methane-infused stomach acid, the swords and shields would strike and rattle against one another, causing sparks, thus igniting the burp in a torrent of smoky flame.
It is suspected that even in the Dark Ages, knights knew that this was what was happening. However, this was never admitted or written down in ballads mainly because it sounds much more lyrical and heroic to say:
“Sir Edmonds was vanquished by the evil dragon Thermocales, who didst breathe terrifying brimstone breath uponst him.”
rather than having to say:
“Eddie got killed when the big lizard burped in his direction.”
Of course, it is interesting to note that ultimately it was dragons’ interest in constantly snacking that led to many of them being vanquished by the great knight Sir Jonley the Late. More information on this is available in handbook section Dragons: The Dangers of Snacking.
* * *
39
ALTERNATIVE USES OF TINFOIL
FRIDAY
When Jack got to school the next morning, buses had been chartered to take all the school to Carrickfergus Castle, where the film was to be made. Apparently, the headmaster felt that it would be an excellent educational opportunity to observe a real film set. Jack suspected that this was all part of Merlin’s plan.
Jack felt incredibly sad as they traveled to the castle. Normally on these kinds of excursions he would have been sitting beside David, whom he had known since elementary school. It wasn’t that Trudy wasn’t great company and a good best friend. It was just that she wasn’t David. David had gone ahead in a chauffeur-driven car with all the pupils who had been selected for special roles in the movie.
“You’re thinking about David, aren’t you?” Trudy asked.
“Yeah, partly that he isn’t here, but also that we might have to fight him. He’s been eating Merlin’s health food all week. His blood’s going to have so much iron in it that Merlin will easily be able to use him as a puppet.”
“We’ll stop Merlin before that happens. The key is trying to destroy whatever sort of control panel he’s using to actually ‘puppet’ the people,” Trudy said. “There’s no way we can do anything about the stone and the sword as long as they’re guarded by the suits of armor.”
Carrickfergus Castle was an awe-inspiring sight. It sat on the east coast of Ireland, facing toward Scotland, England, and Wales. A large, outer stone wall covered in windows and arrow slits ran around a central tower that looked out over the water and surrounding landscape.
Trudy pointed out of the bus window. “Are those electricity pylons new?”
“Yes.”
“Merlin must want to make sure he has enough magnetic waves to control all the people who come to be extras in the film.”
The bus had to park on the road, as all the parking lots in the town were filled to capacity. Jack and Trudy pushed their way through the crowded streets, led by a teacher in an unappealing high-visibility jacket. Half the population of the country seemed to have flocked to the castle. Many of them were being outfitted in suits of medieval armor or peasant’s clothing. It was as if a massive Renaissance fair had come to town.
“Are you sure that Merlin isn’t planning to create an army, Jack? Because that’s what this looks like.”
Jack shook his head. “I don’t think it’s that simple. I think there’s a reason he’s brought us to a castle on the coast. There’s something else going on.”
The teacher had started giving the class a lecture on Carrickfergus Castle, which seemed mainly to focus on the facts that it was in Carrickfergus and was a castle.101 Jack suspected that the teacher hadn’t done a substantial amount of research ahead of this field trip and that it wouldn’t be as educational as the school had claimed.
“I think now would be a good time to go missing,” Jack suggested.
Trudy agreed and they both took several steps backward from their school group, disappearing into the huge crowds behind them.
Jack and Trudy were standing in an alley behind a row of shops. “You really think this is a good idea?”
Jack had several rolls of tinfoil in his hands. “Yes—you see, aluminum foil isn’t magnetic. If we make ourselves foil suits,102 I think we’ll be more resistant to Merlin’s control.”
“But I haven’t eaten any of his high-iron health food, and you stopped at the beginning of the week. The levels of iron in our blood are probably low enough that we won’t be affected.”
Jack started wrapping the tinfoil around his legs. “Well, if you want to risk everyone’s lives because you’re too proud to make yourself an aluminum-foil suit, that’s your own business.” Jack started wrapping the foil over his shoulders. “But I take saving the world very seriously indeed, so I’m sure you won’t mind if…”
Trudy punched Jack very hard in the shoulder. Aluminum may not have been magnetic. It may have been heat resistant. But it certainly wasn’t Trudy resistant. Jack’s shoulder hurt very much indeed.
“Hey, look at those kids over there! They’ve covered themselves in tinfoil to try to look like knights! Isn’t that cute! Get a picture…”
“I knew this would happen.” Trudy fumed as she struggled to keep her hands by her side and not punch any of the crowd they were walking through.
“Focus on what we’re here to do. Sometimes when you’re trying to save the world you have to look like an idiot for a while.”
Trudy glared at Jack. “If that’s the case, you look like you’re trying to save the world pretty much all of the time.”
“Hurtful, Trudy. Words hurt, you know,” Jack said. Although he was mainly thinking about the fact that they hurt less than punches in the shoulder and that he should probably be thankful for that fact.
“Where do you think Merlin is hiding?”
Jack pointed across the heads of the crowd. Standing at the entrance to the castle was the large animatronic giant. The green-black animatronic dragon was flying a hundred feet over the castle, occasionally blowing out an enormous plume of orange fire, much to the appreciation of the crowd below. “Wherever the guards are, that’s where Merlin is.”
“Do you think we’ll have to fight a robot giant first?”
“And then a dragon. Well … if it sees what we’re up to from that high up. Do dragons have good eyesight?”
Trudy shouldered her way through the crowd toward the animatronic giant.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
TINFOIL
USE AS A HAT
Some very strange people insist that you can use a tinfoil hat to stop the government from reading your mind.
However, if you’re the kind of person who wears a tinfoil hat, then you don’t really need to worry about it. Because it means you’re the kind of person whose mind the government really isn’t interested in reading.
* * *
40
GIANT PROBLEMS, BUT NO LION OR WITCH
Jack and Trudy pressed their backs to the castle wall fifty feet away from where the massive animatronic giant stood guarding the castle gate. “Any ideas how we can get past the giant?” Jack asked.
Trudy turned and stared. “Really? You didn’t have a plan for this part?”
“I didn’t think about the giant guarding the gate! I thought about the dragon more.…”
“And the aluminum foil suits … but not the giant. Great work, Jack.”
“Half a plan is better than none.”
“Okay, well, here’s an idea—next time you can only come up with half a plan, try and come up with the half that isn’t rubbish.”
Most people would have felt annoyed at such a criticism, but in his heart Jack felt happy that Trudy was admitting that on average, at least half of his previous plans hadn’t been rubbish. “We could always fight our way in?” Jack suggested.
Trudy looked at the surrounding crowds. “Too many people nearby. Someone could get hurt. We need stealth. We need to try and use th
e Misery’s training to turn invisible.”
Jack gulped. Although he’d achieved it when he was alone in his bedroom, he wasn’t sure if he could do it again. Apart from anything else, it meant that he would have to be completely truthful about something in front of Trudy. And that was a terrifying idea.
“Are you sure…?”
“Do you have a better idea?”
Jack admitted he didn’t. They both took a second to try to think of a really honest truth. The kind of truth that you wouldn’t ever admit because it was too embarrassing.
“You ready?” asked Trudy.
“I think so,” said Jack, who really wasn’t sure if he was or not. He tried to focus on the fact that he was doing this to defeat Merlin. What he tried to avoid focusing on was how embarrassed he was going to be later on.
“Okay, we face each other, then on the count of three we tell our truths. And it has to be something really true and embarrassing. Otherwise it won’t work.”
Jack and Trudy both turned and stared at each other. If this worked, they’d be looking through each other in a few moments.
“One … two … three.”
“When my mother was away I cried every night.”
“Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if you were my girlfriend.”
There was a ping and Jack watched as Trudy blurred and disappeared. He hoped desperately that he had vanished too so that Trudy wouldn’t see how badly he was blushing. He looked down at his hands and was happy to see that they had vanished.
“Jack—what did you just say?”
