by Paul Gamble
104 Currently available in no bookstores anywhere, it’s going to be titled STATIC—The Shocking Truth, obviously.
105 Which was very similar to what he’d already said all the way back in Chapter 6. The reason for this is that Merlin spent all his time working on revenge and science and didn’t pay anywhere near enough attention to his villainly dialogue.
106 Just like thousands of butterflies all flapping their wings at once.
107 I think we all know exactly to whom this is referring. If you don’t, use the Internet and find out. They really are the most brilliant films.
108 You probably don’t need to look up whom I’m talking about on the Internet anymore.
109 Some of you may be wondering how Merlin stayed alive for so long. The obvious answer would be magic. However, as well as being the obvious answer, it is also the wrong answer. The truth is that Merlin has no idea what had kept him alive for so long, although it would have been obvious to an experienced Ministry operative. For many decades Merlin’s entire life was all about hatred of King Arthur. As we know from the use of The Speed, negative emotions slow down time. Merlin’s entire life was about hatred and revenge—therefore time slowed down around him, stretching out his lifespan to hundreds and hundreds of years. If Merlin stopped hating and plotting revenge, or even if he fell in love, there was a good chance that he would suddenly age and drop dead on the spot. Anything heartwarming could potentially be fatal for him. Therefore, it was a good thing he didn’t like puppies, rom-coms, or fluffy toys.
110 If you’re wondering whether Merlin really got this idea from the Atlanteans, he totally didn’t. He stole it from Apple and Siri.
111 In Knight Fan magazine, Sir Jonley the Late listed his three pet peeves as trolls, evil enchanters, and helmet hair.
112 An Ulster Fry is made up of bacon, sausages, eggs, tomato, pancakes, soda bread, and potato cakes. The cooking instructions are relatively easy—you take all the ingredients and fry them together in a pan. As an occasional breakfast meal it is absolutely delicious. However, if you try to eat one two days in a row, it’s probably a good idea to have the number of your cardiologist on speed dial.
113 Technically he was sentenced to a term of sixty years or half a million balloon animals, whichever came first.
