“I’m not taking your money Nicola. End of discussion.”
“Don’t dismiss me, Cade, and take the fucking money.”
Cade’s angry persona turns conflicted as he takes the money from my hand.
Gavin
Cade sent a text letting me know he just dropped off Nicola. It’s two in the morning and I’m exhausted. My eyes are so freaking dry from the amount of hours I’ve been awake. There is no way I’m sleeping tonight either. Hopefully, Nicola will still feel like talking.
To get ready for her return, I grab two beers from the refrigerator and go wait by the elevator door. When it finally opens Nicola rushes into my arms and her tears flow. The sound of her sobs makes me want to find Jason so I can cut his hands off so he cannot hit another woman. To shoot his fucking dick off so he cannot rape another woman. I wouldn’t kill him; I’d just leave him dickless!
Enough of those thoughts. My girl needs me. “I’m sorry you had to relive that.” I say as I pull her in tighter. She doesn’t respond but does give me a squeeze.
I’m not sure how much time has passed, probably a good ten minutes before she finally backs out of the hug. When she does, I just want to pull her close again. It dawns on me that it’s not just my mind and heart that craves closeness to Nicola. My entire body does. She is truly a part of me.
“Do you want to go outside?” she asks finally taking notice of the beer in my hand.
“Sure.” I reply and we head outside. After she sits down, I decide to start talking. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She shakes her head no, but her mouth opens to speak, “I honestly don’t know what to say.”
I want her to know she can share her feelings with me, and I definitely don’t want her keeping it inside, so I ask, “How many videos did you watch? How did it make you feel watching them?”
“I randomly picked out three. And I felt angry! How else would I feel?”
“I felt angry too. I wished I could have been there for you.” I confess.
“I was more angry with myself.” Nicola admits and it confuses me.
“What? Why?”
“When the videos started, I looked young. Probably twenty-six years old. In the next video, I’m almost thirty. I know, because Allison is just an infant. Between the two videos, I can see that the light has left my life and outside of Allison, I remember thinking I had no reason to live anymore. I gave Jason so much power. I did nothing, Gavin. Nothing but take the abuse over and over and expose my innocent child to that monster.”
“You did do something Nicola, probably the most important thing you could’ve done for those nine years. You survived. You gathered your courage and you made a plan to leave with nothing.”
“Maybe you see it that way. I can’t. Not yet.”
“I hope you can forgive yourself. That’s a lot of pain and hatred to hold onto for the rest of your life.”
She lets out a humorless laugh and says, “There will be a constant reminder. Like you said, those videos are everywhere. When I walk down the street I’m always going to wonder who saw me take a beating. Who got off by the sight of me being raped! I just don’t see how that can leave me. But that’s not the worse part. You’ve seen them. I’m sure that changes your opinion and view of me. I know it would be hard to be with a girl who’s basically a dirty porn star. And trust me I get it.”
Huh? She thinks I give a shit about the tapes? That I blame her in anyway? “Nicola, I don’t give a flying fuck what other people think. Yes, it bothers me that other people watched those things being done to you, but only because they took pleasure in your pain and humiliation. What do I need to do or say to prove to you that no matter what, I love you too and I’m not leaving your side for any reason. You are the love on my life, Nicola. I should’ve said it earlier, but it didn’t seem like the right time.”
Saying the words I love you is so freeing, and I pray she believes me.
“How can you love me after what you saw? Really, Gavin. Think about it. You’re a cop and you want to save me. Saving me and loving me are two different things.”
She’s making my blood pressure rise! It’s so frustrating that she can’t just hear my words and accept them.
“Nicola, I saved a man from a burning car, and I don’t love him the way I love you. I saved a little old lady after she suffered a heart attack in the checkout line at a supermarket, and I don’t want to marry her and have children with her like I want to marry you and have more kids with you. I saved Mallory from a man with a gun, and I don’t want to take her to my bed like I want to take you to my bed. So yes! I know the difference between saving and loving. I don’t see you differently Nicola. I see all of you! The beautiful in you! The ugliness that has been done to you. The strength inside of you. The woman who has brought life back into my life.” Take that Nicola! I laugh to myself.
“But you’re talking a lifetime of ugliness Gavin. This doesn’t ever leave us. Your family has access to those tapes and can watch them. When you go back to being a cop your buddies can watch those tapes. You think you don’t care now but what about when life seems to be going fine and someone says, “Oh I watched your wife take a bat up her ass.” Then what Gavin? You will constantly have to defend me. That’s not a future with a white picket fence and a big happy family sitting on the front porch.”
“Seriously Nicola? You don’t know my family very well. They would never dream of watching those tapes. They wouldn’t disrespect you or me like that. And if those words ever left a person’s mouth in front of me, it’d be the last time they spoke with teeth in their mouth. The Bible verse I had tattooed does give me hope for a future. I don’t know what that future looks like. But we can make it our own. We can decide what the future looks like, and I for one don’t want Jason to be a part of it. Cade and I are going to New York. Without you, Nicola. And we will have those signed divorce papers when we return. After that, we can start painting the new picture of our future life together.”
Nicola
I hear what Gavin is saying and I want to argue, but I don’t want to see Jason ever again in my life. Still, it isn’t Gavin’s, and definitely not Cade’s place, to take care of it. I’m not sure I could trust Cade not to gut Jason like a fish.
“Why do you both have to go to New York? Isn’t there a way to do something from here?” I ask.
“No. Besides, intimidation is the best way to handle Jason. He’ll get a choice after he signs the divorce papers and the adoption paperwork I’m having Cade draw up for me.”
Happily stunned at the last statement, I press for more information. “You would adopt Allison?”
“Sure. If you’ll allow it and if it’s what she wanted and when she wants it.” He replies seriously and it makes the ache in my heart turn to happiness.
Addressing his other statements I ask, “Should I be afraid of Cade? He scared me, though it wasn’t intentional. There’s something about him I don’t trust. And what choice are you giving Jason?”
“Well, Jason gets to decide if he spends the rest of his life in prison for those tapes or if he spends roughly fifteen years for embezzlement. Cade figured out how he was doing it and explained it all to me. He’s done it over his sixteen years at work. His losses were never so great that the company would suspect anything, but he stole over a hundred thousand dollars. Some he used to start up his website. Some he used to rent an apartment where he did the same thing to other women that he did to you. As far as Cade goes, just don't ever, ever touch him. Not even by accident. He doesn’t like to be touched; not at all. You can shake his hand but never go in for a hug. But yes, you can trust him. I wouldn’t have sent you off with him if I couldn’t trust him with your life.”
That’s a lot of information to process. I had no idea Jason was embezzling money. Nothing about him would surprise me anymore, so I decide in this moment to let Gavin and Cade take care of him. I wash my hands of him. I know he will always be a part of my past, but I won’t give him my future.
“Gavin, I’m going to trust you to take care of Jason. I’ve got to find a way to start moving forward. What’s wrong with Cade? He didn’t seem to mind being touched. He laid down next to me and placed his hand on my shoulder when...”
I’m interrupted by an angry voice, “What do you mean when he laid down next to you?”
“After I destroyed his office, I broke down crying on the floor. He came and laid next to me. Our bodies didn’t touch but he did put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me. Then he offered me his hand when I needed to get off the floor.” I rush to explain.
“Oh okay. Yeah, but it was just his hand. He wouldn’t ever offer you and I’m not sure any other woman more than a hand. To my knowledge, Cade has never had any physical contact with anyone. I can’t say that for certain because he’s pretty private.”
For some reason I feel like I’m getting off one crazy train only to get on another. I’m exhausted and need to crash for the night and refresh.
“I need to go to bed. I’ve got to be at work in 4 hours.”
“My mom called earlier and she won’t be in her office tomorrow. So she asked if you could work on Saturday instead of tomorrow.”
I’m pretty sure Gavin is blowing smoke up my ass, but I’m too drained mentally to question his lie. Also, I could use a solid sleep.
“Alright, that’s fine.” I say while getting up from my chair.
When I get to the door I hear Gavin say, “I love you, Nicola. Sleep well.” My heart melts.
I turn to face him once again, “I love you, Gavin.”
Chapter 30
Gavin
It’s noon and Nicola is still asleep which makes me happy because I know she needed it, but it’s just Allison and me now. I heard her fumbling in the bedroom for over an hour before she decided to come out into the living room with me. I offered breakfast, my famous pancakes and eggs, but she declined. That was two hours ago and she still hasn’t eaten. She has to be starving, so I decide to ask her if she wants me to order a pizza for lunch.
She’s sitting on the opposite end of the couch watching a show called Vampirina. I’ve rolled my eyes at these characters more than a few times, but she seems to enjoy them.
“Allison, I’m getting hungry and was going to order a pizza. What kind of toppings do you like?”
She looks at me with wide eyes and uncertainty, but I know her hunger is overriding her need to ignore me. “I like cheese.”
“That’s it? No pepperoni or sausage?” I ask.
“Just cheese.”
Man, she’s going to be hard to get to know.
After I order the pizza, I decide to go take a shower because a six-year-old girl is making me feel unwanted. It’s not funny but I’m laughing thinking that the only thing that can scare the hell out of me or make me feel so incredibly uncomfortable is a little girl.
Right after my shower, I quickly get dressed, knowing I have to go face my fears and try talking to Allison again. The buzzer goes off letting me know the pizza has arrived. After taking it from the delivery guy, I carry it to the table, making the decision not to let her eat on the couch. Since I am the adult, I know I need to take charge of the situation. I place two slices on her plate and call her into the dining room.
She comes when called and sits down on the chair. I smile when I realize she went out of her way not to look at me. There has to be a way to outsmart a six year old. Right?
“So, Allison, is pizza your favorite food?” I ask.
“No. French fries and chocolate are.” she replies and it surprises me. Maybe she’s willing to talk. So, I try another question.
“What would you like to do today? You’re in the great city of Chicago. Whatever you want to do, we can do.”
She shrugs her shoulders, but I think she’s trying to think of what she wants to do. She’s probably never been given the chance to decide what she wants her day to look like, at least not that she can remember. She really looks like she’s struggling, so I decide to encourage her. “Seriously Allison, whatever you want to do, we can do. Well if it’s possible in Chicago.”
“You’re not lying like you did about the fireflies are you? Why did you lie to me?” she questions. Shit! I was hoping she’d forgotten about that.
How do I answer this? I don’t want to lie to her again, so I speak from my heart. “I’m sorry I lied to you. Sometimes adults want to make children happy, so they tell little lies. We don’t do it to be mean, we do it because we love when kids are happy. It’s like parents lying about Santa being real. Even though Santa isn’t real, they want their kids to believe in the magic. Do you get what I’m saying?”
“Santa isn’t real?” she sadly asks.
Fucking Gavin! What the fuck man? Killer of dreams. Six year olds believe in Santa. I’m a dumbass!
Suddenly Allison starts hysterically laughing and pointing her finger at me. “I know Santa isn’t real. He never visited me. Mommy told me the truth.”
“Oh thank God! Your mommy would’ve been so mad at me.” I say between my laughs. “Well I’m Santa today. Name three things you’ve always wanted and never got? And it’s yours.”
“Really?” she exclaims.
“Yes, really.”
“Anything I want?”
“Anything you want.”
“You promise?”
Now I’m starting to get nervous that she wants something money can’t buy. “Yes, I promise it. If I can buy it here in Chicago, then yes. I promise.”
“I know what I want,” she says.
“You don’t want time to think about it.”
“No, I know what I want. I want a dog, a cat and some lipstick like my mommy wears.”
Oh my fucking God! A dog and a cat and lipstick. Okay lipstick is reasonable but I don’t like pets. A goldfish maybe. This is the second time I’ve screwed myself by thinking Allison was a typical six year old with typical wants. A fucking cat? Jesus Christ! I made the promise so I guess we’re getting a cat and a fucking dog today.
“Ok, when your mom wakes up we will go pick out a dog and a cat.”
“MOMMY!” Allison’s screams to wake up her mom.
“Allison, wait. Let your mommy sleep. We can go when she’s had her rest.”
Seconds later I hear Nicola running down the hallway. When she reaches us, I bust out laughing. Her hair looks like a haystack and the shorts she slept in are jumbled on her body. Her left ass cheek is hanging out. It’s the sexiest I’ve ever seen her look.
“What? What is it Allison?” Nicola frantically asks as she looks around the room for a threat that isn’t here.
“I’m getting a dog and a cat and lipstick today.” Allison informs her mom.
Nicola looks so confused as she runs her fingers through her crazy hair. “What?”
“Gavin said he would buy me a cat, a dog and some lipstick today.”
“He did, did he?” Nicola questions as she gives me a you're in deep shit look.
“Yes, he did. Go get dressed.” Allison bosses her mom.
“Did you tell Gavin before he agreed, that you are allergic to cats?”
What the fuck? I don’t want a damn cat but I’m getting this girl a cat.
“She can take allergy medicine can’t she?” I suggest.
“She could but I don’t want her on daily medicine if she doesn’t need to be. Sorry Allison. No cat.”
At first I think Allison is going to be mad at me for lying again but instead she says, “That’s fine. I can get two dogs.”
Two fucking dogs? I scream in my head.
Nicola
While we walk the aisles of this massive animal shelter, I think about the ways I’m going to make Gavin pay for this. What the heck was he thinking when we agreed to get Allison two dogs. I wanted to put my foot down and say no, but something happened when I was asleep. They actually talked, and I don’t want Gavin to be someone who offers Allison false promises.
Allison stops at every cage and wants ev
ery single dog we pass by. I know right now this is an all day outing.
“Allison, do you see the colors at the top of the cages?” Gavin asks her.
“Yeah?” Allison forms it like a question. Probably because she’s wondering what his point is.
“The animal shelter color codes their animals. Some dogs aren’t good with other animals. Some aren’t good with little kids. So we are looking for dogs with only the color green on their cards.”
Well that helps. I think to myself. Because there are a lot labeled blue and red, it narrows down our choices. We walk for what feels like an eternity when Allison stops for more than a few seconds. Curious about what dog is holding her attention I walk over to the cage and see the ugliest three dogs ever made. Spotted, too thin, and in need of grooming. I wonder if they just plucked them off the street this morning.
“What are their names, Gavin?” Allison asks.
“Floyd, Lloyd, and Fern.” Gavin answers and I think their names match their dorky look.
They must be part terrier because their grey hair is coarser.
“Ok, these are the ones I want.” Allison informs us.
“Which two? Do you want a boy and girl or two boys?” I ask.
While I wait for her to decide, I read their story. The mom is in the cage next to her three pups. They were rescued from being dog-fighting bait. The mom is almost out of time. She only has a couple weeks before she is put to sleep. She looks so young. I’m surprised at the connection I feel with this dog. We are survivors, but my second chance doesn’t have a time stamp on it like hers does. I tear up thinking about the shitty life she’s had so far. I place my hand on her cage and silently let her know we will take care of two of her puppies.
“Never mind. Let’s go. I don’t want a dog.” Allison says and takes off running.
Gavin looks at me confused and I have no idea what that’s about, but we both call after her and start running to catch up with her.
Gavin (Made From Stone Book 2) Page 16
