by Abra Ebner
He looked at me with a smile. “Jane,” he whispered, saying it as though it was the first time he’d seen me since I was little. “I’ve been trying to find you, but as it goes I always get off track.”
I wanted to grab his hand, but I knew it was useless. “You did find me, Father. You found me when I most needed you and that’s all that matters.”
He frowned. “But then I lost you again.”
I tilted my head. “It’s okay, Dad.” I was afraid to tell him that he was about to lose me again.
“Why are you here?” he asked, looking concerned.
I bit my lip. “Looking for you. Why are you here?”
He smiled. “I’m waiting for you. I’m waiting for my family.”
Each word he said made it harder for me to remain latched on my decision to go back and be reborn. My father loved us so much that he was waiting for our arrival, and yet I was biting my time to leave.
He gazed deep into my eyes. “What’s wrong?”
I wanted to cry when he asked that. He’d always been the only person in our family that seemed to know when something was truly bothering me. Emily and my mother never picked up on the subtle hints as he did.
“Father,” I paused, gaining the strength to say it. “I’m going back.”
He stood a little taller, seemingly mulling over the reply. “I see.”
It wasn’t the reaction I had expected, then again, what reaction was I expecting?
He looked to Eliza. “I see,” he repeated.
I shut my eyes for a moment, allowing myself to really think about my decision. The annoying thing was it still felt right. Under all the guilt I felt for leaving him, being reborn was still enticing.
“You want a new life,” he went on.
I swallowed. “No. It’s not like that. It’s not that I want to replace you, or forget this life. I have to do this for me.”
He seemed to consider this a long while, leaving me hanging for what felt like fifteen minutes. “You fell in love, didn’t you?”
I was afraid to tell him I had. This was my father, and I couldn’t help but feel a bit bashful admitting it.
“Who?” He asked simply. His face had changed from sadness to intrigue.
It gave me the strength to want to tell him. “His name is Max.”
My father’s eyes lit up immediately. “Not Max Gordon, right?”
I nodded carefully.
My father’s face was like stone, but then he smiled. “I should have known.”
I felt a release wash over me. It was important to me that I had his approval, though that still wouldn’t have stopped me. I loved Max.
“I should have seen that the day I died, but it’s all so foggy.”
I nodded.
“But why not wait for him?” he began.
I tilted my head and dropped my gaze to my hands. “I’m not ready for all this, Father. My soul has not lived enough. Truthfully, I do not want to meet him this way, not with the history that I still remember. Life was great up until the day you died. Since, I don’t feel like it’s been a life at all.”
I saw my father’s sadness return. “It’s my fault. I loved you, but I was ignorant to think I could protect you given who I was—all of you. Since I left, I’ve been a mess wondering what my carelessness did to you all. I sense now that it did a lot, and I don’t mean that in a positive way. I guess I could see why you want to start over.”
I smiled vaguely. “You’ll always be my father. This life will not be forgotten—not my time or this world. I need to start over. I need to live a normal life—if that opportunity exists for me. Having loved Max, I’ll know what to look for that next time around. That has to be something the universe can’t erase. Max will live a long time. He’s just going to have to wait for me to find him again.”
I felt a strange disconnect from my father then. I’d changed from a girl who looked up to her father and listened to his every word, to a woman who independently searched for love and understanding of her own.
My father straightened his back. “At least let me see you off. It’s the least I can do after all I’ve put you through.” He nodded as though telling himself this was alright. “You’re right. This is the path you need. I cannot hold on to the life we had together before my passing. I see now that the time you’ve spent living since then has tarnished too much of that.”
I looked sideways at Eliza as she stood a few paces away, looking eerily content with her hands laced together before her. It was as though she knew this would happen all along, as though every word she’d uttered to me since I’d been here led up to this moment.
We walked together to the tree where we made our way inside. As my father looked up I paid close attention to the reflection in his eyes. It was dark and daunting.
“I could never go back. I’m not sure how many lives I’ve lived, but I know that I’ve lived enough. What I see offers little intrigue to me,” he explained.
I looked up at what I saw. Swirling gold, speckled with pink light. I was certain I was meant to go back. I craved life so much after craving death for so long.
I could see my father look at me from the corner of my eye. “But I can tell what you see is far different.” His voice sounded as though he’d come to terms with this. “It’s my fault I lost you in the first place. I can bear to lose you again knowing you’re going to a place much better.”
But that was the mystery. There was no certainty that I was headed for a better life, but it was my time. I was due for something great.
“I’ll miss you, Jane. At least on my end, I will never stop thinking about you. Your life here will live on in my memory. Take comfort in knowing that person will never be forgotten.”
I wanted to hug my father one last time, but the best I could do was lean toward him on my toes and kiss the air his cheek occupied. In my mind I felt it just as I would if he were really there.
Eliza stepped toward us then, sensing we had said enough of our goodbyes. I felt a nervous feeling rise in the pit of my stomach—fear that Max wouldn’t be able to find me, fear that this was wrong—it was quickly replaced with excitement.
“Follow me,” she said simply.
We turned and walked toward the trunk of the tree. Ducking inside, Eliza urged my father to step back as she stood before me. She held her hands at her sides and shut her eyes for a moment before opening them again. Her hands reached for my arms, and though I was no more than a glimmer, I felt a tickle as her touch grazed down toward my fingertips. I felt small tugs as she did this, working with my glimmer the same way she had with the woman of before.
This was it, it was really happening. Though it felt sudden, what point did I have in waiting? I watched Eliza, unable to feel as she wrapped me up in her hands. Before I knew it, nothing of me was left but my eyes, and with one last wrap, I felt the sensation of release wash over me. I exhaled softly, holding my breath as it all blurred to gray. In the grayness I felt my life slipping away, but not in sadness or loss, but rather in fond memory. It slipped away from me like a silk sheet in the wind, leaving me naked but unashamed. I felt myself begin to fly then, overhead the same swirling gold and pink light I had seen before. All around me this was all I saw, my mind a wash of why I saw it, and how I got here. I flew forward willingly, eagerly looking ahead. With each flutter I made, what was behind me disappeared. Inside I felt new and curious.
Wherever I was going, I was headed home.
MAX:
In the week that had passed, Avery and I had convened at her Winter Retreat. Though she didn’t admit to it, there were bits of Jane here. Her past game with Jane bothered me still. How was it I did not know she was doing what she had? Knowing Avery now, and seeing the way she had progressed in just the last week made it seem like another person entirely—like Navia had nothing to do with Avery to begin with.
We stepped off her front porch and set off on the path down the mountain. I enjoyed this walk with her every day. It had offered us the o
pportunity to connect, realize what our time together had meant and what it would mean. Today we were focused on an important task, a big task. Mentally, we prepared ourselves for the turmoil it would create.
Snow was still falling as Avery and I approached the cemetery. Avery was careful to pull her white hood over her head, shielding her eyes in hopes the guards would not recognize her. I still felt a certain amount of unease standing beside her, always prepared in case she changed her mind, in case all this was a trick to kill me. That angle of distrust was not about to change anytime soon. Avery was going to have to earn it.
We were welcomed through the gates without a problem. Turning, we headed straight for the pergola, not finding the need to waste time anywhere else. Passing the gravestones, I tried to imagine that one would soon read my name, alongside Jane’s. Under the icy arches of the pergola we ascended the stairs and approached Jane’s body. I allowed Avery to stand over her, just inches from the woman she’d taken from me. Avery’s hand hovered over the scars on Jane’s face. I wished I could read Avery’s expression under the hood, but all I could see were her lips. They parted, releasing a breath that seemed guilty and sad.
“I never wanted to be this kind of person,” she whispered. “Seeing this, I can’t believe I was the cause for it.”
I felt another tingling in my heart as a slither of something liquid pulled away from it, making its way to my fingertips. I reached for Avery’s hand, taking it in mine as the silvery feeling transferred to her. She looked at me with alarm, her eyes suddenly another shade brighter. Each time this happened it came as a surprise to her as well as me. It was the redemption of her soul that triggered it. I put my hand on my chest, knowing I still held the whole of what she craved, but less than before. If she were tricking me, the light would not return to her as it was. This was real—Avery was coming home.
Thunder cracked overhead, a hearty breeze whipping over us, along with a heavy feeling of loss. Avery’s hand jerked back then, alarm replacing the lightened look in her eyes as she turned back to look at Jane’s body. “What’s happening?”
I looked at Jane as well, my gut jerking. “I’m not sure.” My heart felt hollow—a sudden change given the passing moment.
I heard the guards react to our alarm, metal clanking as they stepped toward us. “Back away.” One guard barked.
We did as he requested, but as I watched Jane, I finally saw what we were reacting to. I tried to lunge toward Jane as it happened, but I was stopped as a guard grabbed me from behind. Avery, seeing what I had, tried to do the same. She too was held back, another couple guards arriving to assist. In my defense, I felt my wings grow from my back, bursting into the air and throwing the guards off me. I fell to my knees.
Slowly, Jane’s body began to crumble, pieces deteriorating as though watching a cliff fall apart over thousands of years.
“What’s happening?” I yelled.
The guards had found their footing once more, but took caution in trying to arrest me again.
“This happens,” one spoke in an aggressive tone. “She’s moved on.”
“Moved on?” Avery gaped, voicing the question my own mind wanted an answer to.
Before I knew it, Jane’s body was nothing but a pile of ash, slowly pulling at the edges as the wind took it away. I found my footing, approaching the bench, wanting to touch what once was her, but withholding.
“It happens,” the guard went on, no longer sounding so aggressive. “I’ve been told that when the soul decides to move on to a new life, what’s left of them disappears. It’s not the first time I’ve seen this.”
“I don’t understand.” My voice was demanding, but the guards did not bother to say anymore as they turned and resumed their positions around the edge of the room. My head fell into my hands. Avery arrived at my side. I looked up at her, noticing a tear fall from her now vibrant blue eyes, on their way to the crystal blue I remember.
“It’s my fault, Max. I’m sorry.”
I didn’t care for her apologies anymore. There was nothing we could do about it. Jane was gone. Even though a part of me knew she was gone already, this felt permanent. I had nothing else to hold onto. “Why did she do this?”
Avery shook her head.
I stood and ripped the sheet off the pedestal as the rest of the ash went with it, blowing across the space and into the cold wind. It mixed with falling snow, swirling around in the air before dissipating completely.
“What am I supposed to do?” I asked aloud, twisting the sheet in my hands and bundling it into an angry ball.
Avery walked up to me, taking the sheet from my hand and placing it on the empty pedestal. She then took my hands in hers. “You wait for her, Max. You find her again.”
I felt my whole spirit die. I shook my head. “I don’t think I have the patience,” I murmured. “I don’t think I have the strength.”
Avery released my hands and wrapped her tiny arms around my torso. She slowly leaned her head against my chest. “But you do. After all, that’s the thing I’ve always loved most about you.” She looked up at me. “And I’m here to help you. If it’s the last thing I do, I will make what I did right by finding her.”
STELLA:
At the end of the day I’d grown tired of watching the clock, waiting and hoping that when Lacy came home, Wes would be with her. This day—or this whole thing, rather—wasn’t moving fast enough for me. Wes didn’t seem to be picking up on my subtle hints. Perhaps I needed to make my affections for him more obvious.
I sat on a stool in the kitchen. Wes’s step parents were gone on a week-long retreat someplace down the mountain toward Denver. Lacy explained to me that they were never fans of the heavy snow and usually made a point to be gone every other week during the winter months. I felt a little sad knowing that Wes had once spent this time here alone as I was now—it was depressing. I would have gladly come to accompany him sooner if I’d known.
I traced my finger across the granite counter of the small townhouse kitchen. It had been some time since I’d taken flight as the owl. I was growing so comfortable with this body, that I found it easier to move about in this form. The granite felt cool under my touch, as cool as the snow falling outside. Sitting there, though, I felt suddenly tired. I leaned my forehead against the granite, feeling hot as well. My fingers began to tingle with this heat. I moved my hands but they suddenly felt like lead. As I tried to raise my head, a strange sense of melding washed over me. I found I could barely catch my breath as it caught over and over in my throat. My heart began to race with panic.
With all my strength I pushed myself away from the counter and threw my head up, but the stool began to topple backward. I tried to reach forward and grab the edge of the counter but my reflexes failed from the heat occupying each hand, burning them with a pain that made any action unbearable. I flailed midair, trying to think fast, trying to change into an owl before I fell to the ground, but it wasn’t working. The melding feeling was sticking me to this human body harder than ever. It seemed an eternity passed as I fell. Hitting the floor, I can only remember the heave of air from my lungs and the crack of my head against the wood. Blackness swallowed me.
. . .
“Is she alright?” I heard someone say, but it felt miles away.
“She’s breathing, but there sure is a bump on her head and a little blood. Should I call 9-1-1?” The second voice was much more vivid. I recognized it to be Lacy.
I felt hands touching me then. The darkness I had been so comfortably surrounded by now sloughed away. I felt words wanting to form my lips, but I didn’t let them, not yet.
“Let’s get her up.” Wes’s voice was like a beacon in the darkness.
I turned my face toward it, trying to open my eyes.
“I think she’s waking,” he went on.
I wanted nothing more than to see his face. I tried harder to open my eyes, and at last a blurry outline could be seen. Block colors of auburn and blue blended with the dull beige of the
ceiling. I blinked a few times, feeling safe as his warmth surrounded me. As my gaze became clearer, I saw he had propped me in his lap.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
I tried to nod, allowing my gaze to wander to the rest of the room as my vision gained distance. Coming into focus now, I saw Lacy standing a few paces away, her backpack discarded beside her. Further off, under the archway into the kitchen, Jake and Emily stood. Emily had a horrified expression as she looked to Jake.
Did I really look that bad?
All of a sudden, I felt the ground below me fall away as I rose. Wes had easily plucked me off the ground and into his arms.
“I’ll take her upstairs and lay her down,” he announced, turning his attention on me. “Do you need a doctor?” His gaze was so direct that I lost myself in it. Golden eyes bore through me, saying so many things, or at least that was what I hoped.
I shook my head, still suppressing the words I felt I could suddenly say.
As he carried me from the kitchen past Emily, I was relieved when she didn’t offer me a mean look like she had every time before. For the first time, there was true concern in her gaze, and a sort of understanding that hadn’t been there before. They followed as Wes carried me up the stairs. I found myself wishing they’d leave us alone, but I wasn’t that lucky.
Taking each step, it jostled me only slightly, but my head finally began to ache. The numbness left me as the same melded feeling I’d felt before I fell returned, but with a calm intensity this time. I was teeming with a new feeling of life, a connective feeling I hadn’t yet felt. I couldn’t understand what it meant, but all the confusion, all the mixed thoughts and feelings somehow felt more organized. I explored this feeling further as he took me into his room and laid me in his bed. Lacy, Jake and Emily stood around, staring down on me.
I wanted to say something. I feel like I should have, but I was embarrassed. If I said something now, what would they then ask of me? I wasn’t ready to answer all the questions they had asked me already—I just wanted a moment to understand.
