by Layne, Lyssa
So much between us was being left unsaid because it was too complicated and shit was already too messy as it was. Joss was scared. I knew that. Not just of Travis. She was scared of me. Afraid of the ways I could impact her life. Joss, wild and eccentric as she was, was still a raging control freak. Loss did that to you, I knew that better than anyone. But this, whatever was happening between us, before long, neither one of us was going to be able to control it.
“Say something,” she whispered.
“You’re perfection.” I could see in her eyes that she dismissed the words instantly. “Not perfect. Perfection. The way your full lips taste on mine. The dimple on your left cheek that only shows up when you’re trying not to laugh. And those eyes. God Joss, do they see right through me? Because it sure as hell feels that way.”
The soft curve in her bottom lip told me I was right. I reached up to trace it with my thumb, then leaned in and let my mouth do the same.
It was only a matter of seconds before there’d be no turning back.
“I better leave.” The words came out, but my body didn’t respond. Neither did hers.
“Why?” Even as she asked, her body was weaving itself around mine.
“Because. I can’t protect you and Wyatt like this.” My mouth continued to trace various parts of her body, my hands doing more of the same. It was like a fucking out of body experience. My head was clearly telling me to stop and stay alert, but I could also feel every breath of hers against my skin, every tantalizing touch where her body met with mine to the point I felt like I might explode if I didn’t have her right then and there.
“I have the baby monitor hooked up.” She sounded out of breath. Much like I felt. “We’ll be able to hear if he so much as rolls over in his sleep. Besides, Bobby is right outside of his room as well.”
Finally, I managed to hold still long enough to catch her gaze.
“What about you?”
She stared back with an unwavering certainty.
“I could never be safer than I am at this very moment.”
And I’d never been in more danger… than I was at that very moment.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The weeks that followed seemed to pass in slow motion. At least while I wanted them to move faster. Then, when we were mere days away from the first official court date of our case and I began to desperately desire to freeze time, time accelerated and suddenly the week went by at the speed of light.
While Travis hadn’t shown up at the house since his little trespassing adventure at the wedding, he’d made his presence known in other ways. Leaving notes around for me to find. Not just at the house either. Several were left on my windshield whenever I was out running errands and left the car parked outside somewhere. They never said anything incriminating or even outright creepy. The creep factor came solely from knowing he was following me. Watching. Always lurking even when he seemed out of sight. Which was of course the point: to remind me how easy it was for him to get to me.
Derek had reached the point he barely let me leave the house alone anymore. He’d had to pass on several jobs already just to be my babysitter, a gig he wasn’t getting paid shit for unless you counted the hot meals Aunt Deb provided on a daily basis, and I didn’t.
Having Derek escort me everywhere hadn’t stopped Travis from tagging along. Only difference was, now I always knew where he was. Derek’s crazy SEAL senses could spot him even from a mile away. But Travis didn’t know we were watching him just as much as he was watching us these days. Even I had to admit, there was something satisfying about having the tables turned for a change, although I still would have preferred not seeing him at all.
After having turned up the heat to scorching between us that night after our wedding, Derek and I had both decided it would be best to simply let things simmer for a while. At least, I was assuming that’s what he had decided. We hadn’t actually discussed it, but there had been a definite shift in our relationship. Since I couldn’t be sure which one of us had initiated it, I’d decided the decision had been mutual because clearly, that was the most responsible thing to decide given the situation. This was no time for a ridiculous romance. Real life shit was on the line. There was no room for thoughts that made me want to believe my reality had suddenly morphed with some chick flick, even if it was currently cast with a man even Brad Pitt couldn’t compare to.
As part of this new, sensible way of approaching our relationship, Derek had started sleeping out in the living room where he felt he could better keep track of the entire house versus being isolated in the far back bedroom where I was now back to sleeping alone. It sucked by the way. Sleeping alone blew big fat chunks and I seriously wondered how I’d gotten any rest at all over the years. I certainly wasn’t getting any now.
It was three a.m. and I’d been tossing and turning for hours. Frustrated and anxious I threw back the covers and jumped out of bed. I knew for damn sure there was at least one thing that could calm my nerves.
I nearly tripped over Hattie when I opened the door to the dark hallway. She’d been sleeping right outside of my room in between my door and Wyatt’s. Probably on Derek’s orders. I apologized in a hushed voice and leaned down to give her a quick pat on the head before I continued on to the living room.
For a moment I thought Derek was awake as well. I could hear him talking even before I reached him. As soon as he came into view though, I realized he was dreaming. Having a nightmare was probably a more accurate description. His face was completely distorted, pain seared into each one of his beautiful features in a way I’d never seen on him before. Sure, there’d been times I caught him, off in thought and looking forlorn, lost, like he was grieving someone or something. I knew the look. I’d seen it on my own face every morning in the bathroom mirror for two years after Cara died. It wasn’t just losing my best friend. It was so much more. She’d been there for every second of my past, and together we had planned out every detail of our future. Without her, suddenly it had seemed like neither existed anymore. Which sort of felt like maybe I didn’t exist anymore.
Then, there’d been Wyatt. He’d needed me. A new me. So, the old me, the me I knew, had died with Cara, and a new version – a harder and more capable one – had taken my place. Except now I felt like maybe that chick had seen Derek and taken off running, too. Cowards. All of them. But it begged the question, which part of me was still here? And how did she feel so self-assured and strong when so much had already been stripped away?
“Derek.” I whispered, lightly stroking his hair. It was damp with sweat. My hand had barely settled on him when his arm flew up and I felt the pinch of his tight grip on my wrist.
His eyes flew open and a man I’d never seen before stared back at me. Then, as quickly as he’d appeared, he was gone again and Derek’s face filled with horror as he realized what he’d done.
“Shit. Are you okay?” He pulled himself upright and carefully held up my hand to examine my wrist. It was red.
“I’m fine. Really. I shouldn’t have startled you like that, I’m sorry.” I tried to wriggle free from his hold. The longer he stared at the marks he’d left behind, the worse he’d feel and that was the last thing I wanted.
“Don’t apologize to me. Are you nuts? I should never have grabbed you like that. Startled or not. What if it had been Wyatt? Fuck.” He buried his face in the palm of my hand. He didn’t say anything else, but started trailing soft kisses around my wrist. Even in the dim light I could see a gut-wrenching hurt festering on the contours of his face as he continued to battle his emotions.
I knelt down on the floor in front of him so I could look up at his downcast eyes.
“Listen to me. I am fine. Wyatt is fine. You would never hurt us. Not even when startled out of a deep sleep.”
He shook his head. “You don’t know that, Joss. These dreams. The shit I see when my eyes are closed…when I’m there, I do things I would never do here.” The light from the TV streaked his eyes. They were glassy and red a
nd I wasn’t sure if it was from being exhausted or fighting back actual tears. Somehow I couldn’t picture Derek crying. In the short time I’d known him, he certainly hadn’t struggled with expressing a variety of feelings, and yet I always got the distinct sense that he was very particular about what he showed me, always in total control of himself and his emotions.
Now, all of that strength and composure seemed to be breaking away, crumbling right before me, revealing things he’d never shared with me. It seemed selfish suddenly, how much I had relied on him. How much of my crap I had placed on him to carry without ever offering to do the same for him. Maybe I was maxed out on my own shit, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t take on someone else’s.
I reached up to cradle the side of his face in my free hand. “Hey.” The weight of his head rested against my palm and all I could think was how badly I wanted to offer him the same comfort and safety he had given me in the last month. “Whatever happened, whatever you did, you are good man, Derek.”
He pressed his lips together, closing his eyes. “Not nearly good enough.”
“How can you say that? After everything you’ve done for me and my family?”
His gaze dropped back down to meet mine and I saw it. Fear. The man I knew to be my rock. My soldier. The person who stood up to every monster of my past without hesitation, had a beast of his own he was terrified of.
Slowly I got to my feet. Never letting go of his face, I drew him to my stomach and softly wrapped my arms around him. The strength of his own grasp tightened around me and I realized I never wanted him to let me go. Maybe it was more selfishness. Or maybe because I was strong enough to face his demons when so many weren’t. Then again, maybe I just knew neither of us could ever go back to being alone after having felt the safety of being together.
Derek and I never made it much farther than the edge of the couch. We wound up sleeping on the floor beside it, my entire body wrapped around him, cocooning him in the only shield I had to offer. Myself.
Come morning, the pain of his haunted night had been magically erased from his face again. However, now that I had seen it, a glimmer of the truth remained there in his eyes.
“Everybody up?” Aunt Deb called as she let herself in.
“Yeah, we’re up,” I shouted back from the living room. Wyatt had strolled in twenty minutes earlier and was happily sitting in the recliner with Hattie beside him, petting her head while he watched cartoons.
“Why aren’t you dressed yet? You guys need to leave in less than an hour.” Aunt Deb had abandoned her usual ‘whatever, it’s cool’ attitude. I guess court did that to people.
“Relax. I’m jumping in the shower right now.” I nodded toward the kitchen. “Derek’s just getting breakfast for Wyatt. He can be ready in less than fifteen minutes, so don’t bite his head off when he walks in the room still wearing his sweats and t-shirt, k?”
She grimaced, not a clear sign of approval, but I was fluent enough in Aunt Deb facial expressions to know Derek would be safe without me.
After taking the fastest shower known to man and slipping into the most responsible-looking ensemble I owned (a pair of grey dress pants in a skinny cut, paired with a tucked in white blouse and classic black pumps), I did my hair and make-up in record time and came bustling down the hallway again.
Somewhere between having to tell my hippie aunt to chill out and reaching the door to my room I had been hit with an explosive surge insisting I bolt from the house and run straight to the courthouse to face this shit storm head on. Because somehow I was sure getting there half an hour before everyone else did would help put it behind me sooner.
Not used to walking in heels, I about ate it halfway down the hall. It hardly slowed me down any though. Of course, the second I reached the living room, I came to a dead stop.
There was my son, eating his breakfast. Innocent enough, you’re thinking. It was. Except he was sitting in Derek’s lap. Both were lounging on the couch together, Wyatt lying back on Derek’s broad chest, and both eating their oatmeal in unison as if they’d been doing it day in and day out for the last four years.
“Feel like you just got punched in the gut, don’t ya, Doodle?” Aunt Deb. I hadn’t even noticed her creeping up on me.
“Uh-huh.” I bit my lip because a little physical pain seemed like a good thing to focus on just then over the massive ache in my soul. “But in a good way.”
***
I heard Joss’s voice and turned my attention toward the hall. The sight of her nearly made me choke on my oatmeal. She looked incredible. She always looked incredible. Today, it was more though. I didn’t know what it was, but I did know if every day of the rest my life started with a bowl of oatmeal, Tom and Jerry, and the sight of her, I’d never want another damned thing.
I cleared my throat. “That was fast.”
“Aunt Deb yelled at me. So, you know, I was scared I might get a time out or something if I didn’t hurry it up. Speaking of, how long before you’re ready?”
Wyatt leaned into me with more pressure as if he was trying to trap me in place and keep me from leaving.
“Jerry’s just about done torturing Tom. It’ll take me ten minutes after that.”
She nodded briefly, then followed Deb into the kitchen, tousling Wyatt’s hair in passing. Her eyes stayed locked onto mine the entire time, both of us craning our necks to keep from breaking the stare as we moved farther apart again.
It was eight forty-seven when I parked the truck and we got out to climb the rather intimidating stairs leading up to the courthouse. We had plenty of time, and Joss seemed to be continually flipping back and forth between being in a mad rush to face her fears and slowing down to dripping molasses as if she could stave off the encounter altogether that way.
“Do you see him anywhere?” Her eyes were darting all around. There was no need to clarify who she meant. Travis had been lurking everywhere we went for weeks. Today was no different.
“He’s parked three rows over. Been behind us since we pulled out on Jefferson. Not alone today though. I’m guessing she’s the mysterious wife we’ve only heard about so far.”
I saw Joss suppress a shudder, an almost automatic response to anything Travis-related these days, and then discreetly helped her get a look for herself.
“You think she knows what a creep she’s married to?” she asked, repeatedly scanning the area they were sitting in.
“Not sure.” I paused. There was something I’d been wanting to ask since day one, but I hadn’t wanted to start a fight. “Did Cara know?”
Joss’s attention shifted away from Travis instantly. “Honestly? I don’t know. She never told me about Travis. Only ever said it was a one-night stand.” Her fingers were fidgeting at her side and I reached out to hold them steady. She continued, “I think she had to have known something though. I mean, why keep his name from me but put it on the birth certificate? And why go through the trouble of making me Wyatt’s legal guardian if she knew there was a record of his father? I don’t know. Plus…”
I waited for her to continue. When she didn’t, I pushed. “Plus what?”
She stopped, nearly to the door now, and turned toward me. “She never kept any secrets from me. Not a single secret in twenty years. It just hasn’t ever made sense to me that she lied to me about something as important as this.”
“Maybe she was scared that you’d see her differently if you knew the truth.” I wasn’t really talking about Cara anymore, but Joss didn’t know that.
“Trust me, I was in no position to judge anyone’s choice in men back then. The only thing it would have changed is how unprepared I was to fight him. If I had known what he was like to begin with, I would have been ready. He never would have had a chance to take it this far.”
I stepped closer to her. “What do you mean?”
“Just that I would have come at him fists swinging, you know? I wouldn’t have taken the time to play nice. He would have known from the start that I was going to mov
e hell and high water to protect Wyatt from him.”
I studied her, the determination in her tone, the fierceness burning in her eyes. “What will you do to protect him this time around?” I already knew what her answer would be, but I needed to hear her say the words.
“Whatever it takes.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Diane, my lawyer, was pacing the foyer waiting for me when we walked in. She eyed Derek curiously as she shook my hand to greet me.
“I see you brought a friend today.”
“Actually, Diane, this is my husband, Derek.” I’d been practicing that sentence for a month now. It still sounded strange every time I heard it out loud.
“Husband? This is new. You didn’t have one of those last time I saw you, did you?”
Derek extended his hand to her. “She sure didn’t. I swept her off her feet and made a mad dash to the altar right after I met her,” he joked, as always his charming self. If only we’d had a female judge assigned to us. Based on Diane’s reaction to him, we’d have won the case in a heartbeat.
“Yes, well. Sweep away, I say,” she chuckled in her deep, raspy voice. “This certainly is an excellent turn in events, my dear. Marriage will definitely work in your favor. Of course, I’m sure that had nothing to do with your impromptu nuptials.” She winked at us and turned to lead the way into the courtroom.
We had barely taken our seats when we were instructed to stand again. Once Judge Parrish was settled, the rest of the room lowered themselves to their chairs as well. There were ten of us on this side of the bench: Derek, myself and Diane at our table and Travis, his wife and two attorneys at his. Behind them, sitting in the first pew, were two children in the company of a woman who looked like the earlier model of Travis’s wife. Didn’t take a genius to figure out the audience he had brought for himself consisted of his stepchildren and mother-in-law.
