He carefully touched her in the right places to arouse her as he kissed her over and over, moving his tongue gently into her mouth suggestively. He worked his fingers over the soft mound that he could tell was slightly swelling in response, and continued kissing her before moving his lips to her ear. “I want this, too, Randy, but only if you do. It’s okay to say no.”
She ran her fingers into his hair as they kissed again. “I’m just scared.”
He took his hand from under her gown and wound his fingers into her hair. “Don’t be. This is me, remember? We can do anything we want, anything you want.”
He could feel her trembling as she moved her lips to his neck, his throat. He kept a tight grasp of her hair as she began kissing her way down his chest, over his abdomen. Then she hesitated.
“Jake, help me.”
“Just make love to me, baby. Do what comes naturally. It can be beautiful, just like you said you wanted it to be.” He kept hold of her hair as she gently took hold of his penis and stroked it into full arousal, then kissed the end of it. He’d always known if she ever did this how much he’d love it, but he’d never said it. It had to be her idea. He groaned with pleasure as she put her hand around him fully and caressed his throbbing shaft up and down while also kissing it…then licking it.
“Jake—”
“Just let it happen, baby.” He felt her lips come around him, and he gently guided himself into her mouth, letting her do the rest. He struggled to dismiss the image of the filthy men who’d forced such a thing on this beautiful, delicate woman. Their cruelty had made it so painful that she had been left bruised everywhere and close to death. To think how shy and inhibited she was about it with her own husband brought fury to his blood, but he forced back any dark emotions that might spoil the moment.
Enjoy it, he told himself. She wants you to enjoy it. She wants to be the one to give you pleasure. He had to be careful. If he got caught up in the anger he still felt over what had happened, she’d feel it. She’d back away, and he’d lose her again.
He closed his eyes and let her take in as much of him as she chose. Even just a little was enough to bring an erotic pleasure far more intense than he’d anticipated. He couldn’t help the sheer thrill of it. He clung to her hair, and she took in more of him, as deeply as she could manage. She’d said she wanted him to take his pleasure for once in something she did to him, and he damn well wasn’t having any trouble doing that.
“God, Randy, it’s beautiful,” he groaned.
She shivered again, running her tongue over him as she pulled up and down with her lips, clinging to his free hand the entire time. The ecstasy was so intense he knew he would have to release soon.
“Randy, I can pull out before I come.”
She squeezed his hand with surprising strength, as though to tell him this way was all right. She made a strange little whimpering sound, and he couldn’t tell if it was from terror or pleasure, but now he was too lost in the moment to decide. He reminded her again she could stop, but she moved over him beautifully. He hung on as long as possible, but the sheer ecstasy of it brought forth a pulsating climax.
He really hadn’t planned for this part, because he knew what those men had done, forcing her to swallow their filth. She let out an odd groan and kept pulling at him until he finished. Jake grabbed a small towel he’d brought to bed in case this happened and eased himself out of her, handing her the cloth.
“Spit it out, Randy.”
She shook her head, saying nothing. She swallowed first, then took the towel with shaking hands and wiped at her lips. “I…wanted it this way,” she said in a near whisper, shivering. “I needed it to be you I…tasted.” She broke into tears.
Damn it! Jake scooted down and pulled her close, nuzzling her neck, finding her mouth, tasting his own life as he kissed her with groaning pleasure. This was the most he’d wanted her in a long time. He ran his tongue into her mouth. She’d chosen to let him take away the ugly by doing the very thing that had horrified her with those men. He held her close and kissed her hair again. “Jesus, don’t cry, Randy. Don’t slip away from me again. Tell me you’re all right. You told me it was what you wanted.”
“I know.” She moved her arms around him and kissed his chest. “Thank you, Jake.”
He couldn’t help a smile of relief. “I think I’m the one who should be thanking you.” He scooted down enough to meet her mouth again, kissing her gently. “That was the most beautiful thing we’ve ever done.”
She used the towel to wipe at her nose and eyes. “I hoped it would be. I didn’t hate it, because it was you.” She kissed his neck as Jake softly caressed her breasts. “Jake, I had to do that. I couldn’t let those awful men…be the first…and the last. This is the only way I can live with it. I couldn’t let…that ugly thing…be something…I never even did…with my own husband.” She leaned up and met his lips again in a heated kiss, then ran her fingers into his hair.
“Tell me it wasn’t ugly this time,” he groaned.
“No. I knew you would make it nice. Every way and every place you touch me is always beautiful because… I mean…Jake, sometimes you do the most sinful things with me, and yet I feel like it’s because you love me so much, so it’s always right.” Another kiss.
“Of course it’s always right. You’re my wife. What you just did was right because I’m your husband. You remember that every time I touch you. And right now I very much want to make love to you again, but my side is killing me.”
“Oh, Jake! I—it was so nice I forgot about your pain.”
“It’s okay.” He settled onto his back, and she snuggled against him. “It was most certainly worth it,” he added. “I’ll live.”
They lay there quietly for several seconds. “I can’t tell you how much that helped,” Randy finally told him. “Thank you for finally listening to me. I know you thought that was the worst thing we could do, and in those first few weeks it probably was. But the more I thought about it…the more I realized that’s what I needed.” She wiped at tears again. “And don’t try to tell me you’ve never done that before, the way you used to live.”
He grinned into the darkness. “I was young and wild then.” He kissed her hair. “It’s different with you.”
She grasped his hand and kissed his fingers, still resting her head on his shoulder. “And now I own you the same way you own me. Now we’ve shared each other completely.” She scooted up and kissed his cheek. “And you’re the nicest man on the face of the earth.”
Jake burst into laughter. “Oh my God, a whole lot of people would argue that one! The most common adjectives I get are ‘mean sonofabitch’ and ‘bastard.’ Probably from just about everyone but my family, and there are times when even they would disagree, including you!”
Randy laughed. “I guess I should admit there have been times…”
Jake thought how wonderful her laughter sounded.
Randy sat up slightly, leaning over him. “And you’re only mean to people who deserve it.” She traced a finger over his lips. “But not with me. Never with me. You’re always so careful and kind and devoted and gentle with me when we make love. Other people don’t know how incredibly good you can be.”
He reached up and ran the back of his fingers over her cheek. What he saw now was a mixture of the childish, clingy woman he’d lived with the past several months, and a definite spark of the old Randy. “You sure you’re all right? No lies and no pretending, Randy. That’s what led to us feeling like strangers. And if you never want to do this again, it’s okay. I never want to feel far away from you, and if you feel that happening, you have to tell me.”
“I will. And I’m not saying I’ll never want to do that again. It was nicer than I thought it would be because I love you and you’re a beautiful man. Just promise me we’ll never be far apart again, Jake. I don’t mean in spirit and love. I just don’t want you to
take any jobs like when you were a marshal, when you left for days and weeks at a time. I waited in terror all the time that you’d not make it back. I lived for that whistle you gave when you were coming into town and I knew you were all right. My heart would just burst. When I saw you lying in the street in Boulder, I was so scared my worst nightmare had become real. You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about it. That you would die that way, with me watching.”
“Randy, don’t. We’re here in our own bed. It’s quiet, we’re safe on the J&L and I’m right here beside you and I’m just fine. And I promise I won’t go far away again and leave you alone. But you have to promise me that you will keep eating right and get some meat back on those bones.”
“I promise.” She sat up straight. “In fact—guess what?”
“What?”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”
“Hungry? Now?”
“Yes.”
“Then let’s go downstairs and eat something. There’s no law that says we can’t eat in the middle of the night, and some of that great bread you bake is still sitting on the table.”
She leaned down and kissed him again. “I obviously need to rinse out my mouth first.”
“Was it bad?”
“No. It was actually kind of sweet.”
He grinned. “Considering the source, I’m surprised.”
She laughed again. He’d never heard such a good sound in his life. He rolled her over and nuzzled her neck, laughing with her. “You may do that again any time you want, Mrs. Harkner.”
They kissed again. “Actually, Mr. Harkner, now that I think about it, it’s one way I can be completely in control of the big, bad outlaw.”
“I think I’d rather be in control of you. It doesn’t seem right, the woman being in charge.”
“We’ll see about that. But I do have to say…I love it when you’re in control, and I’ll be glad when you feel good enough to do things my favorite way.”
“How’s that?”
“You inside of me in a place that feels a lot better.”
They laughed together again, and she suddenly pushed him away and got out of bed. “Let me clean up a little and we’ll go eat.”
“Fine with me, but this is torture. I want you so bad right now I’m willing to risk breaking open this wound to make love to you.”
“Well, I don’t want to be responsible for injuring my husband.” Randy hurried into the washroom and closed the door.
Jake breathed a deep sigh of relief and rubbed at his eyes. She was hungry. That was a damn good sign, but he was afraid to set too much store by it. Right now, she’d never seemed closer to the old Randy he could joke with and make love to for sheer pleasure and desire and not out of duty. She’d needed all this time to heal.
He winced with renewed pain as he sat up and reached for his long johns. Maybe God did answer prayer, but this was probably an answer to Evie’s prayers for her mother, not his own. In spite of all of the long talks with his very beautiful, faithful, Christian daughter, he’d never believe God would for one minute give a damn about Jake Harkner. Never had, and never would.
He stood up and buttoned his long johns, then reached for a cigarette, realizing he was damn hungry himself.
Eighteen
Jake awoke to an empty bed. He sat up, somewhat alarmed. In the last few months, Randy had made a habit of not rising until he did, hardly able sometimes to even go downstairs without him coming with her. He heard pans and dishes clattering in the kitchen and detected the smell of frying bacon.
Did he dare wish her change last night had been real? He threw back the covers and rose to wash and dress and perform his daily ritual of scrubbing his teeth with baking soda. Randy loved his smile, so he did all he could to keep it decent. He shaved and dressed, combing his hair before putting on socks and hurrying down the slightly winding stairs that led from their loft bedroom to the great room below—only to find Randy in the kitchen area setting their huge oak table with enough places for the whole family.
“What are you doing up and cooking?” he asked her. “Do you want me to send for Teresa?”
“No. I can do this myself. I want a day with the family. Nothing has been normal yet since we got back. Things have settled down, and I want a family day. A normal family day.”
Jake frowned, watching her set out plates. She looked beautiful this morning, almost radiant, although she had a long way to go to put some meat on her bones. Her dress hung a little big on her, but it almost looked as though she’d worked at making sure her breasts filled up the bodice and a bit of enticing cleavage showed. She damn well knew he loved her cleavage. Was that for him?
“This is a bit of a change—a nice change. You okay about last night?”
“I’m fine.” She stopped stirring, leaning her head against his chest. “Thank you.”
Jake grinned. “A man doesn’t exactly need to be thanked for something like that.”
“Jake, if you ever want that again…”
He leaned farther over and kissed her cheek. “Oh, I want you any way I can get you. Let’s just take things naturally.” He kissed her cleavage. “And you look especially beautiful and enticing this morning.”
“Get your face off my breasts, Mr. Harkner. You know perfectly well Ben or one of the grandchildren could come barging in here any minute.”
He nuzzled her breasts again, and she pulled away, smiling. “Honestly, Jake, I want to make breakfast for everybody. So before you try making love right here on the kitchen floor, go outside and ring the dinner bell twice so the family knows I want them all here.”
Jake turned her and planted a long kiss on her mouth. “Yes, ma’am.” He walked to the door, grabbing a cigarette first from a tin on a cabinet near the door. He glanced back at her and saw I love you in her eyes, along with a look of yearning…to have things normal again. “You take things a day at a time, all right? And you tell me anything that’s bothering you or anything you need.”
“I will. Just don’t leave. Remember your promise not to go far away.”
He nodded. “I’ll remember.”
She held his gaze. “I love you. I’m not sure I’ve ever loved you more.”
He just nodded, knowing he didn’t need to say anything. He took a long match from a box near the cigarettes and walked out onto the veranda to light up.
“Do me a favor and go gather some eggs for breakfast,” Randy called to him.
Jake took a long drag on the cigarette as he walked to the screen door. “Me? I’ve never gathered eggs in my life. That’s a woman’s job.”
“Well, this morning it’s your job. You wanted your wife back, so she’s giving you an order.”
He kept the cigarette between his lips as he leaned against the wall near the door. “This is going too far, woman.”
Randy smiled. “Don’t wring the necks of the chickens just to get them off their nests. Be gentle. A cranky hen could peck you to death.”
Jake grinned. “I’m not going to say what I’m thinking right now.”
Randy laughed. “You don’t need to. I know exactly what you’re thinking! Now go find me some eggs.”
“I’m not guaranteeing anything.” Jake walked out, deciding he’d have to tread lightly for a while yet—make sure he didn’t do or say something that would send her back into that place he couldn’t reach. He took another long drag on his cigarette, thinking how warm it already was this morning. It was going to be a hot day. He put the cigarette to his lips again, then heard it. Crying…actually more like loud sobbing…like a little girl. The sound came from near the chicken coop several yards away near the new barn. The one the men and a few neighbors had raised to replace the one that was burned…last winter…when Brad Buckley took Randy.
He shook away the memory. He was so used to awful things happening to his family t
hat the sound of a little girl crying brought momentary terror to his soul. He threw down his cigarette and half ran to the chicken coop to find Evie’s little girl Sadie Mae standing beside it, in a place where others couldn’t see her. She was crying almost uncontrollably, her face dirty, as was the nightgown she still wore. She held an empty basket, and a pile of broken eggs lay at her feet.
“Sunshine!” Jake hurried to kneel in front of her. “What happened?”
She reached out, hugging him around the neck. “Mommy will be mad at me! And so will Gramma,” she sobbed.
He patted her back. “Sadie Mae, it’s okay.”
She pulled away, shaking her head. “I…snuck out. Mommy will be mad I snuck out…without telling her. And…” Her little chest heaved in more sobs, and tears made clean paths down her dirty cheeks. “I was getting the eggs…for Mommy…but I fell down…and they all broke!” She cried even harder.
Jake pulled her away from the mess. “Don’t cry, Sunshine. Grampa will fix it.”
“How?” she wept.
“Look—here comes Outlaw.” He nodded toward a mangy, stray dog that the kids had adopted as their own when he’d started hanging around. The animal seemed to be a homeless loner who came and went as he pleased, pretty much like Jake himself had been at one time. Little Jake named him Outlaw because that’s what his grampa was once. It seemed like every animal on the J&L was named Outlaw, including his favorite horse.
Little Jake actually acts like he’s proud I was once an outlaw, Jake had complained once to Brian.
I’m afraid he is proud of it, Brian had answered facetiously.
“I’ll bet Outlaw hasn’t eaten yet,” Jake told Sadie Mae aloud.
“Mommy says if we let the dog eat eggs…he’ll start getting into the chicken coop…and steal them,” Sadie Mae warned through tears.
“Well, Outlaw has to eat too, right? Let’s take the chance.” He whistled to the dog, and the black-and-white mutt came running. “Eat up, boy!”
The Last Outlaw Page 14
