After everyone left, Gavin came over and sat down in the open lounger. Since I can’t really do much talking, I just sit there and wait for him to say something.
“I’m fucked up, man,” he says in a low voice.
I make a noise in my throat and point to myself, moving my hand up and down my body as I shrug my shoulders.
“Yeah, I know you are fucked up. You’ve always been fucked up,” he says with a laugh.
“Seriously, though. I have this steel wall up, and I won’t let anyone through it. I jump to conclusions of distrust when there’s no cause for it.” He pauses. “I hurt Alyse’s friend tonight. It’s like I want to sabotage any chance of anyone trying to get close.”
“Who?” I grunt.
“Willow. She kept looking at me all night. Her eyes seemed to see right into my soul. It made me feel uncomfortable. The moment she flew through that door, I couldn’t stop looking at her. But then her soft glances morphed in my mind as judgement. Like she could see my internal struggle. The first opportunity I got for her to be alone, I said some things I shouldn’t have. I just wanted her to stop looking at me. Then I felt like I had lost something of value. I wanted her to look at me and she wouldn’t. How fucked up is that?” he says.
“Fucked up.” I say, shaking my head.
“Yeah, I know. What’s even more fucked up is I’m asking advice from a fucking blind mute,” he says, holding out his fist.
I see the shadow of his fist and laugh as I bump it with mine. “You have a way with words,” I whisper.
My voice is getting better, but it still feels like every time my voice box moves I’m rubbing sand paper together. I take a swig of the bottle of water in my hand. What I wouldn’t give for a beer.
“Yeah, I know and obviously, tonight I used the wrong ones. My first instinct was to throw up ugly in order for her to back off. I’m no good for anyone right now. I need to find a purpose. I can’t help the gut feeling that I royally shot myself in the foot.”
We sit in silence, both reflecting our own individual thoughts, until Alyse comes out and summons me to bed.
I missed out on putting K.C. down for the night. Although as soon as he crawled up on the lounger with me, it didn’t take him long to crash. So technically, I did put him to sleep.
Gavin helps lock up the house and retires to one of the spare bedrooms on the other side of the house. Alyse tells me that there are two rooms still empty. Plus, the full basement is ready for me to make into a man cave once I’m fully on my feet. I smile at the thoughts of what I want to do with it. I hear Alyse giggle.
“I can see the wheels turning. Good lord, I can only image what you have planned,” she says, crawling in and under the covers.
I crawl into the side where my injuries to my side are away from her so she can snuggle in. I wish I could make love to her, but I’m afraid all the pent-up energy would cause me to hurt myself more.
Feeling her body against mine only makes me harder. I palm myself through my boxers and try to think of something else.
“I’ve missed having you in our bed,” she purrs.
I feel her lips against my shoulder, and I squeeze my eyes shut. She’s not helping matters.
Her soft hand runs down my chest, over my stomach, reaching under my boxer and taking me into her small hand. I let out a groan as she slowly starts stroking me.
“I don’t want you to hurt yourself, but I need to touch you. Is this okay? Will it hurt if I make you come? I want to feel you come,” she whispers as she lays soft kisses across my shoulder and chest.
I let out a growl and a “Don’t stop.”
It doesn’t take long for me to find my release. Alyse cleans me up and snuggles back down into my side.
“You?” I ask.
“Believe me, I’m good. Sometimes just knowing I made you feel good is enough to hold me over.”
♦♦♦
I’m getting stronger. My ribs hurt less every day. I’m still not cleared to drive, but the light doesn’t hurt my eyes as much. Things are still in a bit of a haze, and sometimes I get hit with spots.
My throat is better, too. They think that the damage to my voice box may be permanent, but I can talk. It’s just rougher and deeper than it used to be. I’m finally able to eat solids.
The day I got the all clear was the day I stopped at the meat market on the way home and purchase some thick ribeye steaks. Go big or go home.
Gavin is still here. We’ve had some good talks. He took Bryce’s advice and went to talk with his and Emma’s therapist. It’s nice having him around. We’ve kept ourselves busy with setting up the basement. Even though Alyse joked about it being a man cave, I still want it to be comfortable for her.
We sectioned off a corner and boxed it in with drywall, separating it off from the rest of the expansive room. I equipped it with some workout equipment and a punching bag.
We then designed and built a full bar. Fully stocked it and even installed a kegerator. I also installed a wine fridge for Alyse.
I thought about K.C. and what he would enjoy as he grew up, so I installed a projector instead of a TV. There’s one full wall that is almost like a movie screen. Topped off with a large U-shaped sectional with reclining seats, and you have a comfy place to watch movies and sports, of course.
It’s almost complete, and I’m worried now what to do. I can see Gavin’s demeanour start to change as well.
After dinner one night, the two of us were sitting out on the back deck drinking a few beers. Gavin suddenly stands and starts pacing.
“I got to go, Kaden. I really appreciate all that you have done for me, but I need to do something. I need to find myself. Dr. Ashburn suggested I go back to school, but I don’t think I could concentrate and sit in a chair all day. I need to be moving. There’s a Muay Thai training camp in Thailand that I thought about joining. It’s only for twenty-eight days, but it sounds like something I can focus on – instead of her.” He says the last part under his breath.
“Sounds to me like your running. Doesn’t sound like something you would do, brother,” I say, sitting up and moving down the end of the lounger.
“When did you become Confucius? I don’t know what else to do. My mind won’t stop. The pain won’t stop. The guilt – it won’t stop, Kaden,” he says, leaning his elbows on the rail and covering his head with his hands.
“Lost Tara because of this shit. I broke her, man. What kind of a man purposely hurts another human being? A woman that I thought I loved, no less. I’m still not in a good place. The hurt and pain that was in Willow’s eyes hasn’t left me. Knowing it was because of me – fuck,” he says, pounding his fist against his temple.
“Hey!” I yell, standing and walking over to him. “Get out of your head, man. I am not Confucius. I am not one to even know how to help you. But what I’m seeing is self-destruction. Putting all the blame on yourself. That’s too big of a burden to carry alone.”
I’m freaking out with worry. I don’t know what to do, but I sure in hell don’t want to stand by and let him do something that could hurt himself.
I lower my voice and say, “I can’t lose you, man. I just got you back. If you need to go away for a month to try to center yourself, do it. I don’t have the answers, but I really don’t think fighting will help you right now. If it helps get out some aggression, go for it. I understand about finding purpose. I feel the same. Right now, my purpose is Alyse and K.C. What I’m looking for is direction. What’s my next step in life? I have no clue. I thought I was going to retire military. So, I get the frustration and the feeling of being lost. I’m here for you, now and always. We both will get through it. Just promise me if you ever feel like you may want to hurt yourself, please call me? Please?”
“I’m not going to do anything, brother. I have redemption that I need to pay. I don’t know how, but I will get there. I’m not going to give up. I’m not a quitter. I’m just down right now,” he says, reaching out and giving me a hug.
&nbs
p; I want to believe him. I heard of guys coming back from this life and not having the support they need. They don’t see any other way out, so they give up. I don’t want that for him. I need to enforce that I’m here and will always be here for him.
Hell, I know Rigs and Bryce feel the same. I need them here, too, to talk to him before he leaves.
Chapter Twenty-six
Alyse
Kaden is worried about Gavin. He’s been tossing and turning the past few nights, and I can’t do anything to help him. Gavin is adamant to leave and try to center himself. I don’t understand it. I think you need to be around people who care about you to help. Going at it alone only can cause more stress, at least I think.
I honestly don’t know how I would have survived if I didn’t have Willow, Kat, and Britany. They all contributed in some way and got me through some tough times. I know that my grandparents would have stepped up somehow, but I would have felt guilty about it.
Willow has snuck over to get K.C.; they always spend the day together when she has off. She doesn’t stick around, though, so I miss her. She refuses to be around Gavin.
I think Gavin is affected by her, though. He’s tries to casually stroll through the house when she drops K.C. back off. She just gives me a quick hug and runs out the door. Then Gavin goes to the deck and sulks the rest of the night.
I want to tell him that it’s all his fault, but I can’t rub salt in the wound.
I’ve told Willow about it, but she just responds, “Don’t care.” I know she does, though. I see how she looks at him. Kaden tells me not to get involved, but I see something. The whole fate thing keeps coming to mind. I’m trying not to meddle. I just want to see them in a room again together.
I want to plan a going away party for Gavin. I’m planning it on a night that Willow has off. I’m not going to tell her, but I’m going to try to guilt her into staying after she drops K.C. off. Yes, I can be devious if I need to be.
♦♦♦
Kaden, Rigs, Bryce, and Gavin are out on the back deck. I can tell they are in a serious conversation. Kaden is shaking his head, and Gavin is doing his usual pacing.
I’ve picked up on some of Gavin’s characteristics since he’s been staying with us. He paces when he’s frustrated.
Willow walks in with K.C. and stops in her tracks, “What’s going on?”
“Just a little going away party. The guys are outside doing guy things. Stay a little bit. Get something to drink and eat,” I say as I take K.C. from her arms. “Did you have fun with Auntie Willow?”
“Wait, why didn’t you tell me? I was just here dropping him off. You could have told me. Damn it, Alyse. You’re setting me up, aren’t you?” she says, looking out to the deck.
She throws her hands up and starts walking away.
“Willow, stop,” I beg.
“I love you, Alyse. But right now, I don’t like you very much. So uncool,” she says, rushing out of the door.
I see Gavin rush through the French doors and fly out of the front door. Emma, Rig’s wife, Lisa, and I rush to the front window.
Jessica comes over and takes K.C. “Adult drama. So much to look forward, too,” she deadpans.
We watch as Willow stops and spins around, shoving her finger into Gavin’s chest. We can’t hear what she is saying, but I can see the spit literally fly from her mouth. Gavin puts his hands on his hips and tucks his head as Willow spins back around, gets into her car, and spins out of the driveway.
He starts turning around, so we scurry back into the kitchen and act like we weren’t just spying on them.
“Alyse, can I talk to you?” Gavin says once he gets back into the house.
I follow him back out to the front porch and close the door.
“How much did you see?” he says, caulking his head and making a knowing face.
“Saw it all, but heard nothing,” I say, shrugging my shoulders unable to lie.
“She hates me. I get that. I can’t give her anything. Not now at least. I can’t stop thinking about her, though. I don’t want to ruin all my chances in the case that I get my shit together. I can’t explain it, but I don’t want her to hate me,” he says. I see the pain in his eyes.
“I’ve known Willow for a long time. She’s been hurt, Gavin. She goes off of first impressions, and I’ve never seen her change her opinion. Once she feels someone has fucked up, she’s done….” I trail off.
“However,” I say, touching his arm. “I’m not saying this to give you any hope because you have some major ass kissing to do in your future…but I know her, Gavin. She was hurt. Really bad. That means something. She didn’t even know you, and you hurt her. She is one to fire back and stand her ground, but you made her crumble.
“I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, but to make you think. She is a fighter and respects someone who will stand up and fight for her. I will also say, don’t go into this lightly. If you don’t think anything will come from it, don’t you dare even try. If you hurt her, I swear, I don’t care who you are to Kaden. You will be dead to me.” I cross my arms across my chest.
“Understood,” he says and walks away without another word.
The rest of the evening goes smoothly. There are laughs and stories that are shared. I’m feeling like I’m getting to know these guys more. I can’t believe the amount of brotherhood that they share. I never looked at guys having such a bond. I always just thought of them being so casual, but they are human and have hearts and feelings. I just never thought they would be more like women when they got together. The bond is real and tangible.
We end up setting up blow up mattresses in the other empty bedrooms. We are all pretty drunk, except for Emma who is nearly about to give birth.
Jessica insists on camping out in K.C.’s room. She is going to make a great mom one day.
I love that I can take a break from being a mom and get a little stupid with the girls. Jessica is only twelve, but she seems so much older. I trust her. The mom in me slows down with the drinking, though. I don’t want to be so incapacitated that I can’t react if something should happen.
As they guys keep to the outside deck, the girls keep to the kitchen. Lisa leans over and says, “You two are so sweet together. I don’t mean to pry, but I’m in need of a good wedding. Any plans?”
I shrug my shoulders and respond, “We haven’t talked about it, but it’s what I think we both want. I’m thinking about proposing. Is that weird? I mean, I’m not conventional by any means. I always thought that I would be swept off my feet and have some special proposal. However, I’m a realist. I think it would be cool to be the one to do it. Kaden isn’t exactly good with words and can be a little awkward, but he’s also a man. I don’t want to cross any lines and make him feel like less of one.”
“Bring it up. If he doesn’t step up, do it. I don’t see anything wrong with it,” Emma says.
The guys end up having to carry Gavin to his room. They are carrying him by his arms and legs as they are all laughing. The girls and I all just cry laughing as we watch these big strong men struggle to carry Gavin, who is laughing and struggling to break free.
In all the time his been here, I’ve never seen him so free. His face is flush as he laughs straight from his gut. You would have to be dead inside if you didn’t react to the amount of laughter that consumed the house.
As Kaden and I finally laid down in bed, I rolled into him and let out a sigh. “He’s going to be okay, Kaden.”
“I wasn’t sure, but after tonight – yeah, he’s going to be okay. It’s not going to be an easy road, but he’s going to be fine. We stressed how he needs to keep in touch, and the guys and me have a plan to put together a schedule to reach out to him in intervals. We don’t want to be imposing, but we all vow to not let him go at this alone. We’ve all tried to go at it alone, but after tonight, I think we all realize the power of our bond is stronger,” he says.
“I want to get married,” I blurt out.
There’s a
pause of silence, so I nervously lean up and look to see if he suddenly fell asleep.
His eyes are closed, but I see one come open and feel a rumble of laughter roll through his chest.
“You always seem to surprise me. I wanted to surprise you for once. Dammit, girl.” He smiles big.
I shift my head and give him a questionable look. “I’m sorry?”
He pushes me down with a full palm to my face and rolls out of bed. I quickly sit up and watch as he goes to his dresser and opens a drawer. Pulling something out, he turns around with the biggest smile.
Broken Ties (The Broken Brother Series Book 2) Page 13
