He leaned back against the railing next to me. “It’s okay to lose it every once in a while.”
“Every once in a while is more like every day right about now, and I don’t want you seeing it.” I took a deep breath to stop any more stupidity from leaking out of my mouth. The freezing air burned in my lungs, but it felt good.
“I don’t mind.”
I gave up examining the grain of the railing and lifted my head to meet his dark, understanding gaze. “Don’t you get it? I mind, Josh! That’s why I told you to stay away, to give me space and time to sort this shit out!” Deep breath. I had to stop yelling or he’d really think I was a nutcase. Instead, I started laughing, only solidifying my insanity. “Man, I never used to yell, and now it’s all I do.”
He reached out and ran his hand down my back, and I hated how delicious it felt. I jerked away from the touch and didn’t miss the wounded look that crossed his eyes. “You can’t be here. You can’t see me like this, because if you do, it’s all I’ll think about when it comes to us. You can’t save me all the time.”
He crossed his arms in front of him, his breath visible in the freezing air. “For fuck’s sake, December! You’re carrying everyone in that damn house! Someone has to carry you. I can’t just watch you suffer and do nothing.”
“Stop watching! I told you not to come here! I told you to stay away, and you’re everywhere! You’re at hockey with Gus, and in my class, and you’re . . . you’re . . . just everywhere!” I couldn’t let him see this. I couldn’t be this weak, this insane. The man had watched me set a fire in my kitchen sink. Crap. Shit. Fuck.
“December.”
“Go.”
I didn’t have to tell him twice. He sighed, shook his head, and walked away. The only sound I heard from his retreat was the door sliding open and shut. I slumped against the railing, using the ice to cool my flushed cheeks.
The door slid open again, and I nearly screamed in frustration. “I asked him to come.” Gus laid his head on the railing, turning those trusting eyes on me.
“Why? How?”
“I have his phone number, duh.” He seemed so much older than he was. “Mom was mad. It’s better than sad, I know, but still. April called you, so I called Coach Walker. He told me I could whenever I wanted to.”
Well. Crap. I stood and took him into my arms. “Sorry I yelled, buddy. Things are just complicated right now.”
He burrowed into me. “Because Daddy’s gone? Or because Riley isn’t your boyfriend anymore?”
I kissed the top of his head. “Both, little man.”
“You hate the army that much?”
I squeezed him tighter. “No. I don’t hate the army. I just don’t want anyone I love in it anymore.” I couldn’t lose another person I loved.
“The fire was cool.”
Leave it to a seven-year-old to catch the basics. “Yeah, but don’t do that, okay? I gotta go back to school. I have a class later.”
He nodded. “Can you take me, too? I don’t want to be here. It’s sad here.”
Pain rushed through my chest, but no tears came. Maybe I was finally past the point of crying.
Twenty minutes later, I had Gus and April dropped off at school and was headed back to the apartment. I didn’t want to be the person I was at home. I didn’t want to feel responsible for everyone. I wanted to be selfish, to sleep until ten and skip class, to focus on the weekend party schedule instead of the pee-wee hockey schedule. Just being twenty would be nice.
But I wasn’t just twenty anymore.
I hauled my bag out of my car, cursing when I snagged a pocket on the gearshift. Would freaking anything go right today? I took the stairs to the fourth floor, needing to burn off some of the salted caramel mocha.
I reached our door and fumbled with the key. My fingers were still half numb from riding without the heat, but I wanted it cold. It slipped from my hand, hitting the carpet. I rested my forehead against the door and closed my eyes for a moment to keep from cursing at the lock. Like it was the damned problem.
I bent and picked it up, then slid it home, opening the door with a twist. Before I stepped through, a familiar frame filled my vision. Josh stepped off the elevator and headed toward me. My impulse was to run, jump, and kiss an apology into his mouth. I craved his hands on my skin, his mouth on mine. He had the power to make me forget for just a minute.
Which was why I couldn’t. I wouldn’t use him that way.
But what the hell was he doing here? Again?
“Josh, seriously?”
He glanced up from the messenger bag he was looking into and an incredulous look crossed his face. “Seriously, what?”
The guy was so aggravating. “You can’t just follow me from my house to my apartment! I told you I need some damned time!”
He laughed, full-out, making me doubt his sanity. At least mine wasn’t in jeopardy at the moment. He shook his head and walked toward me . . . and past me, stopping at the next door and slipping a key into the lock.
“Nice to meet you, neighbor.” He gave me a mock salute, then opened and closed the door behind him, leaving me standing in the hallway like a moron. Crap.
“Ember? Is that you?” Sam called out from inside our apartment.
I walked in, dropping my bag in the front hall, and plopped down into the massive arm chair. She put down her laptop and watched me. “Chicky? What the hell is wrong with you?”
I shook my head. “Oh, I’m a hormonal, self-involved wench. You?”
She tossed her pint of Ben & Jerry’s at me and I devoured it without checking the calories on the label.
Chapter Ten
Awkward. That was the only way to describe what it felt like to sit next to Josh Walker when he wasn’t talking to me. It didn’t matter that I didn’t want him to talk to me. Right?
His gaze burned into me, but when I turned my head to catch him, he was staring back at the professor. By Friday evening, I was ready to eat myself alive with guilt.
I’d been a total bitch. The guy came when my little brother called, which pretty much elevated him to godlike status in the guy department, and he couldn’t help that we’d moved in next door. Turns out he’d been living there two freaking years. If I could have disappeared through the floor in utter embarrassment, I would have.
“Hey, you there?” Sam caught me staring off into space in the general direction of the Dave Matthews poster in the living room.
“Yeah, I’m just distracted.”
She pulled her robe snug around her body and adjusted her towel turban. “The girls and I are headed out in a couple hours. Why don’t you come? You could use some rebound action.”
I surveyed the mountain of school work on the coffee table in front of me. “I wish.” Well, not the rebound, but the rest. “I could really use a drink, but Gus has practice early tomorrow and I told Mom I’d take him.”
“Did she ask you to?”
“No, I offered.” When she remained silent, I looked up from my childhood education text. “What?”
“It’s been a month, Ember.”
Like I needed someone to tell me how long it had been since I’d lost my dad. One month, two days, and eleven and a half hours since notification. “Yeah? And? She needs help.”
“I’m not saying she doesn’t. Look, I really admire what you’ve done. You’ve given up a hell of a lot more than any other kid would. I’m just saying maybe it’s time to trust her a little more. Maybe you could start waiting for her to ask, instead of assuming she can’t handle it all.”
“You don’t understand.”
She sat next to me and pulled my hand off my notebook, holding it in hers. “You’re right. I don’t. No one really does. But I’ve seen your mom in action, through both of these last deployments, and in Kansas, too. She’s tough. Just make sure you’re not selling her short. Besides, isn’t your Grams still watching out for her?”
“Yeah, she keeps saying she’s leaving soon, but it’s like she’s waiting for
something, some green light that we’re okay. I’m just thankful she’s still here, otherwise I think I would have moved back home.” I smiled, realizing what Grams had saved me from. “Besides, Grams knows nothing about hockey.”
A wicked smile sprung onto Sam’s face. “Maybe Josh is the reason you wanted to take Gus?”
Blood rushed to my cheeks. “I have to apologize to him.”
“Then go apologize.” She stood up and toweled off her hair. “Girl, the guy lives next door. Get your ass over there and say you’re sorry. I have to go get my sexy on.” She sashayed into her bedroom. Not like Sam needed any help in that department, but I knew whatever getup she’d choose would accentuate every asset the girl had.
I glanced at the clock: 7:15 p.m. The nervous pit in my stomach told me I was really going to do this. I put down my books and got my butt off the couch. Was I really going over there in jeans and a zip-up hoodie? Yup. It wasn’t like I was trying to impress him, right? This sent the appropriate stay-away message. Plus, I hadn’t put on makeup or shaved my legs. Who the hell would shave their legs for an apology?
Before I lost my nerve, I slipped out of our apartment, barefoot, and walked next door to his. Three knocks later, I held my breath and waited to make an ass out of myself again.
The door opened, and a lean, extremely hot blond guy answered. “Hello there,” he drawled as his eyes drifted over me appreciatively.
“Hi, I’m Ember, your neighbor?”
A very sexy smile lit up his face. “Hello, Ember, my neighbor.”
“Yeah.” I peeked around him. “Does Josh happen to be here?”
His face fell. “Ah, shit. Did he already call dibs? You don’t really look like the Josh type.”
I arched my eyebrow at him, and he stuttered, “You’re hot as hell, he just usually goes for the . . .”
“Barbies?” I was well aware of what “type” Josh went for.
“Exactly.” He opened the door, making room for me to slide past him into a hallway that mirrored our own layout. “Walker! You got company!” He turned back to me. “Just in case he isn’t what you’re looking for . . .” He flashed a killer smile. “My name’s Jagger.”
I tried to ignore that he was hitting on me. He was really good at it. “It’s nice to meet you, Jagger.”
“Oh, it’s my pleasure.” He held his tongue between his teeth, flashing a tongue ring.
“Jagger, back the fuck up off Ember.”
My breath stopped, and then expelled in one huge rush.
Josh leaned against the wall, one ankle crossed. A pair of gray flannel pants hung low on his hips. One tug was all it would take. One tug.
My mouth dropped open before I could close it. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. All that soft, inked skin draped across those muscles, and God, I remembered how it tasted. The thought of tasting it again had more than a spark raging through my thighs. Just being in the room with him turned me on in a way that had me seriously considering Sam’s suggestion of a rebound.
“And another one bites the dust,” Jagger muttered and left us alone in the entryway.
Josh didn’t budge, waiting on me to make the first move. I didn’t blame him since my signals blew so hot and cold. The guy never knew what he was in for.
I closed the gap between us, until I was close enough that I had to lean my head back to look in his eyes. Close enough that I caught the faint scent of sandalwood coming off him. I stood there, staring up while he held my gaze, unable to say what I needed to. How could I explain what I didn’t understand? Those brown eyes burned right through me with an intensity I couldn’t fathom, but wanted more of.
He reached out, cupping my face in one hand. “December?”
I stayed silent, not trusting my mouth. After all, what my mouth wanted betrayed what my head was preaching. My heartbeat sped up and my breath caught. I leaned into his palm, turning slightly to catch more of his incredible scent. Little droplets of water clung to his skin. He was straight out of the shower.
Fuck. I wanted him. I wanted him over me, weighting my body into a bed, a couch, a freaking kitchen counter. I needed this man. Not anyone else, just Josh.
I attacked, bringing his head, his lips to mine. There was no preamble, no gentle request this time. We met in a fury of open lips, both ready for the other. I sucked his tongue into my mouth. He growled. His hands sank down my back, skimming my ass before he gripped it and pulled me against him. He spun and pinned me to the wall.
Yes. This was what I wanted.
My fingers gripped his wet hair, desperate to bring him closer. He tasted like strawberry ice cream, and my brain sent hot images of me dripping it onto his stomach and licking it off. I couldn’t help the moan that escaped into his mouth any more than I could stop the movement of my hips against him.
Those hot flannel pants hid nothing on this man.
He released my mouth, only to run his tongue down my throat. I let go of his head to unzip my hoodie. He lifted me higher, the muscles of his arms bulging, the tattoo rippling with his movements, and brought his mouth to my collarbone. The back of my head hit the wall as I arched my neck, rattling a few of the pictures on the wall. From the higher angle, I looked down on him, watching him take nips at my skin and then soothe with a soft kiss. When he looked back up at me, his eyes were so dark I could barely make out his pupils. He wanted me.
Good to know we were on the same page. I cupped his face with my hands, reveling in the softness of his freshly shaven skin. “Josh,” I whispered.
His eyes widened, and I sank further into them, if that was even possible. He lowered me, rubbing my body against his in a delicious friction that made me want to shove his pants off with my feet. He conquered my mouth, stealing away all of my thoughts.
Kissing him was so fucking addictive. He changed pace, sped it up, mellowed it out, but kept me wondering what he was doing next. He gave me control and then took it back. Josh robbed me of every logical thought in my head except the quickest way to get him out of those clothes. I wanted to see where the lines in his abs headed. My hands slid down his chest, tracing along his stomach until I reached his pants. I skimmed under the elastic, needing to get my hands on him, to feel that soft skin under my fingertips.
He groaned against my mouth, which was the sexiest sound I’d heard since he’d made the same one in Breckenridge. “December.” He panted against my mouth, resting his forehead against mine. “I’m fucking desperate to carry you to my bedroom, but I don’t think this is what you want.”
Wait. What did I want?
Oh my God. I’d basically assaulted him in his hallway. After I’d told him repeatedly to slow it down. What the hell was wrong with me?
I covered my face with my hands. “What am I doing?”
He gently pulled my hands away. “What are you doing?” His eyes had changed from lustful to compassionate. I couldn’t battle this Josh.
“I came to say I’m sorry for the way I’ve been treating you. Sorry for the mixed signals.” I laughed. “But apparently I jumped you instead, and now I’m sorry for that, too.”
“Sorry for jumping me?” His grin sent another hum through my stomach.
I lost all pretense. “No. I’m not sorry for jumping you. I’m sorry about my god-awful timing.”
His grin faltered. He stroked his thumb over my lips. “I told you I’m here for whatever you need, Ember. Jumping, apologies, whatever.”
Whatever. I needed him, but was too frightened of what that meant to acknowledge it, because more than anything, I needed myself. Why did it always feel like the part of me I needed was buried inside Josh?
“I’d better get back to studying.” My excuse sounded lame even to my ears.
He stepped back. “I’d better get in the shower.”
“Didn’t you just…?”
His eyes sparkled with intensity, and I had to control every muscle to keep from diving for him and his offer of the bedroom. “Yeah, but I think I need another one at a different temperat
ure.”
Josh Walker was taking a cold shower for me? Maybe I could jump in behind him and warm up the water . . . “Oh. I’m sorry about that, too.” Not really.
A slow, sexy smile spread across his face. “I’m not.” He backed me into the wall again and leaned down, hovering right above my mouth. I was not going to give in again; I wasn’t strong enough to step away twice, and I wasn’t ready for a relationship. “If you apologize like that, feel free to treat me like shit any time you want. I will be your personal doormat.”
He pressed a soft kiss to my lips.
“I have to go.” I breathed unevenly. I had to get away . . . before I didn’t.
He opened the door for me and watched until I was walking into my apartment. “Hey, December?”
I didn’t want to turn around. I didn’t want to see his half-naked body on display, or the lines of the tattoo I craved to trace with my tongue. “Yeah?”
“I hope you sleep better than I do.”
The change in topics threw me. “You’re not sleeping?”
He slowly shook his head. “Knowing my bedroom backs up to yours, that you’re only a wall away, lying in bed, makes that pretty fucking impossible.”
Every muscle in my body loosened, tingles of energy rushing through me. Could a girl orgasm from words? A charged silence passed between us.
“’Night.”
It was my turn to stare until he shut the door behind him. I stumbled into our apartment, shutting the door behind me, then sinking to the floor. Sam popped around the corner, her hair styled and makeup half done. “Did you apologize?”
I could have denied what had happened, but if I was going to choose a friend to trust, then Sam was the perfect candidate. She’d never betrayed me once in our five years of friendship. “If by apologize, you mean nearly swallowing his tongue and debating if I should remove his pants with my hands or teeth?”
“Nuh-uh!” She pulled me off the floor and wrapped her arm around me. “Oh, girl, you’d better dish.” She plopped me down on her bed and went back to the vanity, watching my reflection as she expertly applied her makeup.
“I’m not even sure what to say.”
Full Measures Page 11
