“Test?”
“She gave me a few exercises, tests—whatever you want to call them—to complete. The first one was leaving my engagement ring at home. I was still wearing it these past five years. I managed to pass that test. The second was actually getting on the plane and coming here. The third was to visit a few places I’d been to with Mark. But the final and most important test, which I’m still not sure I can go through with, is . . .” My voice trails off.
Jack puts his arms around my shoulders and whispers, “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“It’s just hard for me to even say the words.” Sighing deeply, I continue. “She wants me to take the bus that goes over the Brenner Pass en route to Italy. It’s the same route that Mark and I took when he was killed. My psychiatrist thinks that’s the only way I’ll get closure—to relive those moments before the crash. It’s crazy, isn’t it?”
I’m desperately hoping Jack will agree with me.
“It seems crazy when you first hear it. After all, who would want to relive that horror? But eventually, when you’re stronger, you’d be surprised at how much it can help, Bianca. I visited the site of Jennifer’s crash. And while I wasn’t in the car with her and Christopher, just seeing where it happened brought some closure for me. But I know your situation was different since you were in the bus during the accident. You saw Mark die in front of you.”
I begin crying again. “I didn’t actually see him die. I was unconscious after the crash and didn’t wake up until I was at the hospital. The doctors had tried to save Mark, but he was pronounced dead about an hour after he was brought to the emergency room. The intellectual side of me knows I need to do this, but my heart is screaming no. I don’t think I can take feeling that pain again.”
“It will be hard, Bianca. I’m not going to gloss over that. But I think you’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Ultimately, the decision is up to you. If you do decide to go through with it, I can come with you, if you’d like.”
“You’d do that?”
“Of course. It always helps having someone by your side when you need to do something this difficult.”
“Did you have someone with you when you visited Jennifer’s crash site?”
“Jennifer’s parents. Christopher and I were visiting them in Vermont, about two years after the accident. They hadn’t seen where she’d died and wanted to place a small cross at the site. They were planning to go on their own, but then I decided I needed to go as well. I’m glad we were together. It helped tremendously.”
The intermission is over and the choir takes the stage once again.
Jack leans over and whispers into my ear, “Think about my offer. I’m here for you, Bianca.”
We turn our attention to the choir. Christopher is now center stage and singing “Silent Night,” which happens to have been Mark’s favorite Christmas carol. I feel a breeze blow through my hair, and I turn around in all directions, trying to see if Mark’s ghost is somewhere near; I’ve come to recognize the signs that precede his visits. But he’s nowhere in sight. Closing my eyes, I let the lyrics of “Silent Night” soothe me. For the first time, I feel some of my burden has been lifted in telling Jack about Mark. Is he right? Am I strong enough to take the bus ride through the Brenner Pass?
Chapter 15
I wake up late on Christmas morning. Looking at my watch, I see it’s twenty past eleven—too late to have breakfast delivered to my room. I’ll just ask for coffee to be brought up, and as soon as I’m ready, I’ll venture out to see what restaurants are open for lunch. I’m sure the pickings will be slim because of the holiday.
Once room service arrives with my coffee, I plop back down in bed and take my time sipping it. I’m feeling absolutely lazy, and since I have no plans for the day, I can lounge around. Christmas Eve was nice. I shake my head, thinking about all that Jack did for me to make my birthday special, from inviting me to the Alpenzoo to taking me to dinner at one of the fanciest restaurants in Innsbruck, and then watching Christopher perform during midnight mass. After the service was over, Jack and Christopher escorted me home. Jack gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me he would call me today, even though I told him I would understand if he didn’t; it was Christmas, after all, and he’d be busy celebrating with Christopher. But he just smiled and walked away.
There’s a soft knock on my door. I yell, “Coming,” as I hurry out of bed. Grabbing my silk robe from the closet, I slip into it before opening the door.
“Merry Christmas!”
“Jack! What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with Christopher?”
“Actually, we had our Christmas celebration this morning. Of course he got me up at the crack of dawn so he could see what Santa brought him. Then I cooked brunch. Every year, we have Christmas dinner with the parents of Christopher’s best friend. They’ve become like a second family to us here. I decided to bow out this year, but I wouldn’t dream of letting Christopher miss it. So he’ll be there the rest of the day and night. He’s sleeping over. Anyway, I figured no one should be alone on Christmas, so if you’re not sick of me yet, how about hanging out with me?”
Jack gives me a sheepish grin, his eyes holding an expectant look. I’d noticed before he’s a handsome man, but suddenly, I’m realizing just how good-looking he is, especially when he gets nervous and smiles the way he’s smiling now.
I laugh. “Sure, why not? I’d love to hang out with you. But I’ll need some time to get ready. As you can see, I woke up late.”
Jack glances at my robe, and then his eyes grow heavy as they travel lazily down my body. I suddenly regret drawing attention to my bed attire. His eyes have now rested on my chest. Glancing down, I see that in my haste to answer the door, I forgot to tie my robe. My chemise’s plunging neckline is giving Jack an ample view of my cleavage. But I can’t wrap my robe around myself now because Jack will know I’ve seen him checking me out.
Instead, I turn my back to him and nonchalantly say, “You can make yourself comfortable while I get ready, or if you’d rather wait in the lobby. I promise I’ll be no more than fifteen minutes.”
“Fifteen? I’ve never known a woman to get ready that fast.”
“I’ve always hated taking long showers, and with the early hours I put in at the vet clinic, I value my sleep more than my beauty.” I glance over my shoulder at Jack, who’s stepped into my room but is still staring at me. This time his gaze is fixated on my legs.
“On second thought, I think I will wait in the lobby. I just remembered I need to go over some things with the manager who’s on call today. You can take longer than fifteen minutes. Don’t rush on my account.” And with that, Jack hurries out of the room.
The tingling warmth I felt as Jack looked at my body is still with me. I don’t know what I was thinking, inviting him to wait for me in my room. But that’s just it: I wasn’t thinking. Could it be that subconsciously I was hoping Jack would kiss me again?
Shaking these thoughts from my head, I jump into the shower. I haven’t felt this longing since Mark. I miss having someone to confide in, to hold me, to love me.
I decide to take an extra ten minutes and apply some eye shadow, as well as put my hair up into a slightly tousled chignon. And in keeping with the holiday, I wear black velvet jeans with a gorgeous deep red, off-shoulder sweater I couldn’t resist buying in town yesterday when I bought the outfit I wore to dinner last night. I had opted for a body-hugging knit dress in emerald green, which contrasted nicely against my dark hair. Although Jack had told me he didn’t expect me to wear a dress in this cold weather, I’d bought a pair of wool tights to keep me warm. Jack had taken in my appearance appreciatively when he picked me up for our date but was able to muster more control than he had earlier. This morning, I felt as if he were completely undressing me with his eyes.
Taking one last look in the mirror before I leave, I head downstairs to meet Jack, wondering what he has in store for us.
We’re in Jack’s car, heading ever higher up a mountain. The roads leading here were mostly deserted. Everyone has probably already arrived wherever they’re celebrating their Christmas. I soon drift off to sleep.
I’m awakened by a gentle nudge.
“Bianca. We’re here.”
Rubbing my eyes, I look outside my car window and see a beautiful Swiss chalet cabin. Then I notice there are other similar-styled cabins spread out along the top of the mountain.
“Where are we?”
“The hotel also rents out these cabins. I thought it would be fun to have our Christmas dinner here rather than at a restaurant.”
My pulse races. I’m a bit nervous to be spending all this time alone with Jack. But I can see he’s gone to so much trouble. He’s unloading the trunk of the car. Of course, he’s come prepared. I make my way to the back of the car and help him unload all the groceries he’s bought.
“Wow! Look at all these groceries. How long do you plan on keeping me up here?” I keep my tone light, making jokes to conceal my anxiety.
“Well, it is Christmas. I have to cook you a grand feast.”
“Oh, Jack, you shouldn’t be going to all this trouble, especially since you cooked brunch for Christopher earlier. Do you really want to do all this cooking on Christmas? It’s a holiday. You should be relaxing.”
“Cooking is how I relax. I love it, so stop worrying.”
“Well, let me help you at least. Cooking is one of my passions too, although I haven’t been keeping up with it lately.”
My love of cooking was another pastime I had let fall by the wayside after Mark died. I was also an avid reader, but I can’t remember when I last picked up a book.
“Really? We’ll have to see who’s the better cook!”
“Are you challenging me, Mr. Gruner?”
“We can have our own Iron Chefs competition.”
We carry the groceries over to the chalet. Jack plops his down on the ground and fishes a key out of his jeans pocket.
“Whew! For a second, I was afraid I’d forgotten the key. Can you imagine making that trek all the way back down the mountain?”
“I would’ve told you to forget about coming back up here.” I laugh.
“And miss this?” Jack holds open the door and gestures at the interior.
I step through the threshold and am taken aback by how beautiful the furnishings are. Instead of featuring a more cozy, quaint Austrian-style decor, the chalet is decorated in an ultramodern, luxurious style. White plush couches adorn the living area. A beautiful fireplace decorated with holly and a wreath featuring white roses hangs from the mantelpiece. To the fireplace’s left, an eight-foot Christmas tree stands. It’s also adorned with white roses and silver ribbons.
“Step into the kitchen.” Jack motions with his head in its direction.
“It’s huge!” My eyes practically pop out of my head as I take in the very spacious kitchen, which looks like a professional chef’s.
“How much does the hotel charge to stay here?”
“A lot.”
“And they had no problem with you using it today?”
“It’s one of the perks of my job. We’re allowed to stay in any of the hotel’s properties, free of charge, as long as they’re available.”
“Nice!”
“I’m glad you like it. I paid one of the teenagers who works at the hotel to decorate it for us. I’m sure you noticed the white roses?”
“I did. I thought that was a coincidence.”
“Well, after the bouquet of white roses I gave you yesterday morning, I thought it’s a safe color, and I figured you must like the color white since your name is Bianca. But I must admit I also had ulterior motives for choosing white. It’s a more neutral-colored rose to give.”
“So you do know about the meanings of different-colored roses?” I laugh. “I thought most guys were oblivious to that sort of thing.”
“Not me. I’m a sucker for sentimentality. And trust me, after my faux pas on our first date, I wasn’t going to commit another one.” Jack’s face suddenly registers that he’s just referred to the first time we had dinner together as a date. “Ugh . . . I mean, the first time we had dinner.”
I walk over to Jack and take his hands in mine. “It’s okay, Jack. It was a date. You knew it. I knew it. That’s probably why you went with the moment and kissed me.”
I meet Jack’s gaze head-on. And before I can change my mind, I lean in and kiss him softly on the lips. Jack kisses me back, and it’s much different from that urgent kiss he gave me on our first date. This one is very gentle. His hands release mine as they wrap around either side of my face. We continue kissing for another minute. Our kissing gradually becomes more intense. I’m about to step back before things get too heated, but Jack beats me to it. He stops kissing me but pulls me into his arms and holds me. We stand there hugging each other, not saying a word.
Finally, Jack pulls away. “I’d better get in the kitchen if we hope to eat today.” He grins. Before he leaves, he kisses me on the head.
I walk over to the Christmas tree and look at the angel perched on top. What am I thinking? I’m due to return home in a few days. Jack lives in Austria. He has a son and a life here. Is this just a Christmas fling? No. It doesn’t feel that way, and Jack doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to just have a meaningless fling. Then what exactly are we doing?
I hear voices outside. Going over to the window, I see a couple laughing as their sled comes to an abrupt stop. Stepping out of the sled, they make their way to one of the cabins in the distance. The man has his arm draped around the woman’s back. I miss feeling that connection to someone else. I miss feeling happy. These past few days with Jack have changed something for me. Dare I say it? I finally have felt joy—an emotion I thought would always be dead to me in the wake of Mark’s death.
I go into the kitchen to help Jack with dinner. I might not know where this is headed, but for today, I don’t care. It’s Christmas, and I just want to enjoy being in Jack’s company.
Chapter 16
The majestic panorama from the Brenner Pass seems more vivid to me now than when I first saw it five years ago. I didn’t realize how much I blocked of that day, but now as I see the beautiful landscape before me, I begin to remember how awed Mark and I were at the scenery. I remember now the monasteries upon monasteries situated at the edge of cliffs . . . the numerous waterfalls cascading down from the mountains . . . the hawks gliding in the sky.
After spending Christmas with Jack, I decided later that night that I would go through with Dr. Pierpont’s final test and take the bus over the Brenner Pass. I asked Jack to accompany me. We had to wait until the end of the week, when he had time off from work. Of course, my anxiety just grew until the day finally arrived.
Jack hasn’t let go of my hand since we boarded the bus. Neither of us has said much. Just every so often, he whispers, “You can do this. I’m here.”
I nod, and soon another voice fills my head. It’s Mark’s. Snippets of our conversation that day on the bus come back to me, when we discussed what our wedding would be like. I remember the Irish college students. They were having the time of their lives. A few of them were killed too, as was Domenico, our bus driver.
I scold myself as I talk to Mark in my thoughts. We should have gotten married on Christmas Day, right here in Innsbruck, Mark. You were right when you didn’t want to wait a whole year. But no, I had to have my fairy-tale winter wedding. My parents would’ve understood, and we could’ve had a celebration once we were home. I’m sorry.
For some reason, since Mark’s death I’ve often given myself a guilt trip over not getting married as soon as possible, in Austria. That way, he would’ve been my husband when he died.
I see the highway pass indicating we’re only a mile away from Trento, Italy. A chill sets into my bones. We crashed not far from here.
I let go of Jack’s hand and place my feet up on the edge of my seat, hugging my
knees toward me. I can feel Jack’s gaze, but as always, he senses when to leave me alone.
And then those moments before the crash come flooding back: my waking up suddenly to bloodcurdling screams from the passengers . . . the bus listing wildly to the left and right . . . Domenico’s rosary beads frantically hitting the windshield. I can even feel the nauseous feeling that had formed in my stomach. And then, of course, Mark’s arm braced so tightly across my chest that it hurt. I shut my eyes tightly, not wanting to think of the last thing I’ll ever remember from that horrific crash. But then I remember that’s the whole point of this test. I need to remember everything, see everything just as I saw it that day. I stop fighting. I let myself see Mark’s eyes as we looked at each other, possibly knowing it would be the last time we ever saw each other again. Tears fall silently down my face as I feel a sharp stab of pain piercing my heart. It hurts as much as it did when I first learned upon awakening in the hospital that Mark had died.
Jack pulls me into him as he holds me. I rest my head in his lap, and soon the tears become sobs as I let myself cry uncontrollably. Jack strokes my hair and whispers, “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Once my crying has subsided, I sit up.
“Are you all right?” Jack’s face looks so sad. No doubt he must’ve also remembered how much it hurt him to visit Jennifer’s crash site. He must’ve remembered the pain he felt as he watched me in anguish.
“I’m better now. Thank you.”
Jack holds my hand tightly. I look out my window. Just as on that day five years ago, a few showers have passed. The sun begins to come out. I see my reflection cast in the window. My eyeliner is smeared and my eyes are puffy. I glance at Jack, but he’s looking straight ahead, absorbed in his own thoughts. Returning my attention back to the window, I almost gasp when I see Mark’s image. He’s staring at me and smiling. It’s the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. Mark holds up his hand. I press my own against the glass. I hear him whisper, “I’ll always love you, Bianca. Be happy.”
When the Snow Falls Page 26
