by B. N. Toler
Taking my head in his hands, he pressed our foreheads together. His voice was gravelly, his emotion evident as he calmly told me, “It has to be done, Waverly.”
“It doesn’t,” I argued. “You don’t have to do this.” I pounded the side of my fist against his chest, selfishly wanting him to hurt the way I did. “Not yet anyway. We could have a few more days,” I pleaded.
“Waverly,” he begged.
He was saying no. There was no more waiting. There would be no more days. This was it. Anger surged through me as I shoved him away and stumbled to my feet, my face heated and wet with tears.
“Damn you!” I cried. “How am I supposed to go on now? How do I live after losing you?”
He moved quickly and before I knew it he had a firm hold on my arms. “I’m sorry,” he growled at me. “If you think the idea of me dying and leaving you behind isn’t fucking killing me, you’re wrong. I don’t want one day or a few days, I want hundreds and thousands of days. I want to see you smile at me, my face,” he emphasized through gritted teeth. “Not Max’s. When I take you to bed, when I’m deep inside of you, loving you, I want it to be me you see when you gaze up at me as you moan and tell me you love me. Me, Waverly . . . all of me. My heart, my soul, my body.” He stopped for a brief moment, and squeezed my arms a little tighter as if he were trying to convey everything he was feeling through his hold on me. “It’s time, Waverly,” he rasped. “Maybe I’ll end up in his body forever, and if I do, we will make it work, but you have to be able to accept it if I don’t. You have to go on. You wanna know how?” he asked as he jerked me gently. “You just do.”
Releasing my arms, he took my face in his hands and used his thumbs to wipe my wet cheeks. “You’ll do it for me.”
Melting into his arms, I cried as he gently stroked my hair. He whispered to me his love and adoration. He spoke beautiful words as he cradled me. He promised everything would be okay. By the time Helen returned with the doctor and Kym, I had calmed down, even though I was still crying.
“They’re ready to begin,” Helen informed us, her eyes tearing up. Turning to her, he hugged her tightly.
“I love you, Hel Cat,” he whispered where the others couldn’t hear. “If the baby is a girl, name it Liamina,” he tried to joke, desperate to make her laugh once more. She didn’t, but she managed to force a smile as she pulled away from him.
“I love you, too,” she mouthed.
The goodbyes had been spoken, the forms signed. This was it.
Liam held us both, one in each arm at his sides as we watched Kym begin the extubating process. Kym laid a towel over his chest, preparing for her work. Before she started, she silenced the machines that monitored his heart rate and blood pressure. The doctor had explained once they cut off the machine that provided him oxygen, it would cause his blood pressure and heart rate to fluctuate and the machines would get loud if they didn’t silence them.
“Now I will cut his oxygen,” Kym informed us. Liam squeezed my hand as our gazes met.
“I love you,” he whispered.
Before I could respond, Kym pushed the button to stop the oxygen supply to the ventilator.
Then I heard something thud loudly.
Jerking my head toward the sound, I stared blankly, shock rendering me mute and still.
Max’s body was on the floor.
“Liam,” Helen shrieked, jerking me out of my disbelief. We both fell to our knees beside him, assessing him. Straightening his head, I smacked his face a few times, attempting to wake him but he was out cold.
Dr. Malcom rushed to us with a tiny flashlight prying his eyelids open before checking his pulse, he said, “His heart rate is through the roof.”
Just then, Max’s eyes opened and narrowed with drowsiness as he looked around. “Where am . . .” He stopped when his gaze fell on me. “Waverly?” he mumbled in disbelief. “Where am I?”
My heart froze in my chest as a familiarity came up and wrapped it arms around me.
I recognized the man staring back at me.
And it wasn’t Liam.
It was Max.
Max was back in his body which could only mean one thing.
Liam had returned to his.
Helen and I locked gazes, as what had happened dawned on us. “This is Max,” I told her, barely able to form the words as the shock seemed to smother me.
We both looked at the bed where Kym had just placed an oxygen mask over Liam’s mouth and nose. Even after they removed the ventilator, they still gave him oxygen through the mask until his heart stopped beating. Liam was officially off life support. My chest heaved up and down as the reality sunk in. They’d switched, and Liam was dying. It was the worst case scenario, and it was happening. My emotions were quickly halted when Max began to convulse, his eyes rolling back in his head as he foamed at the mouth.
“He’s having a seizure,” Dr. Malcolm grunted as he rolled Max to his side to keep him from choking. “Kym, get some help.”
It felt as if I’d been hit. Everything was happening so fast, and I didn’t know how to process it. “Has he taken anything?” The doctor asked as others rushed in to assist. Helen and I were stunned, both of us struggling to comprehend what was happening. Liam hadn’t taken anything that morning, I knew it. Then Helen’s eyes widened as her jaw went slack as if something had just occurred to her.
“The pills,” she said more to me than to anyone.
I stared at her blankly. “The note and the pills,” she tried again to help me understand.
“He took pills?” the doctor asked.
“I think he tried to kill himself,” Helen clarified and then it dawned on me, my mouth falling open. Liam had been right. Max had tried to end his life, and when he did, they switched. Now, Max was waking up in his body again right where he’d left off.
He was overdosing.
Now, they were both dying.
After they whisked Max’s body out of the room, Helen and I stood frozen as we stared at Liam. If we watched closely, we could see his chest rise ever so slightly as he took shallow breaths. He was still breathing, barely.
Helen moved to the left side of the bed, and I moved to the right. It had only been a few moments before that he was still here, beside us in Max’s body.
They’d said it could take up to an hour for him to stop breathing, for him to pass. Taking his hand in mine, I told him, “We’re here, Liam. We’re right here with you.”
Helen took his other hand in hers. “We’re with you, Liam,” she echoed my words.
Seconds seeped into minutes, and before long it had been twenty minutes. A few times he’d stopped breathing, and we’d stopped breathing as we waited to see if he’d draw another breath. When he did, we’d exhale with relief. He was still alive. We still had him.
After thirty minutes, Kym came in and updated us on Max. “They’ve pumped his stomach, but his blood-alcohol level is through the roof, and he tested positive for high levels of opioids. They’re still trying to stabilize him.”
We knew Liam hadn’t had any alcohol or pills that morning because we’d been with him every second—he’d barely been able to go to the bathroom alone. “This is fucking crazy,” Helen murmured as she stared down at her brother’s face.
“Please keep us informed,” I asked Kym. She nodded once then looked to Helen.
“I believe your son is outside,” she informed her. “I asked him to let me get you first because I wasn’t sure if you wanted him to come in or not.”
“Damn it,” Helen sighed, her mouth tightening. “He wanted to come today, but I told him no,” she explained to me. “He’s as stubborn as his uncle. I’ll be right back.”
They both scurried out of the room leaving me alone with Liam. The room was so quiet when I realized he wasn’t breathing again. I took his hand and squeezed it as I pressed my mouth to the back of it. “I’m here, Liam,” I told him again. “I’m here with you.”
The door opened again, and a woman entered, a kind smi
le on her face as she looked from me to Liam. I narrowed my eyes as I studied her face. I recognized her. She was the woman from the pier.
“Pearl?” I questioned in disbelief. She looked cleaner than the only time I’d seen her the previous day. Her gray hair was sleek, pushed behind her ears and she was wearing a loose white linen dress, which made her look anything but homeless.
“Hello, Waverly,” she greeted, her tone comfortable as if she was someone who knew me well. I snapped my mouth shut as I widened my eyes in surprise. She knew my name. How did she know my name? At the sound of her voice, Liam took a short ragged breath as Pearl placed her hand on his shoulder, “Hello, my friend.”
I watched her closely, wondering if I should ask her to leave, but I couldn’t manage the courage to ask. Besides, I told myself Liam would have wanted her to say goodbye.
“Looks like he doesn’t have much longer,” she noted, casually, her tone lacking the appropriate amount of sympathy. She said it as if she were noting the weather; as if it were no big deal. I dug my nails into my palms to keep me from lashing out. How dare she come in here and state the obvious as if it wasn’t already hard enough. Then I remembered what Liam had told me about her. He wouldn’t want me to get upset with her because she couldn’t help it.
“No, I don’t think so,” I murmured as I choked back a sob.
Reaching up, she brushed some hair from his face. “Do you believe in miracles, Waverly?”
I held my breath for a moment, unsure of how to answer. “I don’t know,” I finally answered, as I cried, unable to hold it in any longer. “I want to, but none of this seems very miracle like. I feel like I’m being punished.”
“Hmm,” she mumbled. “It’s all about perception.”
“Not sure how else to perceive this.”
“Few people are given the chance to see life in a different way.”
My mind whirled as it tried to understand this version of Pearl. She was mentally unwell, right? Hadn’t I seen her petting a stuffed cat like it was her pet? I’d never met her, and according to Liam she was out of it and needed professional help, but as I watched her, I felt like there may have been so much more to Pearl than that, and there was definitely more to the story. With a deep breath, I attempted to calm myself, something inside of me caused me to listen to Pearl closely.
“He’s been from average Joe, to dirty bum, to a man with great wealth. Liam has seen much.”
My breath hitched as I dissected her words. ‘To a man with great wealth,’ she’d said. Which meant she knew Max and Liam had switched bodies? Narrowing my eyes at her, I asked, “You know?”
She grinned as if I were ridiculous as she cut her gaze to me. “Of course I know.”
“H-how?” I sputtered. “How do you know?”
“Because it’s my job to know.”
I wanted to reach out and throttle her. She kept talking in riddles and vague answers. Nothing was making any sense. “Your job?”
Stepping toward me, she stared me dead in the eyes. “Ever heard of Karma?”
My heartbeat whooshed in my ears. Was Pearl really a part of this? Did she have something to do with it somehow? Or was she a lady who suffered from delusions and I was so desperate for an answer to everything that I was buying it. Keeping my stare locked with hers, I waited for her to go on.
“I don’t understand,” I breathed.
Resting her hand on Liam’s arm again, she sighed. “You’re not being punished, Waverly, and neither is Liam. Liam is a special man. There are few people in this world that would watch out for a crazy old lady who they had no ties to.”
“Then why are you punishing him?”
“I’m not. If you look at it the right way, maybe you’ll see all of this as a reward.”
I gaped at her like she was a lunatic. “Reward?” I seethed. “How is this man you claim is your friend dying a reward?”
“You need time to gain perspective, but we don’t have time for that now, it’s almost time.”
I gripped the railing of the bed, my knuckles whitening as fear walked its arctic fingers up my spine. “Almost time for what?”
Pearl frowned. “Max’s choice.”
The blood drained from my face. What did that mean? If anything involved Max making a choice I knew it couldn’t be good. “Choice?”
She brushed off some invisible dirt on her dress before meeting my intense stare. “Max must choose to live or die,” she stated simply.
I rushed around the bed, cornering her. “What does that mean?” I shrieked.
Glancing back at Liam’s body, she quirked her mouth up on one side. “It means his choice decides Liam’s fate.”
My heart thunked to the pit of my stomach. “Are you saying Liam will die if Max chooses to?”
Her mouth tightened, and she tilted her head, her gaze soft as it fixed on me. “Yes.”
I shook my head adamantly. “No. How could you let that happen to him? He looked out for you. He even bought you that stupid cat. He was your friend. Max hasn’t done anything for anyone but himself.” I was yelling at her, my voice hoarse with emotion. “How is it fair he gets to choose and Liam doesn’t?”
“Because Liam did choose. He chose to give his life to save another. But Max didn’t want to be saved.”
I don’t understand,” I hiccupped. “What are you telling me?”
“Max purposely stepped out into traffic that day.” Her mouth tightened for a moment as she seemed to try and compose herself. “It wasn’t an accident. He left Liam to die because he was scared. In his mind, he’d killed him.”
I knew I was standing, that my feet were planted firmly on the cold tiled floor, but I felt like I was falling. “He wanted to get hit by a car and die?” I confirmed.
She bobbed her once, letting me know I had it right.
Disbelief zipped up my backbone, twisting my sadness into anger. I glared at her as I took a step toward her. “So Max is rewarded with not one, but two chances after he intentionally tried to kill himself, but Liam,” I paused as I clenched my fist to my mouth, reminding myself to keep calm, “Liam gets his fate left in Max’s hands? What the fuck kind of Karma is that?” I seethed.
“Liam saved him. He gave his life. I did not take it,” she explained, her hand raising in defense as she noted my anger. “I could have let them both die. But I didn’t. I wanted Max to choose and save them both.”
“Why? Tell me why Max gets to choose?”
“Because it was my last chance to save Max’s soul.”
My mind tore apart her last words in milliseconds. “Was?” I croaked, the blood draining from my face.
Her eyes drew together as she met my stare with a regretful gaze. “Max wants to die. I’m afraid I’ve failed.”
I didn’t bother to argue with her anymore. I couldn’t. Bolting out of the room like a mad woman, I sprinted to the stairwell. By the time I made it to the first floor and into the emergency department where they’d taken Max, I was out of breath, heaving for air. A petite blonde nurse was just exiting the double doors that led to the triage area, not noticing me as she stared at some papers in her hand.
“Ma’am,” she yelled as I sprinted by her, but I didn’t stop. There was no time. Several nurses and a doctor stopped in their tracks and watched me as I stopped and jerked my gaze around trying to spot Max. To my right was a room where what appeared to be several doctors and nurses were huddled around a bed, yelling medical terms at each other. When I caught sight of Max’s face, I flew into the room and hopped on the bed.
Grabbing Max’s shoulders, I shook him. “You better live, goddammit!” I yelled, my words hitching on sobs. My hands ached I was grasping him so tightly. “Don’t take him from me, Max! Don’t, please, I’m begging you.” Hands grabbed at me everywhere, trying to pull me off of him, but I clung to him tighter. “Max, please,” I begged. “You have to live so he can! Live, please. Don’t take him from us, Max.”
When they finally tore me away, and I was dragge
d out of the room, my body went limp as I wailed.
“He’s crashing!” someone shouted. The hands holding me were suddenly gone, and I twisted my neck as my ears throbbed with the sounds of loud beeps from the monitors.
“Push one epi!” someone shouted.
I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t breathe.
Max was going to die.
Max was dying.
I’d never run so fast in my life. I’m positive if I’d been timed I’d have qualified for some kind of world record. By the time I stumbled into Liam’s room, I was gulping for air. Pearl was gone. Which was probably good because I probably would’ve pummeled her if she’d been there. My chest heaving up and down, I took his hand and gasped through my tears, my throat burning, “I’m here, Liam.”
He made a wheezing sound as he sucked in a shallow breath. Agnal breathing Kym had called it—the long periods of not breathing followed by inhaling a short breath, but I knew he felt me. At least I told myself that. Glancing at the clock, I realized forty minutes had passed since they’d extubated him. I knew we didn’t have much longer—maybe only minutes. Where was Helen? A part of me wanted to rush out and find her, but what if Liam died while I was gone. I couldn’t risk it. I was losing him. Lowering the bed railing, I lay beside him, gently resting my head on his shoulder. I tried hard to slow my breathing, but crying wasn’t helping. Laying my hand on his chest, I felt how thin and frail he was, the bones of his chest and ribs prevalent. My heart ached when I thought about the long and bumpy road that led him here. The nights of sleeping on hard benches and cold sidewalks, the days of hunger and hopelessness. Still, he gave all he had, the only thing he had—his life—to a man that just threw it all away. Liam didn’t deserve this. Not one bit. If what was happening to him was karma, as Pearl had said, then karma could go and fuck itself. “I want to beg you not to go,” I rasped. “but I know you’d stay if you could.” Taking his limp hand in mine, I raised it to my mouth and kissed it again. I had no idea how I’d walk out of this room after he was gone. The thought felt like the most real version of hell I could think of. “If you need to let go, Liam,” I wept, warm tears leaking from my eyes, “you can.”
