On Saturday morning of the last week of her second month, Lily woke to cramping and a warm, sticky sensation between her legs. She lay in bed for half an hour, crying, unwilling and unable to get up and face the reality of her third miscarriage, berating herself for not taking her doctor’s advice to try progesterone treatments. So what if there wasn’t actually any proof that it would help? She had plenty of proof already that her body couldn’t handle this on its own. Finally, she stumbled into the bathroom and took a shower. She slid a pad into a fresh pair of underwear. She washed the sheets, treating the blood spots with stain remover. She sent them through the machine three times before all traces of the incident were gone. She dried the sheets, put them back on the bed, and marked her calendar with a P, for period.
“It’s landed! It’s landed!” shouted Auntie Rosa. “Iris’ plane is here!”
Auntie Rosa stood by the gate, an expression of pure glee tattooed across her face as her four-foot-ten-inch frame strained to see past the group of others who waited excitedly to welcome friends and family as they disembarked.
Welcoming Iris had become a Capotosti ritual that unfolded with disturbing - or comforting - predictability. It was a vestige of family tradition that would likely continue for a while; it didn’t look like Iris was going to come back to stay any time soon. Lily had mixed feelings about Iris’ arrival, but she hadn’t gone to the airport last year and she could tell Iris had been upset; she would be hard-pressed to get away with it again. Besides, Iris had kept her promise not to wait so long before coming home again; Lily would have to find a way to travel the five miles to greet her.
As Iris’ face appeared, a graceful head and shoulders above the approaching crowd of passengers, Auntie Rosa began jumping up and down in place, waving her arms and shouting, “Lover-dover! Lover- dover!” Though it was good to see Auntie Rosa excited about something for the first time since Uncle Alfred’s death, each exclamation of joy at the mere glimpse of Iris was like ripping away a persistent, festering scab.
Iris and Lily had exchanged letters with greater regularity over the past year, but they never ventured into the churning waters of the past. They had never talked about what had happened the last time Iris came to visit, and when Lily received a letter from Iris shortly after she returned to Italy, it had taken her all day to muster up the courage to open it. She was sure it would be filled with criticism and blame that would spill out into the air around her once she tore the envelope open. There wasn’t room for much more of that in her life. When she finally read the letter, she discovered that it was light and newsy. No mention of the horseback riding incident. That was Iris for you. Cheerfully dismissive.
She didn’t know how she would have responded if Iris had pursued the matter. Lily had planned to take the horseback riding trip they all went on the last time Iris was in town, but Joe had come home especially late from the track the night before. Lily knew that meant he was forced to take the back roads, because he didn’t have any money to pay the highway toll. Their credit cards were consistently maxed out, and pay day was still several days away. The expense of going riding, plus going out to lunch, was more than Lily could manage. She felt bad about the lie she’d told her sisters about being late for her period and not wanting to risk it, and she hoped that this visit would be her chance to try and make it right, to show Iris and Violet that she was one of them. That at least she wanted to be.
Lily was just as content not to rehash the matter, but in the years since Iris had moved away, it seemed that the list of topics acceptable for conversation had become overgrown by those that were not. She couldn’t write to Iris about the family, as their divergent relationships held too much potential for disagreement. And she certainly couldn’t tell Iris what her life was like these days. That left the weather and the latest news on the few friends they’d shared. Iris went to as much trouble staying in touch with them as Lily did avoiding them. It was easier that way. Joe didn’t like any of Lily’s old friends, and they didn’t really know Lily anymore, if they ever had. It hardly seemed worth the arguing she would inevitably have to endure in order to get Joe to agree to a girls’ night out. Even if he wasn’t home, he didn’t like the idea of Lily hanging around a bar, where married women had no business being. She had enough to worry about right now without stirring up social engagements she couldn’t accept.
“I can’t b’lieve it!” Auntie Rosa cried. “I can’t b’lieve you’re here!” She encircled Iris with both arms, and gave her a full body hug, rocking Iris from side to side. Iris widened her eyes and stuck her tongue out and to the side in mock strangulation.
“Geez Louise, Auntie Rosa, give the rest of us a chance, will you?” said Violet. She playfully pried Auntie Rosa off of Iris, and gave her a hug and a peck on the cheek. Lily made no move toward Iris. Fighting for a position at the front of the crowd was only slightly more objectionable than standing still, waiting in line for her turn.
Iris finally tore herself away from the pack and walked over to Lily. The sisters stood face to face, and then silently embraced.
“How are you Lily?”
“I’m fine,” said Lily. “Great.” It was rather early to be lying, but way too late to start telling the truth.
Lily checked the skillet of goulash that was simmering on the stove. She turned the knob on the control panel, gently illuminating the kitchen with the light from the small range lamp. She poured herself a glass of Merlot, grabbed a pack of cigarettes and stepped out onto the patio. She picked up a green nylon folding lawn chair, and with one hand shook it open and placed it under her tree. She was glad to find that the leafy fronds were again long enough to tickle her shoulders, creating a small canopy under which Lily liked to rest - no thanks to Joe and his crazy clippers. Every month or two - usually the morning after a bad night at the track - Lily would find Joe in the backyard, wildly clipping away at the tree like a madman with no plan for when or where to stop, and with no understanding of what the tree would look like when he was done.
“It just looks so sloppy,” he had told her one day. He compulsively snipped and clipped, boughs of wispy branches floating to form piles on the ground.
“It’s not sloppy,” Lily had protested. “It’s supposed to look that way; it’s free. It’s expressing itself.”
“Yeah, well, so am I expressing myself,” he told her, as he continued clipping. After several bouts of uncontrolled pruning during which Joe completely ignored Lily’s pleas for restraint, Lily learned to prune the branches to keep them out of Joe’s way and then simply hide the clippers when she was done. Whatever frustrations he had hoped to unleash by pruning were spent on looking for his tool of destruction, and after a few short bouts of yelling, he gave up and went back inside.
Lily took a sip of the wine, and lit a cigarette, grateful that the smell of lawn chemicals had faded with the disappearing sun. She still could not understand why everyone in the neighborhood sprayed their lawns to kill dandelions - she thought dandelions were beautiful and took delight in a green lawn peppered with bright yellow tufts. She remembered she and Iris holding dandelions under each other’s chin - a reflection of yellow against your skin indicating your love for butter. Lily wondered where they had learned that dandelion game. Where they had learned any of the nonsense posing as truth that they had picked up along the way.
A car door slammed in the driveway. Lily ground her cigarette into the grass with her shoe, and ran through the house to greet Joe at the front door.
“What’s the matter with you?” Joe asked as he stepped into the foyer. “You look like you just lost your best friend.”
“I’m just tired,” said Lily. “It’s after ten. Can’t you get home a little earlier a couple nights a week?” Lily walked into the kitchen, and turned the flame off from under the skillet.
“Not if there’s a customer in the store.” Joe removed his suit coat and flung it over the railing of the stairs as he passed. He shuffled into the kitchen and sat at the place
Lily had set for him. “Tonight I had this nerd who had a clipboard and a bunch of bogus low-ball quotes from the other stores on the strip. Jesus, nothing pisses me off like one of those guys who thinks he can beat the system.”
“Did you close him?”
“He doesn’t even know what hit him – he’s going to wake up tomorrow with a sore ass, I’ll tell you that. And he thinks I’m his best friend. Asshole.”
“Nice commission?” Lily heaped a mound of goulash onto a plate.
“I buried him,” said Joe.
“Good – the payments on the new loan start this week.” Lily placed the steaming dish in front of Joe, and sat down across from him.
“I know, Lil, I know,” said Joe, irritated. “Why do you have to bombard me with bills the minute I get in the door? I know we have bills - I’m out there working my ass off every day. Believe me, I know we have bills.” He shoveled a scoop of goulash into his mouth, followed by a gulp of grape soda. He picked up the salt shaker and furiously sprinkled his plate.
Lily finished the dishes and shook the last Merit from a pack she’d just started that morning. She always smoked more when Iris was in town. Emotions were more difficult to deal with as people who only saw each other when Iris visited were thrown together again, and directed by Iris’ expectations to behave like loving brothers and sisters. Lily discovered she just wasn’t that good of an actress - and now there was the added anxiety of trying to figure out how to participate in Iris’ latest adventure - which was much more ambitious than horseback riding at Ellison Park. Lily waited until Joe had filled his belly and emptied his mind of the stories of his day. She followed him up the stairs, wondering how to begin, wondering if it even mattered.
“The Thousand Islands?!” Joe exclaimed. He removed his pants and tossed them onto the highboy that sat in the corner of the bedroom. Lily shook out the pants, folded them on the crease, and hung them over the rod.
“Why the hell are they going there?”
“For fun,” said Lily. “They want to go to Alexandria Bay.”
“Alex Bay isn’t fun,” said Joe. “It’s a dive.”
“I don’t know,” said Lily. “Violet said it’s nice.”
“What is Violet doing going away for the weekend, with two little kids to take care of?”
“Just because she has kids it doesn't mean she can’t also have fun,” said Lily. “Todd is taking care of the kids and the house. It’s just one day, not really the whole weekend.”
“Well, excuse me for having a job that requires actual work. If Todd was any kind of a man, he would be out in the world making his own money instead sponging off of his wife.”
“He works.”
“Big deal - what does he do, make Violet’s appointments and do her billing? Might as well call him her secretary. Other than that, he doesn’t do a goddamn thing. I’m sorry I’m not as good of a wife as Todd is.”
“Why are we talking about Todd?” said Lily. “I was telling you that Violet and Iris want me to go with them for an overnight to Alex Bay, and you’re over there talking about Todd.”
“And you’re defending him. Would you rather be married to someone like that?”
“What? No,” said Lily. Well, maybe. “I’m not defending him, Joe - why are you attacking him?” Lily raised the bedroom window and pushed the curtains aside, hoping to clear the way should an evening breeze decide to arouse itself, wander in and ease the heat rising within her.
“I’m not attacking him.” Joe’s voice grew louder. “I just can’t stand the way he lets your sister call the shots. He follows her around like a puppy dog, waiting for her command and drooling for a bone.” Joe drew his necktie out from under his collar. “I don’t like you being influenced by Violet. Hanging around with her will give you the wrong ideas.”
“I’m not taking castration lessons from her,” Lily said.
“Is that supposed to be some kind of a fucking joke?” Joe yelled.
“No! Joe, I’m just saying... we’re just going to hang out,” said Lily. “You know, have some girl talk.”
“What do you guys talk about, anyway?” Joe asked.
“I dunno. Girl stuff.”
“Do you talk about me?”
“They don’t like to get too serious,” said Lily, hoping to steer the conversation in a new direction. “Especially when Iris is here.” Lily hoped that Iris’ presence would cancel out Violet’s since Joe had often commented favorably on Iris’ quiet nature and her deference to Gregorio.
“That’s another thing -” Joe let his white oxford shirt fall to the floor as he bent to remove one of his shoes. “The last time Iris was here, I seem to remember you ruined our entire Sunday crying because they went horseback riding without you. Did you forget about that?”
Lily burst into tears.
“Oh, Jesus Christ!” Joe pitched his shoe across the room. It hit the screen, popping it from its frame. The shoe sailed through the open window, and landed with a faint thud into the backyard.
“Let’s just forget it,” said Lily. She inched toward the door. “I didn’t really want to go anyway. OK?” She slipped out into the hallway. “Let’s just forget it.”
Ten minutes later, Joe followed Lily down to the living room and sat beside her on the couch. He placed his head in his hands.
“I’m so sorry, Lil. I didn’t mean to make you cry. But sometimes you just make me crazy.” Joe forced a giggle and put his arm around her. “You make me a little nuts, you know? Last time, you were so upset that they went without you and now you’re ready to jump at the chance to go with them, like a lost puppy.”
“I just... I just wanted to be included. You don’t know what it feels like to be left out by your own family, Joe.”
“Oh, I don’t?” Joe turned toward Lily and took her hands in his. “I never told you about Olympic Park? When I was little - like in the second grade, probably - my parents took us kids to Olympic Park. It was Report Card Day.”
“I remember Report Card Day!” said Lily. “For every ‘A’ on your final report card, you got three free ride tickets.”
“Right - and two tickets for every ‘B’ and one for every ‘C’.”
“Iris always had straight As and she used to ride all afternoon. I had mostly Cs and I ended up sitting around waiting for her for hours it seemed.”
“Well, when my parents took us, Alfonso and Anthony were tall enough for the big kid rides, and I had to stay in Kiddie Land.”
“By yourself?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t really mind about that too much. The thing is, they told me to wait by the boat ride, and they would come back and get me when Alfonso and Anthony had used up all their tickets.”
“I sat there by those boats all afternoon. I kept waitin’ and waitin’. I started to notice that all of the other families were leaving. I knew my brothers got better grades than me, but I knew they couldn't still be riding. I figured my parents forgot that they told me to wait by the boats so I started walking around looking for them.” A look of bewilderment passed over Joe’s face, as though he were trying to recount a dream in which nothing quite made sense. “I walked around for about an hour. Turns out, they all went home without me.”
“You’re kidding!”
“No, believe me, I am not kidding. They came back for me, though. Apparently I fell asleep on a bench by the Merry-Go-Round.”
“They must have been so relieved to find you!”
“Not exactly.” Joe looked at Lily and the bewilderment in his eyes shifted, replaced by a dark vacancy. “My father beat the crap out of me because I didn’t stay by the boat ride like I was supposed to.”
“Oh, Joe!” Lily threw her arms around his neck and began to cry. She wasn’t sure for whom.
“I’m not telling you this story so you’ll feel bad for me.” Joe reached up and removed Lily’s arms from around his neck. “I’m telling you so you’ll know that I understand what it feels like to be left out by your family.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” said Lily.
“And I’m sorry it happened to you, too,” said Joe. “It would be really hard to find the money to send you to Alex Bay this week... but if it’s that important to you, I guess I could borrow it from one of the guys at work. I just hate to see you begging your sisters like that. Maybe if you didn’t go, they wouldn’t keep taking you for granted the way they do.”
“I guess.”
“Does Violet even bother with you unless Iris is here?”
“Well, no.”
“Then when Iris breezes into town, they expect you to jump. That’s not how you get respect, Lily.”
“I guess you’re right,” said Lily. The thought of turning her sisters down again created a sour taste in the back of Lily’s throat, one that she could not push down, no matter how hard she swallowed - but what Joe said did make sense. He really understood her like no one else ever had. Maybe she was letting Iris and Violet take her for granted. And it wasn’t like they would really miss her. “Plus, if we don’t have the money...”
Joe took Lily into his arms. “We don’t need anyone else, Lil. We have our home, and food in the fridge, and next time you get pregnant, maybe you won’t lose it, and we’ll finally have that baby. We don’t need fancy trips and expensive jewelry and crap like that. Your sisters chase after those things because that’s all they have. You and me - we have each other. We have a special bond, ya know?”
Joe slid his hand down over Lily’s breast. The images of his face, so recently dripping with rage, and of his shoe bursting through the window screen were still fresh in her mind. She steeled herself against her inclination to flinch and push him away, torn between being repulsed by his cruelty and craving love and comfort, knowing that she would have to find a way to say “no” to Iris; the idea of it churned in her belly. Part of her wanted to gather Joe into her arms, to love the little boy who sat alone all afternoon by the boat ride, to show her gratitude to the man who insisted that she was too special to be ignored - and part of her wanted to scream at him, slap him, run from him. Yet what would she scream, where would she run to? What if it turned out that he was the only one who truly cared? Could she really afford to alienate him? Bound by the heavy chains of confusion, Lily’s anger thrashed about inside her. Tamed by her fears, it finally acquiesced. Lily curled up inside herself, cuddling her rage like an exotic pet, unaware of its wild and dangerous nature, as Joe led her to their bed.
[Iris and Lily 01.0 - 03.0] The Complete Series Page 76
