by CJ Roberts
She squeezed me. So much was trapped inside me, and her love—or whatever it was she felt for me —threatened to coax it out. I fought to keep it all inside, where I could control it and no one could use it against me. My life was fucked up. It always had been. There was no point in dwelling on things I couldn’t control or change. My mother was dead. Rafiq was dead. Livvie and I were alive. End of fucking pity party.
“I’m so sorry, Caleb,” she sobbed. I closed my eyes to blink the burning and stinging away. “It wasn’t your fault.”
I swallowed hard.
“I wish that were true. Once, it may have been, but it stopped being true a long time ago. I did what I did, Livvie. It was my fault.” We were quiet for a minute as the words settled. There was something I needed to know. “Livvie, why did you change your last name to Cole? Was it for James? Or… me?”
“Caleb, I know who you are. It doesn’t matter what I call you as long as it’s what you want.” She sighed. “I did it because…” She shifted uncomfortably.
“You loved me.” I closed my eyes. “Trust me—I didn’t miss the past tense. I understand.” I didn’t understand.
“Caleb, it’s not…” she whispered and pressed closer. “It’s just… what you said about change. We’re changing. We’re both different, and until we know what that means, I don’t think—”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Livvie. I just want to be here. Right now. With you. Fuck the rest of it, because I don’t care. If there’s anything else you need to tell me, please do it now. Let’s get it over with and tomorrow we can start over. I want to start over, Livvie. Can we do that?” I kept stroking her back. It kept me grounded.
“I’d like that. But what will we tell people? We can’t tell them the truth, and I can’t leave my life behind again, Caleb.”
“What about the FBI? Are they still watching you?” I had a momentary flash of rage as I imagined coming face to face with Agent Reed. I’d pound his face into the ground—present tense!
“I’m supposed to meet Reed on Thursday. I know you don’t like him. Hell, I’m not sure I like him.” I could hear the smile in her voice and it irritated me. She’d compared him to me one too many times. “But he’s a good guy. He wanted to check on me since I told him I felt like someone was watching me. Aside from him and Sloan, I don’t deal with the FBI. I don’t have anything they want.” She nudged my ribs. I sighed.
“Well, you didn’t. You do now. With any luck you’ll be able to get rid of Reed easily. Tell him you have a secret admirer from school or something. I’m sure you do anyway. If you tell him there’s nothing for him to look into, he’ll be suspicious.” A voice in my head asked me if I could get away with getting rid of him for good. I calmly ignored it. I was determined to be someone different. I didn’t want to be a killer anymore.
“Okay, but what about the other stuff?”
“One day at a time, Livvie. I’m not ready to start explaining our relationship any more than you are. Let’s take our time coming up with our story.”
She propped herself on her elbow and leaned down to kiss my chest. She wiped at the wetness she had left on my shoulder.
“I swear I’ve done more crying in the past two days than I’ve done in the past year.” She smiled. “I think I’m done now. I really didn’t want to have to tell you all that stuff. It broke my damn heart when I had to hear it from Reed, but you deserve to know about your past.” Her gaze traveled from my eyes to my chest. She stroked me casually with her fingers. “The way you looked that day… he wasn’t worthy of your grief.”
I placed my hand on top of hers and cleared my throat.
“It’s over. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Her expression turned playfully wistful.
“If you’d have found me sooner, we could have celebrated your birthday. I lit a candle for you last month. I had to eat the cake myself.” She smiled. Her words were strange to me, but I laughed too.
“What kind of cake?”
“German chocolate. It was soooo good,” she groaned. I smiled, and at last it was truly genuine.
“Well, it’s just as well. I don’t eat a lot of cake.”
“I do! Then again, I’m eight years younger than you and my metabolism can handle it. You have to watch your handsome figure.” Her hand shifted down my chest and rubbed my abdomen.
“I think I do alright,” I said. I wasn’t shy about my body. I had no reason to be. “So weird to have a birthday, though. Do you think I look twenty-seven?”
Her smile was coquettish.
“I think you look… delicious!” Her hand traveled further down my abdomen until she brushed my cock with her fingers.
“Delicious, huh? That’s a new one. I was thinking virile, or the male personification of perfection.”
She laughed out loud. Her laugh was infectious. I loved the way it was a little too loud to be lady-like.
“Oh, Caleb. You’re those things too. But right now? I’m more interested in your tastiness.” She slid down on the bed and took my cock in her hand.
“Oh! Well in that case… taste away. If you have any more cake, I’d be happy to provide the frosting.” She wrinkled her nose and I laughed.
I lay back and let Livvie blow more than my mind.
Chapter Five
Livvie’s meeting with Reed went okay. He wasn’t an idiot though, Livvie recounted to me. He wanted to hang around for a few days and make sure Livvie was safe. I didn’t like him. I suspected his visit had more to do with uncovering secrets than keeping Livvie safe.
He spoke to Livvie’s friends, her co-workers, even the kid at the restaurant Livvie liked to go to. It was a good thing I had paid someone to give my note to the waiter. If he’d given Reed my description, we would have been pretty screwed. It took a great amount of will power to steer clear of him. I knew there were certain things Livvie would not forgive.
Livvie and I had no contact during Reed’s visit. I discovered more nightmares and a level of boredom I had never experienced before in my life. I was grateful for the internet until I was unable to resist doing a search for “Missing child+James Cole”.
There were a couple of results, but nothing that jumped out at me. I was kidnapped before the internet had become commonplace, before Twitter and Facebook, and 24-hour news. Back then, milk cartons and mailers were the best people could do. James Cole never stood a chance.
That night I dreamt I was trapped inside a child’s body. I was with Narweh again and my strength meant nothing. He laughed at me. I didn’t go online for a week.
I never like it when I dream. It’s usually about things I’d rather not think about. When I was a young boy and worked in the brothel, I never dreamed. At least, not that I can recall. There were mornings when I would wake and have new and interesting ways to murder Narweh when the time came—but I never attributed them to my dreams.
The first dreams I can recall began when Rafiq brought me to live with him. The uncertainty of my new fate had the tendency to terrify me. I have never felt comfortable sharing my feelings—especially my doubts, fears, hopes, and desires. They are what make me vulnerable and more than anything, I hate being vulnerable. Once Rafiq had gained my trust, once he had given me a destiny and a purpose, I didn’t dream so much.
The dreams resurfaced in the weeks following Livvie’s kidnapping. I had dismissed them at the time. I knew I was conflicted over many things: My desire to move on with my life. My confusion over Rafiq’s increasing secrecy. The nagging sense of doubt over kidnapping Livvie. The fear I was becoming Narweh. The dreams intensified the more my feelings for Livvie had begun to develop. I denied it then. I see it now.
The nightmares I had after I left Livvie at the U.S.–Mexico border were some of the worst I have ever had. If you know anything about me—and we’ve well established you do—then you can perhaps imagine the horrors I had to choose from. The truth is, I don’t let these things, the horrors of my past, drag me under. Quite the contrary—for
so very long, they fueled me. Considering what I’ve been through, I often think I’m very well adjusted. I can handle anything the world throws at me, but for someone who tries to plan his moves ahead of time, uncertainty about my future leaves me disturbed as nothing else.
I thought finding Livvie would give me certainty, but I was learning that happiness also presents new ways to suffer. Misery, I understand. Happiness is terrifying.
Also, Livvie’s words about “other shit” coming to the fore made sense to me. For the first time in my life I didn’t have anything to do. No one had any expectations of me. I had enough money to do anything and go anywhere, but I had no idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I had idle hands. My mind was the proverbial devil’s playground. It seemed as though everything I had kept tucked away in the dark recesses of my mind was escaping into my consciousness.
I breathed a deep sigh of relief when Reed left Spain and Livvie could finally come back to me. I still had the nightmares, but waking up to her warm body made it easier to come back from the anxiety.
***
It was October, and the weather was becoming unpredictable. On some nights it was the perfect excuse to spend hours in bed. Livvie and I fucked like rabbits—and a few other animals too.
Although Livvie’s presence brought me solace after a nightmare, I hated how weak it made me feel to accept it. Instead, I took to staying up after Livvie went to sleep. I slept while she was out in the world of the living. I still had the dreams, but I didn’t wake up to darkness.
All in all, things were good. Aside from the dreams, I didn’t have anything to complain about. However, I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t beginning to get more than a little restless. Livvie had a job, she went to school and had friends. I didn’t have any of those things. Trust me, I wasn’t butt-hurt over it. I didn’t begrudge her those things. It was simply becoming obvious to me that my life was completely different from what I had known. What does a former kidnapper/murderer do in retirement?
After three weeks of idle hands, I decided to buy a car. I bought a 5-Series BMW. It wasn’t as sexy as the Lamborghini, but it did the trick. I could go for long drives and avoid my sterile hotel room. Even when I was out, I kept to myself. Having decided I would be staying in Barcelona indefinitely, I didn’t need or want to draw unnecessary attention toward myself. It was a huge risk just being with Livvie.
It didn’t take long for Livvie’s friends to realize something had changed. She’d all but abandoned them those first three weeks. She worked three nights a week and went to school Monday through Thursday. She spent most of her free time with me.
“So,” Livvie began as we sat down to eat the meal room service had brought up. “Remember when we said we’d take things one day at a time and figure out what we were going to tell people when the time came?” She bit into a piece of asparagus. I swallowed the chunk of steak in my mouth without chewing.
“Yes.”
“Well, I think we should start talking about it. Claudia and Rubi are starting to complain about the amount of time I’m not spending with them.” She smiled at me.
I stabbed a piece of broccoli like it owed me money.
“Why is it their business? You’re an adult. You don’t need their permission to see me.”
“Caleb,” she admonished. “They’re my friends. They’ve been there for me. If you’re going to fit into my life, you’re going to have to find a way to get to know my friends. I can’t keep coming over here every night. It’s exhausting. I have a life!”
“And aren’t you lucky? Good for you.” I shoveled food into my mouth and avoided her eyes. I didn’t know why I was so angry. She’d made a perfectly valid argument and I’d shit on it. Her smile quickly disappeared.
“You know what? How about I just quit my job?” she spat.
I looked up from my plate. Here we go…
“Livvie—”
“No!” She was on a roll. Her eyes screamed of crazy. “It’s perfect! I’ll leave school and cut my friends out of my life. Then you can have me all to yourself! You can keep me in your dark little room and fuck me stupid. You can own me. It’s what you want, isn’t it?”
My rage was a living, breathing monster in my gut and it fed on every word she’d said. I had no doubt she’d been waiting to say those words to me since the night we’d talked on her balcony. Did her words hurt? Yes. But they also excited me. My dick was hard and a familiar thrumming thudded in my ears. I wanted a fight. I needed a fight. I was sick and tired of playing nice. I AM NOT NICE!
I chewed my food slowly and with a smile on my face. I watched Livvie closely. She was trying hard not to crack under the pressure of my silence. Livvie could never handle it—still can’t. I could hear her breathing. Her eyes were narrowed onto my face. If I’d been some little boy her age, I might have worried for my safety. But I’d seen scary, and Livvie just didn’t fit the bill. She was too sweet, too sexy.
“Aren’t you going to fucking respond?” She was taunting me and enjoying it. Her chest rose and fell with gaining speed. I could make out the points of her nipples through her shirt.
I swallowed my food and sipped from my wine glass. I’d missed the familiarity of pushing Livvie’s buttons. I didn’t want to hurt her. I’d vowed not to hurt her again. It didn’t mean I had to become a pussy.
“You want a response, Kitten?” Fear flickered just behind her angry stare. She shivered before she could stop it. I took my napkin from my lap and set it on the table. Livvie watched me intently. “Here’s my response.”
I slid my arm across the table. Our plates, glasses, and silverware crashed onto the floor. I stood up just in time to catch Livvie’s arm as she leapt out of her chair and ran toward the door.
“Caleb, no!” she screamed. I put my hand across her mouth and hoisted her with one arm. Her legs kicked out at me viciously. Her teeth bit into my hand. Her nails dug into the flesh of my arm. The pain only spurred me on.
I pressed her body into the wall until she could barely move. She squirmed against me. You might hate me for it, but I loved every second. Then again, I knew I wasn’t going to hurt her—not really. Once I had her immobilized, I whispered into her ear.
“Don’t you think if that’s what I wanted, I wouldn’t just do it?” She whimpered. “It would be easier for me. You’d be mine in every way possible.” I rubbed my cock between the cheeks of her ass. I almost came in my pants when she groaned. She struggled, but she was barely trying.
“I could keep you chained to the bed. I’d fuck you every night and never let you come. Only good girls get to come, Kitten. Would you be a good girl for me?” I took my hand away from Livvie’s mouth and smoothed her hair back so I could see the side of her face.
“Fuck you. Let me go,” she panted. Her tone meant business, but her body language told another story. She moved against my cock.
We were in dangerous territory. I knew the situation could blow up in my face, but the thrill was too strong. I couldn’t resist. I pressed her deeper into the wall, until she gasped for breath. I planted soft kisses against her neck.
“I’ll let you go if you’re not wet,” I whispered into her ear.
She didn’t move. She didn’t speak.
“What, no response? Should I check?” My heart was racing. I was afraid of going too far. I was afraid I’d already gone too far and didn’t know how to come back. “Tell me to stop and I will. Tell me you don’t want me to pull your tights down and fuck you up against this wall. Remind me of what a terrible person I am. Tell me I’m a sick bastard and you want me out of your life forever.”
Livvie screwed her eyes shut. Her lip trembled, but she didn’t cry.
I softened toward her. I didn’t want to hurt her. I loved her. I didn’t know how to do it like normal people. I didn’t know how to tell her how scared I was. I pressed my forehead to the back of her neck and I tried.
“Tell me I don’t deserve you. Tell me all the things I already know.”
There was no time to think. I reacted. I pulled her skirt up to her waist. I shoved her panties and tights down to her knees. She gasped. Her hands slapped against the wall for balance. It was only seconds before I had my own pants down to my ankles. I thrust into Livvie fast and hard.
She was wet. She was wet and warm and fucking heaven wrapped around me. I never wanted to leave the safety of her body. As long as I was inside her, she was mine. No one could take her from me. I couldn’t ruin things between us.
I pounded away at her. I put my hands around her wrists and fucked her into the wall. I practically lifted her body with every thrust… and I groveled.
“I’m sorry, Livvie. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Forgive me.” And I kept fucking.
Afterward, Livvie left in a hurry. I was tempted to stop her, but I didn’t. I felt I’d done enough damage for one night. I left all the broken dishes on the floor and proceeded to take a scalding hot shower. I refused to sleep that night.
Early the next morning, Livvie called me.
“Hey you.” I could hear the smile in her voice. I was a little suspicious but warily accepted she might not be mad about the night before.
I rubbed my eyes. I was exhausted.
“Hey.”
“I just wanted to let you know I have work after class, but I’m free tomorrow. I can spend the night, and tomorrow I thought we could go see a movie. I want to watch Let Me In.”
I sat up and propped myself up against the headboard.
“Um… okay.” I’d been expecting anger from her. Maybe even excuses as to why she couldn’t see me for a while. I decided it was better to accept her offer than question her motives. “What’s it about?”
“It’s sort of a horror movie, but not really. I really liked the Swedish version called Let the Right One In, but I’m curious to see what the director did with it.”
