Men could change, indeed.
The sun was setting in the western horizon, but one couldn’t tell very much with the collection of tarnished silver clouds that crowded up the sky above.
Kathalin had been in her chamber most of the afternoon, having not left it since her conversation with her mother. The truth was that she didn’t want to leave it, locked away from the world, because every time that door opened, something drastic happened. She wasn’t sure she could take anything drastic again today but she was desperate to see Gates and to know of his conversation with her father. If it was anything like the conversation she’d had with her mother, then the future she had so hopefully dreamed about wasn’t quite as bright as she had wished. In fact, it had turned stormy and uncertain.
The chamber she occupied now, the one that was located opposite her mother’s lavish bower, was small but comfortable. There was a big hearth that kept the room very warm and a very comfortable bed she had slept soundly upon. Her possessions, the ones that Gates had purchased for her those weeks ago, had followed her into this chamber and were neatly put away in a slender but well-made wardrobe cabinet. The lumpy, white soap was sitting out next to a basin of cold water and the fur-lined cloak hung on a peg near the door. Everything in the room, from the soap to the cloak to the contents of the wardrobe, reminded Kathalin of Gates.
It was both a depressing and comforting sight. Kathalin sat on the wide sill of the lancet window overlooking the garden, the same window where she had first seen the dried, dead garden. She wasn’t looking so much at the garden any longer because it reminded her of the conversation with her mother and the long line of de Lara women that she was now coming to hate because they reminded her of her separation from Gates. She had no emotional link to her family, and especially not now. Her only emotional link was to Gates and she prayed he would come to her soon to tell her of better news from his conversation with Jasper. In fact, she’d been praying steadily on that very subject since her meeting with her mother.
Please, God… let us be together!
As she gazed up at the darkened sky, watching the birds as they flew about, seeking cover before the storm broke, she caught movement down in the garden. Peering down, she could see that Gates was standing there, waving his big arms up at her. She stuck her hand from the window, waving back, and when she pulled her hand out she could see that he was motioning her to join him in the garden. Waving at him again to signal that she understood, she grabbed her cloak off the peg and fled her chamber.
Giddy with excitement, Kathalin took the stairs too fast and nearly tripped on her way down. The keep was dark as she made her way down to the entry level where the Tender of the Keep sat huddled up against the fire in her small room near the entry door. When the woman saw Kathalin, she stood up, tossed off the blanket that had been over her shoulders, and made her way over to the iron gate, unlocking it so Kathalin could leave. Kathalin bolted outside once the gate opened and dashed off in the direction of the walled garden.
The wind was picking up and big, fat, freezing drops of rain were falling as she rushed to the gate of the garden, only to be met by Gates. He was already there, opening it, and she threw herself into his arms as she entered. Gates held her tightly, off the ground and aloft in his arms, and carried her over to a corner of the walled garden where eyes from the keep could not see them. He needed, and wanted, privacy. Before she could open her mouth to speak, he slanted his lips over hers and kissed her deeply.
It was a kiss full of longing and promise, and Kathalin wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him fast as he suckled her lips. It was new and thrilling and exciting, a kiss of untold passion beginning to awaken, and he pushed her back against the wall, supporting her body with his as he reached down and pulled her legs up so that they were wrapped around his hips. Kathalin was so involved in the heat of his kiss, the newness of something she had never before experienced, that she hadn’t realized the position he’d put her in. Her back was against the walled garden, her legs around his body as his pelvis rubbed up against hers.
It was an extremely intimate and naughty position but Kathalin, as naïve as she was, hardly recognized that. All she knew was that she was content in his big arms, his enormous body pressed against her as his lips devouring hers. Since her body was being supported by his as he held her against the wall, his hands moved to her face, cupping it, as he kissed her.
“Gates,” Kathalin breathed between heated kisses. “I spoke with my mother. She is unsympathetic to our cause. She insists that I marry Alex but I will try again to convince her. I will not stop until I have the answer we seek.”
He slowed his kisses, his hands still holding her face. Finally, he stopped altogether and looked at her. “I spoke with Jasper also,” he murmured huskily. “He has denied me as well.”
Kathalin’s brow furrowed with worry. “Did Alex speak with him, too?” she asked. “Did he tell my father that he did not wish to marry me?”
Gates nodded. “He did,” he said, his thumbs stroking her cheeks. “It is only the first battle in the war, sweetheart. Do not lose faith. I will approach him again tonight and see if I cannot change his mind.”
Kathalin nodded, trying not to allow feelings of defeat to claim her just yet. “Was he angry in his refusal?” she asked. “Did he become angry with you?”
Gates shrugged, his hands moving from her face to her neck, his gaze turning towards her shoulders and the swell of her full bosom. “He was upset, of course,” he said, drinking in his fill of her creamy white flesh. “He did not believe me when I told him I loved you.”
Kathalin was watching his face as he gazed at her chest. “He is concerned with your reputation.”
It was a statement, not a question, and Gates nodded as he bent over and kissed the swell of her breasts. “Aye,” he said. “I am sure he does not think I am capable of such feelings. It is not surprising, Kathi – I told you that my past would be an obstacle. You knew we would come across this. It is simply a matter of convincing Jasper that the right woman can change a man, as you have done for me.”
He pushed his face into her neck, kissing it softly as he inhaled her womanly musk. Kathalin’s arms were still around his neck, her hands in his hair as he kissed her, but her mind was thinking on her parents and their refusal. As Gates said, it was only the first battle in the war. They both knew it would not be easy. She pulled him closer as he nuzzled her neck.
“I thought I could coerce my mother into giving her consent by intimating that you had taken me to your bed,” she said softly. “She became quite irate about it and threatened to turn you over to the House of de Lohr if it was true. I was therefore forced to confess that it was not even though I wish it had been.”
Gates stopped nuzzling her neck. He lifted his head, looking her in the eye. “For once in my life, I am glad it was not true.”
She wasn’t sure if she should be offended or touched. “Why?”
His brow furrowed in thought as he began to toy with a stray lock of hair on her shoulder. “I am not entirely sure I can explain it,” he said. “You are so pure and untouched and lovely… to bed you now, before we are properly wed, seems dirty and wrong on so many levels. You are not meant to be soiled before the proper time, Kathi. You are meant to be kept pure and strong, just as you are, until the day I make you my wife. I have gone my entire adult life bedding women on my whim, using them to satisfy something inside of me that I could not quite comprehend. It was a need of sorts, a need to be fulfilled, but no amount of sexual contact could fill it. Now… when I look at you, that part of me is at peace, anticipating the time when I will join my body with yours because I know it will be the best possible experience of what such an act is meant to be. For the first time in my life, I will be demonstrating my feelings for a woman and not simply satisfying my male lust. Does that make any sense?”
Kathalin was listening closely. “It does,” she said, “in a way. Marriage is meant to be consummated and in our case
, because we love each other.”
She didn’t really understand what he was saying and he shrugged. “Sort of,” he said. “When I finally take you, it will be the ultimate demonstration of my love. I have never done that before, with anyone.”
She grinned. “Nor have I.”
He laughed softly. “That is well and good,” he said, gazing into her eyes. “I am looking forward to that moment more than you know.”
Her body tightened around him, her legs around his hips and her arms around his neck. “I… I would not be opposed to sampling now what is to come,” she said softly. “I give you permission to do as you will with me.”
Gates looked at her; really looked at her. It was so odd that the first reaction he had was one of refusal. He had never refused a woman’s offer in his life, yet here he was, about to refuse the offer from the woman he loved.
The only woman he should accept the offer from.
God, what is happening to me? He thought wildly, his mind whirling with inner thoughts and feelings of love and honor that he never knew he had. Thoughts of Alexander were coming to mind, thoughts of the House of de Lohr and the House of de Wolfe, and all of the complications such a thing would cause. The more he thought on it, the more confused he became. With a sigh, he unwound her legs from around his hips and set her carefully to the ground.
Kathalin sensed that something was bothering him, that something was very wrong indeed. His expression was full of distress and she peered at him as he set her down and turned away.
“What is the matter?” she asked. “What did I say to upset you?”
Gates wandered over to the wall and leaned against it, shaking his head. “It is madness, truly,” he said. “I… I am not entirely sure I can explain my thoughts but I will try. I pray you will understand my side of it.”
She was concerned. “Of course I will understand,” she said. “What is wrong?”
Again, he sighed heavily, collecting his thoughts. They were scattered and he grasped at them, trying to form a reply that would make sense to them both.
“My life has been a paradox,” he finally said. “As a warrior, I am honorable and loyal. It is very important to me to have the trust of my liege and of my men. I have built my reputation on it. But as a man off the field of battle, when it comes to women, I’ve not cultivated that same honor. I have not much cared. All I have cared about is satisfying the lust I spoke of and damn the consequences.”
Kathalin nodded patiently. “I know,” she said. “We have discussed this. I understand who you were before you met me.”
He put up a hand as if to plead her patience for what he was about to say. “With respect to women, I have never been an honorable man,” he said. “I have made promises I never intended to keep and took, from many, that which did not belong to me. Right now, by the church and laws of the country, you do not belong to me. You belong to Alex. Alex is my very dear friend, a man who is willing to make great sacrifices on my behalf, and if I sample you, as you have given me permission to do, I feel as if I am violating what belongs rightfully to Alex.”
Kathalin wasn’t quite following him. In fact, she didn’t much like what she was hearing. “What do you mean?” she asked. “You love me and I love you. Alex knows this. Why would you be violating what belongs to him?”
He exhaled sharply. “Because I would,” he said. “Kathi, think on it this way. Let’s say that I sample you, as you have called it. Let us say I have my fill of you and take from you that which a woman values most highly – your innocence – and let us say that somehow, someway, we cannot convince your parents to allow us to wed. You must wed Alex. Now, you are not pure for him because I have stolen that away. I will have taken what rightfully belonged to him. I simply could not dishonor my friend so, not when he is willing to risk everything for my happiness.”
Kathalin frowned. “What does this matter?” she asked. “If my parents do not agree to let us wed, you said that you would simply take me anyway and we would be married.”
Gates looked at her with more pain in his expression than he had ever exhibited. He had been dreading this moment, knowing that, at some point, the question would arise. He didn’t want to tell her the truth, but he had to.
“If I do that, I will shame Alex more than you can imagine,” he said hoarsely, his voice full of emotion. “He does not deserve that shame, Kathi. It is true that he is willing to give up his claim to you in order for us to be wed, and that is the most selfless thing anyone has ever done for me. Do I reward him by running away with you when your parents deny us permission to wed? Do I shame the entire House of de Lohr with my dishonorable behavior? At what point do we stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about others? As much as I do not want to see you wed to Alex, I cannot shame the man by running off with his bride, not when he has shown such selflessness towards us. Kathi, let me be an honorable man just this once by not doing something dishonorable such as running away with my friend’s bride. Let me keep my honor, just this once. Will you let me do this?”
By the time he was finished, tears were pouring down Kathalin’s face. The fact was that she understood what he was saying, very clearly, and it broke her heart.
“But…,” she wept softly, “but I do not want to marry him. I want to marry you.”
His instinct was to go to her and pull her into his arms but he fought it. “And I want to marry you,” he concurred. “But I will not do it at the risk of shaming a man who has done nothing to deserve it.”
She sobbed and hung her head. “Then you are choosing him over me.”
Gates’ guts were being twisted as he listened with pain, sorrow overwhelming him. “I am choosing honor over everything,” he said. “Kathi, for once in my life, please let me do the honorable thing. If we run away and marry and leave Alex facing such humiliation, at some point, I fear I will start to hate myself. I cannot love you with all that I am if I hate myself for what I have done. I have a few regrets in life but none would be as big, or as terrible, as this one. I could not live with myself and I would not doom you to be married to such a man.”
She shook her head, miserable. “Then you do not love me enough.”
He smiled uncomfortably, thinking that to be an entirely ludicrous statement. “I am doing this because I love you enough,” he whispered. “I will love you, and only you, until I die.”
The only reply from Kathalin was of her soft weeping. There wasn’t anything to say because, truth be told, she understood what he was saying. He had lived his entire life caring only for himself but in this instance, having been shown such generosity by Alexander, he was unwilling to show the man such terrible disrespect by stealing the man’s bride.
Aye, she understood it well.
And it was, at that moment, she knew that she would never be Gates de Wolfe’s wife.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“Alexander,” Henry said. “Jasper has told us of his conversation with you and Gates earlier in the day with regard to Lady Kathalin. We must speak on this, lad.”
Alexander knew that his father was displeased for two reasons; the man had used his full name, Alexander, and also the tone of his voice suggested he was quite unhappy. Alexander knew his father well enough to know that the situation, already, was grim.
But he remained cool in spite of it. Alexander had been summoned to the great hall by a servant who had found him in the gatehouse, telling Stephan and Tobias of the situation with Gates. He felt that he had to because, sooner or later, the situation might get volatile and it was unfair for Stephan and Tobias not to know what was going on. Alexander explained the circumstances simply – that he had been betrothed to Lady Kathalin but that Gates and the lady were in love. Of course, Stephan didn’t believe that Gates was truly in love with the woman and Tobias seemed rather fearful of the entire situation. It was then that the soldier appeared and Alexander made haste for the great hall.
Now, he stood in front of his parents and in front of Jasper in the col
d and nearly-empty hall, seeing three very upset expressions before him. Rather than take a verbal beating from his parents, who were quite capable of such a thing, Alexander decided to take the offensive. He felt as if he had little choice.
“So now you know,” he said, refusing to sit at the table as the other three were. He liked the position of power, which is what standing over them gave him. “Gates is in love with Lady Kathalin and she is in love with him. Love is not a crime, Papa, but marrying a woman who is in love with another man does a disservice to us all. Why is that so hard to understand?”
Henry scratched his head, grunting with annoyance at his son’s attitude, but it was Elreda who spoke.
“Alexander, we do understand,” she said. “We understand that you are trying to do something noble for Gates. But you seriously cannot believe that he is in love with a woman. How many women has he known since you have been his friend? And how many women has he believed himself in love with?”
“None,” Alexander fired back softly, looking seriously at his mother. “That is why this is so important, Mother. Gates has never, since I have known him, expressed feelings for a woman. I cannot stress this enough. But he has expressed them for Kathalin and I cannot, in good conscience, marry the woman. How unfair would that be to us? She would be pining over a lost love and I would have a wife who wanted nothing to do with me.”
Elreda, who wanted her son married more than anyone else did, understood the situation more than she let on. There had been a young nobleman back in her youth whom she had fancied herself in love with until her father, a Saxon prince, had married her into the powerful English de Lohr family. She’d forgotten about her lost love, eventually, but it had been a very difficult time. Now, listening to her son, she could fully sympathize with what he was saying.
“It would be difficult at first, I agree,” she said softly. “But you and the lady would come back to live at Lioncross. You would serve your father and you would not see Gates, and neither would the lady. It would be easier to forget that way.”
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