by Piper Lawson
I squeezed my eyes tight.
“No.” Yes. “I won’t pretend to understand why you did what you did. But it’s just another reason I need to focus on my work. I can’t have any distractions and I should have stopped anything between us before it started. This fall was …” Amazing. “… a mistake. We both need to focus, you need to keep your scholarship and I need to finish my courses and launch the line.”
“Don’t do this, Lex. Don’t push me away before you let me explain. Not when we’ve just gotten back on track. You need to know how I—”
“You know what I don’t get? You kept saying I was afraid to let people in. To risk being hurt and be seen to be vulnerable. I was ready to, for you, but all along you were getting ready to hurt me.
“This is good, Dylan. Really. I needed it to bring me back to reality.” Even though my heart was cracking I had to get through this. Refused to break until I did. “There was never any chance for us, was there?”
Dylan said, “No matter how this started off, it’s real now. It’s real for me. You’re lying if you say it isn’t real for you.”
“Yeah, well, you also didn’t tell me you were trying to shut Ava and I down before we’d even begun. That you were sabotaging us from the beginning.”
Silence echoed down the line. I heard him breathe in. “You’re right. But—”
“I don’t want your excuses, Dylan. You’ve played me enough.”
I hit END and flopped back onto the bed on which I’d spent a good part of the last twelve hours already.
I’d just bumped Jake from his post as Worst Phone Breakup in History.
It seemed reasonable, given my life had come crashing down around me, to allow myself a period of wallowing.
I stumbled downstairs, my first time leaving the suite since I’d arrived this morning, and found the small hotel store open in the lobby. First thing that’s gone right for me all day. The freezer proved fruitful and after paying for a pint of Half Baked ice cream I stumbled back up to my room only to realize I was too far gone for even Ben or Jerry to save me. I watched it melt on my bedside table while my brain endlessly replayed the past day.
Somehow sleep found me for a few hours, but I was awake before the alarm went off at 5:00 a.m. Time to get it together.
Today I would face work.
Chapter 30
I arrived at Kirsten’s partially open door three hours later with a pit in my stomach. I smoothed invisible wrinkles from my black skirt then knocked. If only it were as easy to calm the mess of my mind at that moment.
All morning I’d wondered what you were supposed to wear when you went to grovel, and landed on something akin to funeral chic. The sleek skirt and black shell matched my mood.
I was half wishing the floor would open up and swallow me whole before she turned around. No such luck.
Kirsten’s eyes betrayed no hint of emotion when she saw me. “Alexis.” Her voice was just as flat. “Come in.”
I sat in the chair across from hers and she closed the door behind me before taking her own seat. When she did, she leaned forward.
“What happened yesterday?” Kirsten asked without preamble.
I told her about the battery dying on my phone overnight, not the part about my best friend finding out about me and her brother.
Despite me trying to keep it professional, my voice cracked as I spoke. “I’m so sorry, Kirsten. I knew yesterday I’d screwed this up, and I should have come to you then, but I thought I could figure out what to do. But I guess I still don’t know.”
She looked at me a long time before responding. It looked like she was trying to decide something. Whether it was to fire me or chastise me, I didn’t know. When she finally spoke, she sighed. “Alexis, this is a hard business. I know moving a meeting last minute that’s been on the books for months isn’t an entirely reasonable request. But this isn’t a reasonable industry. Fashion doesn’t give many second chances.”
I could tell where this was going.
“Many people go their whole careers without getting first chances. This was yours.” Kirsten paused, tapped a long finger on the corner of her desk. I wondered absently if she’d ever played piano. This was what my mind did when it felt like a bomb had gone off in it.
“I don’t know what to say.” I tried honesty. “You went out on a limb for me when you didn’t have to. I repaid you by not showing up.”
Somehow I felt even worse than last night, though I hadn’t thought that was possible. The pit in my stomach had grown, and it felt like my internal organs were falling into it one by one.
Kirsten’s eyes were intense on mine. I had to look away for a moment, and my gaze landed on the floor. A far more comfortable place to look. Grow up and take responsibility. I forced myself to look back at her.
Kirsten’s eyes had softened slightly. “Alexis. You work harder than almost anyone I know. You’re here before everyone and long after. You are a smart girl and you have a good heart.” She smiled.
“Despite juggling classes, you were so focused on finishing your business plan. On doing it right.”
But it didn’t matter, because I’d botched it all in the end.
I felt like a child, completely unable to deal with the repercussions of my actions. “I don’t know what to …” I gestured helplessly. “I know I can’t fix this. But please tell me I can someday make this up to you. Somehow.”
“I understand how much this label means to you. And you’ve put in the hard work so far to get there, and I believe you have what it takes to see this through.” She sighed. “Which is why I’m going to find another time you can pitch.”
A big breath whooshed into my lungs. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Ava showed the designs, and I took the liberty of sharing the draft you’d sent me last month. While Ava still couldn’t answer any hard questions about the business plan, I think the clothes and the draft piqued their interest. I’ll find another time next month when you can present the business plan step by step and answer questions by teleconference from California.”
I felt like an anvil had lifted off my chest. There hadn’t been many second chances for me—this was the one I needed. “That’s amazing. Thank you, Kirsten. Thank you so much for believing in me. I promise I won’t let you down.” I felt instantly lighter.
But I was determined not to let this pass me by.
She smiled. “Now get back to work. We only have you for two weeks and I don’t want to waste a second of your time. Go see Sheila about those accounts for the March campaign.”
I felt like I’d dodged a bullet and wanted to dance out of Kirsten’s office. I’d just had a giant reality check and was determined not to ignore it.
Chapter 31
After the initial high wore off, reality set in as I worked hard at my desk the rest of the day. It had been less than two days since I’d been on cloud nine the whole night with Dylan, and the morning after. Now one harsh lesson later, I knew I’d been right all along—letting a guy interfere with the most important thing in my world was a recipe for disaster. And heartache.
Dylan rang twice. I didn’t answer either time and he didn’t leave a message. Half of me hoped he would just so that I could hear his voice. But falling for a guy and getting my heart broken was the exact reason I’d set out to avoid guys like the plague this year. Any subsequent fallout was my own damn fault.
I forced myself to get things together and take stock. The chips were still down—I had the interview but didn’t know if I had a partner anymore. Our relationship was so badly undermined it made perfect sense if Ava didn’t trust me again. And as much as I hated to admit it, everything with Dylan had completely shaken me. I’d let myself care more than I ever thought I would. That was going to take a while to fix. And I didn’t even know how to go about starting.
I’d start by throwing myself into magazine work for the rest of my trip. No more week off. Though the offices were closed the next morning for Christmas Eve, I took my wo
rk to a coffee shop and continued until they kicked me out at five. Sent a record of eight straight emails only to receive an automated out-of-office response to each one because apparently no one else was working.
Christmas morning it snowed. It had to be a sign of better things to come.
I got a coffee and sat outside Rockefeller Center by the giant tree, watching families and couples skate. Then I went home and made myself pancakes from a box in my hotel room and put on some festive music before resuming updating client lists for the March issue.
Was it pathetic? Sure. But keeping busy helped me avoid thinking about my life.
My mom and Grant skyped me around noon. “Merry Christmas, Alexis. We have your gift here—you’ll need to pick it up sometime.” Grant and Chelsea shared their holiday wishes too.
“Merry Christmas,” I added after a beat. As much as I never loved these forced family reunions, my heart wasn’t in it this time. My mom’s face shifted.
“Grant, Chelsea, why don’t you go check on breakfast?” She suggested. They walked out of the room.
“Alexis, something’s wrong.” I guess crying for several days straight took a toll. No amount of toner could fix that puffiness. “How did the interview go?”
“It was great.” I started lying before my brain even caught up. When I did, it was obvious that this was a silly reaction. After everything that had happened, what did it matter what my mom thought? She viewed me as a failure and a cause of grief. But that wasn’t going to change, and she was thousands of miles away.
Suddenly my non-relationship with my mom felt like the least of my problems.
“You know, Mom, I missed the interview. I just didn’t show up at all. Because I was out with a guy, actually. The good news: I’m a failure, just like you always thought.”
Mom looked like she’d swallowed a jar of chiles whole. “Alexis, I never said you were a failure.”
“You did. For years. And guess what, you were right. Now Ava’s not talking to me, I messed up my career, and … well. Basically my whole life imploded in about forty-eight hours. You might find this hard to believe, but things were actually going pretty well until a week ago.”
Mom started to protest and I stopped her.
“Please don’t. Not today. I can’t take the disappointed remarks. Can you just hold it for a while? You can let it all out next week.”
She paused for a moment as if trying to absorb all of this information. Her brow furrowed. “Alexis, I have no idea where all this is coming from. But why don’t you come home for a little while before you head back to school.”
I opened my mouth to say no, but was surprised to realize part of me wanted to. As bad as it might be there, it couldn’t be worse than the way I was feeling right now. “Alright,” I said in a small voice.
The next day I was back to work at the magazine. I worked my tail off, needing to prove myself and trying not to contemplate how everyone I cared about had either betrayed me or been betrayed by me. New Year’s Eve in New York was pointless without Ava, so I stayed in my hotel room. After an intolerable two weeks, I was ready to go home.
Mom, Grant, and Chelsea all picked me up at the airport. It wasn’t the warmest family reunion. But Mom didn’t mention my outburst and it was appreciated.
I wasn’t sure what to do with myself for a week. The business plan was done, but I didn’t even know if it had all been for nothing if Ava didn’t forgive me. So the first two days were spent acclimatizing to the new house, helping Mom choose colors and accessories for the new spare room—which was mine by default while I visited—and looking up my courses for next semester.
The third day back, Mom approached me to talk. For some reason Dylan’s words about family echoed in my head. So I tried.
“I don’t know why our relationship is so strained, Alexis. You never call, never come home.”
“It’s hard. Ever since Dad left you’ve blamed me. You don’t want me here.”
She looked at me like I’d slapped her. “That’s untrue.”
I was tired. Of all of it. “It is true. For years you acted like it was my fault that he left. And it’s not OK. But it is what it is.”
This seemed to set her back a minute.
“I just want you to be successful, Alexis. I don’t want you to regret your choices.”
I sighed. “Sure, Mom.” I tried to put words together. “This label, with Ava—I want it more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I can understand if you don’t support it, but please don’t try to get in my way.” There were already too many people doing that. “I need this.”
She looked at me like she was trying to understand, but I could see that she didn’t. I didn’t fit into her neat and tidy world. So she stood up and walked to the door, gently closing it behind her.
---
“Alexis, you have a visitor,” Mom called up one morning.
Walking downstairs toward the door felt a bit like déjà vu. Ava was standing there stiffly but far less upset than she’d been in New York.
“Lex. Hi.”
“Hi.” It wasn’t clear what she wanted.
“How was your Christmas?”
“Shitty.”
We stood in silence for a moment. I decided to extend an olive branch. Even money on whether it would come back in one piece or get fed through the wood chipper.
“Kirsten said I could repitch the plan. If you still want me to.”
Ava’s face scrunched up. “Lex, of course I do. I shouldn’t have exploded the way I did in New York. I just felt so betrayed. What Dylan did hurt, and then you’d been with him and trying to cover up …”
I felt something in my chest loosen. I took advantage of the slight opening she’d just given me.
“I get it. Believe me. That’s why I didn’t tell you. Which is a crappy reason, I know, but still. I never meant for it to happen, any of it. I’m so sorry. Can we just talk? Figure this out?”
Ava nodded and we hugged, tears running down both our cheeks. She looked around like she’d only just realized where we were.
“What the hell are you doing here? You’ve never spent time at home over break. I almost didn’t believe it when Chelsea told me you were here.”
“I guess I just needed somewhere to go. Mom’s been trying to be good about it.”
She looked skeptical. Not my mom’s biggest fan. “Still. Come home. We’ll catch up and eat ice cream.”
I mustered a smile. “That would be great.”
Chapter 32
The new school semester provided additional distraction. Classes felt easier than they had in the fall term. But it could just be the renewed vigor and single-mindedness with which I approached them.
I spent more time with Ava, our roommates, my other friends.
I was glad to be back in a good place with Ava and didn’t want to disrupt it by asking about Dylan, so I waited to see if she would volunteer anything. She didn’t.
The last week of January involved me skipping two classes. It was a rare occasion but entirely justified: that was when Kirsten had rescheduled the pitch.
I shared the business plan on Skype with Kirsten plus four other well-dressed New Yorkers that ranged in age from about thirty to sixty. The whole presentation, which had taken me months to assemble and tweak, was over in about ten minutes.
Then there were a few questions, and we hung up.
The longest wait of my life ensued. For fifteen minutes, I paced my room. Ava wasn’t a pacer, so she settled for chewing her fingernails. We exchanged nervous glances but no words, watching as the clock moved at a snail’s pace. We both jumped when Kirsten rang again on Skype.
“Here’s the verdict. Everyone thought you did a great job. Lisa and Jeff are excited about the line. And I want to help too.” Lisa was an investor who could actually help get us off the ground. Jeff was an editor at the top U.S. major fashion magazine.
“I think we could make this work and even move up the timing you suggested. Launch this yea
r with a fall collection.” I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it didn’t. My head was spinning. It was really happening. “You should continue at the magazine after you graduate this summer, but only part time,” Kirsten was continuing. “I’ll have you working more closely with other brand managers to see what they do.”
“I don’t know what to say.” I was floored. “Thank you.”
“But there are a few things you need to do. If you want to be on the shelves in LA in eight months, you need to start meeting with retailers. The fall collection has to be ready to go by March with samples. I’ll send you a list of manufacturers that might work with a new label. Call them now.”
Ava was bouncing on the bed like a four year old. Thankfully, she wasn’t in the video frame.
“I’ll also send you Lisa’s email and you can discuss with her an initial investment. The numbers we talked about should be fine. At the start if you keep things bare-bones most of your cost will be production and marketing.”
“We can leverage it against some other seed funding.” My mom had offered a modest but important loan to help get us off the ground. It had been unexpectedly thoughtful.
Once I hung up with Kirstin the hugging and squealing ensued.
It felt surreal. Our dream, cooked up years before by two eighteen-year-old girls lying by the pool at midnight, was going to come true.
I wanted to tell the world. Shout it from the rooftops, tell my mom, my dad—wherever he was. Tell everyone who didn’t believe in me.
Most of all I wanted to tell Dylan. But I couldn’t, and realizing it made a piece of my heart break all over again. It was the best day of my life. But it was bittersweet.
Chapter 33
We’d had the green light to start working on distribution for Travesty for barely a month, and my Fridays and weekends were filled with visiting boutiques in LA. Ava and I tried to go together, but sometimes only one of us could. So far it’d been harder than I’d imagined and my enthusiasm was waning after we went zero for four. The lone upside was that it had given me a crash course in merchandising. I had learned more than one could ever wish to about consignment, wholesaling, and keystoning.
