Just as he was about to turn to run away, Jacob saw Mick Cracken. He had reached the clearing. Mick stared at his defaced ship for a few seconds with his hands on his hips. Then he whipped his head around and looked into the forest. He spotted Jacob and they locked eyes.
Mick looked completely, utterly furious.
But Jacob knew he was impressed.
By the time the second Battle Supreme arrived, eleven Earth days into the election, the Wonderbar and Cracken campaigns had settled into a virtual tie in the polls. Sarah was still wildly popular after her speech to the Astrals, but Jacob’s prank had been viewed as a stroke of genius, and Sarah and Mick were clinging to the smallest of leads going into the final week of the campaign.
Sarah knew she had to beat Catalina in the vice presidential battle in order to give her campaign an edge. Not that she needed extra motivation to beat Princess Twinkle Toes at anything.
The ballroom on Planet Royale hushed as the event was about to begin. Sarah and Catalina were sitting in large chairs on the dais. Sarah looked out and spotted the king, his hands clasped in contemplation. She wondered what he was thinking of all of this.
Sarah cleared her throat and said to Catalina, “You are the film that forms on the walls of a shower after several weeks of use.”
It wasn’t her best insult, but she was just warming up. The Election Council seemed mildly impressed and gave her a 6.5. The Cracken/Daisy supporters clapped politely in response, and a few jeered at the judges for not sufficiently rewarding the disgustingness of shower film.
The purpose of the second Battle Supreme was to show Astrals who would be the very best vice president by way of an insult contest. Mick had explained to Sarah that since the president couldn’t very well go around telling people off and still seem presidential, it would be up to the vice president to get down in the muck and insult the people who needed insulting, mock the people who needed mocking, and possibly throw a nice solid temper tantrum every now and then for good measure. Sarah could hardly contain her glee at the thought of spending an afternoon criticizing Princess Catalina.
Princess Catalina batted her eyelashes and leaned in toward Sarah. “Your clothes are at least three seasons out of style,” she said, barely adding any disdain in her voice.
Sarah grimaced and scanned the crowd until she found Jacob Wonderbar, who ran a hand through his hair and appeared thoroughly disappointed with Princess Catalina’s attempt at an insult. The Election Council gave her a 3.
Sarah leaned in for her next attempt. “I would rather step in gum on a dirty street, peel it off my shoe, place it in my mouth, chew, and swallow than spend one minute in the same room with you.”
The crowd “Oohed” appreciatively. Sarah was particularly fond of that insult because it was completely true. The Election Council gave her an 8.
Princess Catalina punched Sarah in the arm playfully. “Oh Sarah, you’re my funniest friend,” she said.
The Election Council looked at each other in confusion before giving her a 0.5. Sarah wasn’t even sure where the half of a point came from.
“Um,” Sarah said, trying to regain her footing. It was not easy insulting someone who wasn’t putting up a fight. “Um. You’re… I mean… You smell like a red-butted baboon who just…” Catalina was beaming innocently at Sarah, and she found it wildly unnerving. “Who just took a bath in a steaming pile of baby diapers.”
The council awarded Sarah a 6, which she attributed to her imperfect delivery.
Catalina smiled. “You’re almost but not quite as pretty as me.”
Sarah frowned as the council gave Catalina a 3. Sarah had no idea what Catalina was up to, but Sarah was on the verge of winning the second Battle Supreme, and there was no stopping her now. No one would doubt that she would be the better vice president. She could insult with the best of them, which perfectly complemented her “aw shucks” Earther girl routine. In just over a week she had gone from anonymous Earth kid and Jacob Wonderbar afterthought to one of the most popular people in the entire universe. She was going to save her planet and make the universe a better place. She looked out at Mick, who was smiling faintly and pumping his fist slowly in appreciation of her talents.
Sarah darted her eyes at Catalina and readied her finest salvo. “You’re so ugly, when you tried to kiss a frog to turn him into a prince he said, ‘Ugh! No thanks, I’d rather be a frog.’”
There was a roaring ovation, and Sarah raised her hands in glee when she saw her score: 9.5.
Princess Catalina kept beaming. Technically she had one last insult remaining, but there was no way she could catch up to Sarah. Catalina smiled and said, “Jacob Wonderbar would rather spend time with me than a silly little Earther girl like you. And that’s why he dumped you.”
Sarah’s jaw clenched, and she felt her face grow very warm. “At least I’m not a conceited alien!” she snapped. After a few gasps and shrieks, the room fell completely, uncomfortably silent. Sarah looked around in confusion. Mick had crouched down on the ground and was covering his eyes in agony. People looked at her as if she had just sprouted a second head.
“What?” Sarah asked.
For the briefest, tiniest of moments, Sarah saw a look pass across Princess Catalina’s face that showed unbridled triumph at what Sarah had just said, her joy plain and unmistakable. And in that split second Sarah knew she had been suckered. She remembered that shocked look on Catalina’s face when she had called her an alien on Planet Headline and she suddenly realized that Catalina must have planned this moment all along.
Princess Catalina’s face contorted into a mask of pain and anguish. She summoned tears, pressed her face into her hands, and wailed, “How dare you, Sarah Daisy?”
The uncomfortable silence in the ballroom stretched on. Princess Catalina peeled her hands from her face, and Sarah could tell she was trying not to smile.
“How dare you.”
This is amazing! This is amazing! This is amazing!” Catalina skipped around Praiseworthy, tossing pillows into the air and dancing. She ran over to Jacob and hugged him and didn’t even seem to care that he bristled and didn’t hug her back. “Did you hear what she called me? It’s amazing!”
Jacob scratched his chin and tried to make sense of what was happening. “I mean… I heard her call you a conceited alien.”
“Oh dearest me, Master Wonderbar!” Praiseworthy gasped. “I wish you wouldn’t use such filthy language aboard my ship.”
Catalina pranced over to Jacob and threw a jeweled necklace around his neck. “The A-word is the gravest insult you can ever call an Astral. We hate that word. We’re people, not al… well, you know. And now everyone is going to be so upset with Sarah for calling me that, we have the election in the bag. Jakey, isn’t this great?”
Jacob took off the necklace and sat down in the captain’s chair. He was feeling very tired, and even though the election was just four Earth days away, it felt like an eternity. They had been in space for almost two weeks, and he missed his mom and wanted to sleep in his own bed. Sunday Family Bonding Night and his mom’s sketchy cooking didn’t even seem like such a bad thing, and he wished he could just call her and say hello and chat for a little while.
Dexter walked into the cockpit, holding Rufus by the hand. From the ruckus in the rear of the ship, it sounded like the monkeys were thoroughly enjoying the Planet Royale chef’s latest banana creation.
“What’s the deal with all this ‘alien’ stuff?” Dexter asked.
“Master Goldstein!” Praiseworthy exclaimed. “You too?! Galloping grasshoppers, this ship might as well be a saloon.”
“This ‘A’ stuff is only the best thing that has ever happened to our campaign!” Catalina said. “This will go down as one of the greatest gaffes in history!”
Jacob looked at Dexter and shook his head in confusion. Astrals had long since stopped making sense to him.
“But you’re not even upset,” Jacob said. “How could this be so bad if she didn’t even make you a
ngry? It’s not like she knew what that word meant.”
Catalina gave Jacob a very patient smile. “Jakey, don’t you see? I’m going to go on all the interviews on ANN and look upset and cry and talk about what a horrible insult this is. I might even demand an apology.” She had a dreamy smile, but then seemed to change her mind and shook her head. “No. First I’ll talk about how upset I am and how I want the whole thing to just blow over for the good of Earther/Astral relations. Then when things start to die down I’ll demand an apology. Then if she apologizes I’ll say her apology isn’t good enough and that I just feel so bad for my fellow Astrals for having to endure such a horrible insult. Because she didn’t just upset me, she upset all Astrals.”
Jacob stared at Catalina incredulously. “But you’re not upset!”
Catalina put her hands on her hips. “Jacob Wonderbar, I hardly see how that is relevant. This was a gift! Sarah Daisy just handed us the election in a nice, sweet little filthy-worded box. Here’s what you need to do. You need to denounce her and stand firm to show that not all Earthers are Astral-haters.”
“I’m not going to denounce her! You know she didn’t mean it that way. How was she supposed to know that the worst word you can say in outer space is ‘alien’?”
“Oh!” Praiseworthy exclaimed. “Oh, I’m feeling faint.”
Catalina’s eyes narrowed. Jacob glanced quickly at Dexter, who sat straight up, alarmed that Catalina was at last showing an emotion that resembled anger.
“Well, Jacob Wonderbar,” she muttered through clenched teeth. “And here I thought you wanted to win this election.”
“I do!”
“Do you? Do you, Jacob?” she shrieked. “Or are your feelings for your blondie Earther girl going to stand in the way of us winning? Us, Jacob? You and me?”
Jacob saw that tears were forming in Catalina’s eyes, and a part of him was actually glad that she was finally standing up for herself and being honest about her feelings.
But the more he thought about it, the more he knew he was right.
The truth was that he did care more about Sarah Daisy than winning the election. He couldn’t bring himself to betray her, no matter how important it was and how much he had put into the election. Catalina knew Sarah didn’t mean it, Catalina wasn’t really hurt by it, and Jacob wasn’t going to pretend any differently. He was going to win by doing things his own way.
“You can say what you want,” Jacob said. “You can do all the interviews you want and cry all you want and drag her through the mud. But I want no part of this alien business.”
“Master Wonderbar!” Praiseworthy exclaimed.
“Sorry! I won’t say it again.”
“No, not that. We’re under attack!”
Sarah stared at the wreckage of her political career, which came to her in the form of a video chart on board Mick Jr.
Five percent. Only five percent of Astrals still liked her. Only five percent of Astrals believed she wasn’t a horrible person just because she said a word that she had no idea was considered a grave insult in outer space. Never mind that she had been engaged in an insult competition at the time she said it. No. Somehow she had gone too far. One word was enough to upend everything she had worked so hard to achieve. No one stopped to think that maybe she hadn’t meant it that way or that maybe she just didn’t know any better or that maybe she was still the same person they had liked a lot right up until that moment and that nothing had really changed.
And they had really liked her! She thought back to standing in front of a cheering mob on Stupendia and feeling the energy of the crowd and seeing that love. She wanted it back, so unbelievably badly.
More importantly, she had let her entire planet down. The Astrals already thought Earth was dangerous and hostile, and she had confirmed their worst fears. She had been so close to showing them that Earthers were great too.
But it was all gone. All because of one word.
Mick came up alongside her and stared at the numbers, holding his chin in his hand.
“Mick,” Sarah said. “You know I didn’t mean anything by that… that word…”
Mick didn’t look at her, but nodded faintly. “I know.”
“It was just a word! How was I supposed to know it would make everyone so upset?”
“You couldn’t have,” he said quietly.
She had done so much for his campaign and had technically won the second Battle Supreme. If she hadn’t let that stupid princess get to her, she could have just gone on her way and basked in a big victory. Instead her entire reputation in outer space was in tatters. She pulled out her Telly and thought about turning on ANN to see what they were saying about her, but she wasn’t sure if she could bear it.
She looked at Mick and she felt so desperate for him to reassure her that it was going to be fine and that people would see the real her again, and not some cartoon of a person who hates Astrals and uses bad words.
“Mick, you really know I don’t hate Astrals, right? I didn’t mean it…” Her nerves felt so frayed, she was on the verge of tears.
Mick stared at her for a moment with a grim expression. “Look. It’s going to be fine. We’re going to have a press conference, and I’m going to stand beside you. Okay? This will all blow over. I still plan on winning this election.”
Sarah nodded without saying anything. She knew it would be fine eventually. Even when she did horrible things to her sister The Brat and felt badly about it afterward, eventually they forgave each other and moved on. Bad times always felt like they’d never end, but after enough time passes, they finally do. They always do. She would apologize sincerely, and they’d all move on. It would be fine.
“Okay.” Sarah nodded. “I think that’s a good idea.”
Mick took out his Telly and showed it to Sarah. “You ready?”
Sarah felt her knees go weak, but she knew she could get through it. “Yes, I’m ready.”
Mick accepted an incoming conference call on his Telly and suddenly there were reporters all around them. “Mr. Cracken! Ms. Daisy!” they shouted in a jumble.
Mick held up his hand for calm. Eventually the reporters stopped shouting, and he began to speak.
“This has been a difficult time for our campaign, as I’m sure you know. I promised the world a dramatic campaign, but this isn’t quite the drama we expected.”
Sarah’s heart sank at Mick’s beginning. She hadn’t intended to cause any drama at all. She just wanted people to like her.
Mick continued, “My running mate is a good person. A very good person. She has taught me a lot about how to run a good campaign, and I think it’s safe to say that this campaign wouldn’t have been as successful without her. She tells me that she did not know that the A-word is a grave insult to Astrals, and I believe her. Sarah Daisy would never do anything to hurt this campaign or the Astrals she cares so much about. She wants to do what’s best for the Mick Cracken campaign and for the Astral nation as a whole.”
Sarah blinked through tears and tried to smile at Mick. She was immensely grateful to hear those words.
“And that is why she will be leaving the Mick Cracken campaign, effective immediately. She is no longer my running mate. That is all.”
Sarah’s jaw dropped. “What?!” she shrieked. The reporters all started shouting questions simultaneously, and there was a great deal of commotion.
Mick said, “Sarah, don’t…”
“You said you’d defend me!”
Mick shook his head. He whispered, “I said I’d stand beside you. And, well, technically we are standing beside each other.”
Sarah tried to say something but couldn’t find the words.
“You’re out,” Mick said.
Jacob scanned the monitors and saw the Valkyrians gaining on Praiseworthy with their three eagle-shaped ships. They hadn’t fired any shots… yet.
He gave Catalina, Dexter, and Rufus a grim smile to help them be brave. Rufus chirped with worry.
“Praisewo
rthy, can you outrun them?” Jacob asked.
“Master Wonderbar, if I did not already think so highly of you, I might be offended by that question. I assure you it will not be a problem.”
Space blurred as Praiseworthy shifted into high gear, and Jacob breathed a sigh of relief. The Valky-rians should have known better than to try and stop Praiseworthy, one of the fastest ships in the universe.
A light on the console flashed red. “Praiseworthy, what’s that light?” Jacob asked.
Praiseworthy gasped. “How dare they! They’re shooting me with a…”
The ship shook with a mighty heave, and sparks flew from the console. “What happened?” Dexter asked.
Praiseworthy came to a stop, and then they started speeding backward, directly toward the Valkyrians.
“Stop! Praiseworthy, stop!” Jacob shouted.
“Praiseworthy!” Catalina said. “What are you doing?”
“Bolt backward a with me shot they!” Praiseworthy shouted.
The children looked around at one another frantically. “What?!” Catalina asked.
“Bolt backward! Me shot they!” Praiseworthy shouted.
“That doesn’t make any sense!” Catalina cried. “You shot them with what?”
Jacob checked the monitors, and the Valkyrians were dangerously close now that Praiseworthy was heading in reverse. It dawned on him what was happening. “Backward bolt! Praiseworthy’s talking backward, they shot him with a backward bolt! It’s making him go backward!”
“Happened what exactly that’s! Wonderbar Master you thank!” Praiseworthy shouted.
“What are we going to do?” Catalina asked.
Jacob stared at the console. He knew what he had to do. If Praiseworthy was out of commission, he had to fly the ship. Someone had to get them going in the right direction.
Only the last time he took control of a ship, he ended up breaking the universe in a giant space kapow. His heart pounded in his chest, but he knew he had to overcome his fears and fly the ship.
Jacob Wonderbar for President of the Universe Page 11
