by Ali Parker
I followed, accepting my coffee cup and taking a seat next to him. “I haven’t known how to, ah, talk to anyone lately.”
“Andrew. It’s fine.” He took a careful sip of his coffee and watched me over the lid. I cringed. Was he here to lecture me about breaking up with Lanie?
Well, he could save his breath, because I’d already given myself enough grief about that over the last four days. So many times, I’d thought about calling her, but I always stopped myself. I’d done the right thing. Having qualms about my decision would only further distract me.
“How is she?” Bob asked.
I looked down at my coffee. “The same.”
“Lanie said it looks good, though. She’ll wake up.”
“That’s what they say.”
Bob sighed. “Do you need anything?”
“No.” I made myself smile at him. “Thanks. I’ve taken off work for a while, and Karen has everything under control at home, so all there is to do is wait.”
He frowned and nodded. “You let me know if you need anything, all right? I mean that.”
Emotion clogged my throat. “I know. Thank you.”
“I had my car detailed down the street, so I thought I’d stop by and see if I could find you here. I haven’t heard from you or Lanie all week.”
I stared at him. Had he not spoken with his daughter at all? Did that mean he didn’t know we’d broken up?
I gulped and busied myself with taking a sip of coffee. How would Bob react once he found out I’d hurt Lanie? Especially after all the fighting I’d put into making our relationship work the month before?
Whatever his reaction, I decided, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t be concerned with others right then. It was Raven and no one else.
Bob checked his watch. “I need to get home. Call me whenever you want.”
I nodded, grateful that he left so quickly I didn’t have to say anything. I was sapped of everything, energy, words. Every morning, I woke up, showered, and drove to the hospital. All day long, I sat with Raven.
Jason and Karen had come by a couple times, but I turned down everyone else’s requests, including my parents’ offers to fly into town. This was my burden, and I didn’t want to share it with too many people. At night, I did what I could to get some rest. Alcohol, over-the-counter sleeping aids.
Nothing fully helped. No matter what, the same ache still filled my belly. Until Raven woke up, I was alone.
Hauling my ass out of the waiting room, I made my way back to the ICU. I knew all the nurses by now, and the one behind the desk buzzed me in as I approached.
Holding my breath, I slipped into Raven’s room. Each time I entered, I allowed myself to get up a little hope. That day, that moment, it could always be the one in which she woke up.
Easing into the chair next to her bed, I took a look around for something to read to her. I’d already gone through a whole vampire teen novel, despite the fact that about half of it made me want to throw up.
Picking up The Wall Street Journal, I remembered the teen magazine Lanie had brought in. Even if I could find it, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to read it. That would remind me too much of her.
Outside the window, snow came down in thick blobs. What day was it? I knew it was Wednesday, but I’d lost track of the dates. All I knew was the holidays were on the way. The wreaths, red bows, and Christmas songs filling the hospital’s lobby told me that.
But I knew nothing else. The world outside of the hospital no longer existed.
I sure could use a Christmas miracle right about now.
Pressing my lips together, I looked away from the window. I didn’t believe in that shit. Christmas was a time as normal as any other.
Flipping to a random article in The Wall Street Journal, I started reading. “The number of deals in November that were struck broke records. The most notable deal, as the general consensus sees it, has to be that of—”
“That’s boring.”
I froze, holding my breath, staring at Raven. She didn’t move a hair.
Had I just imagined she said something? My jaw set tight. Was I losing my fucking mind over here?
And then: “It’s boring, Dad,” Raven murmured, her voice hoarse and low. Her head moved the slightest bit to the side.
Euphoria rose in my chest, filling me up until I was exploding, leaping from my chair, lunging toward the bed.
“Raven,” I gasped, crouched at her bedside. I rested my hand lightly on hers. “Raven, can you hear me?”
She clenched her closed eyes tighter and groaned. My heart fluttered wildly as I pressed the button to call for the nurse.
“She talked!” I nearly yelled the second the nurse appeared.
The woman’s eyes went wide. “She did?”
“Yes! I was reading to her, and she said it was boring!”
The nurse came to Raven’s bedside. “Honey, can you hear me?”
Raven’s eyes slowly fluttered open. Her eyebrows pinched together, and she blinked as she stared at the nurse. “Yeah,” she slowly said.
Her voice was gravelly and uncertain, but it was hers. Raven was awake.
“I’ll get Doctor Matthews,” the nurse said.
I could only nod. Tears filled my eyes, and I pressed my fist against my mouth.
Raven turned her face to me as the nurse left the room. “Dad.”
“Yeah.” I bent next to her bed. “It’s me. How are you feeling?”
“Crappy.”
I laughed, and it almost turned into a sob, but I swallowed that down. I needed to stay upbeat for her. Everything from now on was for her.
“Where’s Jason?”
“He’s at school. He’s fine. He just has a broken arm.”
“Oh.”
“You remember what happened?”
Before she could answer, Doctor Matthews entered, Raven’s nurse and a second nurse on her heels. I stepped back, but when all three of them got between me and Raven, I edged my way to the other side of her bed.
“Raven, do you know where you are?” the doctor asked, shining a small flashlight in her eyes.
“Seems like the hospital,” Raven croaked.
“And do you know what happened?”
“Yeah, there was a car accident with my friend.”
“Great.” Doctor Matthews straightened up and caught my eyes. “It’s good that she remembers so much. It’s a good sign there might be no lasting brain damage. We’ll have to do some tests, though.”
I nodded and pressed closer to Raven’s bedside, not planning on leaving her for a minute.
The barrage of tests seemed to take forever. By the time it was all over, Raven sat up in bed and carefully sipped water from a cup. As she brought the rim to her lips, her hand shook, and I stepped forward to help steady the cup.
“I feel really stiff,” she said, handing me the cup.
“It’s okay. They said that’s normal.”
She looked around the room. “How long was I asleep for?”
“About a week and a half.”
“Oh.” She blinked, seeming dazed.
“Did you hear me talking to you when you were …” I didn’t want to finish the sentence. Now that Raven was awake, I didn’t want to hear the word “coma” ever again.
She twisted her lips. “Um, maybe? I think. I think I heard Jason and Lanie.” She shook her head. “I don’t know. Maybe they were dreams. But it just feels like I overslept.”
“You kind of did. For eleven days.” I tried to laugh, but it was too painful.
“Did anyone else come to visit?”
“Karen and Jason have been here.” I set her cup on the side table and scooted my chair as close to her bed as I could.
“Yeah, I know, but was Lanie here? Or was I just imagining her voice?”
“Sh-she was here.” I tried to keep my face flat. Lanie was the last thing I wished to talk about.
“When is she coming back?”
I hesitated. What did I tell Raven? T
hat Lanie and I had broken up? That I ended the relationship for her sake?
I didn’t think Raven was ready to hear any of that. She’d only woken up a couple hours ago. For the time being, everything needed to be smooth and easy for her. Nothing shocking could enter her world.
“I’m not sure, honey.”
“Oh. Okay.” She nodded and scooted down in her bed. “I’m so tired. Is it normal to be this tired? It’s not like I’ve been doing anything.”
“I think so, but I’ll go ask the nurse, okay?”
“Okay,” she mumbled.
I squeezed her leg before leaving the room. At the desk, I asked for Raven’s nurse on duty to be sent to check on her, and then I took a short reprieve in the waiting room.
Pulling out my phone, I composed a short text.
Raven’s awake. It’s looking good.
I sent the text to my parents first, then copied it and sent it to Bob, Saxton, Karen, and Jason.
And then I stared at Lanie’s name.
She needed to know Raven was doing well. No doubt she was still worried. But if I texted her, she’d respond, and I didn’t know if I could stop myself from striking up a conversation and maybe even from asking her to come to the hospital.
I’d been firm and strong in sending Lanie away, but to remain that determined, I needed to steer clear of her. Looking into her eyes and hearing her voice would cause me to break. I knew it would.
Bob would tell her the news, I decided, finally putting my phone away without texting her.
Yes, I wanted to give it to her myself. I wanted to see her eyes widen and hear her shriek in joy, to have her jump into my arms. And I wanted to bring her into Raven’s room, to see the two of them united again.
But that was a dangerous road. I knew my losses if I went down that path. They were ones I wasn’t prepared for.
I had a plan. Me and Raven. Raven and me. I was sticking to what I knew was best.
No matter how much it tore me up inside.
Chapter 55
Lanie
I rubbed my eyes, realizing I’d read the entire staff email Principal Stafford had sent out and not understood a single word.
“Okay,” I exhaled, leaning in closer to my computer screen. “Focus.”
And yet I couldn’t. Again, the words on the screen turned into mush. It was like I’d forgotten all the English I’d ever learned.
Dropping back into my chair in frustration, I looked around my office. For a while there, the place had begun to feel familiar. Now it didn’t. Now I felt like a stranger in my own life.
Wherever I went, I felt out of place. School. My home. My car.
On Monday, I must have spent a good two hours staring at the painting in my living room that Andrew had bought me, overwhelmed by competing urges to burn the thing or throw myself onto it, sobbing. In the end, I simply consumed half a bottle of wine and fell asleep on the couch.
I’d been avoiding my parents’ calls, and I faked being sick on Sunday night to get out of yoga and drinks with Erica. Usually, after a breakup, the first thing I did was run to my best friend. So often, she was the solace I desperately needed.
Erica always saw the positive side of things. When a guy broke my heart or simply disappointed me, she encouraged me to pick myself back up and move on. “He’s not worth it,” she’d tell me, and, “You’ll get over him soon.”
Usually, those words comforted me, but I knew that in this case, they wouldn’t. I didn’t want to get over Andrew. He was the kind of man I couldn’t forget.
I’d probably be thinking of him until the day I died, wondering how the rest of his life unraveled, wondering if he ever thought of me.
Tears filled my eyes, and I dropped my face into my palms.
No. I wasn’t going to cry. Not at work.
Sniffling, I quickly got up and hurried to the staff bathroom. There, I splashed cold water on my face until I felt incrementally better.
“It’s going to be all right,” I reminded myself, looking at my reflection as I did so. I’d heard doing mirror affirmations was supposed to make you feel better.
So far? No, it wasn’t for me so far.
Tossing the paper towel I’d dried my face with in the trash, I headed back into the hallway. It was the last day of school before winter break, and I was dreading the empty days to come. I hadn’t made any concrete plans, thinking I’d be hanging out with Erica, Andrew, and Raven.
That familiar heaviness forming in my stomach, I turned the corner for my office and stopped at the sight of Jason.
He stood in front of my door, looking like he was waiting for something.
“Jason,” I said as I approached.
He looked over in surprise. “I just knocked.”
“I was in the restroom.” I stopped in front of him, hoping my eyes were no longer red. “Did you want to talk?”
“Uh, yeah.” He stuffed his good hand into his pocket, looking bashful. “I mean if you’re not busy.”
“I have time.” I reached past him and pushed the door open. “Come on in.”
With him walking in front of me, I stole a moment to dab at my cheeks again, just in case. These days, I sometimes cried without knowing it. A few tears could have leaked out on my way down the hallway.
“Have a seat,” I told him, going around the desk myself.
He eased himself into a chair and adjusted his weight, still looking a little nervous.
“How are you doing?” I asked.
“Okay.” He started to smile, but it turned into a grimace. “I, um, I went and saw a therapist the other day. My parents thought it would be good.”
“That’s great,” I enthused.
I was praying this conversation would distract me from my heartbreak, mentally crossing my fingers in the hopes that Jason wouldn’t mention Andrew.
“Yeah. She’s cool, but Raven used to talk about you a lot. She said you were awesome to talk to.”
The words burned. How was Raven doing? Was everything still the same with her?
I cleared my throat and pretended to get busy clicking on something on the computer so that I could have a minute not looking in his eyes. “Have you been taking care of yourself?”
“I guess? The cast is coming off soon, so that’s cool. The doctor said I can play lacrosse this spring.”
“That’s good.” I’d pretended to search the computer screen for long enough. Smiling, I turned back to him. “And how about Raven? How are you feeling with all of that?”
He sighed, posture deflating. “I know it was my fault. I turned the wheel too hard. I just freaked.”
I bit down on my lip, close to crying yet again. With everything going on, I just couldn’t take seeing anyone in pain. “Oh, Jason,” I murmured. “It’s not your fault. You had a knee-jerk response. It happens to people who’ve been driving for years.”
“I know.” He twisted his lips, avoiding looking at me. “But I still can’t stop feeling guilty. I don’t know why.”
“That’s normal. People are often too hard on themselves. Think about it this way, okay? If one of your friends had been driving, or if Raven had been driving, and everything happened the exact same way, would you blame them?”
“No,” he said immediately.
“Exactly.” I let that sink in. “Sometimes, we can be a lot more forgiving of other’s actions than our own, can’t we?”
“Yeah,” he sighed. “That’s true.”
“Are you going to see your new therapist over winter break?”
“Uh-huh. I have an appointment next week. And then my friends and I were gonna go snowboarding, but I don’t know if I’m going to. ‘Cause of my arm and I should be here for Raven, you know?”
“It’s not a crime to go and have a little fun. It might help you some.”
He shrugged a shoulder. “Maybe.”
“It’s a long break.”
“Exactly. And Raven’s gonna be in the hospital for all of it. I need to go and visit her.”<
br />
The sentiment flowed from his words, and I couldn’t help but smile. Despite my initial impression of him, Jason was a really good kid. His sweetness couldn’t be ignored.
“Raven’s lucky to have you, Jason. I mean that.”
Smiling sheepishly, Jason ducked his head. “Thanks, Miss Jacobs.”
We sat in silence for a few breaths before he looked back up. “This is helping. I might go on that snowboarding trip. I just don’t want to make Raven jealous.”
“I think she’ll understand.”
“Yeah. Maybe.” His grin broadened, and a faraway look entered his eyes as he gazed at the window behind me.
“I think you’re going to do fine, Jason. You’re feeling pretty upbeat now, huh?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I? Raven’s finally awake. I got to talk to her on the phone for a minute, and she said she doesn’t blame me. I know I have to make all this up to her, yeah, but she’s not angry.”
I found it hard to keep listening. My ears buzzed, and my tongue felt like lead. “Raven is awake? Wh-when? When did this happen?”
“This morning. You haven’t checked your phone yet?”
Heat crept up my neck. I’d looked at my cell phone no less than thirty minutes earlier. There had been no new messages.
“Mr. Marx texted me,” he further explained. “And Miss Conner let me step out of class to call him. He put Raven on the line. She didn’t sound that great, but she remembers everything that happened. She doesn’t have any brain damage.”
Jason’s face lit up as he talked about it. Meanwhile, I didn’t know what to feel.
Raven was awake! She was fine.
Thank god.
I briefly closed my eyes, gratitude washing over me. The doctors had said she’d wake up soon, but there had always been that fear in the back of my mind and probably everyone else’s. There was the chance that the medical staff was wrong, that Raven would never wake up.
But now she had. Everything would be fine.
Except Andrew hadn’t thought to let me know. He’d texted Jason, and I didn’t know who else but not me.
Jason was going on, oblivious to the hurricane in my heart. “Mr. Marx said today isn’t a good day to visit, since she just woke up. He said he’ll let me know if I can drop by tomorrow. Are you going soon?”
