by Ali Parker
“You’re staying tonight, right?” Mom asked as we entered the foyer. “It’s Christmas for six more hours, and there’s only going to be more snow. The roads are going to be so icy.”
“Yeah, I’ll stay.” Hanging my outwear on the hook by the door, I looked into the living room at the lit tree. We’d opened all the presents that morning, and nothing but a few missed scraps of wrapping paper now lay below it.
I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of the two wrapped presents in my apartment’s closet, ones I’d bought before Andrew broke up with me. A chalk art set for Raven and a vintage record of a jazz band Andrew loved for him. I’d gone to three stores before I found the record, and now, he’d never get a chance to play it.
“We’re back,” Mom called out cheerily. “How is it going in there?”
My dad, the man who could hardly make toast without burning it, had offered to get Christmas dinner started. Obviously, he was only looking for a way out of caroling. Not that I could blame him.
“When the recipe says one cup of milk, do I use the clear measuring cup or the white one?” Dad called back.
“The liquid one,” Mom called back as she stepped out of her boots.
Silence followed.
“Oh, goodness,” Mom murmured, rushing toward the kitchen.
In my back pocket, my phone sang. I pulled it out and checked the screen. Erica was calling on video chat.
I hesitated but only for a second. I’d been avoiding her for days, so it was about time I answered a call.
Slipping into the nearest room, which happened to be the half-bath, I answered.
“Merry Christmas, ho,” Erica answered. She wore a headband with reindeer ears on it. “I’m reclaiming that word from the patriarchy, by the way.”
I tried to smile but couldn’t manage it. “Merry Christmas.”
“Why have you been avoiding me?”
Straight to the point. That was the Erica way.
Sighing, I leaned against the wall. “Andrew broke up with me.”
“What?” Her squeal nearly shattered my eardrums, even through the phone.
“He said he needed to focus on Raven, and he didn’t have time for me.”
“Lord.” She rolled her eyes. “That man needs a real—”
“Heeeey!” Matt’s face suddenly appeared next to Erica’s.
“Not now, babe,” Erica sourly said, pushing him out of the way. “Go make me another hot toddy. Strong.” She waited till he was gone to look back at her phone. “Don’t worry. He loves it when I talk to him like that.”
I pressed my lips together, trying to stop myself from crying. “I know,” I wailed.
“Oh, Lanie.” Erica made a pouty face. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I don’t think it will. Not this time. Andrew was different.”
“I know what you’re saying. He was special. But, hey, if the guy who made you feel the way he did isn’t for you, then just think about what it’ll be like when you do meet the right guy.”
“Yeah.” I rubbed my forehead, not in the mood for a pep talk. I was still mourning the relationship. Taking on a chipper attitude was a long way off.
A knock on the door made me jump. “Lanie?” Mom called. “Are you in there? Dinner is ready.”
“Just a minute,” I answered. I waited until her footsteps receded to address Erica again. “It’s dinner time. I should go.”
“Come over here after. We have enough whiskey to get us through the apocalypse.”
“Thanks, but I told my mom I’d stay here tonight.”
“Okay. Tomorrow?”
“Yeah. Um, maybe.”
Erica pursed her lips and gave me a knowing look. “Lanie. Don’t stay holed up for too long.”
“Okay,” I agreed, not sure I could stay true to my word.
Saying goodbye, we hung up, and I joined my parents in the dining room. Mom had gone all out, lighting tall, white candles and creating a poinsettia centerpiece.
“How’s the turkey?” Dad asked as I took my first tentative bite.
“Good,” I mumbled.
Seeing as it was edible, he probably preheated the oven and Mom did the rest. I’d definitely inherited my cooking skills from her.
“Lanie, how are Andrew and Raven?” Mom pertly asked as she cut her turkey, fork and knife held in the perfect positions.
“Um, they’re fine.” I shot a quick look Dad’s way, but he was busy reading something on his phone.
“Bob,” Mom sternly said. “It’s Christmas.”
“Oh. Right.” He put the phone away and cleared his throat. “I visited Andrew at the hospital the other day, right before Raven woke up. I imagine he’s doing a lot better now. She doesn’t have any long-lasting damage.”
“Thank goodness.” Mom pressed her hand to her heart, and I looked down at my plate. This was not a conversation I wanted to be a part of.
“It hit really close to home for him,” Dad said. “Being that’s how, you know.”
I knew what he was about to say. Had my dad known Andrew’s wife? It was weird that I’d never asked him that.
It didn’t matter anymore. Andrew was long gone from my life. I needed to focus on wiping him from my brain’s hard drive.
“I’m surprised you’re not with them this weekend,” Mom said. I didn’t have to look at her to know the statement was directed my way.
I swirled my fork around in my mashed potatoes. “He’s spending this time at the hospital. You know, some father-daughter time.”
My throat tightened as I said the last part, and I took a quick drink of wine, both to fix my parched mouth and to continue to hide my face.
“It’s just a miracle that she came out of it,” Mom mused. “So wonderful.”
Dad grunted in agreement.
I frantically fought for a subject to switch the conversation to. Before I could ask about the trip they were taking in a couple of days, Mom spoke again.
“Other than everything with Raven, how are things going between you and Andrew?”
I couldn’t avoid her gaze any longer. “Fine,” I responded, hoping my fake smile was believable.
Her eyebrows arched as she ground pepper onto her beans. “Are you seeing a future there?”
“Janice, she doesn’t need to know so early.”
Mom clicked her tongue. “They put up such a stink about seeing each other, they have to be at least a little serious.”
“It’s only been a couple months. Not even. Give her a break.”
“I’m not pressuring her. I’m only asking.”
They were carrying on the conversation now without any help from me, so I got busy drinking more wine and staring out the window. My fingers tightened around the glass’ stem, and that throbbing ache had returned to my gut.
“I still find the age difference a little disconcerting,” Mom was saying, “Which is why I simply wanted to know if they’re getting any more serious.”
“His daughter’s been in a coma,” Dad answered. “I doubt Lanie and Andrew have had much time to talk about their relationship.”
I couldn’t take it any longer. “That’s right,” I cut in. “We really haven’t had that much time. Oh, hey, does that footbath you gave me need batteries? Or do you just plug it into an outlet?”
They took the bait, transitioning to talk about Christmas presents. Dessert rolled around, and Andrew and Raven had all been forgotten—for the time being.
“I’m feeling really tired,” I announced as Mom brought in the pie. “I think I need to go lie down for a while.”
Mom frowned. “You don’t want apple pie?”
“Maybe later.” I gave her an apologetic look. “But I’ll come out to do the dishes.”
“No.” She waved me away. “You just go rest.”
I didn’t need to hear it twice. Slipping out of the dining room, I retreated to one of the guest rooms on the second floor. There, I collapsed onto the bed and turned on the side light. It shone just enoug
h to reveal the snow outside was still relentless. Nothing had changed.
Nothing would change for a long time.
The pain had been a rumbling volcano all through dinner, and now that I was alone, I finally erupted. Tears burst from my eyes, and sobs shook my chest. Turning onto my stomach, I buried my face into a pillow so my parents wouldn’t hear.
I’d cried over guys before but never like this. Andrew’s absence—his rejection, no matter that it was well intended—had created a giant void inside of me.
It would never be filled.
Chapter 58
Andrew
I drove around the block one more time. And then another.
“Shit,” I spat, yanking the wheel and sending my car into Lanie’s parking lot at the last possible second. The car behind me honked, but I ignored it, slowing down and cruising past Lanie’s apartment building.
Like a stalker.
Because I was still too chicken to call her.
It was a day past Christmas, and I hadn’t been able to fix things for Raven as a Christmas present, as she’d requested. Instead, I’d twiddled my thumbs and thought about things and then thought about things some more.
I wanted to fix everything I’d fucked up, but where did I begin? No doubt Lanie hated my guts and never wanted to hear from me again. I couldn’t blame her for that.
Even if she didn’t hate me, at the best, she was hurt. Nothing I could ever say would fix what I’d done to her. “Sorry” only went so far—especially when you’d hurt a person before.
When we’d discovered that my closest friend was also her father, I’d been the one to suggest we take a break from dating. Weeks after that, I kicked her out of the hospital and banned her from seeing Raven. And then I broke up with her.
At this point, I really had a notable track record going.
Turning around at the end of the parking lot, I drove past Lanie’s again, this time looking for her car.
There it was. Parked a few spots down from her front door. I hadn’t noticed it before because I’d been too fixated on her windows. Yep, like a real creeper.
A woman walking a Chihuahua stopped to stare at me, a frown on her face. I gave her a friendly smile and pulled into an empty spot Lanie couldn’t see from her windows.
I better do this before someone calls the cops on me for lurking.
I couldn’t move, though. Not to turn off the engine and not to open the door. My ass was sealed to the seat, and the more I thought about knocking on Lanie’s door, the more I wanted to run to the bushes and hurl.
What was I going to say? Maybe I should have written a speech down.
No, that’s fucking dumb. I can’t read her an apology off a sheet of paper.
“Damn,” I muttered, looking into my rearview mirror. I could just see Lanie’s living room window from where I sat. Did she still have the painting I bought her? Or had she tossed it into the dumpster at the end of this parking lot?
I’d never gotten to spend much time at her apartment, and the thought caused my heart to ache now. There was so much we still needed to do. Big things and little. I wanted to take her to the Florida Keys, to the little mom and pop bed and breakfast there that I’d visited once eight years ago and always vowed I’d return to. I wanted to experience spring together. Summer. To drive her and Raven to the farm outside of the city that shot off fireworks on the Fourth of July.
I wanted to live together, to love without reservations and worries, to know that, no matter what else was going wrong, we were each other’s rocks.
How did I put all of that into words in a way that didn’t make me look like I was waffling?
Because I wasn’t. Raven had made me see the light. I needed and wanted Lanie back. For good.
And still my legs were lead, and my stomach twisted like a pile of snakes.
Dropping my face into my palms, I sighed. I had to get out of that parking lot.
Backing out of the parking spot, I pulled back onto the road. The evening was crystal clear, cold but with no forecast for any more snow.
I needed a drink, and they didn’t sell the kind I had a craving for at the hospital coffee bar.
At the country club, I did another quick parking lot survey—this time, checking for Bob’s car. He didn’t come to the club much, but on the rare chance that he was here, I wanted to avoid any questions about Lanie. I still couldn’t know for sure whether she’d told him anything about us, but I didn’t want to bring the subject up, and I didn’t want to lie to my friend.
Finding the coast clear, I headed inside. All the Christmas decorations were still up, ceiling-scraping tree included. Passing through the lobby, I hit the bar and ordered a bourbon just as my phone rang.
“Everything okay?” I answered right away.
“Geez, yeah,” Raven responded. “Calm down.”
I pursed my lips and took a seat on the bar stool. Considering my teenage daughter hadn’t even been out of a coma for a week, I had plenty of reasons to be concerned every time my phone rang.
“I’ll be back at the hospital in less than an hour,” I told her, swirling the liquid in my glass around. “Do you want me to bring anything?”
Raven sighed. “It’s so boring here. I have cabin flu.”
“Cabin fever,” I corrected.
“Whatever.”
“How about I stop at the library and find you something to read?”
“The library is closed,” she pointed out. “It’s the day after Christmas.”
“Oh.”
“Did you talk to Lanie yet?”
“Um—”
“Dad! You didn’t talk to Lanie?”
I took a hearty gulp of the bourbon, never mind the burn. “I’m going to, Raven.”
“What have you been doing all afternoon?”
Playing spy.
“Errands,” I lied.
She guffawed. “You don’t do your own errands. You’re rich.”
I ignored that comment, true as it was, and took another drink of my bourbon before standing. “I’m on my way to you now.”
The line was silent as I crossed into the club’s lobby.
“Are you really going to talk to her?” Raven asked sadly.
The pain in her voice made me halt at the door, hand on the glass. “Yes,” I promised, truly meaning it. “I’ll see you in a little bit.”
“Bye,” she said quietly.
I kept my phone out as I walked to my car. No more pussyfooting around. It was time to fix what I’d so royally fucked up or at least take the first step toward doing so.
With the car idling, I called Lanie before I had time to become more nervous. With each ring, I thought about hanging up, but I stuck with it. This was what I wanted, no matter how much reaching out scared me.
“Hello?” Lanie answered, her voice uncertain. At the sound of it, my heart cracked in two. God, I’d missed that voice.
“Lanie,” I rasped.
“Yeah?”
I bit down on my bottom lip. What did I say first? I miss you? I love you? I’m the biggest idiot in the whole wide world?
I settled with, “How are you?”
“I’m okay. How are you?”
The simple question made my mind race. This conversation was even harder than I’d expected it to be, and that was saying a lot.
“I’m all right. How was your Christmas?”
“Standard.” She paused. “Is everything okay? Is Raven all right?”
It warmed my heart to have that be her first real question. It just confirmed what Raven had said and I already knew deep down. Lanie truly loved and cared for my daughter.
“She’s fine,” I said. “They moved her out of the ICU and are keeping her in for a few more weeks for monitoring, but after that, she’ll be able to go home.”
“That’s good,” she murmured, sounding relieved.
I looked down at my lap. “I should have called you when she woke up.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I figured Bob would tell you, that it was for the best if we didn’t talk.”
“Right.” The word was crisp. “Not to be mean, Andrew, but why are we talking now?”
“Because I …” The next words froze on my tongue. I want you back. I made a mistake.
I had to say them, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it then. Not like that. Not on the phone.
For a brief second, I considered asking if I could come over, but I’d already promised Raven I’d be at the hospital soon.
“Because Raven has been asking about you,” I lamely answered.
More silence.
“Okay,” Lanie said. Her response was tentative. She was waiting for me to do the necessary explaining.
Now that we were on the subject, the words just flew from me. “She started asking about you the day she woke up. I’m sorry. I should have called you and let you know. I’m just a fucking idiot sometimes, Lanie.” Sighing, I covered my eyes with my palm.
She didn’t say anything.
“I guess your silence means you agree?” I asked.
She laughed. It was short and dry, but still, it was a laugh. “Are you inviting me to see her?”
“Yes. Please.”
“I want to see her,” she said slowly. “I really do. And I agree, it wasn’t right for you to keep me from her, but I understand why you felt you needed to.”
The words were kinder than I deserved. Lanie was kinder than I deserved, but I’d always known that.
“Can you come tomorrow?”
“What time?”
“Whenever,” I quickly answered, wondering what she had going on the next day. Who was she spending her time with now? She hadn’t found another guy already, had she?
Before I could chastise myself for the paranoid thinking, she answered. “I can stop by sometime in the evening.”
“That’s great. Raven will be excited.”
“Good.”
I swallowed, not wanting the conversation to end. “Lanie.”
“Uh-huh?”
Again, I just couldn’t do it. Not yet.
“Raven’s really looking forward to it.”
“Me too. Bye.”
“Goodbye,” I blurted. She’d already hung up, though.
