by Ali Parker
My heart warmed, and tears pooled in my eyes. My dad wasn’t usually a sentimental guy, which is why any signs of emotion from him meant a lot.
“Thanks, Dad,” I said from a thick throat.
“You sure you can’t come tomorrow?”
I thought about it for a moment. The tumultuous month had left me feeling drained. In such a state, I could only take so much human interaction. After two straight evenings with other people, I was going to need one off.
“I’m sure. Thanks, Dad.”
“Everything will turn out fine, kiddo.”
He hung up after that, which saved me from bawling over the phone. Dabbing at the few tears that had spilled, I left the car and stepped into the restaurant. The place was an extremely nice one, the kind of restaurant I would usually only eat at if my parents were taking me there. Erica had been wanting to try it for weeks, though, and I figured splurging a little bit on duck and beignets might make me feel better.
The place was small and cozy, resembling someone’s home more than it did a restaurant. Erica waved at me from a back table, and after handing my coat over to the hostess, I made my way past the crackling fireplace and the red drapes hanging over the windows.
My friend stood as I got closer and pulled me into a hug. “I already ordered a chicken liver pate.”
“Oh.” I smiled like that sounded good. Erica’s taste was a bit more adventurous than mine. I could probably eat sandwiches and Cobb salads for the rest of my life, and I’d be good to go.
I took a seat on the soft-cushioned chair. Our table was against the wall, close enough to the fireplace that some of its warmth reached my legs.
“How are you?” Erica asked, giving me a wary look.
“Um.” I bit my lip. “Not that great. Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about me and Andrew—”
“No, don’t do that. You have nothing to apologize for.”
I started to answer, but a waiter was arriving with a bottle of white, and I didn’t like talking about something so intimate in front of someone else.
“I also ordered wine,” Erica explained.
“Looks good.” I took a quick look at the menu. “I’ll have the flounder,” I told the waiter.
“Skirt steak,” Erica ordered. “Medium, please.”
The waiter nodded and left, and Erica folded her hands on the table, her intense gaze back to me right away.
“I understand why you didn’t tell me about you guys immediately,” she further explained. “You needed some time to process it all.”
I sighed, fiddling with the row of silverware next to my water glass. “It was more than processing. I needed time to grieve. But guess what?”
Erica pursed her lips. “He came crawling back to you?”
“I don’t think you can call it that. He barely apologized.”
“What did he say?”
“He mostly talked about how dumb he is, and he said that he wants to try again with me.”
Erica guffawed. “You already tried.”
“Exactly.”
“What did you say?”
I felt my shoulders droop as my face also dropped down. “I told him I needed some time to think about it all.”
“Hm.”
Erica took a sip of wine, tasting it, thinking about things.
“I don’t know what to do. I want him back. Bad.”
She gave me a strained smile. We both knew it wasn’t as simple as that. Just because I desired a man didn’t mean he was the best thing for me.
“Here’s the thing,” I explained. “I don’t know if he’s trying to get me back because he really wants me or if it’s because he’s trying to make Raven happy.”
“Those are two very different things.”
“If it’s both, fine. Great. But if I’m just another gift to her to make up for things.” I shook my head. “No. I’m not doing that.”
“Did he say anything about what the future might be like? You know, if you do get back together?”
“We didn’t really get that far in the conversation. I kind of, ah, left.”
Erica’s nose scrunched. “It sounds like you don’t really want this, Lanie.”
“But I do!” Realizing I’d nearly yelled, I composed myself and spoke again. “I don’t want this situation. The one where I feel like I’m always going to be sitting around, wondering if he’s going to freak out again.”
“Hm.” She absentmindedly stroked one of her dangling earrings. “There is no certainty, though. Not really.”
“Don’t say that,” I groaned.
“It’s true. Two people can promise each other the sun and the stars, but things change. People change. No one wants to talk about that. They want to pretend two people can fall into this happily-ever-after fairy tale, but why would we even want to do that? Our ideals change over time.”
“You’re seriously bumming me out. Is this how you feel about your relationship?”
A smile played on her lips. “It’s something I’ve accepted, yeah. I feel great about me and Matt, but I know stuff could happen. There have been a few times where we almost broke up.”
“Right. Who could forget Miami?”
Despite my sinking heart, I had to laugh at that memory. Matt, Erica, and I had taken a weekend cruise. They’d been fighting for a few weeks—over what, I couldn’t remember—and on the last day of the cruise, she almost pushed him over the railing.
“Ugh. I’m still trying to forget about that.”
I giggled. “You guys forgave each other.” She shrugged. “That’s not the worst thing that’s ever happened to us.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. There are things I never told you about.”
I blinked in surprise, feeling slightly offended. Erica and I had always shared everything with each other.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Sometimes it’s easier to deal with it yourself. You know that. You didn’t tell me about your break up right away.”
“Yeah,” I admitted.
The appetizer arrived, and we fell into a minute of silence as we tasted it. For me, that meant barely licking the pea-size pate on the end of my fork.
“This is pretty good,” I commented in surprise.
“Has Andrew gotten in touch with you since yesterday?”
“No, but I think I made it pretty clear I didn’t want him to.” I busily refolded the napkin in my lap. Keeping my hands busy distracted me from the aching in my body and heart.
“Forgive him, Lanie. Try again.”
A strangled little cry left me, making me sound like some kind of dying animal. “I want to.”
“But you’re afraid of being hurt again.”
“Yes,” I quietly agreed.
“Isn’t life going to hurt without him around?”
Until I meet someone else, I started to say, but I checked my tongue. Who on Earth could replace Andrew?
“All relationships have their ups and downs,” Erica continued when I didn’t reply. “You get to decide whether or not to roll with the punches. Sometimes it’s worth it, and sometimes it’s not. And you know that everyone makes mistakes.”
The look on her face dared me to argue.
“Yes,” I grudgingly answered.
“But I do get what you’re saying. It’s, like, a person can only take so many let-downs.”
“For real,” I huffed.
“What would it take for you to forgive him?”
I stopped the wineglass halfway to my lips and set it back on the table, having to really think about that one.
“I’d have to know that he wants to commit to me. Not now, I know, but one day.”
Erica nodded in satisfaction. “That’s great. You want confirmation that he’s in this for the long haul. Nice. Tell him that.”
I sucked in a long breath.
“Tell him,” Erica stressed.
“I will,” I promised her. It would take a lot of courage to be that honest, but then again, wh
en did it not?
A dreamy look entered Erica’s eyes as her attention floated to the window behind me. “This might be a good thing.”
“Um, come again?”
“Mm-hmm.” She smiled wider. “It could be the test you need. If you guys make it through this, you can make it through anything.”
“Oh.” I absorbed that idea, one I hadn’t considered.
The more I mulled it over, the more it made sense, and the better I felt.
I’d waited years to meet a man I craved as much as I did him, a man who made me feel safe, secure, and loved, a man who could make everything right with a smile or a kiss.
I was going to be honest with Andrew. I was going to forgive him. I was going to open myself up and jump with my eyes closed.
Beyond that, I would have to wait and see what happened.
Chapter 62
Andrew
“She didn’t say anything about me?” I asked Raven one more time.
“Oh my god,” she sighed. She was sitting on the edge of her hospital bed, stretching her good leg out. It was one of the simple exercises the nurses had given her to do each day so that her muscles could stay in working condition.
Raven scowled. “Don’t stare at me while I do this. I already feel stupid enough.”
“I’m not looking,” I answered, though I half-turned away.
“She didn’t want to talk about you, Dad.”
I cringed at the sadness in her voice and pressed my fist to my mouth. “I’m going to make this up to you both,” I promised.
The bed creaked, and I looked over to see Raven getting back under her covers. “I can’t wait till I leave this place,” she sighed.
“Did you hear what I said?”
She gave me a plain, unreadable look. “You’re going to make this up to us both. Okay. How?”
My heart started pounding. “You’ll see soon. Will you be okay here if I run over to Lanie’s?”
Her eyes widened. She was already picking up her phone. “Yeah. Jason said he might be able to come by.”
“Good. Hopefully, I won’t be gone too long.”
“Hopefully?” She looked confused.
“It’s only three. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Maybe I’ll have Lanie with me.”
Raven looked away, making it clear she wouldn’t be holding her breath.
“Love you.” Kissing her on the top of the head, I left.
With each mile I gained toward Lanie’s, the ball of nerves in my core grew. By the time I pulled into her parking lot, my hands shook. The Christmas snow had mostly melted, leaving nothing but small piles of dirty white here and there. Pulling into a spot right in front of Lanie’s, I killed the engine and took a long inhale.
This was it. I’d made a decision, and I was going for it.
The best thing was, I knew I’d never regret this path. Even if Lanie shot me down, I’d die satisfied knowing that I tried.
Jumping from the car, I made my way up her walkway, each step slowing down time more. The curtains in the front room were open, and a light glowed against the panes, but the reflection made it hard to make out anything other than the dark television set and some photos on the wall.
Knocking, I took in another long breath, embracing the flow of oxygen. I would need it.
The door opened, and Lanie’s mouth fell.
“Hi,” I said.
She stared at me, and I took the time to drink her in. Tight jeans. Loose sweater hanging off one shoulder. Dish towel in one hand. The slight scent of vanilla wafted off her, creating a painful hunger deep inside of me.
Yes. I wanted this woman. More than words could say.
“Andrew,” she finally said, her surprise evident.
“I know I didn’t call, but I was worried you’d tell me not to come over if I did.”
Her brow pinched. “How are you?”
“Not that great. That’s why I’m here. Can I come in?”
Say yes. Just one word. That’s all you have to do. I’ll take care of the rest.
Lanie slowly nodded, stepping aside so I could enter.
The small living room was as it had always been, with the exception of a new candle here and a small stack of books there. A hamper loaded with laundry sat on one end of the couch, and a radio played from the kitchen, its volume so low, I couldn’t make out the song.
Lanie shut the door behind me, and I glanced over my shoulder, finding what I had hoped was still there.
“You didn’t throw it away.”
Lanie came to stand next to me, and we both looked at the painting I’d bought her in the fall, not long after we met.
“I thought about it a few times,” she answered.
I looked at her, and her expression became bashful. “But not really. I could never bring myself to do that.”
I gulped. “I’m glad.”
Though I kept my gaze on her face, her eyes kept flicking away. “So you’re here.”
“I really needed to talk to you.”
Lanie cleared her throat. Abruptly, she turned and went into the open kitchen area, dropping the dish towel on the counter before spinning back to look at me. She was putting distance between us, and I didn’t like it one bit.
I fought the urge to stride across the room and close the physical distance between us. That was the easy answer. Lanie wanted more than my embrace. She deserved more. She deserved an explanation, real honesty.
I’d planned this out, and the simplest steps came first.
“I’m going back to the hospital after this. Will you come with?”
Lanie hesitated, but only for a moment. “Okay, yeah. I’d like to see Raven. I have a book she might like.”
Fear bubbled up in me, but I ignored it. The time had come to lay it all out there. There could be no turning back.
“Lanie, I came here to tell you I love you.”
Surprise flashed across her face, and she seemed happy, but a heartbeat later and her features were hard once more.
“I love you, too, Andrew, but it’s not that simple.” Her lashes fluttered, and she bit down on her bottom lip, looking like she was trying not to cry. “I’ve been thinking that I really want to forgive you, but I-I gave you everything I could, and it felt like that just didn’t matter. You threw me away like I didn’t mean anything to you.”
Seeing the pain on her face, hearing it in her words, it made me feel like I was burning from the inside out.
“Lanie, I never meant to hurt you. Please believe that. It kills me to know that I did. I thought I knew what was best for all three of us. But I don’t. That’s why I need you.” I took a step toward her, but only one. “I need you to help me figure things out, to keep my head on straight.”
Her lips twitched, and she brought her arms up, wrapping them around her torso in an embrace. “I want things to go back to the way they were,” she whispered, “but I’m afraid.”
“I understand.”
“Do you?” She cocked her head. “Because I don’t think you get how badly you hurt me. How …” She sucked in a ragged breath. “Never mind. Forget it.”
“No,” I sharply said, taking another step in her direction. There was still so much space between us, but I didn’t want to push my luck. “Tell me. Please.”
Her eyes shone from the tears lingering there. “I thought you were the one. The person I’d waited my whole life for. And then, when you broke up with me, I had to deal with moving on from that. With accepting that I’d lost the best thing I’d ever found.”
“I know what that feels like,” I solemnly answered.
Lanie warily watched me, waiting.
“I’ve lost so much, Lanie,” I breathed. “My wife. The most special moments of Raven’s childhood and teenage years. You.” My voice snagged, and I had to clear my throat. “Which is why I know now that I can’t afford to lose anything else. I can’t let anything good slip through my fingers.”
Lanie’s softly-curved lips trembled. I longed to clear th
e space between us, to pull her into my arms and demand she let me stay, beg her to keep me forever. But, still, that was too easy.
Standing in front of a person, looking them in the eye and confessing from the deepest regions of your heart, now that was difficult.
And, also, the right thing to do.
A tear slipped down Lanie’s cheek. “When did you become so romantic?”
I half-laughed, half-sobbed. “I don’t feel like I’m being very poetic here. I’m trying my hardest, but this is still hard. I’ve never been great with words. Not outside a boardroom.”
Lanie wiped that solitary tear away. “I don’t know what to say. Andrew, I love you. I do. I’ll never stop loving you.”
“Please don’t let there be a but,” I exhaled.
She smiled sadly.
“I figured my words would be shit—”
“They’re not shit,” she quickly cut in.
I held one hand up as I reached the other into my pocket. “I can show you what you mean to me, Lanie. I can prove I want you by my side every day for the rest of my life.”
Pulling out the ring box, I strode forward. The time had come to close that space between us, the physical and the emotional. This woman was what I wanted, what I needed. I would fight tooth and nail until the day I died if that’s what it took to show her what she meant to me.
Stopping in front of Lanie, I dropped down to one knee and flipped the box open. Her jaw dropped, and her gasp sucked all the air out of the room.
“Wh-what?” she sputtered. “Andrew.”
“You’re good for me, Lanie. You’re good for Raven. You’re more than I could ever ask for. I know I’m going to fuck up sometimes. I can’t promise I’ll do everything perfectly. But I can promise I’ll always do my best to make things better. If you’ll be my wife and spend every day and night by my side, I’ll work every single day to show you how much I love you. I’ll try. Honest to god, Lanie, I’ll do my best.”
Lanie lifted her hand halfway to her open mouth like she was going to cover it, but then dropped it instead and took the ring from the box. The kitchen light caught the diamond, making it sparkle.
“That’s my job,” I said, taking the ring from her hand and lightly grasping her left fingers in mine. I lifted my eyes to hers. “What do you say? Will you marry me?”
