by Ali Parker
Or maybe she didn't because he didn't want her.
By the time I stepped out on the small balcony of her condo, I'd convinced myself that my brother was in love with my girl.
I put the phone to my ear and started to pace the six-foot concrete pad below me.
"Matt? What the fuck? You all right?" Damon's voice was thick with sleep.
"Are you in love with Erica?" I rolled my eyes as it came out of my mouth. What the hell was wrong with me?
"What? Are you drunk? Where the fuck are you?" I could hear him shuffling around.
"No. I'm in Seattle at Erica's place. I... I don't know. I just..." I closed my eyes and pressed my hand to the front of my face. "You're not into her, right? Because the two of you would be so good together. You're the kind of guy she deserves."
"What the fuck are you going on about? It's three in the morning. What happened? Find somewhere to sit your crazy ass down and talk me through what got you to this point."
I nodded and sat down on the edge of the wooden chair she had tucked in the corner of the patio.
"I don't know. I like this woman so fucking much, but I have nothing to offer her. I keep pushing her away because she deserves so much more than I have." I let my eyes move across the darkness and tried to find my center. Maybe I'd been pushing everyone away so I wouldn't have to admit to myself that I wasn't enough. I didn't have shit to my name and I'd done nothing with my life. It was easier to pretend that wasn't the case, but with Erica lying in the next room expecting something of me today, I was stuck.
"And you think she should be with me?" He snorted. "Erica and I are work associates, Matt. Nothing else. She's not at all my type of woman. Does she look like Bethany to you?"
"No."
"Sound like her?"
"No."
"Right. Because she's not her. Bethany is the only woman I want in my life, all right?"
"Then why do you keep fucking it up?" I was grateful for the momentary shift in the conversation. Focusing on Damon's fuck-ups were rare, but caused a delight in me like a kid might feel at Christmas.
"Stop diverting. I'm working on a plan to get her back, all right? I know I'm a dick, and where she loves that part of me, I've been insensitive lately. I'll figure it out."
"Better hurry up. She's not going to wait around forever."
He snorted. "Why do you think Erica expects you to be like me?"
"I don't know." I stood back up and started to pace the floor again. "She has all her shit together. She's got a great job, a nice place and has made something out of herself."
"And she's also working in a job that she's great at, but doesn't even come close to letting her live out her dreams."
I bristled. "How do you know what her dreams are?"
"I don't, but I know yours, and she reminds me of you more often than you can imagine. If I were to guess, I would say her dreams were to create art and sell it. Am I wrong?"
"No, no, you're right." I stopped pacing and gripped the railing of the patio. "I've been in love with her since I met her two years ago. I thought initially that maybe my feelings for her would push me forward to do something with my life, but I've been floundering."
"No, you've been avoiding. You're not floundering. You're finally moving forward. You have spent so much time trying to stay under Dad's radar that you've not had time to do anything else. He doesn't want a cookie cutter of himself out of you, Matt. He wants you. He's already got me to lead his company when he's done and to give him shit on the golf course. He wants you to just be you, but stop trying to be something you’re not and fucking start living your life."
"By getting a job?" I knew I was poking at the bear.
"Would you getting a job make you more of the man you are inside? Would that define you, like my job helps to define me?"
"Fuck no."
"Then stop being stupid. Society says what you should do and you project that shit onto me and Dad as if we're judging you. There's only one person scrutinizing your shit and saying that you're coming up empty."
"Myself." I hung my head in shame. Damon was spot on. He always was.
"Exactly. What happened with Erica?"
"I slept with her."
"And? Was it everything you wanted it to be?"
"Yeah. It just tied me tighter to her, but I'm in the middle of one of those fight or flight moments. I usually tuck tail and run."
"That doesn't mean you're not a man, Matt, or that you're not strong and capable of making the right choice. It means that you've once again allowed yourself to fall into the trap of 'not good enough,' but you're the sorry mother fucker who's setting the standard, no one else. I'm pretty sure Erica would rather have you snuggled up in the bed with her than walking around her house looking for an exit. She's not thinking about your 401K or your net worth, or how many companies you're going to run in the future. She's dreaming about the things all women dream about."
"Love?" I sat back down as my heart softened and warmth filled me. I wasn't ready to make a commitment just yet, but Damon was right. I was the bastard holding the gavel in the court room of my worth. No one else, though it was so much easier to project that shit onto someone else. It left me free to simply be.
"Yeah, but companionship, marriage, kids and growing old with someone who gets you, Matt. You get Erica. You're both creatives. Can you imagine the life you could have together? That's why Dad and I push her at you a little, and it's why she's all up in your grill when she visits us. She sees it. We see it. Why don't you?"
"Can we talk about you and Bethany again?" I snorted and reclined back in the chair before letting out a long sigh and letting the tension slip out of my body. I was being irrational. Erica and I might have had feelings for each other for two years, but just because we finally relented and slept together didn't mean that we had to head to the church when she woke up. Neither of us was in a hurry to push anything too fast, right?
"We can, but I'd rather not dive back into depression." He let out a long sigh. "This place sucks without her here. Everything I eat tastes like shit, my job isn't fun anymore and to be honest... I don't wanna get up tomorrow morning and pretend that everything is good when it's not."
"Then fix it. You're a smart guy. Fix it."
"Yeah, it seems that way, but I don't think an apology would do much good right now, and I keep thinking to myself that she and I are going to have to overcome so much to have a life together. Between her working for me, and her mom marrying Dad... that's a lot, but I was so willing to do it."
"You still are, Damon."
"Yeah, but I'm not sure she is. I am who I am. I love sex, and I want that to be a huge part of our relationship. If she thinks I'm taking advantage of her by wanting her pressed against me every chance I get, then she's not the woman for me." He took a shaky breath as my heart ached in my chest for him. "I don't know what to do. I can't change this part of me, nor am I willing to try. It's the way I show affection. It always has been."
"I get that." I brushed my fingers by my lips. "How did you win her over the first time?"'
"Attraction. You know how it is when you first meet someone."
"No, not initially, but when she started to seriously move from lust to love with you. You know when that shit happens. Did you do something to show her that you weren't just a horny bastard with an attitude?"
He chuckled, but the sound fell flat. "Yeah. All that shit happened with her friends and I stood beside her quietly and gave her my strength and comfort."
"Good. Krista's trial is coming up. To have to testify in court when your best friend is up for attempted murder is a big damn deal. Be there for all of it and show her again the other side of you. She'll come back. I know she wants to."
"I hope so. I miss her like crazy."
"One more question and I'll let you go. Sorry for the crazy call."
"Anything you need from me, bro. You just need to ask."
"I was a little rough with Erica in the bedroom and you kn
ow that's not me outside of the bedroom. I don't want her to think I used her like an object or something."
"Women like strong men in the bedroom, Matt. You're the best of both worlds. Was she angry or upset during the sex?"
"No." I cleared my throat as desire raced through my center at the thought of how much she seemed to enjoy it. "No, she was good with it all from what I could tell."
"Right, and Erica is a great mix of docile and strong. She would have smacked you if you hurt her or left her feeling anything."
"And you know this because?" I bristled again.
"Because I'm a good judge of character. Stop being an idiot and get in there. Take things slow and try hard not to analyze everything in the light of your supposed failures. It's getting old, and you're the only one judging you. Get some sleep and call me later. Much later!"
I laughed and hung up the phone. I wanted to have something waiting for her to eat when she got up, and hoped like hell she'd let me spend some of the day working on my sketch of her for my art showing. It could be a relaxed fun day if I let it.
No quick decisions and no judging myself.
It sounded far easier than it felt.
Chapter 16
Erica
Sunlight filtered into the room and pulled me from a restful sleep. I turned to reach for Matt and found him gone and his side of the bed cold. He'd been gone for a while.
Panic stabbed my insides as I jolted up.
"Matt?" I checked the clock and groaned. Getting up before six on a Sunday morning was a travesty I tried to avoid. It was one of the only days I let myself sleep in.
After pulling a robe over my shoulders, I walked down the hallway and tied the long silky belt to hold it together, noting that he was out on the patio or gone. I checked the patio and walked the short distance to the kitchen to find him gone. My heart dropped.
"He ran," I whispered and crossed my arms over my chest.
I had two choices. I could fall apart and deem myself unworthy of his attention, or I could swallow my emotions and pretend like a great night of sex was all I was after anyway.
I chose the latter of the two, though the tears in my eyes would call me a liar. A soft sigh left me as I walked back to the bedroom and crawled back into the cold sheets. The smell of his cologne lingered on the pillow next to mine, and damn it if I didn't lean over there and press my face to it.
My heart ached far more than I could remember feeling in the longest time, but it was a nice reminder that I was alive and that love was still very much something I wanted in my life. I'd almost convinced myself otherwise.
I flopped over onto my back and reached out to grab my phone. Lanie would be up no doubt. She was an early bird and usually had a hundred things done by the time the sun came up in the morning.
"Hey you. What the heck are you doing up?"
"Just woke up," I mumbled and rolled onto my side. "Matt's been here most of the weekend."
"Matt Bryant? The guy you mentioned last week?"
"Yeah, but I should have mentioned him several times in the last two years. I think I slipped a few times and brought him up, but I've been holding back on talking about him."
"That almost hurts me, but I know you well enough to know you have a good reason for not bringing him up. Spill. What's the deal?"
"He's just that guy. You know. The one you look at and think, 'Damn... he's living the life everyone wants to live. He's free to make his own decisions and his passions are apparent because of the drive he has to create his art and do something with it.’ His smile warms up the room and his laugh fills me with this crazy sense of adventure... like I could do anything as long as he was there beside me. It's stupid and I've been trying so hard to ignore it since we met."
"Wow. I wanna meet this guy. Sounds like he's the kind of friend all of us could use to have."
"I'd say so, but I want more than a friendship."
"Really? I'm a little shocked to hear you say that. I was honestly scared you'd given up on men entirely after the Tanner bullshit."
"No, I just needed a break."
"Four years is more than a break, Erica. It's a sabbatical."
"Agreed. Maybe I tucked part of myself away after Tanner left me. All that led to me wanting to protect myself, you know? I got the job at M&B and left my dreams in the dust. Because being an artist isn’t just about creating something beautiful that speaks to people. It’s about being smacked around by their criticism too. It was all because I was afraid to fail. I mean, shit, if I can’t keep a ten-year relationship together, what in the world would I be capable of?"
"That takes two people. Stop beating yourself up and tell me what's going on. Is Matt there with you?"
"No. He stayed the night last night because his hotel jacked things up, and we went to see Blink-182."
"Oh nice. Did you guys sleep together?"
"Yeah, and it was magnificent. He's this sweet, considerate, funny guy most of the time, but the things he did to me last night." I groaned and rolled onto my side.
"I'll need details next time we're together. My sex life sucks like crazy. Somehow I forgot to read the fine print on being a kindergarten teacher. Obviously I now live the life of a saint and get my kicks from the latest Elmo toys created instead of the possibility of a date."
"Oh man, Lanie. We gotta find you a guy, though that brings in the possibility of them hurting you. That part sucks, as I know you're well aware of."
"Did he hurt you?"
"No, but he's going to. I woke up this morning and he's gone. He's very right brained, so I keep telling myself that the artist in him needed to breathe." I let out a fake laugh and sat back up.
"What? Without a note or anything?"
"It would seem that way. He's not here."
"Is his shit still there?" Her tone was darkening. It almost made me feel loved to have her getting upset on my behalf.
"I don't know." I got up and flipped on the lamp beside my bed. Matt's suitcase sat in the corner. "Oh wow. His stuff is still here. Maybe he didn't run out."
"Maybe he's a romantic and ran out to get flowers and breakfast."
"Stop it. Don't build up hope inside of me. He's already far too perfect as it is."
"I gotta run. We still on for yoga class and wine tonight?"
"Yep. I'll call you later." I hung up the phone and tossed it back on the bed. Matt's portfolio sat on the floor beside the suitcase, and I couldn't help but pick it up and carry it into the living room. I wanted to take my time and really take in all that he'd put together. Only the smaller pieces would have fit in the hard plastic contraption he had them in, but anything done by him interested me.
I dropped down to the floor in the living room and unzipped the container, being careful as I pulled out a good handful of paintings and transferred them to the coffee table. I moved through them slowly, each picture tugging at a different part of my heart. To say I was fearful over having him paint me would have been an understatement.
The painting of Damon that lay before me on the table stole my breath. I'd seen it before, but knowing the story behind it and actually having the time to study it filled me with the horror of what Damon must have felt that day. His whole world came toppling down. Had he ever said anything to his dad about catching his mom cheating? Was that a burden he still carried around with him?
I moved to the next picture and smiled. Bethany.
The intricate lines and brush strokes were perfect. She looked a little tired and her cheeks were sunk in, but maybe she'd gained weight and come back to life since Matt met her.
I reached out and brushed my fingers over the dark circles under her eyes.
"What's your story?" I whispered and sat back on my heels. Matt hadn't left me. Not that he wouldn't leave soon to go back to Texas, but he hadn't snuck out in the cover of darkness during the night. He thought more of me than that, or so I hoped.
I couldn't help but reflect on my life as I stared at Bethany's portrait. I wanted to be
part of the world where she might be my sister-in-law someday. Where my career could shift from being what I had to do to what I wanted to do. Where being in love with a good man was possible and enjoying the fruits of our combined passions was probable.
It was almost too much to dream about seeing that nothing in my life had gone as according to plan. I was working in a job that I enjoyed, but didn't love. I'd locked up my heart four years ago after college and hadn't even considered giving anyone else a try. I was going through the motions and had stopped following my dreams... but when did that happen? When did I decide to stop living and just survive?
The door opened across the living room and Matt walked in with a box of something and a bouquet of flowers.
"You're up." He smiled and set the box down as I stood to my feet and walked toward him.
Do I hug him? Kiss him? Pat his chest? Ugh.
"Yeah. I thought maybe you left during the night. You had about thirty more minutes before I called to hunt you down. Everything okay?" I took the flowers he handed to me and pressed my nose to them, breathing in deeply and smiling.
"Yeah. I just wanted to grab breakfast. The flowers are to say thank you for letting me stay with you this weekend. I hope I haven't imposed too much on you."
He was being considerate, but cool. Too cool. He was trying to figure me out as much as I was trying to figure him out. And so the dance truly begins.
"Not at all. What's in the box?" I moved into the kitchen and worked to get the flowers into a vase.
"Pastries. I wasn't sure what you like, but I figured everyone likes pastries, right?"
"Absolutely." I turned and picked up an apple tart from the box before moving toward him and giving him a quick hug. One of us had to bend. After the passionate night of bringing each other over the edge time and time again, we weren't going to shake hands and go our separate ways. We might have to take things slow, but there was no way I was going to let awkwardness break down what we had started to build through our shared passion.
"What's up for today? I can go find something to do if you have plans." He took a big bite of his breakfast and gave me a goofy grin as my heart softened.
