by Billy Wong
It took about two seconds before they stopped her. "Nevermind, here, take some money! Take it, take it!"
#
Rose's mother opened the door and greeted her happily. "Rose! Thank goodness you're alright! I was so worried about you—Derrick wrote and told me you ran away! But why do you have the word 'Paladin' written on your armor?"
"I'm glad to see you too, Mom," the weary warrior said with a smile. "And a kid put it there, and I found it fitting."
"Why did you leave? You just had kids, why would you leave them without their mother?"
Rose shook her head. "I just couldn't be around him anymore. I couldn't stand the thought of him right there in that building with me, and yet being farther away than ever. Don't worry, I left my kids in Derrick's care, and I trust him completely."
"The two of you had a fight? Derrick told me as much, but I thought you were inseparable." Lise stared at the many trophies hanging from her arms and neck. "And what have you been doing since you left?"
"It was more than a fight—he's been dehumanizing himself with his work." By now she felt certain his continued use of magic had contributed to his transformation, for where else would the energy have come from to feed it? "As for me, I've been making myself feel useful again, and trying to forget the pain that fills my shredded heart."
"Dehumanizing himself?" Lise asked fearfully. "What terrible immoral deeds did he involve you in?"
She couldn't help a bitter laugh. "No, I meant literally dehumanizing himself. He's been slowly turning into a dragon or dragonlike thing for the last... I don't know how long, but a long time."
Rose's mother wiped a tear from her daughter's cheek. "That's terrible, to lose the one you love to such a curse."
"What's worse is that he's doing it of his own free will. He won't stop using his damn magic, even if that could possibly save everything else he holds dear."
"It is a real shame, but you've got to go back to your children. You can't abandon them over anything, even something this heartbreaking."
Rose sniffed. "I know, Mom. I'll go back someday, after Finn is gone. I just can't bear to be in his presence right now—both after what he did, and the way I tried to verbally destroy him."
"That sounds like it'd be justified."
"Maybe it was, but I thought I'd always support him in whatever he had to do, even if I didn't really agree. But I couldn't, even though it was what he really wanted."
"Everybody's got a line they won't cross. It's not shameful that giving up humanity is yours. But what he's doing, is abandoning his own children as well. If you do the same, you won't be much better than him."
"I told you, I will go back. Just not now, the hurt's too great... and how am I supposed to be a mother alone when I haven't a clue how to fulfill that role?"
"Do you think other mothers are born knowing what to do?"
"Compared to me, yes!" Rose insisted. "I know you'll tell me I simply have to learn, but it's just so hard! And don't tell me all I need to do is give them my love and nurture. I've had enough of useless vague advice."
Lise sighed. "Do what you want, Rose, you're a grown woman after all. But I hope you'll make the right choice, and not wait twenty years to find your children again. Because then, will they even recognize you?"
"I don't know what I want yet, but I doubt I'll wait twenty years. Thanks for listening, Mom. I'll come back when my heart's settled a bit, and stay for a while. Bye for now." Saying so, Rose left. Tears filled Lise's eyes to see her daughter run, unable for all her haste to lose the despair which dogged her.
#
Walking away from her mother's house, Rose wondered if anything she'd done in the name of "good" had really been worth it. She didn't doubt she'd made other people happy, even saved their lives, but her own happiness never lasted long. Yes, there were friendships she'd developed over her years as a warrior, and her great love with Finn, however brief. But people who weren't warriors and didn't fight for good had strong friendships and love too, and didn't have to suffer the same hardships.
Rose weighed the joy she'd felt at her accomplishments and her guilt for her failures, and even some of her successes, and thought she had probably spent more time dwelling on her guilt. Too, she wondered how much she'd shortened her life by taking the horrible wounds she often suffered, and fought through, in her battles. Though she never spoke of it, sometimes terrible pain deep inside assailed her for no visible cause. She dreaded what she'd find if she could look into herself and see what damage had been done to her innards. Scars covered the outside of her body, and she supposed it wouldn't be much different inside—though the effects might be much more serious. Though her external scars had troubled her little when she'd had Finn, now she also questioned if she'd ever be able to find another man willing to accept her.
Even if she did find such a man, it'd be hard to ever truly let go of Finn, the man she'd always thought would be with her forever, her one true love until he'd shattered her dreams by forsaking her for his goddamned magic. Too, she doubted if she'd even get to see her children grow up if she continued on her path of battle. Someday even her great vitality, tremendous though it was, might not save her from a fatal wound she took. It might not even save her from the breakdown of her damaged organs... and she'd lost friends, and now her love, in some of the most awful ways she could think of.
Though other people also lost treasured relationships, she thought at least their reasons would be less regrettable than hers. After all, she'd had to kill friends in the past, when the tides of battles turned them against each other one way or another. She'd never let go of her guilt for men like the great knight Jacob and her former comrade Peter, who'd only done what they thought right at the time and forced her to slay them in awful battle. What had she really done that was worthwhile to her?
Yes, she'd saved the kingdom. What did she have for it? She was a "hero" to many thousands, a lot of whom wouldn't raise a finger to help her if they thought it'd put them in danger, though she put herself in danger for their sake. Most people were selfish in her eyes, and she'd striven so hard not to be herself, but it was very tempting now for Rose to give in. And she didn't really view herself as much of a hero either; she'd made far too many mistakes and committed too many horrible deeds to think that.
She'd gained wealth and some power, having been given a noble title and taken a small kingdom's worth of spoils from her enemies. But she'd never really desired to be nobility, and believed she would've had a less miserable life being the wife of some young merchant or craftsman than the wealthy warrior she was now.
As for the fame she'd won? Did it ever get her anything tangible besides tiresome bar fights? People recognized her and marveled at her feats, but she'd never taken great joy in that. At best she felt mildly amused by the gawking of strangers, and at worst grew annoyed of it. She knew her fame had gained her trust among some people, but she wouldn't even have had to deal with most of those people not being the adventurer and warrior she was. Thinking of the futility of her life at least with regard to her own happiness, Rose rode dejectedly down the road, not sure where she would go next.
But even if her heart did grow cold and uncaring—much though she hated to think of it—and she became an evil monster, she knew she would be an evil monster of a warrior. Whether she liked it or not, this was what she was now, first and foremost—a warrior, and too much of one to be satisfied with anything else. Indeed, being a warrior had become as integral a part of her as being a woman.
For all she doubted herself, though, she realized deep in her heart she would never give up the fight for good. No matter how much it hurt her, she'd keep doing all she could for the rest of humanity, because she knew what pain—the pain of losing love, friends, family, joy, hope—was, and didn't want one more person to suffer like that if she could help it. Fighting to help others made her feel useful, powerful, purposeful. She could not waste the strength she had, even if using it gave no real benefit to herself.
Though her heart hurt terribly, Rose knew her pain would fade with time. She looked forward to when she could feel good again about what she did, and she'd keep doing what she thought was right in the meantime. Even if she couldn't take pleasure in it right now, she knew she'd regret not doing it in the future. Resolving to carry herself through it all with the strength Finn had always loved in her, she settled on her new destination of Coblan, hoping to find some comfort with her friend Loreen.
Chapter 8
Derrick was completely overwhelmed. Finn had disappeared shortly after Rose did, taking with him a thick spellbook and little else. Now it fell to the hapless scholar to run the center, help the researchers learn the basics of magic, and raise his friends' children, all by himself. Of course he hired a babysitter to watch the kids while he was teaching, and more support staff, but teaching magic was more than a full-time occupation in itself for the inexperienced Derrick who himself continually needed to learn. Though he understood they were in an incredibly rough spot, he couldn't help but be slightly angry at the two who'd totally abandoned him to pick up the pieces they'd left behind. He got sleep only sporadically, and often found himself dozing off at the most inopportune moments—like when he'd been discovered napping in the washroom during a scheduled training exercise. At this rate, he'd drop dead of exhaustion before he saw the center fall apart.
He heard a knock on his bedroom door as he tried to calm the screaming baby Jacob, who he rocked gently back and forth while humming a happy tune. Still holding the infant, Derrick opened the door. "Master Derrick! I didn't know you had kids," the red-haired, chubby girl—a rare female scholar named Julie—commented.
Derrick laughed, and clarified, "I don't. These belong to my friends, the couple who used to run this center. They're gone."
"That's terrible. Both their mother and their father? What happened?" The girl sounded quite sad, and Derrick remembered she had arrived after Rose and Finn left.
"No, I didn't mean they were dead! They had a bitter argument over something and left shortly after."
Julie stared. "And they just left their kids? How terrible!"
"Well, Rose left them in my care, it's not like she threw them out on the street. She was having real trouble with motherhood. She always complained she didn't have any idea what to do. But to be honest, I don't either."
"Here, let me help."
Derrick handed Jacob to her, and she began to do much the same thing he had been. "That's not going to do it," he said. To his surprise, Jacob quieted down. "How'd you do that?"
"It just happens. How about you let me help you some more? I can plainly see, like everyone, that you're dying here."
He remembered seeing in the mirror great swollen circles under his bloodshot eyes and a drooping, haggard face. "You'd do that for me? What's the catch?"
"I've been having a lot of trouble with certain sounds in the magic language, and I want some private tutoring to help me get it right. I'm not asking for a lot of time, just a few hours a week."
In exchange for skilled help with the children, that would be more than reasonable. "All right, I'll tutor you."
Julie smiled, exclaimed, "Great!" and forcefully shook his hand.
Derrick watched her stand there for a few seconds before asking, "Uh, what are you still doing here?"
"Babysitting, what else?"
"You want to start now?"
"Why not? Get some sleep, Master Derrick, you need it."
"Yes, I do. Thanks... and you can just call me Derrick." Gratefully, he made his weary way into bed, not at all disturbed by the way Julie kept her eyes on him.
#
Rose knocked on Loreen's door, the sight of the familiar log cabin already beginning to soothe her. To her surprise, Loreen's brothers greeted her with bare steel in hand. Blinking at their hastily lowered swords, she asked, "What wrong? Where's Loreen?"
"Prince Wilner took her," said one of the twins.
Her wounded warrior soul stirred with anticipation at the thought of a real battle at hand. With grim excitement, she thanked Prince Wilner for giving her a reason to fight him. "Does he still reside in Armand as he used to?"
"Yes, he's back in the castle."
"Then it's time to relive old memories. Don't worry, I'll get your sister back. Not only that, but I'll get rid of that brutal prince for good this time."
The brothers stared at her; they knew the great warrior she was, but her thirst for this fight clearly surprised them. They could not know the turmoil in her heart, which she had not been able to shake no matter what she did. Now she saw the chance to save a friend, and in doing justify feeling good about herself again.
For the second time Rose stormed the gates of the royal castle, alone unlike before as she knocked out one guard with a heavy punch and threw another into the moat. The rest ran at the mere sight of her. She made her way to Prince Wilner's throne room, noting its stark, foreboding appearance. The tall warrior sat calmly in his chair, on a platform a few short steps above the floor of the chamber.
"Rose. Whatever do you want here?"
"To kill you," she said with a cold glare, and charged. He sprang from his seat lightning-fast as ever, two axes coming down in a high arc towards her. A flurry of thunderous strikes rang against her sword and shield. They traded numerous blows evenly, and Wilner grinned relishing a fight against a worthy foe. Suddenly, the nimble prince ducked to the right as he parried a slash from Rose and chopped into her side.
The wound might have felled a lesser warrior, but Rose only glowered at the dripping blade and its wielder. "I have first blood," the smiling prince said. He came on strong, driving her back towards the short stair she'd run up. Reaching the edge, Rose lost her balance for a moment in her pain. Wilner kicked her in the solar plexus so hard she went flying over most of the steps. She landed in one of the worst ways possible, her lower back crashing onto the edge of the bottommost step. "I'm glad to finally get the chance to avenge my loss to you," Wilner beamed.
Rose stood painfully to see her opponent jump down the stairs at her, axes flashing through the air. She sidestepped the descending blades and landed a glancing punch, but Wilner elbowed her in the face when she tried to take further advantage. She wondered then if it was the pregnancy weight she'd gained, or her long break from fighting a real opponent, which made her so slow. Laughing, Wilner followed up with an axe handle-filled fist in her face. He swung an axe at Rose's neck. She barely stopped it with her sword. The next blow ripped into her hip and sent blood running down her leg. She staggered, and Wilner's downward slash caught her shoulder. Rose fell on her back before her relentless foe's blades.
"My greatest victory," the dark prince proclaimed, only to see her spring angrily back to her feet.
She could barely keep her shield up and bled badly, but Rose smiled. "You should know better than that." She countered his next attack perfectly, catching an axe under the head with her shield and wrenching it to the side. He held onto the axe, but stumbled. Before he regained his balance, she hit the same axe hard enough to knock it out of his hand.
Now she forced him to defend himself with only one axe, assaulting him with both sword and shield. Her shield slammed into his gut. He backpedaled. She stabbed him in the thigh, and he yelled. An upward stroke grazed his chin, a downward slash laid open his forearm. He retreated up the stairs and began to beat her back, holding the higher ground. But then Rose caught his descending axe on her sword and thrust her shield between his legs. She briefly carried him towards his throne an
d threw him down onto the great wooden chair, shattering it.
"Tell me where Loreen is," she said, raising her sword again.
Her friend's voice reached her ears. "Rose, stop!" Looking around, she saw that Loreen had just entered the room, and regarded her with a frightened expression.
"So should I kill him now or what?" Rose asked casually.
The one-armed woman ran to her and took her bloody arm. "Don't. He didn't do anything."
"Your brothers told me he kidnapped you," the confused Rose recalled.
"No. Wilner asked me to come, and I did of my own free will. I told my brothers so. They probably thought I was lying to them to protect them. He's harmless right now, Rose. He'll be too busy trying to fix Coblan to consider another invasion for years."
"But what did Wilner want with you?"
Regaining his feet, the prince answered her question himself. "I needed to rebuild my Royal Guard, and she was one of the only veterans left after the war. So even though I had demoted her before, she is a good warrior, and so I invited her back."
Rose was still confused. "But why would you come back to work for this man who tried to kill you before?"
"That was then. But now we both want to rebuild Coblan, our mutual home, and thus have to put our differences aside. Don't kill him. Coblan needs his leadership."
Wilner smirked at Rose, but she spat in his face, and to her surprise he only stood there though he shook with anger. "All right," she finally conceded, "but if you ever bring your forces into my country again, I will kill you."
The prince sneered, but said, "Worry not, Rose. I respect you. You truly are the greatest warrior on the continent, and that huge lover of yours may be the third after you and me. As long as Kayland has defenders like you, I won't try to invade it again." But the way he said the last sentence hinted at a hidden threat and Rose grinned, welcoming whatever he'd try.
She turned back to her friend. "So, can I borrow you for a while from the prince? I want to talk, and also your brothers need to be reassured you're okay. Guess I might have to vouch for evil guy here."
