by Billy Wong
He finally looked at her and asked, "She really said that?"
"Yes, really."
His next words made her cringe. "I doubt she'd say the same if we asked her now."
For a moment she thought to say something reassuring about the afterlife, since she knew for a fact such a thing as a soul existed, at least. But she was no priest, and too many religions contradicted each other on what happened after death. So instead, she just said, "Well, we can't. So let's trust her words from when she lived."
"I should, shouldn't I?" Derrick sighed. "It's admirable of you to try and cheer me up, and you're a good friend. But I can't just let go that easily of despair. I'm not you, I can't rebound from whatever happens like nothing."
His words reminded her far too much of Julie's on her deathbed, and she said softly, "I haven't rebounded like it's nothing. See my tears? They're not just out of sympathy for you. They're me bleeding right from my shredded heart. It's tearing me apart, you know, everything that's happened and what you're doing to yourself. I need you to help yourself, in part—selfish as this may sound—because it'll help me. I'm dying inside."
"Then why don't you run back to your count and let him lick your wounds?"
Rose gaped. "W-what?" Desperate for a distraction from her emotional turmoil, she'd finally given in to Brandon's advances over the week prior to Julie's funeral, but hadn't thought anyone knew. A stupid assumption perhaps, but one her stricken mind had forced itself to believe.
"It wasn't that hard to figure out. I bet Finn will know soon, too. I'm sure he won't shy away from talking to the soldiers, even if he's a dragon."
"He was honestly trying to help," she whispered. "I couldn't stop him—I hadn't the strength even for a harsh word, or to deny the slightest aid. I'm sorry for my weakness. But I would've done anything to get away from the pain, to forget it if only for a few moments of physical pleasure."
Derrick looked at her with outrage for his friend Finn's sake, and as ashamed as she was of her misdeeds she felt relief to see something other than crushing grief in him again. "After all you two have been through, I can't believe you still managed to betray him. Who would've thought a great hero could act like a common whore?"
"I couldn't see clearly then. It's no excuse for adultery, but I-I didn't mean..." Rose was unable to continue, and broke down crying.
His anger ebbed slightly at her distraught state, and he amended, "Okay, maybe not quite a whore. Rose, I'm sorry. But you know he won't easily forgive you, right?"
Those words terrified her no less than the thought of death, but thinking of Finn's pride she thought them to be true. Most men would hate a wife who so wronged them, and he was a man among men. More to herself than to Derrick, she sobbed, "He's got to. I can't live without him."
"You'll know how I feel, then."
Despite knowing the wrong she'd done, and of his own mental state, she couldn't help being angered by his unforgiving attitude. "So I made a mistake and broke my most sacred vows. So what? You said yourself our lives don't matter, if so then what's a broken promise? I was weak in one way, yes. Am I not allowed a few chinks in my armor? I've done everything I could for Finn and you, and recently I've gotten quite little in return, I think. It's been hard, I have needs too—can't they be fulfilled?"
"Men and women have been away from their loves longer than Finn's been a dragon. Have you no will to hold your love secure? You know he loves you still, does he have to be able to consummate it for it to count?"
"I-it wasn't that," Rose said, choking on her words. "He's grown more and more irritable and detached, in his dragon state. Plus, while you're right it hasn't been so long since he changed, I don't know if he'll ever be a man again. I began to lose hope a while ago, and what's left now is weak. Besides, why can a person only love one other at a time? What is so inherently wrong with loving two? Powerful Sevrian men take more than one wife. It's not that I don't love Finn anymore, I still do—but he can't satisfy the bodily aspect of love. Though we've tried, it just isn't the same. So when such a man like Brandon came along, one of the few I imagine who would ever look past my scars, of course it was hard to resist. I'm surprised I kept him away for as long as I did."
"It was wrong."
"Why?"
The scholar considered for a while. "Maybe you have a point, and loving two men isn't wrong in itself. But when you married him, you gave your word you wouldn't betray him, and he you. So even if the act itself isn't necessarily evil on its own, by breaking your word to Finn you do him wrong."
He was right. She'd unconsciously convinced herself that Finn was lost to her; in her despair she'd all but given up on seeing him human again, too upset over Julie to entertain dreams of a happy future. It had almost been as if he'd been dead, and widows shouldn't be doomed to loneliness forever, should they? But she recognized this to be a poor justification, and that she had been wrong.
"Okay, I did a bad thing. I was hurting really bad, but that isn't an excuse. I wish you could try to understand a little more, though."
"I was probably taking out my frustrations on you," Derrick said as a semblance of calm returned to both of them. "I know you're still a good person, and I don't want you to have your heart broken again. I am really angry at you, though. You idiot, why'd you bring us here? You would've been better off having just Finn with you by far." He cried quietly for several minutes before continuing. "But what I said about how Finn will react still stands. You're in big trouble."
Finally hearing what he truly begrudged her brought new tears to her eyes, for he was so justified in doing so. But she begged him desperately, "Please don't tell him."
"He'll find out either way, I'm sure. Maybe it'd be best if you told him yourself."
She thought about it. It probably was the right thing to do, but she needed Finn's support in these unhappy times, and wouldn't have it if he learned of her infidelity. She'd only incur his wrath, the form of which she feared to see. "I-I can't. I really can't bear his anger right now. Please, please, please don't tell him. I promise I will myself when I'm ready, though I know my word's not that good, but please believe me."
Derrick slowly began to nod, but stopped. "He might already know, or at least suspect. Rumor spreads fast."
"Then let's go now. I know it's tough, but help me out just this once?"
He still seemed reluctant to keep Finn in the dark, but finally said, "I suppose you've saved my life enough times to deserve this one little favor. I won't tell, so let's go before he hears from somebody here."
"Thank you so much. Will you let me help you deal with your grief?"
He scoffed. "Don't push it, Rose. I'd rather not learn from your example for sure."
Hanging her head, she whispered, "Sorry." But her guilt and shame didn't stop her from dragging Derrick quickly outside to meet the waiting Finn.
#
Rose and Derrick emerged from the fort, and Finn felt glad his love had been able to persuade the grief-stricken scholar to come home. Rose's face drooped with great hurt, and he figured Derrick must've put a lot a blame on her for Julie's death. Don't worry, he reassured her. You did everything you could. She didn't reply, but only cringed at his words, and he turned to Derrick. Don't be angry at her. She did her best to look out for all of us. So how are you holding up?
Derrick didn't look up as he merely shrugged. It seemed like there was something he wanted to say, but he held it in, and Finn's gloom grew to imagine his inner distress. He looked from Derrick to Rose and back, and seeing neither of them apparently wanting to talk sighed. Well, if we're not going to chat, get on. Maybe the familiar Gustrone air will get you to stop pretending to be carcasses. Then he somewhat regretted his choice of words, but if his insensitivity got any response from them, it'd be better than this.
Before either of them could chide him, they all heard approaching footsteps and looked to see Count Brandon walking towards them. The count waved and shouted, "Rose, are you already leaving? It's your choice, b
ut I hope you'll visit again soon. Thank you for everything. I know you've been through a lot, and I hope I was able to help you at least a little bit. Goodbye, and I wish you find happiness again soon!"
Finn appreciated the words despite who they came from, welcoming any kindness towards Rose now. However, the look in Brandon's eyes surprised him; rather than the longing gaze he'd come to hate over the course of the last battle, the count seemed to regard Rose only like one would an admired comrade. Finn hoped it meant that Brandon had gotten over his obsessive desire for his love, but wondered why this would be. Had the count reunited with the woman in charge of the fort? He'd be glad either way, as long as Brandon kept his sights and hands off Rose from now on.
Now Finn realized neither Rose nor Derrick had responded to the count, and replied for them, Farewell, Count. You're a good ally to have in a fight.
"You too, and farewell."
Finn waited for Rose or Derrick to say something, but for a surprising time neither spoke. "Bye, Brandon," Rose finally said. "I wish we could part in a happier time. Take care."
Finn could almost feel Rose nudging Derrick to say goodbye, but the heartbroken young man refused to speak. The dragon slowly took wing, soldiers watching with awe while his huge body ascended into the sky. He heard many cheers as they rose into the town's view, but he wondered when the three of them would ever be happy again.
#
A few hours into the trip back to Gustrone, Rose fingered the healing device around her neck and said, "Finn, we need to stop by Hullel. Derrick borrowed the magic amulet from the hospital there, and we've no use for it right now."
Only now did Derrick remember the promise he made when he borrowed the amulet, and the neck injury of the boy he'd taken it from. It was probably too late to heal him now. But he didn't fear to face whatever anger he might when he returned it; he thought his heart already too hurt to feel much pain from strangers' words, though he knew Rose wouldn't share that sentiment.
"Yeah, I'll go give it back. You just visit your mom, Rose, you need it."
She seemed surprised by his concern after the argument they'd had, which unknown to her was also his way of avoiding her company. Annoyingly cheerful again already, she smiled and said, "Yes I do! We'll meet up wherever we leave Finn, right Finn?"
Derrick wasn't amused by the dragon's answer. Yes, your loyal mule will wait patiently. The couple's attempts to pretend everything was all right irked him, for they had begun to joke around after departing Resnick as if leaving the place of Julie's tragedy removed it from their minds. It had been Finn, unaware of her adultery, who'd slowly brought cheer back to the glum Rose, and Derrick was somewhat tempted to reveal her betrayal.
How are you still so fat? Shouldn't killing five hundred something monsters have been enough exercise to burn some of it off? he remembered Finn asking her.
"It was only a few hours of activity," she had replied.
Well, I guess it was lucky you had all that fat to cushion you against those shots.
She'd laughed despite herself, and they had continued to banter after that. Derrick didn't like being left alone to wallow in his grief, and Rose guiltily wished that she would cling to the anger at herself she'd expressed before. He knew it was selfish and cruel to hope for the misery of another, but then, why shouldn't she suffer? Her folly had led to Julie's demise. Too, Finn's part in his love's death grew in his mind. How could he have been so weakened by a little arm wound that he wasn't able to fly Derrick the short distance to and back from Hullel? If Finn had been just a little tougher—like Rose, Derrick realized to his irritation—Julie would still be alive, and the two of them happily on their way back home. Perhaps Finn too could use a dose of misery from knowing Rose's disloyalty to him.
Looking up at her kind face though, her eyes still puffy and swollen, Derrick's anger towards Rose subsided a bit. She had indeed made a foolish mistake, but she'd tried her best to protect them after the fact. She had suffered enough, and seeing her suffer Finn's wrath would probably give Derrick less satisfaction than unhappiness. He might be doomed to die slowly inside, he thought, but his friends needn't go down with him.
The trip to the Hullel area was short on dragonback, and Derrick and Rose dismounted, the latter sharing a joke about stealing livestock with Finn. They walked together to Rose's hometown, Derrick trying to avoid conversation while they did. He didn't have the heart for the way she'd surely try to cheer him up. Rose's resilience could be contagious if you let it, but in truth he didn't want to forget the grief of his lost love so easily. If he did, he thought, it would be the first step in forgetting her.
"Derrick, are you okay?" Rose asked, not content to leave him alone with his misery. "You've barely said anything in hours."
"I'm fine," he insisted.
"People who are fine don't look away from their friends all day and act like their lips are glued together. Come on, let's talk."
He scoffed. "What good are words? Besides, I've already told you my feelings. Hasn't made it any better."
"I didn't mean I wanted you to tell me how you feel. I meant that we could just talk, about regular things. You know, like Finn did with me just now—it helped a lot, just to divert your mind from the pain."
Derrick began to grow angry again, because though he knew her sympathy was genuine, how could she possibly hope to understand what he felt? "Yes, but you didn't love Julie like I did."
Rose hung her head. "You're right, but it could help. You won't know unless you give it a chance. And I don't know if I should say this, but I do understand how you feel. I've lost a man I loved before." Derrick ignored her and kept walking, but then she asked, "What are you going to do when you get back to Gustrone? You're making like you want to mope forever, but what about the magic center?"
"I don't know if I care anymore about the center. I certainly don't have the thirst for learning now, and seeing so many eager faces will just rile me up."
"Julie wouldn't want you to shut down your whole life for her sake. The revival of spellcasting is your big dream, and now you'd give up when you're leading it? Who can take your place, with Finn unable to?"
Derrick didn't particularly care, but stealing a glance at Rose saw the upset and worry in her eyes. She really was concerned for him. Even if she couldn't help him, he supposed he ought to give her something in return. "How about you? You're not so much less skilled than me. I'm an amateur in magic too, really."
"You're one level of amateur better than me, at least, and still the best mage around now. Plus, I've still got to help Finn regain his humanity and raise my kids besides. Not to mention the odd fight, when my abilities are needed."
"How did you keep Julie alive as long as you did, anyway? You mentioned something about magic."
"I just tried my best to use a invigorating spell I've seen Finn cast. If only I'd studied that magic more carefully, maybe I could've kept her alive until you got back, dammit. I don't think I even cast it entirely properly, though I was able to compensate somewhat and wrest strengthening energy into her with my will."
Though Rose had failed to save Julie, that she'd managed to sustain her for so long without any actual skill was impressive. "See, Rose? You do have potential to be a mage, even if you say you're not that smart and whatnot. You might not have the most agile mind, but you have a strong one. When attempting to master the powerful energies magic can tap into, willpower is as important as skill. Surely willpower is one aspect of talent for magic."
She shrugged. "I know, Finn's told me that before... but I've never been inclined to dedicate myself to magic, and I doubt I will anytime soon. What I do best is fight, and all I need for that is my strong arm and a sturdy sword. I don't need magic."
"You may not need it, but it never hurts to develop another skill."
"Oh, I don't mean I won't study spellcasting at all. I already do, remember? It's nice to be able to make a fire without even sticks to rub together, and get water out of the air when there's none other
wise around. I'm going to keep learning useful little tricks to make life easier, you can bet on that. But I'll never be a consummate student of the arcane arts. I don't have time to study that much. Besides, I am a little scared of the higher levels of magic. Look what happened to Finn."
Of course, he realized. He would be wary of magic too if he'd had the same experience. It'd been after months of refusing to stop his study of magic despite knowing something was wrong that her husband had inadvertently absorbed vast elemental energies and turned himself into a dragon. "Rose, his abilities were greatly altered by that archmage. No way that'd happen to us, with our natural limits. Besides, we know better now than to repeat Finn's mistakes."
"I wouldn't make the same mistake, but maybe a new one. Who knows how I'd go astray? I've never been the wisest person outside combat, as you well know. I just can't trust myself to handle the stronger magics well."
"Make a mistake, and you can just learn from it."
Rose frowned, tears growing in her eyes. "Yes, but some mistakes carry too high a price to make." The words rang true, biting deeply into Derrick's heart though he knew they hurt her just as much. Finn's transformation. Julie's death. All the lives that Rose had seen ended or shattered because she hadn't done just a bit better, which he knew she hated herself for on her worse days.
He hugged her, right now not angry at the emotionally wounded warrior, and whispered, "You try so hard, and no matter that you screw up sometimes, I love you for it. Work at your own pace in magic and whatever else. You know better than me what you need to do."
Rose managed a grin. "Maybe, maybe not. I'll be happy for your guidance. We'll get through the hard times together—like we always did."
