You were born with the most incredible amount of hair. Great, thick tufts of such dark, dark hair. One of the nurses brought in a troll doll (they’re these little plastic dolls with crazy tall, brightly coloured hair that were big in the eighties) that she had at home and gave it to me because she thought it was such a great joke. I’ll keep it forever you know, that funny little doll with its shock of purple hair.
When Hannah finished reading she leaned into her husband’s shoulder and she felt just a slice of hope. Maybe he was right. Maybe your heart couldn’t be empty if you could feel like that for your children.
Liam and Hannah were driving home from one of their sessions with Elizabeth – Hannah’s new psychologist. Elizabeth had been helping them to tackle one problem after another – Hannah’s food issues, her need to strive for perfection, all of her fears and insecurities. But today had been more of a couple’s therapy and at the end of the session, Elizabeth had leaned forward and announced happily, ‘Right, I’m forewarning you – next session we’re going to take a look at your sex life, so be prepared!’
So now the car seemed filled with tension as they both avoided talking about what Elizabeth had said. Hannah was driving and Liam was keeping his eyes fixed on the passing world through the passenger window. But Hannah eventually broke it. ‘So you think we’re supposed to do homework for the nest session?’ Liam looked over at her, momentarily confused, but he realised what she meant and they both started to laugh. The tension dissipated and they began to relax.
‘Do you want to . . . you know, do any homework?’ Liam asked.
‘I don’t know, do you?’ Hannah responded shyly.
‘God look at us, together eight years, married for four, and we’re acting like teenagers about to do it for the first time. I guess it’s been a while though, right?’ Liam suddenly spoke very quickly, ‘It has been a while, hasn’t it? I mean, you didn’t meet anyone in London, did you?’
‘No!’ Hannah almost let the car swerve off into the shoulder in her rush to reassure Liam.
‘Absolutely not, I could never!’
‘Sorry, just checking.’
‘That’s okay, but you believe me, right? You trust me?’
‘Of course,’ said Liam, and he meant it.
‘And you? It was never more than just that one kiss . . . right?’ Hannah sucked in her breath as she waited for a response.
‘I promise you – that was it, one stupid kiss.’
‘Good.’
They drove on in silence for several more minutes. As they finally pulled into their driveway, Hannah turned off the ignition and looked at Liam. ‘Tonight, kids in bed, dinner and then you and me: homework,’ and then she hopped out of the car quickly before Liam could respond, but as he watched her head towards the front door, she glanced back at him, still in the car, and he saw that she was smiling cheekily at him.
A few days later, Hannah was wandering along the footpath, pushing Ethan in his stroller, keeping an eye on Gracie as she trotted ahead, stopping every now and then to pick up interesting stones or examine ants crossing the path. They had just spent about an hour at the playground around the corner. Ethan had sat on a picnic rug, gurgling at his toys, while Hannah had pushed Gracie on the swings, caught her at the bottom of the slide and spun her on the roundabout. Ethan still cried whenever Hannah held him, but Hannah had accepted that enduring his disapproving wails must be her punishment. Perhaps he would never love her? Elizabeth had tried to assure her that this was not in fact the case and that such thoughts were not conducive to her recovery – but she couldn’t help it; Ethan practically dived out of her arms whenever Liam was in sight.
As they neared their house, Hannah heard the roar of a motorbike coming around the corner. ‘Look, Gracie, here comes the postie. Wonder if she’ll have any mail for us!’
Gracie beamed; she loved waving to the postie each afternoon. They sped up so that they could reach the mailbox at the same time as the letters arrived. Their postie lifted the visor on her helmet and smiled at Gracie. ‘You want to take this from me, sweetheart?’
Gracie looked ecstatic as she collected their mail and then they waved as the bike puttered on up the street and Hannah and the kids headed inside.
‘What have we got? Anything interesting?’ Hannah asked as she lifted Ethan out of the stroller and then quickly deposited him onto the rug in the middle of the living room floor, just as his bottom lip was starting to quiver.
‘Nah,’ said Gracie, ‘it’s just junk.’ And she chucked the mail onto the couch in perfect imitation of her father. Hannah suppressed a laugh as she picked up the letters to see what they actually were. She leafed through a few bills and then stopped as she found a bulky envelope with an airmail stamp. She flipped it over and a smile spread across her face. It was from India!
Tearing the envelope open, she sank into the couch to read the letter.
Dear Han,
Just a short one to say hi. I was in New York last week, and I started thinking of you. Remember when we met, you told me you were training for the New York marathon. Ha! You great big dork. Anyway, thought I’d make an honest woman out of you (see enclosed tickets, there’s only three, Ethan would fly for free, right?). You’ve got about five months to train up for it – if I can, I’ll meet you there, okay? To be honest, I don’t know where I’ll be by then, but for now, I’m thinking about spending some time by the river, so I can tell that little girl to stop crying for her lost parents and move on. I wish I could give her a hug.
Love,
India
x
Hannah smiled as she touched the writing gently with her fingertips. Oh India. Then she checked the envelope. Hannah gasped – inside were three plane tickets to New York. She couldn’t believe that India had spent so much of her savings on her. And then she saw a letter, confirming Hannah’s entry into the New York marathon for November that year.
Hannah laughed out loud.
Hannah was putting sunscreen on the kids. Gracie was obediently standing frozen in front of her, lips pursed, eyes scrunched as Hannah spread the cream across her face. Liam appeared behind her and she immediately handed over the tube. ‘Good, you can do Ethan.’
They were about to head out to Leichhardt. They were going to take a look at a few places they were considering buying and then head over the bridge to Drummoyne to take the kids on the bay walk. Afterwards, dinner at Birkenhead Point. It was one of those perfect winter days, early on in June, when the air was crisp but the sky was clear and blue and if you stood directly under the sun you could pretend that summer was just about to appear – instead of it being months away.
Liam took the sunscreen and sighed. ‘Are you asking me to do it because you have your hands full with Gracie or because you’re afraid to touch Ethan?’ he asked.
‘Umm, first reason,’ she replied quickly.
‘Humph,’ he said, distrustfully.
‘Look, he still screams whenever I hold him. He hates me, Liam. It’s okay, I’ve accepted it, but it’s just easier for everyone if you deal with him and I deal with Gracie, right?’
‘Hannah! No, he’s your son. We can’t split the kids up into teams! You just have to keep persevering with him.’
‘You’re right, you are absolutely right . . . But not today. Soon, promise.’ Hannah smiled hopefully at Liam and he shook his head as he sat down on the couch with Ethan on his lap and began smothering his skin in the cream.
The phone rang then and Liam made to pass Ethan over to Hannah so he could go and grab it, but she sidestepped around him and raced for the kitchen to answer it herself.
‘Hello,’ she said into the receiver.
‘Hi, love.’ The voice was slightly gruff, maybe even nervous.
‘Oh, hi, Dad.’
Conversations with her father were usually quite short and sweet, so Hannah paused as she waited t
o see why it was that he had called.
‘So listen. Carol’s suggested we have a family dinner. Everyone’s so pleased that you’re back and that you’re okay. Your step-sisters and step-brother will be there. It’s next Saturday night. Can you make it?’
‘Umm . . .’ Hannah hesitated, but before she could think it through and respond, her father cut in.
‘Wonderful,’ he said, as though she had happily agreed. ‘Carol will be so happy that you’re coming.’
Hannah took down the details of the restaurant and hung up the phone. She stood still for a moment, wondering how she felt about seeing her whole step-family, wondering what they would think of her and what she had done. Liam appeared in the doorway.
‘Ready to go?’ he asked.
‘Sure,’ she nodded.
‘Who was on the phone?’
‘Dad. He wants us to go to dinner next Saturday. It’ll be a whole family thing.’
Hannah followed Liam back through to the living room and picked up the nappy bag while Liam carried Ethan and took Gracie by the hand. ‘What do you think?’ he asked as they headed out through the front door, locking it behind them.
‘Can’t say I’m in love with the idea. What if it’s really awkward? What if they hate me? It’s not like I was ever that close to them to begin with – imagine what they think of me now.’
They strapped the kids into the car and hopped into the front seats. ‘Look, have a think about it over the next few days; if it’s really making you uncomfortable, then we can always politely decline. But I really doubt anyone will have a problem with you. They’ll understand that you were going through something tough. Amy was good to you – wasn’t she?’
‘Yeah . . . I guess.’
The majority of the car ride to Leichhardt was spent playing eye-spy with Gracie, and then the house hunting involved squeezing their way into each place along with twenty or thirty other prospective buyers – apparently it was a sellers’ market just now. Finally they gave up and headed to the water to take their walk, hauling Gracie’s trike as well as Ethan’s stroller out of the boot when they arrived and parked. Hannah was glad they’d thought to put on sunscreen; despite the cooler air, the sun was high in the sky, beating pleasantly warm rays down on them as they walked.
Halfway around the bay walk, they took a break and sat down on a bench to rest. Ethan was fast asleep in his stroller and Gracie was pedalling her trike in circles as she waited for her parents to get moving again.
Liam was resting the tips of his fingers gently on the back of Hannah’s neck, his eyes on the silver edged water in front of them.
‘Tell me more of what I missed while I was gone,’ said Hannah suddenly.
Liam turned to look at her, surprised. ‘You sure you want to talk about that? You won’t find it too upsetting?’
Hannah nodded.
‘Oh! I know something you missed. I can’t believe I forget to tell you about this. We got a pet bird.’
‘What do you mean? I haven’t seen any bird.’
‘Yes well, that’s because he only lasted twenty-four hours. I was trying to cheer Gracie up one day while we were at the shops. It was an impulse buy, beautiful cockatiel, cost over a hundred bucks. Got it home, set him up in his cage, had a big talk with Gracie about taking care of pets – she was thrilled, she named him Gary, by the way. Next morning she got up before me. When I came out into the kitchen the cage was empty. I asked her, “Gracie, where’s Gary?” “He’s just having a play date with his friends,” she says. Turns out she saw a flock of birds in the back yard, so she decided to take Gary out of his cage and release him out the back door. Needless to say, I decided we could replace Gary when she’s a little older.’
Hannah laughed. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t know you guys bought a bird.’ She shook her head. ‘Dammit, there’s so much that I really did miss.’
‘See, I knew we shouldn’t start talking about this. It’s just going to upset you.’
‘No,’ Hannah said firmly. ‘They’re my children; I need to know what happened in their lives while I was gone. Tell me more.’
As they stood up and began to walk again, Hannah pushing Ethan’s stroller and Liam guiding Gracie with the handle at the back of her trike, Liam filled Hannah in on one story after another. The week where Ethan decided bath time was torture and screamed for the entire duration of each and every bath, from the moment Liam began to undress him until he was dry and fully dressed once again, and how Gracie would put her hands over her ears and sing loudly to try and drown him out, which just added to the noise and commotion.
The day that Gracie ran away from Liam in the supermarket and he panicked because he thought he’d completely lost her, but it turned out she had sat herself down on one of the lower shelves and opened up a box of Weet-Bix to eat. A bemused looking older couple had spotted her and pointed her out to Liam.
Liam paused before telling her the next story. ‘Han, there’s one more thing that happened while you were gone. I haven’t told you about it because I was worried it would upset you . . .’
He hesitated and Hannah nodded at him reassuringly. ‘You can tell me.’
‘A few nights after you left, when I guess Gracie was starting to worry about where you were, she came into our room and found your nighty under your pillow. She told me she wanted to wear it to bed, and I started to say, “No, it’s too big for you, it won’t fit.” But she was adamant. Anyway, she ended up wearing it to bed every single night from then on. If it needed a wash, I had to have it dried and back to her within the day so she could wear it again that night. The first night, after we found you at Luna Park, I saw her sneak the nighty back into our room and under your pillow again. As though she thought, “Right, I don’t need that any more, I’ve got the real thing back.”’
Hannah turned her face towards the water, her neck slightly strained. She didn’t want Liam to see how upset she was.
‘Liam,’ she said quietly, ‘I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for what I did.’
‘Yes you can,’ Liam said firmly. ‘Because you know what? Gracie’s forgiven you and Ethan’s forgiven you and I know that you think he hasn’t because he keeps crying when you hold him, but that’s going to change, okay?’ Liam stopped walking and flung out an arm to stop Hannah as well. He turned to face her, grabbed hold of her hands and said firmly, ‘And I forgive you, Hannah.’
It was Sunday afternoon and Liam had popped out with Gracie to take a look at another place for sale in Leichhardt. The real estate agent had called to say he already had an offer on a place that they were interested in seeing and Hannah had suggested Liam look over it on his own and then let her know if it was worth her checking it out too. She didn’t feel like dragging Ethan out two days in a row unless it was really necessary.
So Hannah was left at home on her own with Ethan.
They were sitting on the floor of the living room together. The windows were open wide and a pleasant breeze was drifting in through the curtains. Hannah could smell jasmine on the wind. Jasmine made her sneeze. But it also smelt pretty, so she didn’t mind. It was early June, but there was a distinct feeling of an Indian summer in the air, and it was filling Hannah with hope.
Maybe I will be able to connect with Ethan, maybe we’ll fall deliciously in love with one another, the way all of those celebrity mums always describe the moment when they first meet their newborn babies.
Maybe this place that Liam is looking at right now will be perfect for us, and we’ll move there and be deliriously happy and we’ll fall deliciously in love (all over again) too.
Maybe I could just pick him up right now, ever so gently, and he won’t scream.
Hannah leaned forward and carefully lifted Ethan up off the carpet and onto her lap. She held her breath. Silence. For ten glorious seconds, Ethan sat comfortably on her lap without a sound. Then his
lip began to tremble, his mouth opened and a great wave of wails came cascading out.
Well, I guess that’s progress, isn’t it?
Hannah tried to settle her nerves as they drove along Military Road. Certain situations still made her feel anxious, and tonight was definitely top of the list of nerve-racking situations.
‘You know we don’t really need to go, we could grab a takeaway pizza and go straight back home if you like? Or catch a movie or . . . anything you want.’ Liam glanced across at her, a worried expression creasing his face.
‘Nope, I said we’d be there. And I should. It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen any of them – apart from Amy of course. Just, maybe be prepared to leave early . . . if that’s okay?’
‘Of course it’s okay. I’ll fake a call from the babysitter if you like?’
‘Thanks.’
They arrived at the restaurant and Hannah steadied her breathing before stepping out of the car. Liam came around to her side and pulled her into a quick hug. ‘They’re just family, Han. No one will be judging you; they all know what you’ve been through.’
Hannah gave him a weak smile before they headed inside. She spotted her dad first, grinning across at them over the heads of the other patrons in the restaurant, easy to pick out thanks to his penchant for brightly coloured shirts and ties. He gave them an over-exaggerated wave to get their attention.
‘Yeah, Jack, we see you,’ Liam muttered under his breath, and Hannah laughed quietly, jabbing Liam in the ribs. He pretended to double over in pain and for just a second, she felt as though they were the old Hannah-and-Liam, the couple that joked around and were affectionate in public (without being excessively mushy) and were secure in their love for one another.
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