“You don’t have to apologize for her. She’s responsible for her own actions, not you. I’m sorry that you’re in the middle of all of this, though.” I reached out across the table and placed my hand on hers, entangling our fingers. “When your grandmother goes back to Washington, we’ll make up for lost time.”
I held my breath, waiting for her to tell me she had other plans and I wasn’t in them.
Instead I received the first smile of the day. “We will.”
Maybe I’d read the situation wrong. At this moment, she didn’t look like a woman about to break my heart.
“In the meantime, I don’t want you to worry about me and your grandmother. We’ll be fine. I can deal with her while she’s here.”
“About that…”
She was shredding the corner of her paper napkin.
“Honey, you look like you have something on your mind.”
Her chest rose and then fell as she took a deep breath. “I do, actually. I think it might be a good idea if you and I took a break while Gran is here. She won’t be here much longer.”
A break. Ashlyn wanted to take a break. It wasn’t as bad as breaking it off but sure as fuck wasn’t all that great, either.
Carefully, I controlled my expression, trying to appear neutral. Ashlyn was emotional enough for both of us. Tears had sprung to her eyes and one was already rolling down her cheek. Angus churned in my stomach and acid rose in the back of my throat. Senator Roslyn Caldwell had done this. She’d placed her granddaughter firmly in the middle. Cruel. The action was cruel and unnecessary.
“Don’t put yourself through this, Ashlyn. Your grandmother and I will work this out eventually. Just let us do it. You don’t have to place yourself between us.”
She was already shaking her head in denial. “I think that I do. Gran isn’t going to change her mind, Kyle.”
“In time–”
“No,” she interrupted. “She’s not going to. Maybe eventually she’ll get used to it, but she won’t change her mind. That’s not something she does very often. She thinks we’re too different to make it…you know…for the long haul.”
“She barely knows me. I’m more than what’s been written or said about me. Half of it isn’t even true.”
That poor napkin was in pieces. It never stood a chance.
“It’s a long story but trust me when I say that Gran has made up her mind. Honestly, I just want to keep the peace for the next few days. Can we–can we just take a little break?”
I couldn’t say what I really wanted to. That her crazy grandmother shouldn’t be dictating our lives, but I also didn’t want to be like Roslyn and place Ashlyn in the middle.
If I pushed back on this, I’d be doing that.
It went against every instinct I had and my heart was screaming bloody murder, but I nodded in agreement.
“As long as it’s only for a few days.”
“It will be,” Ashlyn replied quickly, relief showing in every line of her body. Ten seconds ago she’d been so tense and now she was much more relaxed. At least I’d been able to do that. I loved her, dammit, of course I wanted to make her feel better. “She never stays too long, and she won’t be back for months.”
The first good news I’d had today.
I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, however. “I’m not happy about this, Ashlyn.”
Her mouth was turned down and another tear rolled down her cheek. “I know. I’m not either.”
“Then why are we doing this again? You’re a grown woman. You shouldn’t have to bend yourself into a pretzel to make Roslyn Caldwell happy. She shouldn’t have that kind of power over you. Or us.”
Now she was tense again. Fan-fucking-tastic. I was the greatest boyfriend ever.
“She took me in when my mom died. She didn’t have to, but she did. If it makes her feel better to think that I’m giving this relationship some thought–”
“Is that what she asked you to do?” I broke in, fresh anger making me hot under the collar. “She asked you to stay away from me?”
“She just asked me to think about things,” Ashlyn said in what I assumed was supposed to be a soothing tone. Fuck that.
“And what did you say?”
I sounded pissed off but that was because I was, indeed, pissed the hell off.
“I said I would.”
I was hurt. And angry. It was my only explanation for how I lashed out at that moment.
“Let me help you with that. If you’re not all in, then maybe we shouldn’t take a break. Maybe we should just end things. It would make life easier for you and your grandmother would get what she’s been hoping for. Me out of the picture.”
Her face turned pale and I could hear a quick indrawn breath. Bullseye. I’d just shoved a virtual knife in her heart. It matched the one she’d shoved in mine.
“I don’t want to end things–”
“But you don’t want Roslyn to know that we’re together. You want her to think that you’re mulling your options.”
“Yes.”
Ashlyn’s voice was small and she was having a hard time looking at me. She was miserable but now so was I. I’d started this conversation feeling sorry for her but now I was mad.
“I think you need to do what your grandmother said and think about what you really want and whether I’m it. Right now, I’m not feeling like you’re sure and if I’m going to keep putting myself out there I need to know that you’re all in.”
I’d made my girlfriend cry, tears rolling down her face. I handed her my own paper napkin and she hid behind it, not wanting the other diners to see her crying. Not a shining moment in my life, but then I’d never had my heart stomped on this badly. It made a guy do things he wouldn’t normally do. I kind of wanted to cry, too. Or maybe slam my fist into a brick wall. Then the pain in my hand might be greater than the pain in my heart.
To me it seemed straightforward and simple. If Ashlyn loved me, she wouldn’t care about her grandmother’s opinion. End of story. It made me feel taken in and incredibly stupid.
“Are you breaking up with me?” she tearfully asked, her voice thick.
A lump had lodged in my own throat at her question. Was I? I didn’t want to, but I also didn’t want to get another sledgehammer to the chest.
“No.”
“It sounds like you are.”
“I’m not.”
Because I loved her. I didn’t want it to end.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Silence followed our declarations. It seemed we had run out of things to say. The waitress – with impeccable timing – appeared and placed our meals in front of us. Now we didn’t have to talk. It wasn’t getting us anywhere and the entire conversation felt like we’d only run a few laps. No real progress.
Had we broken up? We were definitely on a break. Could I call her or text? We were in no man’s land and now I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or say. It reminded me of something my mom had once said to my older sister.
Sometimes love isn’t enough.
I hoped it wasn’t true this time.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Ashlyn
I was miserable and it was my own fault.
I couldn’t blame Kyle because he’d clearly been blindsided by my request for a break. I couldn’t blame Gran because she couldn’t technically make me do anything. This was all on me.
I’d thought I would feel better with some space from Kyle while Gran was here, but I only felt worse.
Like the gentleman that he was, Kyle offered to walk me back to the store, but I said that I had to make a stop on the way. That was total bullshit. I simply couldn’t let him walk next to me for five city blocks in silence. I’d hurt him along with myself and I felt like the worst person alive.
Apparently, I didn’t look all that well when I walked into the store. Katie’s eyes went round and she immediately bundled me into the backroom, probably so I wouldn’t scare the customers. At some poi
nt, she shoved a cup of tea in my hand and murmured words I wasn’t listening to. I sat there sipping at the tasteless beverage and crying until Shelby showed up, Emmy right on her heels.
They fussed over me, wrapping me back into my coat and into the backseat of Shelby’s vehicle with me too numb to object. I barely paid attention to where they were driving me but within minutes we were pulling into the garage of Shelby’s home. I let them lead me into the house, take my coat, and pour me a whiskey.
It burned all the way down, but the slight pain finally woke me out of my stupor. That’s when the tears started again. I was surprised I had any moisture left in my body.
“It’s all my fault,” I croaked after taking a second shot of the amber-colored liquor and feeling the fire all the way to my belly. “You shouldn’t be nice to me. I’m a terrible person. I deserve this.”
Shelby sat next to me on the couch while Emmy sat in the armchair. She’d brought out a bag of crackers and some cheese which made my stomach lurch. Whiskey didn’t pair well with cheddar and the barbecue I’d barely eaten at the restaurant was already in danger of making a reappearance.
“Why don’t you start at the beginning?” Shelby suggested, patting my hand. “We don’t even know what’s happened. We only know that Katie called us in a panic saying that you looked like a zombie and that you’d clearly been crying.”
Emmy’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Tell us who made you cry and we’ll kick ’em where it hurts. Male or female.”
“Where does it hurt on a woman?” I asked, my brows pulled down. “I know where it hurts on a guy.”
Shrugging, Emmy popped a piece of cheese into her mouth. “I would imagine it would hurt to get kicked in the tits.”
“I don’t think we need to go that far,” Shelby said in that warning tone I’d heard so much. “Let’s put kicking on the back burner. Ash, what’s going on? Is it Kyle? Or your grandmother?”
Emmy sat up straight in her chair, her eyes wide. “Oh my God, did someone die?”
I needed to nip this in the bud immediately.
“No one is dead.” I sniffled and Shelby handed me the box of tissues on the end table. “Kyle and I are…on a break.”
Wrinkling her nose, Emmy fumed. “That sniveling little coward. He couldn’t take a few more days of your grandmother? What a fucking weenie.”
“I’m the weenie,” I admitted with a groan, slapping my hands over my face in shame. “It was my idea.”
Silence. Just…silence. Finally, Shelby spoke up.
“I think you need to walk us through it, Ash. Start at the very beginning. As in when you thought this was a good idea, and before you talked to Kyle.”
Between sobs and a few more shots, I told them about my conversation with Gran and what she’d told me about my parents and then her marriage as well. I told them that I’d spent all night thinking about it and wondering whether she was right. Whether love was enough and all of that.
“Love isn’t enough,” Shelby said. “But it’s a start if two people are willing to work at the relationship.”
“So you decided to go on a break with Kyle?” Emmy prompted. “How did that come out of wondering whether love was enough?”
How could I even begin to explain what I barely understood myself?
“It was all so clear in my mind this morning,” I replied, my mind drifting back to the decision I’d made in the shower. Usually the decisions made when wet were good ones. “I felt smothered by my grandmother and I needed space. I felt too much pressure and I just wanted it to end. I thought that if Kyle was out of the picture while Gran was here that the pressure would be off and I’d feel better.”
Emmy and Shelby exchanged a quick glance and then Emmy leaned forward. “If it was your grandmother suffocating you then why didn’t you take a break from her and not Kyle?”
I buried my face in my hands again. “Don’t confuse me with logic. Honestly, I didn’t think it was an option. You can’t take a break from your family.”
“Sure you can,” Shelby said. “And sometimes you should. Like now, perhaps.”
“You’ve never liked my grandmother.”
“Now that’s not true,” Shelby said with a shake of her head. “I think your grandmother is a terrific senator. I think she has some issues in the grandma department, that’s all.”
“She raised me when she didn’t have to.”
“You keep saying that,” Emmy replied. “As if she did you a huge favor. You were a child. Let me repeat that…a child. Of course, she took you in. You were her freakin’ granddaughter and she was able-bodied. You would have done the same thing. We all would have. You’re not her burden, you’re her family.”
“Your grandmother clearly has issues and now she’s laid them all on you,” Shelby said, censure in her tone. My friend was not happy. “I get that she had a bad marriage and then her daughter had one too, but that doesn’t mean that you will. It’s not a family curse, for heaven’s sake. Seriously, she doesn’t think your family has been cursed by voodoo, right? Because that would be weird…and unlikely.”
“She talked about breaking the cycle, but I don’t think she believes we’re actually cursed. Gran is pretty cynical, so I doubt she believes in witches or magic.”
“Then perhaps she’s overreacting?” Emmy suggested. “People get divorced. People get unhappy in relationships. Sometimes people make it work.”
“She thinks we’re too different,” I said. “She said it’s a recipe for disaster. And no, Shelby, I haven’t finished the book.”
I’d already known what my friend was going to ask. I doubted Shelby had addressed a mess like this.
“I’m going to add a chapter just for this,” Shelby declared. “When your family is batshit crazy and tries to interfere in your life. She’s running a guilt trip on you, Ash.”
“She’s doing a great job of it. I promised her I’d think about my relationship with Kyle.”
Emmy slapped a cracker down on the coffee table. “Shelby may like your grandmother but I don’t think that I do. She should never have extracted that promise. It smacks of blackmail. She’s guilted you all these years about taking you in and now all she wants you to do in return is break up with your boyfriend. Sure, that’s fair.”
Emmy’s tone dripped sarcasm and Shelby shot her a warning look.
“What I think Emmy’s trying to say is that your grandmother isn’t the one that should be making these decisions in your life. You should be doing that.”
“I know. Frankly, I don’t know what comes over me when Gran is here. I’m usually a strong independent woman but the minute she comes into town I regress back to a little girl.”
Shelby poured us all another shot. I was already feeling a little woozy, but I was going to drink it.
“Wanting a parent’s approval is normal,” she observed. “Not strange in the least. Now tell us about today. What happened with Kyle?”
What had happened? It was an hour of my life that had seemed to last for days. Almost in slow motion. A really terrible, awful day at quarter-speed.
“Kyle stopped by the store out of the blue to take me to lunch. I’d been avoiding him all morning because I’d wanted to put off the conversation about taking a break as long as possible,” I explained. “But of course, I went to lunch with him. We went to the barbecue place down the street.”
“And then?” Shelby prompted.
“We both ordered the brisket.”
“You’re delaying,” Emmy said. “Spill it.”
So I did. I told them all the dirty details. The crying, the sympathy – at first, and then the anger and silence while we ate.
“He was mad at you,” Shelby said. “Were you mad at him?”
“A little,” I admitted. “I kept thinking he could have been more understanding, but then I think that he was probably surprised and upset. He looked upset, anyway.”
“How did that make you feel?”
I groaned and rolled my eyes at Shelby�
�s question. She couldn’t shake her training, not even now.
“Like a giant turd, thank you very much. I never wanted to hurt him. I just thought…”
“What…what did you think was going to happen?” Emmy asked incredulously. “You were going to chat over a dead cow and mutually decide to put your grandmother over your burgeoning relationship? And Kyle would be just okey dokey with it and you’d both leave the restaurant smiling, hand in hand? He’d go off and just wait in a holding pattern while you dealt with your family curse? Is that what you thought? Because that’s even crazier than a voodoo spell.”
When she said it like that…. It did make me sound completely delusional.
My head was really hurting now and that whiskey in my stomach was turning to pure acid.
“I did. I really thought it would be okay. I am such an idiot.”
No one argued with me. They agreed.
“What do I do now?” My gaze ricocheted between my two friends. “How do I fix this? I messed up. I had a crazy moment. I’m better now. Shit, Kyle must hate me.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t hate you,” Shelby said, eyeing the whiskey bottle. I was definitely done drinking for the day. I might already be drunk. “Just call him and tell him you had a moment of insanity and you made a mistake.”
That sounded…doable. Kyle was a forgiving man. I hoped.
“What about Gran?”
“Tell her to butt out,” Emmy said. “And to keep her neurosis to herself. We’re all full here.”
Shelby gave Emmy another look. “Some people find it easier to let their relatives talk and just nod as if you agree but then go and do whatever you want. It’s your life, after all. They can give their opinion, but you don’t have to take it. Technically you don’t have to take ours, either.”
“But you should,” Emmy said quickly. “You really should.”
I felt better. And sick to my stomach but I think it was from the booze, not the situation.
“I am going to take your advice. Right after I throw up.”
Tease Him (ManTrap Book 2) Page 17
