My thoughts veer this way and that, and all the while my wife is trying to keep herself from crying. I’m an asshole, standing here, unable to take any of what I’ve just said back. I’d be a liar if I turned around and said I hadn’t meant any of it.
“What do you want to do?” she asks, her voice breaking.
What do I want? I can’t recall anyone before ever asking me that, or at least, not in relation to important decisions in my life. I give her the same answer as I’d given to Throttle earlier. “I want to step down as VP. More than that, I want to leave the club. I want to live off compound and get a proper job.”
“Do you…” her voice catches. She tries again, “Do you want a divorce?”
“Fuck no,” I tell her, my brows rising. “I want you by my side. I want us to bring Junior up like a normal kid. Have citizen friends he can play with. I want to keep him well away from the club. Let him have a future only he dreams of. No, darlin’, a divorce is the last thing I want. I want you by my side in a bright new future.”
Giving voice to what I desire makes me feel lighter than I have in ages. Liv goes to speak, but I stop her.
“Liv, sweetheart. We’ll talk more later. I’m already late for church.” Which, I realise, I’ll now need to hurry to.
Chapter Two
Eli…
The minute I step into our hallowed meeting, I realise Throttle hasn’t wasted a moment before he’s opened his mouth. Some men, at least, are looking at me differently.
Wizard watches me approach and take my seat to his left, and the enforcer won’t meet my eyes as he sits beside me. Opposite, Hound, the sergeant-at-arms regards me with a stern, calculating expression on his face.
A quick glance down the table makes me pleased weapons are not allowed into church else someone would probably shoot me. As for my dad? Well, Drummer’s looking a mixture of disappointed and angry.
Most are looking puzzled, so Throttle’s not enlightened everyone yet, but there’s a definite atmosphere and everyone’s catching hold of it even if they don’t know the cause.
I hold my breath as Wizard picks up the gavel, bangs it, and after a quick shake of his head in my direction, officially starts the meeting. “Dollar. Over to you,” he says tiredly.
Either he’s letting me off the hook, or he’s making me sweat. If my disclosure to the enforcer is going to be addressed, I’d rather he just get on and get it over with. I don’t welcome the reprieve. I’d rather get my decision out in the open, but I won’t disrespect my prez right now. If that’s what he wants, we’ll follow the agenda as normal.
I bow my head and only half pay attention as the treasurer runs through our finances, and various members give their updates, having already lost interest in the day to day running of a club I no longer want to be part of.
Shooter raises his hand. “Think it’s common knowledge by now that Zane’s come on board at SD Construction. We’ve made him a full partner.”
“Great fuckin’ news.” Peg thumps the table and gives Dad a thumbs-up.
Dad, who barely seems to have taken his eyes off me the whole meeting, manages a chin lift back. Well, I suppose my brother hasn’t steered clear of the club completely, though he is working in a citizen role. Dad’s still managed to keep him close and under his eye.
Bullet leans forward. “Now Zane’s taken more responsibility, I’m stepping back a bit. Want to take a few more rides with my old lady before we’re too old to enjoy life.”
“Anything we should know, Brother?” Wizard asks quickly. “Everything okay with you and Carmen?”
Bullet shrugs. “I’ve given close to forty years to the club. Built the business up with Viper…” he pauses, and gives a moment for everyone to remember my grandfather, who died a few years back. I join in when fists briefly rise to cover hearts, while wondering whether he’d be turning in his grave at some of the thoughts in my head. Bullet continues, “I joined this club thinking all I was going to do was ride my bike.” Now everyone chuckles, that being what most people think we spend our time doing. “Instead, I spent those years working with my sleeves rolled up. Think it’s time to take it easier, brothers. Not giving up, just reducing my hours.”
“I can live with that.” Wizard nods. “You’ve done a lot for the club, Bullet. You deserve something back.”
“Carmen’s giving up her business as well.” Bullet grins. “She’s giving up her shop but you can tell your old ladies she’ll still be doing hair.”
“Thank fuck for that,” Peg murmurs. “Darcy wouldn’t have liked having to go somewhere else.” Other people agree with him, while I suppose Liv will have to find a new hairdresser in Tucson. I have no idea what our relationship with the club will be once I leave the compound. It’s something I haven’t thought about. But then, I haven’t given much thought to the future, only how to escape the present.
“With all the women here, she may as well be working a full-time business.” Throttle looks at the many brothers who have daughters, then pointedly at Wizard who’d gotten married on the same day I had. Yeah, the VP and prez had had a joint wedding much to everyone’s enjoyment. Another thing I’d gone along with to please my club.
Once Dollar has finished with our finances, Wizard moves on.
“Got news that Archangel’s reared his head. There’s been word of him being seen near Nogales.”
There’s silence for a moment as brothers stare at the prez.
“He crossing the border?” Hound asks. “That would be fuckin’ good news.”
“It would,” Peg agrees. “One less worry for us.”
“Tucson’s only sixty miles from there, Prez.” Throttle is frowning.
“Too close for comfort,” Wizard agrees. “Of course, Hound’s right. The US is too hot for him, so he might be crossing the border and starting a new life. Or, he could be starting a new drug trade.”
“Or, he’s got a reason to be in Arizona,” Dad states.
And that reason could be bad news for the club.
It’s indeed possible he’s dealing close by. The Herreras, the crime family that my father had had to deal with back when I was a kid, had ended up stepping on the cartel’s toes a bit too firmly a few years back. A big falling out ensued by way of a blood bath, or more accurately, a massacre. Since then, while the cartel had tried to take over the city, they’d not completely filled the void. Archangel might well have seen a business opportunity. The Satan’s Devils have never touched drugs themselves, but turn a blind eye to others dealing as long as it doesn’t affect the club.
The problem we have is that the Satan’s Devils were responsible for Archangel going to prison. Since his escape, the club has had cause for worry. If he knew about our part in sending him down, he’s the type who’d want retribution. Learning he’s back on our turf is concerning.
“Whatever he’s doing, I don’t like it.”
Wizard grimaces. “I hear you, Drum. Need everyone to keep their eyes open.”
Archangel will be their problem, not mine. I don’t intend to be a Devil very much longer.
“I’d like the VP’s thoughts on Archangel,” Joker states.
The words wash over me.
“VP,” Wizard snaps. “Joker wants your thoughts.”
He probably doesn’t, as I don’t have any. “I’ll support the prez,” I offer lamely. My comment is rewarded by looks of surprise. Normally I’d contribute a lot more, challenging the prez on his assessment if I think he’s taking a turn down the wrong road, but today I can’t find it within me to care. I’m too tied up in the thought this may be the last time I’m sitting around this table, which would mean I’d turned my world upside down. The touch of regret and sadness takes me by surprise. It’s what I want, isn’t it?
Wizard asks for any other business. Turns out there’s none. As everyone gets up to leave, Wizard shoots out his hand, his fingers curling around my arm.
“You’re not going anywhere,” he says sharply. Then before anyone leaves the room
, he barks out, “Got some business to discuss. Stay close, brothers. I may need you all back in.”
With a few curious looks, followed by chin lifts, most trundle out. But looking around, I see several others are staying seated as well. Throttle, Hound, Drummer and Wraith to be precise and Wizard himself, who waits only until Lady, the last one out, closes the door.
“What the fuck’s going on with you?” Prez snarls, and Drummer and Wraith reposition themselves closer to the top end of the table.
“I spoke to Throttle in confidence.” Well, I thought I had. I suppose I hadn’t expressly told him to keep my thoughts quiet. In any event, I glare at the man.
“Throttle did exactly what he should. His role is to watch out for the safety of the club and enforce the rules as you very well know. And any member who is thinking about betraying us very definitely comes under his remit.”
I feel like a kid with my dad and my wife’s father in this meeting, both looking at me with the same disapproving looks they would use when I fucked up as a child. The familiarity of it makes me snarl, “Thinking of leaving isn’t a fuckin’ betrayal. And why the fuck are Drummer and Wraith here? I’m the VP. It should be officers of the club who reprimand me. Not fuckin’ family.”
“Every man seated around this table is your fuckin’ brother, as well you know, Hawk.” Wizard wipes a hand over his face, making me notice he looks tired and drawn. “I was of the mind to bring this up to the whole club in church, but I have a lot of respect for you and thought you’d appreciate talking shit through with a smaller group.” He leans forward. “And yes, I wanted Drummer and Wraith here. Until a few months back they were sitting in the seats you and I now occupy, and have experience we haven’t got. I’d like to get their input on something I’ve not seen handled before.”
Hound clears his throat. “I, for one, have no fuckin’ idea what’s going on. Throttle informed us just before church that you were thinking of leaving the club.” His worried eyes meet mine. “Has he got that wrong, Brother? Because I fuckin’ hope he has. You want to step back as VP? Now that’s something I’d vote to accommodate. But you walking away?” He shakes his head in answer to his own question.
My shoulders rise and fall. “It’s the club I want to move away from.” I speak slowly, carefully, not wanting to be misunderstood. “I don’t want to be VP. Hell, I don’t want to be a member anymore. I don’t want to live on the compound—”
“You gonna leave Olivia?” Wraith snarls, and it’s only Hound’s quick thinking that pulls him back before he can reach over the table to grab me.
“No,” I say fast. “Fuck no, Wraith. I’m not leaving my wife. She’ll be coming with me.”
“What’s she got to say about this?” Dad asks, almost lazily. “She happy with it?”
Again, I shrug. “I only told her today.”
“Told her?” Wizard’s eyebrows rise. “Doesn’t she get a say?”
I stare at him, explaining as though I’m talking to a child. “If I’m not in the club, we can’t stay here long term. That’s obvious. But there’s no rush for us to move. I’ll need to find somewhere to live, get a job. We can wait until the baby’s born—”
“Ain’t having anyone on the compound who’s not club or family,” Drummer snarls, then looks Wizard’s way. He gives a little apologetic shake. “Sorry, Prez.”
Wizard waves off his apology. “It’s why you’re here, Drum. I don’t know what the fuck goes in a situation like this. Never had a man walk away from the club before, in any of our chapters. Not without good fuckin’ reason, or unless they went out bad.”
What are they talking about? Surely they’re not going to kick us out? “Zane’s not club, and he lives here.” I can’t stop myself from pointing out. “And Jacob’s always welcome.”
Drummer’s fingers tap on the table. “Want my views, Prez?”
Wizard waves his hand. “Happy for you to tell your boy how it is, Drummer.”
“Zane is club, he’s family,” Dad starts. “It wasn’t news to any of us that he’s a full partner in SD Construction now. He earned that on his own merits, and he’s bringing money in. Money that goes into the members' pockets. You on the other hand are turning your back on the club.” He pauses and tugs at his beard, and after drawing in air, lets it out on a sigh. “You swore, Hawk. You swore when you were patched in, you were in this for life. You swore you’d have the backs of your brothers, that you’d give your life for any one of theirs. You walking away means giving all that up. It would be bad enough were you a normal member, but you’re the fuckin’ VP.” His hand slams down on the table. “You’re leaving us in the lurch at the very time the club needs valuable men.” His voice has been rising, and now it’s almost a shout.
“If my heart’s not in it, I can’t be the man you want me to be,” I cry out. “I shouldn’t have made VP. I’m too young, too inexperienced—”
“Fuck, boy!” Wraith snarls. “I was little older than you when I gained the VP patch. Drummer about the same age when his old man died, and he stepped up to the top seat. How the fuck can you say you’re not old enough?”
“We love you, Brother, always have.” Wizard’s voice has gentled. “You’ve earned that love by being family. You’ve earned respect from every man who sits around this table by proving your worth. You didn’t get your position by nepotism. You earned your place by my side by being the man people look up to and trust. How the fuck can you doubt that you’re anything but the man that I need?”
“Why don’t you take a break, Brother?” Hound suggests reasonably. “Take Olivia, go on vacation. You might just need some time to get your head on straight.”
“Good idea,” Throttle agrees, giving what sounds like a sigh of relief. “Give yourself a chance to think about what you want, Hawk.”
They’re being reasonable, well, the enforcer, prez and sergeant-at-arms that is. Drummer’s eyes are shining with disappointment, and Wraith’s with anger and rage. Me? I just want to close this chapter in my life, fuck, open a brand new book and move on.
Not wanting to appear like a petulant child, I turn to Wizard and force myself to say calmly, “My mind is made up. I can’t stay a club member. If I have to leave the compound, then so be it. But take this as my official resignation as your VP, and as a member of the Satan’s Devils.”
There’s silence. A pin dropping would have sounded loud. It seems to stretch out until Wizard eventually breaks it.
“One chance, Hawk. One chance to take that back. Take a time out like Hound suggested. Talk to Olivia, sort yourself out.”
“No,” I tell them firmly. Their arguments have only served to convince me I’m right. “My mind is made up, and I won’t be changing it.”
With his eyes on me, Prez addresses to his predecessor, “What are the rules about this, Drummer?”
My dad’s face has one of the coldest expressions I’ve ever seen him wearing, and grey steely eyes land on me. He might be my parent, but right now he’s Drummer, ex-president of the mother chapter of the Satan’s Devils as he replies icily, “All the members vote. The choices are that he leaves with a beatdown, or he loses his life.”
A beatdown I’d accepted could have been on the cards, though I’d hoped I’d get a pass seeing as how I’ve been brought up as part of the club. Surely they’d have seen how railroaded into this I’d been, and that I’d never had the chance to be me? But that I could lose my life, leave my wife a widow and my kid without a dad, had never occurred to me.
“Get the members back in,” Wizard rasps out, not giving me the opportunity to change my mind now I know what the consequences are.
I wouldn’t, even if he had. The club, the compound, isn’t where I want to be. If I end up meeting Satan in person, well, so be it.
Minutes later the room has refilled, men grumbling they’ve got drinks ordered and ready to be drunk or had old ladies or sweet butts they’ve had to leave warmed up and waiting.
Unsympathetic, Wizard bangs the gavel lo
udly to get their attention. When eyes go to him, he shakes his head. “Brothers…” he pauses, then pushes emotion back down. “The VP has just let me know that he wants to step down.”
A stunned silence, then Shooter asks, “What the fuck?” His words then echoed around.
Wizard bangs the gavel again. “You need to hear the rest. Hawk wants out of the club completely.”
Drifter looks completely stunned, Truck too. Peg’s face has gone blank. Lady looks disappointed, Joker disbelieving. Heart and Mouse, two others I’ve known all my life, seem upset.
Blade snarls and stabs his knife down hard into the table where it lodges and quivers.
“I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you the severity of this situation. We’ve got…” Wizard clears his throat. “We’ve got the VP who wants to walk away from the club. We’ve got to decide whether we’ll allow him to. A nay means we don’t.”
“Can’t force him to stay,” Rock says.
Wizard looks around. “A nay means Hawk meets Satan.” Without giving them a chance to respond other than for gasps, he continues, “A yay has to be for a beatdown.”
Blade struggles to use his waning strength to pull the dagger back out of the wood, but when he does, he points it straight at me. “You prospected for the right to wear that patch. You prospected to prove your loyalty. We’ve shown that right back. You’re disrespecting everything we stand for to want out of this life. Even thinking of that means you shouldn’t be wearing that patch, Eli.”
“Good point.” Wizard nods at my cut. “Take it off.” He has a silent conversation with Throttle over my head.
I knew this was coming. Standing, I slip out of my cut, and hand it to Throttle before it’s forced off of me.
“You want me to leave?” I offer, trying to sound nonchalant, as though I don’t give a damn, surprised how much I already miss the weight of the leather on my shoulders.
Hawk's Cry : Satan's Devils MC Second Generation #2 Page 2
