“He copied me to please me.”
“He’s not thinking straight right now. He’s ill, Drum. Sure, he copied you, but that was because he’d inherited so much of your personality.”
I don’t know whether that’s true. I walk to the window, looking out on the front yard which could do with some maintenance now the prospects don’t come around anymore. It’s clear Eli hasn’t made it a priority. As for Olivia, she can barely see her feet now, let alone mow grass. Idly I think I need to send someone around.
Sam’s voice continues in my ears. “Sophie’s here. She’s been speaking to Wraith. Mouse is booking us on the first flight home.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I’m out of my depth, Sam. Eli needs you, I need you.” Truth be told, I worry any time she’s away from me, but our old ladies had been planning this time away for so long, I wish I didn’t have to ask her to come home. But I’ll be fucked if I know how to make this right. My son needs his other parent as well.
“Of course he does. But Drum? Please stop beating yourself up. It sounds to me that Eli’s been overthinking things. Sure, he’s telling a version of accounts which fit, but they’re not what we remember, and somewhere in between probably lies the truth.”
There’s the woman I know and love, often speaking sense which grounds me. “I miss you, Sam. I need you. I love you.” There was a time when I never thought I’d find a woman I wanted forever until I found Sam.
“I love you too, Drummer. I’ll be back soon. We’ll make things right for Eli.” The confidence that things can turn back around bolsters me.
Having her and Sophie home will be for the best. Wraith and I are men of action, dealing with fear that exists in a man’s head is way beyond our comprehension.
Olivia and I had been at our wit’s end when Eli had again refused to go to see Dr de Souza. Sure, I’d threatened to physically drag him there, but my son is just like me. Being forced to do something would mean he would dig his heels further in and, like a horse being taken to water, he would have refused to cooperate.
I’d been wracking my brains, trying to think how I could get him to understand talking would help. Apart from just making him stubborn, taking a man dressed only in boxer briefs to the hospital was probably a sure way to get him committed.
For some reason, Joker had come into my mind, and I remembered how much psychotherapy had helped him back when he and Lady came out to the club. Of course, by the time they’d told us, most of us had already guessed. But Joker had lived with the fear he would have to give up either the club or the man he loved. The help he got showed him he could have both.
Joker might have been able to persuade Eli to seek help, that was all I’d wanted from him, but he’d done more. He’d shared some of his own pain which had driven Eli to open up.
Fuck, but that had been hard to hear. Listening to Eli speak as he spewed it all out, it sounded like everything I’d ever done for my son had been a mistake.
I’d selected Wraith as my VP when he’d been just a couple of years older than Eli was now. Age doesn’t mean much, it’s a man’s character that means more. I’d been proud as fuck when Wizard, with no input from me, selected Eli as his right-hand man. Back as just a member at the time, I had every confidence in my son. Hell, if I thought he wasn’t capable of doing the job, I’d have spoken up. As VP he’d be leading me and the brothers into and out of danger. If there was any doubt of his ability, even if I had applied any influence, he wouldn’t have gotten the votes.
But now he’s lost confidence in himself. Had we read him wrong? Was what we’d thought we’d seen in him not really there? I can’t understand. It doesn’t make sense. But to see my strong son brought down to his knees is devastating.
“He’s sleeping.”
I turn to watch Olivia approach, noticing how her eyes glisten. “Sam and your mom are on their way back.”
She nods to show she’s already heard, from Wraith I expect. “How did I not see things were so badly wrong, Drummer? Why didn’t I get him help before?”
“Don’t beat yourself up. Eli had left the club. Things were bound to be different in the citizen world. You both had to adjust.”
“He’s been saying some nasty stuff to me,” she admits. “Suggesting I’m not enough for him. That perhaps he wants something else.”
“That’s his illness talking,” I tell her, sharply. “And, he is ill. He’s going to get better with our help.”
“I’m expecting a baby in a month. What am I going to do?”
Yeah, I’d sound distraught, too, if I were in her place. She’s got her own health and that of the child she’s incubating to consider. She should be everyone’s focus, but now she’s got the extra worry of caring for Eli as well. She’s not going to abandon him. I know her too well to think otherwise.
I purse my lips and look at her carefully. “I think you both should come back to the club.”
“That means everyone will need to know that Eli’s not right. Otherwise…”
Otherwise he’ll never be allowed to come back. She’s right. He’d risk a beatdown on sight. “I can go back later and pave the way.”
She thinks for a moment.
I give her the time, but hell, there’s no shame in admitting someone’s got a problem inside their head. Something they couldn’t help in the same way as it wouldn’t be their fault catching the flu. If I know my brothers, they’ll all have Eli’s back. I suspect in some ways they’ll be relieved that it wasn’t the Hawk we knew and loved who walked out, that he hadn’t been himself when he’d made the decisions he had. But like me, hell, some will wonder why we hadn’t realised and carry the burden of guilt themselves.
When she speaks, it’s not to agree. Instead she shrugs, as though putting any decision off. “I’ll go get some dinner started. Dad said he’d be here soon.”
I raise my chin at her as she goes into the kitchen, distracted by my thoughts. I’d spoken with Eli, tried to reassure him that he’d never be a disappointment to me, that I’d be behind him in whatever he wanted from life. I couldn’t make promises I couldn’t keep, but I’d do everything I fucking could to make sure he could come back to the club if that’s what he wanted, though right now, that’s the last thing he wants.
I was the prez of the Satan’s Devils, I’m used to leading men, making decisions which involved life or death. I’ve never before felt at such a loss as to what’s the right thing to do, as this involves my flesh and blood. My son.
Whether it’s the tablets that Eli’s swallowed down, or whether talking has taken it out of him today, he’s still asleep when Wraith arrives. Knowing Olivia won’t be alone, and knowing, despite his antics with a shotgun the day he discovered Eli had gotten his daughter pregnant, I know Wraith loves Eli like he would his own kid. I’m comfortable heading off for a time.
I don’t need to explain Wizard will be expecting an update, so I get on my bike and ride back to the compound having to admit I’m glad to be going home. I’m pleased as fuck that later tonight, I’ll have my wife back in my arms. I need her to help me make sense of all that’s being going on.
Parking outside the clubhouse, I step inside and head straight for the bar. Butcher’s got my favourite whisky in his hand as I approach. Guess I look like I’m in need of a shot.
“Prez around?”
The prospect jerks his head toward the pool table. “Over there, having a word with Hound.”
Wizard happens to look across. When he sees me watching him, he raises his hand and holds up his forefinger. I turn back to the bar, leaving him to finish up his business with the sergeant-at-arms, and take a moment to myself.
Suddenly I lurch forward, almost splashing my precious whisky over the bar. Almost. Peg’s lucky. If I had, he’d have had my fist in his face.
“How’s it going, old-timer?” As I turn around, he catches sight of my face. “Fuck. I haven’t seen an expression like that since we went up against the Herreras.”
“How’s E
li?” Joker’s come up on my other side.
“Eli? What the fuck’s up with him? Thought he was the one whose name should never be mentioned.” As Rock makes the sign of the cross, Joker gives him a smack around the head.
“There are things you don’t know,” Joker snarls.
Peg’s standing with his eyebrow raised. I’m trying to formulate some reply when Wizard comes across.
“Ready to tell everyone yet?”
Prez seems to think we’ll bring this straight out into the open. As I wonder, am I ready to what accounts to baring my soul? My brow creases as I realise I trust all these men with my life, with that of my old lady, with those of my sons. If I’d fucked up, they might as well know about it. The best place for Eli is back with people around him, undoubtably the best solution for Olivia as well.
One of them turned his back on the club. That he wasn’t in his right mind when he did so, that he had reasons for acting the way he had done, makes me certain they won’t let him down when he needs them now. I’m more concerned of the hurt I’ll be bringing to them. If I know anything of the men I ride alongside, it’s that they’ll all be questioning themselves like I am.
I give Wizard the chin lift he’s been waiting for. He wastes no time.
“Butcher. Call everyone in. Church in an hour.”
“You going to fill us F.O.Gs in?” Peg asks.
“I don’t want to go through this more than once, Peg. Sam and Sophie are coming back early from New York. I’ve got to make arrangements to get them picked up.” With that, I finish my whisky, decline another glass, then go to find a prospect to issue my instructions to.
I go up to my house and crash for what time I have. Sitting with Eli last night meant I hadn’t gotten much sleep and I’m in much need of catching forty winks.
As soon as my phone chimes with the alarm I’d set, I’m wide awake. Years of being prez had honed my skills so I could go from being dead to the world to being ready for anything in seconds. After splashing cold water on my face and changing into a fresh t-shirt, I’m ready to go. Or, as ready as I’ll ever be. How do you explain your son has reached the end of his tether? That he’s been brought so low, there’s no further he can go.
Straightening my shoulders, I make Eli a promise. We’ll carry his load while he’s unable to. We’ll make sure Olivia has everything she needs as well.
Men are already milling into the meeting Wizard called. I follow behind, almost diverting to my place I’d adopted at the bottom end of the table when I’d handed the mantle of prez over, but remember in time and still feeling out of place, I take my seat to the left of Wizard. It reminds me of the time decades back when I’d been my father’s VP. Of course, the club was in a different location then, and the table with the Satan’s Devil’s insignia proudly carved into it had been destroyed when the cops had invaded. When I took over the club and we’d moved here, everything was new including the chairs we’re sitting on and the table we’re sat around. It was a badly needed fresh start. Ancient history now of course.
The sound of the gavel banging brings me back to the present.
Prez nods toward the two empty chairs. “We’ve two members absent with permission. Wraith, for reasons which will become clear, and Lady who’s making a delivery in Phoenix.”
Joker raises his hand. “Lady has made me his proxy in case any vote comes up.”
“What about Wraith?” Peg asks. “You holding your hand up for him, VP?”
“Let’s leave that for now.” Prez’s stare, rivalling mine back in the day, silences further discussion.
Of course, everyone will be chomping at the bit to find out what they’ve been called in to discuss at this impromptu meeting today. It normally spells trouble, and most men are tense, anxious to hear what Wizard has to say.
Prez doesn’t keep them waiting. “I’m going to hand over to the VP to explain why I’ve called you all here. If a vote needs to be taken, then Drummer, for reasons which will become clear, will not be party to that. He’ll update you, answer questions, then make himself scarce. He will not be party to the discussion we might need to have.”
I raise my chin toward Prez. It’s as it should be. Brothers should be free to discuss matters freely without worrying about hurting my feelings, and my vote is a given.
Clearing my throat, my prepared speech goes out the window. “Eli’s suffering. He needs to come back to the compound and have family around him.”
There’s a stunned silence. If they had any expectation of what they were about to hear, it certainly wasn’t that.
“What the fuck?” Marvel starts. “He’s fuckin’ suffering? Our VP walked out on the club and now you want him to come back? What, your boy doesn’t like it on the outside?” he sneers. “Finding citizen life a bit hard?”
Wizard bangs the gavel loudly. “Will you fuckin’ do as I asked? Hear Drummer out and ask questions for clarification only while he’s here.”
I give Wizard a chin lift to show my appreciation, then take a deep breath. “A year back, I stepped down as president, and Wizard stepped up. We voted in new officers. Though he didn’t show it, it blindsided Eli to be given the VP patch, but he accepted it and the responsibility that went along with it. Seven months ago, Eli found out his wife-to-be was pregnant. Think the kid must have forgotten to glove up, as it wasn’t planned or expected, though Olivia was already his old lady. Five months ago, Eli and the prez had their wedding. It was touch-and-go whether it would go ahead at the time, or whether instead there would be a firefight with Archangel.” I pause and look around. Some look interested to see where I’m going with this, some, like Marvel, already look closed off.
I tap my head. “Who knows how the fuckin’ brain works? What’s certain is that Eli’s has turned against him. Where did it start? Who the fuck knows? When he was first voted in as a VP? Or before that, when we gave him his patch? Maybe it was when we tested him more than any other prospect during that year when he had to prove himself.” I slam my fist down on the table. “I fuckin’ know I was right. He was my son, but more than that, he was the man I wanted riding at my back.”
A chorus of ‘that was then, this is now’ and ‘Eli’s not that fuckin’ man anymore’ come from all around. Derisive comments that show how badly my son’s bridges were burned. As I let the wave of comments brush over me I realise, it doesn’t matter how much I want it, Eli may never be able to come home.
Chapter Seventeen
Drummer…
Wizard bangs the gavel loudly, and then again until everyone shuts up. “Brothers, I know there’s a fuckton of bad feelings, but I need you to think back further than a couple of months, before Eli walked away from the club. Without letting what’s happened since taint your views, can any man here raise their hand and say they disagree with Drummer? Did you feel under pressure to raise your hand and say aye when I proposed Eli as my VP? From where I’m sitting, every vote that was taken was a free one and each had to be unanimous. But if anyone had doubts and just followed the pack, I’d be interested to hear you say it.”
“Can’t say that,” Rock inputs. “That’s why his departure hit us so hard. How could we have read the man wrongly?” He gestures toward me. “If you’ve got an explanation, Drummer, I, for one, want to hear it.”
There are nods and growls of agreement.
I catch sight of Joker staring at me. He gives a slight inclination of his head, a silent offer of support should I need it.
I grimace slightly. “I want you to think about Eli, because fuck knows that’s what I’ve been doing. Think of the carefree little boy most of you remember him to be…”
“What?” Peg scoffs, grinning widely. “That kid was never carefree. He was always a mini-you, Drummer. From the day he entered the world he had your scowl dead to rights.”
I glare at the ex-sergeant-at-arms. “Eli officially prospected when he was eighteen. Can’t say that was when he started living and breathing the club, as far as I saw, he always had. But
that was when he came on the books. Then he was patched in. As I said, getting on for a year back, he became VP.”
“No need to go over it again, Drummer.” Cast sounds bored.
I shrug. “Somewhere, somehow, he started to change, changes I didn’t see happening.”
“None of us did,” Wizard puts in. “Not all on you, Brother.”
I notice Joker lifting his chin as I continue, “Eli didn’t leave the club because he wanted to or because he preferred life on the citizen side.”
“Then why did he fuckin’ leave?” Hound asks impatiently.
I inhale deeply. “Because he didn’t want to let any man around this table down. He didn’t want to expose our old ladies, or children to danger. He didn’t want to do anything that might cost lives.”
A silence settles as everyone stares at me.
Mouse’s eyes, especially, seem to bore into mine. “He was going to betray us? Was he under pressure?”
Pressure is right, but not from an external source. I address Mouse’s first point. “He wouldn’t betray us, knowingly,” I tell them fast. “But inadvertently, he thought he might. He was so cut up with making the right decisions, he thought he could lead us wrong. He lost confidence in his judgement, Brother. Hell,” I know my eyes feel wet, so totally unlike me, “he’s reached the place where he doesn’t know what time of day is right to brush his fuckin’ teeth.”
“He’s bad, brothers.” Seeing my plight, Joker takes over from me. “I’ve seen him, spoken to him, so if you can’t take it from Drummer, take it from me. He needs help. He wasn’t talking to Drummer, to Olivia or anyone. Everything came to a head when Eli collapsed in the street. It was only then Olivia contacted Drummer, who in turn called me in as I had had therapy and knew what Eli didn’t believe, that it could help. Well, I went to speak to him, and he recognised something in me, and opened up. He’s as lost as any man could be.” He glances at me, notices my distress and continues, “He’s hit rock bottom, brothers. He’s out on his own with no support.”
Hawk's Cry : Satan's Devils MC Second Generation #2 Page 14
