Never Enough

by Sarah Clay

  “Right, no you’re right” I say, nodding at her. I turn and grab the handle ready to get out of close proximity and get another drink. “But friends…” she starts in a quiet voice and I pause. Resting my hand on the handle “I mean, we could be friends. I’m friends with Jason. Plus, Bree and him seem to be having fun so I mean, we could be friends, make it a little less awkward if we bump in to each other” by the end of her sentence she sounds a little more confident. “Not interested” is all I throw back. There’s no way I can hang around her and not try getting in her pants and since that’s not an option and she is in fact friends with my brother than it’s safer to cut it off now.

  “Wait, so because I won’t sleep with you, that’s it?” she sounds a little deflated by the notion and if I was a better person I would probably make up some shit to cover my arse and make her feel better. I’m still standing with my back to her when I speak again “Pretty much yeah, why you changed your mind?” I hear her intake of breath and its quite for a second before she sighs “Let me guess, you don’t have any single female friends?” She says it like she’s got me all figured out and it bothers me that she’s just jumping to conclusions; even if the conclusion she’s landed on is true. Playing it off, I turn around and raise a brow while smirking down at her. She’s moved a little closer to me now and all I can smell is the berries I tasted earlier, its intoxicating. I breathe it in once more.

  Shaking her head at me she reaches up and tucks a loose bit of hair behind her ear. I’ve seen her do this a few times now and I’m starting to think it’s her tell, she does it when she’s nervous. I’m an arsehole but I’m glad I make her nervous. She’s not as unaffected by me as she tries to play off. I notice her stand a little straighter when she sees I’ve tuned in to her hair tucking. “Drop the smirk Lawson, it’s not getting you a ‘full entry’ admission pass” calling me out I can’t help but laugh a little, she’s making this a regular occurrence and usually I would have moved on to the next willing participant by now but I can’t help myself. “It’s not huh, what about just a ‘general admission’ ticket then?” I wiggle my brows at her and she tries to hold in her laugh but she can’t help herself. I join in laughing with her, watching that deep dimple come in to full view.

  After she collects herself she nudges me a little and I step out of the way of the door for her. Stepping forward, she opens it wide, the music from the party cutting in to our bubble of quite. Before she walks off she looks over her shoulder “See you around friend.” she smiles before disappearing. Well fuck me, I readjust my pants a little and head back out to the party, hoping like hell Max and Brad are too distracted to notice my return.

  Chapter Seven

  EDEN

  When I’d entered senior year in high school I knew I needed to come up with a way to make some more money if I was ever going to move in to the city with Bree. Thank god my media teacher Mr. Harris, who was one of my favourites; had a friend who worked for Sydney’s Morning Herald. He put in a good word for me. Media and Photography were my favourite subjects in school, I knew I couldn’t have a stable career off of them. It was too competitive and there was always someone better ready to take your place. Thus the reason I’d decided to go to University and get a degree in Business instead. When Mr. Harris told me he’d showed his friend some of my portfolio; I’d felt sick. I was really private with my work and knew it wasn’t up to par, but I didn’t exactly need to hear others voicing that either. Hell if I needed that I would have just laid it bare to my mum and let her go to town.

  Mr Harris had assured me my work was fantastic and better then that his friend, Anthony Hue had offered me a chance to pick up some work. I’d be taking photos to headline alongside specific articles that would pop up throughout the year. It wasn’t a coveted position by any means, and their photographers had a 12-month contract of sorts. On Wednesdays I’d get an email; along with a bunch of other selected photographers. It would relay a bunch of articles they would be publishing and have a rough idea of the photos they were looking to be included with it. I’d snap up a bunch of photos, send them over and if they used my photos I’d get paid for them. Not a steady pay cheque, but luckily enough they seemed to be liking my work. I’d been able to put a small amount away in savings and they’d renewed my contract for another 12-months. Meaning I could continue to do the work while I studied for my business degree.

  That was why I was out this late on a Friday night, I’d just walked in the door to our apartment after being out for most of the afternoon taking photos for a local organisation; their raising money trying to provide the local homeless with some much needed necessities so they don’t have to go without the basics. I had gotten the photos required for the article, but I still wanted to sit down and edit them so I could send them off as quick as possible. I shuffled my feet out of my TOMS and dropped my bag. Still carrying my camera bag, depositing it on the coffee table instead. “Bree you home?” I call out as I start stripping out of my clothes, all while walking towards the bathroom. Ducking my head in to her room, but her lights are off and she’s not in there.

  I walk back out to my bag and grab my phone. Unlocking it, I click on Bree’s name as I cut back towards the bathroom. Shovelling my clothes in the hamper as I listen to it ring a few times. She answers breathlessly. “Dee. Hey I’m sorry, I meant to leave a note” I can hear music in the background and she calls out to someone she’s going to go somewhere a bit quieter so she can hear. I turn on the shower and give it time to heat up while I wait for her to come back on the line.

  A few seconds later I hear a heavy door open and close and she comes back on the line “I’m at Max and Brads house, Jason invited me…” there’s a question in her voice but she hasn’t asked me anything. “Bree?” I push for her to spit it out. “Is that okay? That I’m hanging out with him again. I know he’s your friend.” That was Bree for you, she was always worried about others, me in particular. But I knew this was coming, it was inevitable based on the way they were both asking me about the other constantly, ever since last Saturday night. “Bree of course, I’m not interested in Jason… not like that any way.” I laugh but stop almost instantly when I have a thought, “But I’m not sure if his really the commitment type, I mean is that what you’re looking for?” It’s true, his definitely a gentler version of his brother but I don’t want things to get awkward if something goes wrong there.

  She’s my best friend so of course I’d have to stop talking to Jason and well, I’ve grown pretty fond of him too. It’s on the tip of my tongue to voice that to her when she speaks “What, no, you know how busy I am with practice and we’re just having fun... for however long, you know?” I didn’t know. I couldn’t even imagine, but Bree wouldn’t lie to me and if her and Jason were both on the same page then I was happy for them. I hear the sound of a door opening and closing again the music coming and going temporarily with it, there’s a slight muffle of the phone and I cut in. “Then go for it Bree. Plus, finally something nice for me to look at when you have him over here.” She laughs and I hear a deeper laugh splutter out. Oh shit.

  “Sorry Dee, you we’re on speaker. Jason wanted to talk to you and I wanted to hear what it was about.” She sounds guilty, I know they can’t see me but I can feel the heat in my cheeks. “Damn Edes I’m feeling like a piece of meat right now, I thought you kept me around for my stellar personality.” I roll my eyes, thankfully his trying to play it off for me. He figured out pretty quickly that I get embarrassed easier than most and hate the attention being on me. He says his brother is right about me, I’m like a little bird. Never knowing if I’m going to fight or fly away. I didn’t think in to it too much. If I’m honest, the only thing I really focused on when he said it in class, was the fact that Ryan was talking about me.

  “Edes?” Oh shit I still hadn’t said anything. “Sorry Jason, just a piece of meat to me now.” This gets a laugh from them both. “Where are you, are you coming over?” I look around the room and notice all the stea
m the showers causing and shake my head “Nah, I’ve just gotten home and I’m tired I’ve still got some photos to edit and send off before I can go to sleep.” He tries in vain for a few more minutes to convince me. But eventually he admits defeat when he hears how tired I am and says he’ll see me on Monday. But before we disconnect I quickly remember what I wanted to ask, “hey Bree can I use your laptop?” I hear her scoff and I know that’s all the answer I’m going to get from her. I know I don’t need to ask. Her answer is always yes, but I can’t help it. “See you tomorrow, love you” I repeat the sentiment and smile as we disconnect.

  I’m running to get to my bedroom before she can catch me but it’s harder than it sounds, I’m five years old again and my legs aren’t very long. I’m dodging piles of washing and trying not to trip over the empty glass bottles littered along the hallway, a few more steps and I’ll be in my room. I’ll lock the door and hide in there until she passes out or leaves again, whichever comes first. I snag my foot on the ripped carpet at my door seal. I jerk my hands out trying to break my fall but there’s not enough time and I fall face first to the ground. It hurts but I’ve got to get up.

  I push up from the floor, but before I can get my feet underneath me; she’s on my back. Mums sitting on me with all her weight. She’s pulling my head up by my hair and screaming at me. I can feel her spit landing on me but I can’t speak, it feels like she’s about to pull my hair out of my head. “What have I told you about touching shit that don’t belong to you” she’s furious. It was an accident. I was trying to tidy the kitchen for her, I wanted to make her happy. I was throwing all the empty bottles and cans in to a garbage bag, I was trying to do it quickly, I wanted to get it done before she got home. She’d been at the pub all day, I wanted to have the kitchen tidy for when she got home so that she could make us something to eat. All I’d had all day was a bruised apple and stale piece of bread.

  I was just about finished clearing out the bottles, but when I had tried to swing the bag around the weight of it toppled me over, causing me to fall in to the kitchen table. Before I could even react, her new bottle of Jacks had toppled to the floor and shattered everywhere. Of course that’s when mum had decided to make an appearance and the first thing she saw was me on the floor with a dark, stinky liquid all over the dirty linoleum floor. I saw the rage in her face straight away and took off running.

  “It was an accident mummy” I cry out. She’s pulling me up by my hair and dragging me down the hall “So were you” she screams “you were a fucking accident, you ruined everything, you’re still ruining everything, it’s all your fault” she pulls me in to the kitchen and throws me down on to the floor. This time I expected it, I have enough time to put my hands out to stop the fall; I wish I hadn’t. I feel instant pain as my hands land on the glass shards that had shattered just moments earlier, I’m covered in the brown liquid and the smell of it makes me want to be sick. My bottom lip trembles and I start to cry, the pain from my head, the glass still embedded in my hands and my mother screaming at me to clean it up. “you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about Eden” I see her hand coming towards my face and scream through my tears.

  I jerk awake with the scream caught in my throat. I’m on the couch with Bree’s laptop next to me; I must have fallen asleep around 2, after sending off my work. I fold the laptop up and reach over placing it on the coffee table. Standing up I still feel sick, like I can smell the Jack Daniels embedded in my nostrils. I’ve been having more of these types of dreams lately. Ever since moving out of my mums house I feel like I’m running on a couple of broken hours sleep a night and it’s exhausting. It’s like because I’m not physically having to deal with it now my mind is sending me a big fuck you and I’m forced to relive it in other ways.

  I grab my phone from the floor and check the time 6.30am. awesome. I make my way towards my bedroom and rip my pyjama shorts off. Still feeling the need to fold them up neatly before sitting them on the end of my bed. I keep the singlet and sports bra on and walk over to my cupboard. Grabbing out a pair of running shorts and my grey hoody, I throw them on quickly. I make quick work of putting my socks on and reach for my old runners, lacing them up tightly. I walk back through the apartment remembering to grab my house keys and pocketing them as I pull the door closed behind me, twisting the handle to make sure it’s locked. I just need to run, clear my mind for a while.

  Chapter Eight

  EDEN

  As I open the door to our apartment I notice that it’s not locked. I can hear two voices coming from the kitchen, I’m dripping with sweat and my body is hurting out of pure punishment for not taking the time to stretch this morning. I’ve got nasty blisters forming on my heels from running in a pair of shoes that are too tight. Sighing as I lean against the wall and take them off; propping them up in line on the shoe rack. When I look up all I see is Bree, she most of been on the phone when I first came in; I think to myself. “Another bad one?” She doesn’t even need to ask. She knows I only run if I’ve had a bad dream. I just nod. “How long have you been out?” I look up at her serious face expression, anyone else would think she’s pissed off but I know her better than that, she’s worried.

  “That depends, what’s the time?” she doesn’t drop it. “It’s 11am” I just nod again, slowly peeling off my socks while trying not to grimace as the cotton pulls at my tender skin. Bunching them up in one hand I go to walk past her expecting her to move but she stands in her place and waits for my answer. “Four hours, give or take.” I hear her intake of air as she finally steps out of my way. I take a few more steps on the way to the bathroom and freeze. Standing in my kitchen is Jason, his not even pretending he wasn’t listening. “Hey Edes, we stopped by to see if you wanted to come and get something to eat with us?” his not wearing his normal grin when he says it.

  I look back over to Bree and she’s throwing me a guilty look, she knows I wouldn’t have wanted him to overhear our conversation. Looking back up to Jason, I decide to play it off. “Oh that’s nice, but I’ll have to take a raincheck… I’ve still got some work to do” I smile over at him and he slowly returns the gesture. “Yeah, Aubree was telling me what you do for work. Sounds fun, you’ll have to show me some of your photos sometime” I doubt that will ever happen, well at least not my own portfolio. “Maybe” I shrug “Not as cool as Bree’s job, maybe she could show you some of her work” I wink, trying to distract him.

  Bree works for a company called ‘Step Along’ as a dancer, she’s crazy talented and throughout the year she will be traveling around to teach dance and movement to children in local communities, who don’t normally get the types of classes or resources that Step Along can offer. His smile widens, until he looks me over from head to toe and notices my feet “Edes your bleeding” at that Bree rushes in to the room and they both step closer to me. I look down and see how red and raw my feet look, blood oozing from my left one. “Oh it’s nothing” I shrug it off and take a step back “I’m going to go have a shower and get back to work, but enjoy your lunch.” I smile but don’t look up to meet their eyes. I step around them heading straight for the bathroom.

  When I get out of the shower and make it back to my room, I jump in surprise. Bree; spread out across my bed staring at her laptop screen. “What are you doing, where’s Jason?” looking over at me for a second and back to her screen. “I decided I didn’t want to go, I would much rather stay home, cuddled up in bed with you and binge on some Netflix and take away” I can’t help the laugh that bubbles up my throat. “His going to think I’m cock blocking him.” She scowls over at me. “There is no where I would rather be and plus he was really concerned about you, I had to talk him down from storming in to the bathroom while you were showering and asking you more questions.” I sigh knowing even if she did do that, I got the feeling Jason wasn’t going to just drop it that easily.

  We spent the weekend doing exactly what she had suggested and although I barely got any sleep, I was glad to have her next
to me when I woke up in a panic. She’d distract me by talking about her work or Jason or what crazy adventures her brother; Zeke was getting up to while he travelled. Zeke had taken a year off to travel around Australia with his friends, he was three years older than us and I missed him terribly. We’d grown close over the years, and he was someone I could rely on; I spent more time at their house then my own and he always hung out with us. Zeke was the one who brought me my first and only Camera. Of course I’d had to store it at their house or my mum would have destroyed it. It was the best gift ever and I treasured it dearly still. The Canon E0S 5D MARK IV. I call him Mark for short. The best full frame camera hands down.

  It’s Monday morning and the coffee I grabbed on my way to class has done nothing to perk me up. I’m one of the first ones here because I’d been up so early and was restless. I had decided to head over early. I watch the clock as people start trickling in and finding their seats. Spotting Jason as soon as he enters the room and watching still as he ascends the stairs two at a time to get to his seat beside me. “Hey Edes, how was the rest of your weekend?” he throws himself in to his chair and pulls his laptop out of his bag. I roll my eyes and wiggle my coffee in front of him “If I had another three of these I might have enough energy to talk about how I spent the whole weekend spooning your girlfriend” I mumble, hearing him laugh. “If only we could all be so lucky” he winks and I feel the smile spreading over my face. He didn’t pull me up on calling Bree his girlfriend and even though I know they’re not serious I think its sweet that it doesn’t faze him.

  Class starts but it’s barely holding my attention, my notes consist of me drawing little cubes on my page and joining them up to make 3D towers. But then, I hear our teacher mention something about a brief assignment that’s due tomorrow and I sit up straight, flicking through my book, I see the note I’d obviously skipped over with a description on what was needed and when it was due. Sure enough, Mr. Hooper wasn’t lying. I sigh, I don’t know how I’m going to get this all done by tomorrow, I hadn’t even started on it yet. I’d obviously planned on getting it done over the weekend and completely spaced. I feel a nudge from my left and look up, “Want to come over after class, I’ll help you get it done” my cheeks flame and I know how pathetic I look being so unorganised. But it would be stupid of me to turn down his help “Are you sure? I mean you probably have a thousand other things to be doing” he doesn’t miss a beat “I’m sure, I’ll even supply the coffee” he smiles over at me and I just nod eagerly, garnering a short laugh from him.