Never Enough

by Sarah Clay

  We’re only 20 minutes in to the movie, when I hear a knock at the door. Pulling myself up to go and retrieve our food. I notice Eden reach for the remote and pause the movie for me. When I come back in to the lounge with it, I start laying it out with utensils and napkins on the coffee table. Eden doesn’t move from her spot when I sit cross legged on the ground. “I don’t bite” Raising a brow at her while patting the spot next to me. Finally, she relents and we sit down side by side and start eating in companionable silence while watching the movie again.

  Taking my last bite before finishing off my beer, I stand to go get another “Another beer?” I ask, but she just shakes her half full beer at me and goes back to watching the movie. “So Photography huh?” She stills beside me for a second and then eases in to a nod “I’m not very good at it or anything, but I like it” she says timidly and I smile over at her as I knock shoulders with her “That’s not what Aubree tells us, she says your amazing.” It’s true, although we hadn’t seen any of her photos, Aubree thinks she’s really talented. “How’d you get in to it?” I question while shifting back to lean against the couch. She doesn’t answer straight away, instead busying herself with putting the lids back on the containers and shuffling the rubbish back in to the plastic bag.

  Trying to appear casual as I watch her stand and look down at me shrugging “I don’t know really, I used to love using Aubree’s dad’s camera when I’d be over there” she admits as she walks the rubbish over to the bin and deposits it, turning back to me. “And then for my 16th birthday Zeke brought me my camera and I just loved it, freezing a moment in time you know” she walks back towards me and sits back on the floor next to me, mimicking my position. “I just loved being able to capture happy moments and hold on to them even after they passed.” She looks up at me waiting for a response “Who’s Zeke?” she just laughs “That’s all you got out of that huh?” I smile and ask another question “Just happy moments, you only capture happy moments?” she sighs “Well of course not. I capture all moments, the sad, the angry, the devastating.” She breathes out “But I like the happy moments the best.”

  Pulling out my phone, I click on the camera app, switching it to selfie mode. I lean in closer to her and hold it up in front of us. She laughs and nudges me but humours me anyway. Looking in to the lens and smiling, her head is slightly tilted towards me and she looks beautiful. I snap it immediately. Pocketing my phone before she analyses it tries deleting it. “Who’s Zeke?” I ask again and she tries nudging me again but I reach out and grab her around the shoulders holding her close to me until she answers “Bree’s older brother.” I nod slowly, putting two and two together, some of the stories Aubree had told us about growing up with Eden had included her brother. She had referred to him as Zee, but it makes sense. “That was nice of him.”

  She nods but doesn’t say anything else. She’s still leaning in to me, my arm still draped around her. Squeezing her arm, just a little to get her attention, she tilts her head back to look up at me as I move closer to her. She’s just staring at my face and I slowly lower my lips to hers, giving her enough time to tell me to stop, again. Softly grazing them across hers. Moving my hand from her shoulder up to her cheek and cupping her face in my palm, I lean in to deepen the kiss. She responds slowly, moving her lips against mine. I slowly draw my tongue along her bottom lip and she opens up for me, inviting my tongue in.

  Pulling her closer, she’s practically sitting on me now with my hand cupping her face still and the other wrapping around her hip. She leans in to the kiss again and it only urges me on. I shift her a little so her legs are on either side of me. Grinding down a little as deepens the kiss, I feel a growl leave my mouth and enter hers. She breaks the kiss for a second, looking down at me while bringing her hands up to my face. Slowly drifting her finger tips along my jaw and the stubble on my face. Up over my cheeks and along my brows. Trying to straighten out the frown that’s growing.

  I don’t do this; it feels to intimate. Too much, but I can’t stop. Pulling her back towards me, she doesn’t fight it, instead she leans back in and kisses me, shifting her weight so that she’s riding my dick through the strained denim of my jeans. My hands move to her hips holding her down as she rocks back and forth, I push up in to her core and hear her moan. Breaking the kiss, I let my lips travel along her jaw and neck; kissing and sucking my way down. Grazing my fingertips against the soft skin that’s exposed on her belly I feel her tense a little but she doesn’t stop me.

  I slowly start edging her shirt up while kissing her neck. Breaking away long enough to pull it up and over her head and throw it over to the coffee table, I hear the crash and thump of a beer bottle but I don’t stop to look. I freeze for a second and take in the view, if we’re capturing happy moments I should really be taking a photo. Because this view, her sitting on me with her tits pushed up in a black bra, her hair falling over her shoulder and her lips swollen because of me; that’s enough to make a sad man smile. She must take my hesitation for something else because she starts reaching for her shirt to cover up. “Hey, no, wait.” I practically beg. She peeks back towards me and I shake my head.

  Reaching up to her face again, I pull her in closer to me so I can kiss her again. She loosens up after a couple of minutes and starts moving again. I lean forward a little and it forces her to lean back. It gives me enough room to get my shirt off before I pull her back down to me. I’m grazing my hands all over her skin. Not able to get enough of her soft skin meeting the roughness of my fingertips. I reach around behind her and unhook her bra. Eden slowly lets it slip down her arms but I get impatient, pulling it the rest of the way off of her and throwing it in the direction of our shirts. I take a second to look again, before I duck my head and take one of her puckered dusty pink nipples in to my mouth. Slowly flicking my tongue over it and biting down gently. I hear her moan as grinds against me harder; holding my head in place with her hands.

  I keep nipping and licking before moving over to the next. She lets her hands drop away, assured that I know what she wants. I’ll gladly give her my mouth for her own personal gratification wherever she requires. Biting down again causing her to let out a breathy moan. I’m pulling back a little blowing cool air across both nipples causing them to pebble. She threads her fingers in to my hair, guiding my head back up to her mouth, crushing hers to mine. I can’t take it anymore, my dicks about to break through my fucking zipper. I reach my hands under her arse and hold her in place as I stand up with her. She lets out a little squeal before quickly wrapping her legs around me, I keep kissing her as I’m walking us towards my bedroom.

  Pushing open the door, I walk over to my bed slowly easing her down. She pulls me along with her, forcing me to fall on top of her, but I’m holding most of my weight up on my forearms. Easing on to one side of her. I slowly graze my hand up her naked abdomen and reach her perfect fucking tits. Pinching one nipple between my finger and thumb, causing her to arch her back, pressing deeper in to me. I can’t stop, I want more. I let my hand drift back down towards the top of her jeans, flicking the button out in one swift motion; Slowly easing the zip down. I halt her hands that have been roaming over my shoulders when I grab her hand and move it down to my crotch, over top of the denim. She lightly squeezes, as I moan in to her mouth. She hesitantly starts rubbing my cock over my jeans, but I can’t handle the friction. Sitting up I put my hands on either side of her hips, flicking my thumb inside her panties. I slowly edge both panties and jeans down her legs and off; over her feet. Throwing them down on the floor.

  Sitting back on my thighs I look down at her, there’s enough light coming from the lounge room to see how perfect she looks naked, in my bed. I let my hands graze back up her legs and she opens them a little further. My fingers dip between her legs, I can feel how fucking wet she is. Sliding one finger up and down. Coating it while grazing her sensitive nub. She sits up a little reaching for my jeans. She stumbles a little trying to unhook them, so I stand up off of the bed, quickly
getting rid of them and jumping back on the bed beside her. She laughs out “Commando?” I shrug but don’t answer, I just lean down and go back to kissing her neck, slowly licking and kissing a path from her ear and down to her collar bone. Causing her to arch in to me again. It’s all I need. I roll on top of her holding up just slightly. “Do you have... do you have protection?” she stutters out, barely above a whisper.

  I freeze, not because of the question, of course I do. But because something just crossed my mind for the first time. She’d seemed confident out in the lounge room, using what she wanted from me. But now I wasn’t so sure. Taking her face in my hand I gently tilt her head up so she’s looking at me. I can’t help myself, pecking her swollen lips again as she smiles. “Babe” I start, but I don’t really know the right way to ask. Fuck, I’ve never asked before, I’ve never cared to ask. She’s looking at me with big eyes, and heavy lashes and I know I just have to spit it out “Babe, are you a virgin?” The question bounces off the walls and back to us. She stills underneath me and I know that’s my answer but I need to hear her say it. She looks from my eyes to my mouth and back to my eyes, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth and then finally, she nods. “Yes.”

  I breathe out a heavy sigh and roll off of her, I’m an arsehole yeah; but not that big of an arsehole. The chicks I get involved with know the score. It’s just sex, one night and we part ways. I don’t know that Eden would be able to distinguish between losing her virginity and what I’m offering. “Is something wrong, did I do something wrong?” She asks, turning towards me. I roll to my side so I’m facing her too. “Fuck no babe, it’s not you” she nods slowly not saying anything. Staring at her face, taking it all in and then I finally admit. “I don’t do feelings, I don’t do relationships, I don’t offer more than one night” Watching her face as I’m speaking, I expect to see judgement all over it, but again she just nods. “I’m a bit of a mess in here little bird” I say taping my fingers against the side of my head.

  She smiles and reaches out, gently trailing her fingers along my jaw line and up over my cheeks. “It’s okay.” She whispers. I blow out a steady breath and shake my head. “Nothing about this is okay, this is fucked.” I groan rubbing my hands over my face. “I’m going to get dressed” she offers. As she goes to pull away from me, I grab her hand pulling her back a little. “I think your shirt is now completely covered in beer.” I see the panic on her face instantly. “It’s okay, I’ll wash it but you can wear something of mine for now.” Tucking her hair behind her ear as she offers me a quiet thank you. I sit up, throwing my legs over the edge of the bed.

  Standing up, moving over to my wardrobe, I grab her a plain black tee and a grey hoody. “These will swallow you whole, but they’ll do for now.” When I turn around she’s already got her undies on and her jeans are halfway up her legs. Of course I don’t offer her any privacy I just wait for her to finish doing them up, then pass her my clothes. I follow suit chucking my jeans back on. “I’m just going to throw your shirt in the wash” I say without turning around. Cursing myself out for choosing this moment to be a good fucking guy. Of all moments, it had to be now.

  Chapter Twelve

  EDEN

  I’m mortified, I’m sitting on the edge of Ryan’s bed. I’m trying to talk myself in to going out to the lounge room where I know he is, but the guy’s just seen me naked, found out I’m a virgin and turned me down. It was not my intention to get to that place tonight, or any night in fact. It just kind of happened. I’m not angry at him for stopping, no not at all. Based on what Jase and Bree have filled me in on, his very much a one-night stand kind of guy.

  I guess I should feel touched that he decided not to take my virginity. But in the back of my mind all I can think is that my mum was right, she’d told me over and over again no one would want me, that I wasn’t good enough; and I guess she was right. I’d hoped she was just speaking out of anger, along with being heavily intoxicated. But I mean the one guy that is willing to sleep with anyone that has a vagina and a pulse just rejected me while I laid naked underneath him. Not the greatest affirmation.

  I take a deep breath and stand up, time to get this over with. Slowly walking out to the living area I see Ryan sitting in one of the recliners, arms folded over his knees and head resting in his hands. He must hear me move in to the room because he looks up as I sit down on the sofa beside him and just stares at me, I can’t tell what his thinking. His looking at what I’m wearing, It’s way too big but it’s what he offered. I’d tied my hair up in a messy bun on top of my head and I’m sure my face was stained pink out of pure embarrassment.

  “My mum” he offers and I don’t say anything in return. If I ask for more, he will expect me to talk and I’m not ready for that. I don’t know if I ever will be. He puts his head back in to his hands and looks at the floor, “You don’t need to explain” I offer; but he keeps talking. “She left when we were 3, just up and left” he says it with so much anger, I already knew this, Jase had filled me in on a lot of his and Ryan’s lives, but I don’t tell him this. “Who does that, who just up and leaves their kids.” It’s not anger I hear this time. Its sadness and a vulnerability his never shown before. I shuffle down on to the floor next to his legs and reach my hand up to tug on his, he releases his head and sits up; letting me hold on to his hand.

  I wait until his looking at me “Ryan, it’s okay really; you don’t need to explain” he nods slightly but talks again “Dad didn’t know what the fuck he was doing, so he dropped us off at Gran and Gramps and just threw himself in to work” he swallows “We lost a mum when she walked out, but we kind of lost a dad too and…” I squeeze his hand telling him he can continue if he wants too. “And I just don’t want to feel that way ever again, I won’t” he says it so adamantly that there’s no confusion in it, nothing to mistake from it. “So that’s why you only have one night stands?” I ask cautiously. Nodding down at me “Yeah, no feelings just a good time and a goodbye that doesn’t hurt.”

  I realise in that moment that we’re a lot more similar then we thought, where he avoids relationships because he doesn’t want them to leave, I avoid relationships because I’m scared that one day they will figure out I’m not worth it, but I don’t tell him that. I just stay sitting there holding his hand in mine. I start to wonder if I should go, I let go of his hand, making a move to stand, but before I even get that far he flips my hand back over and laces his fingers through mine. A silent plea not to go just yet, So I don’t. Instead I ask him about his life, about his grandparents, school, sports, pets, anything and everything. And he shares it all willingly. I listen like each word he spoke out loud was feeding some internal source that desperately needed it. I couldn’t help but wonder how different my life might have been if my mum had of just up and left.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” I hear my mum scream at me. I hadn’t even heard her come in, I was standing up on a stool shuffling through the drawers in the kitchen trying to find a pen that actually worked. I had been given a consent notice at school today. It needed to be signed by a parent or guardian if I wanted to be able to go on the field trip to the local swimming pool. I’d figured all I’d have to do is have it ready so when she come home from the pub I could quickly get her to sign it while she wasn’t paying attention. Like here have a drink and oh can you just sign this.

  I hadn’t expected her home so early. “I’m just looking for a pen” I whisper out. “What the fuck for?” she yells, I didn’t want her to catch me lying, before when she’d catch me out in a lie or I wasn’t quick enough to answer she’d throw me around and land a few slaps or kicks. “I need you to sign something” She walked in to the room then, “What you’re in trouble at school already?” she spits. It was only the second week of school and I was surprised she’d even managed to fill out the forms for me to attend, I’d overheard her one night telling some of her friends it meant she’d get more money if I was at school.

  “No, no mummy, I’m not in trouble
it’s for a field trip to the pool, I swear” I quickly rush out to say so that she doesn’t get angry. I should have known better, “What and you think I’m going to sign it for you” she scoffs. I can feel the unshed tears building up, burning. But I don’t want to let her see, it will only make her angrier. “I don’t see me getting to go on any excursions, no fun days out for me… so why should you get to?” she asks the question but I know it will be worse if I answer, I look anywhere but at her face. She stalks across the room and rips the paper out of my hand, scrunching it up and throwing it to the floor; not even bothering to read it.

  I cry out at her and realise too quickly my mistake because she grabs my arm and twists it so tightly it burns. The stool underneath me wobbles. “Do you think anyone actually wants you there?” she mocks at me. I can’t take my eyes off of her hold on my arm. I’d really wanted to go, I’d made a few friends at school and they had been talking about how fun it would be to go together. Mum tightens her grip and I flinch in pain, but it just makes her smile. “You’re hurting me mummy” she doesn’t release me she just screams at me “You don’t know what pain is Eden” and before I can take my next breath she twists my arm backwards and slams it down, taking my whole body with it as the stool falls out from under me; all I hear is a loud snapping sound before I scream out.

  I sit straight up in bed, trying to catch my breath. Looking down at my left forearm as I rub my hand over it. Mum had broken my arm that night and successfully made sure I missed the field trip, can’t go swimming if your arms in plaster. The only positive to come out of the whole thing was when I’d had to stay back at school while the other kids we’re being loaded up in to the buses. One blonde haired girl had stayed behind, opting to stay with me so I wasn’t lonely. She was the nicest person I’d ever met and she had such a comforting smile.