Never Enough

by Sarah Clay

  Finally, he nods in the direction of his room that I’m already stalking off towards. Quietly opening the door and walking straight in to sit beside her. The blankets have fallen off of the top of her body and with the lamp casting a glow over her I can see nasty bruises marring her arms, she’s got a split lip and dark bruises forming around her eye and cheek. Lifting my hand up to her and drifting my fingertips over her face. “Someone most of heard” I speak quietly to Jase who I know is standing behind me. “I got the feeling it was the type of place that someone wouldn’t have called the police because it might interfere with their own going ons.” I understand what his telling me, but I don’t understand this, her fragile body. “I don’t understand; I need to understand.”

  Pulling the blanket off of her completely and scooping her up in to my arms, she slowly starts to come too and groans against me. “Shh baby, you’re going to be okay” I try to say softly and calmly to her even though I’m feeling like destroying something. Carrying her through the hall and in to my room where I deposit her in to my bed. Jase follows after me, flicking the lamp on. Allowing it to cast a soft light around the room and over her beautiful, bruised body. Walking over to my dresser, I grab a hoody and a pair of trackies and walk back over to her. Waiting for my brother to leave the room before I get her changed. “You need to wake her every couple of hours, ask her a couple of basic questions.” I nod but he doesn’t leave straight away just stands in place and stares down at her, she’s instinctively curled back in to a ball and I hate it. I’ve seen her sleep like this before but now that some light’s been shed on why, I never want to see her sleep like that again. “The running” I speak, never taking my eyes from Eden, “The bad dreams.” Jase pats my shoulder before he walks out and a few seconds later I hear his bedroom door slam shut and some loud thuds following after.

  I’d gotten her changed and laid down beside her, getting as close as I could without hurting her. Just lying there while the hours passed, watching her sleep, making sure she was breathing steadily. I was running over everything in my mind that I knew about Eden, from things she’d said to quirks she had. I was starting to put the puzzle in to place. She’d never spoken of her mum and the tiny bits that she did let slip out we’re never comforting mum stories. I’d thought she’d opted not to talk to me and Jase about her mum as to not rub it in. Like ha ha I have a mum and you don’t. But in reality what could she say, ‘Hi my name’s Eden and my mother is an alcoholic nice to meet you?’

  This can’t be the first time her mother has laid a hand on her either. I remember back to her reactions when someone around her has yelled or been angry, she shrinks away from it. She’s never drunk, opting for one drink or none at all. I thought she’d been embarrassed of her photos because she doubted her abilities, but in reality she was embarrassed for a whole other reason. But it wasn’t for her to feel embarrassed, this wasn’t something that reflected poorly on her. I’m so frustrated with myself for not seeing the signs earlier, for not asking the questions I should have asked.

  “Baby, you need to wake up?” I coax Eden. “Baby, come on let me see those beautiful eyes.” She tries to turn her body towards my voice but moans in pain. Slowly she tilts her head a little and her eyes flicker open, “Ry?” I reach out and touch her gently. “Yeah, I need you to answer a couple of basic questions for me and then you can go back to sleep” She doesn’t answer me just keeps trying to focus her eyes on mine. “What day is it today?” I wait. “The day the Lawson boys found out who I really am.” It breaks something in me hearing her say that. “Eden…” she sighs a little “Next question” There’s a pleading in her voice. “What’s your favourite food?” I ask, aiming for a casual question. “Cake.” We’re both quiet for a few moments and then she speaks again. “For my sixteenth birthday, my mum made me a cake. She was a few days late of my actual birthday. But she’d made me it. It looked like a mess and it didn’t taste much better. But she’d done it all for me.” She lets her eyes drift shut on the memory. I can’t stand not touching her anymore. Draping my arm over her as carefully as I can, trying to let her know I’m here for her.

  I let her go back to sleep after that but I couldn’t close my eyes, I had to watch her. Feel her breathing under my arm. I lay like that for another couple of hours just staring at her. But I know I need to wake her up again. I gently lean in and kiss the side of her cheek as I whisper, “Eden I need you to wake up for me.” She opens her eyes a little easier this time but doesn’t speak. I can’t think of any basic questions for her, I’m stuck staring in to her sad eyes. She looks so tiny lying next to me, so fragile. She surprises me when she opens her mouth next “I never wanted you to know, I never wanted any one to know.” I nod waiting for her to speak again. “My mum, she. Well, she’s an alcoholic and on top of that, she’s not a very nice person.” I hold my breath and listen.

  I listen to her talk for as long as she wants, telling me everything. From her earliest memories, her first broken bones, the ugly words spoken and the horrible things her mum had screamed at her in fits of rage. The times she would go without food because her mum had spent their money on alcohol. The pure power her mum held over her, refusing to sign for things or allow her to participate in things. She’d said the bruises and breaks faded, but the things her mother said to her constantly over the years were harder to let go of. She told me all about her mums’ thoughts on her ruining her life, ruining everything. I felt sick listening to it all, I felt pure rage towards her mother. It was hard to put these stories against this beautiful girl curled in to me. And then she told me about her dreams and her running. I didn’t need to question why she ran any more. It’s the only time she felt some sort of control, pushing her body harder and faster and longer; just because she could. No one could take that from her.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  RYAN

  I remember falling asleep cradling Eden against me, but when I reach out for her now I can’t feel her. Jerking up to look around, trying to find her. But she’s not here, she’s not in my bed or in my room. Fuck. I climb out of bed and look for my phone, fuck where would she have gone. She should be laying down. Finding my phone on the floor, I pick it up. Finding her number straight away, I bring the phone to my ear; it rings out and eventually her voicemail recording starts. I hang up and storm out of my room. Surely my brother wouldn’t be stupid enough to let her go. As I turn the corner I’m already glaring over at him. But then I see Max and Brad are here too. Their all sitting watching TV while Eden’s curled up beside Jase on the Sofa. She’d fallen asleep again, tucked in to herself and facing in to the couch.

  Jase’s arm is draped over her shoulder rubbing circles on it. I walk straight over to them, looking down at her; the bruises are a lot darker in the sunlight. I glance towards Max and Brad and their offering me sympathetic looks, I don’t know how much they know but they can obviously see the shape she’s in. “I found her out here this morning just sitting by herself staring at that.” He looks towards the coffee table, on it lays the newspaper we had revealed at dinner last night. I step closer and look at the photos again, seeing them in a completely different light now. Eden hadn’t stepped in to some strangers’ house to get these, she’d grown up in them. It’s then, what she’d said last night comes back to me, “I just tried to take the pictures as quickly as possible and get out of the way. I wanted to capture the moment, I mean they’re not ALL sad photos.” Of course she didn’t think they were all sad photos, she’d included a photo of the cake she’d told me about last night. For anyone else it would be a disappointment, but that was a treasured memory for her.

  I leave her to sleep so I can grab a shower before waking her and getting her to eat something. But when I finish getting dressed and come back out to the lounge the boys had gone and Eden wasn’t in the spot I’d left her. Jason throws his head towards the patio door and I spot her sitting out on one of the chairs, chin resting on her bent knees. “I heard some of what she told you last night” he admi
ts. “I was coming to check on her, wanted to make sure you hadn’t fallen asleep yourself and forgotten to wake her” he reasons with me and I don’t growl at him for listening in, I can tell his just as worried as I am for her.

  “I’m so fucking pissed with Aubree” he admits. I understand what his saying, she’d known all these years what Eden was going through and she’d never told anyone. The patio door closes and we both look up, Eden slowly moves in to the room but doesn’t come any closer to us, she just looks at her feet. “Jase please don’t be angry with her” he lets out a big sigh but doesn’t speak “Bree promised me she wouldn’t and she kept that promise. You have no idea what her friendship means to me. It was the first time I could rely on someone; she was the first person I ever felt love from. She cares about me and it hurt her all these years keeping my secret” Jase stands to start pacing and I cut in “You mean your mums secret” She reluctantly raises her eyes to meet mine and I can see the confusion written all over her face “Your mums secret Eden, not yours.”

  “Jase give us a minute” he nods and leaves the room. When it’s just the two of us I sit down on the sofa and wait for her to join me, but she hesitates. “Please Eden, just sit down” she makes her way to the couch but sits as far on the other side as possible. I’m surprised by it but I don’t let her see it. “I’m so fucking sorry I told you to go last night, I didn’t know where you were going. I was drunk and I thought you we’re going to some arseholes house and I just got angry” she doesn’t speak just looks over at me. “you will never know how sorry I am for last night baby” I rush out, closing the space between us and wrapping my arms around her, careful not to hurt her. “This isn’t your fault Ryan” she whispers and I duck my head in closer to hers, just wanting to feel her. I lean in further, licking my lips. She catches the motion but before she can do anything I gently graze my lip against hers, softly kissing the side of her mouth; where it’s not split. But she pulls back and turns her head to the side. It was a dick move to kiss her, but I’m not thinking. I just want to be close to her. Touching her.

  Reaching up, I try to turn her back to me. “Stop Ry, please.” Letting my hands drop away, I know I’m frowning but I can feel her pulling away from me and I don’t know how to stop her. “Talk to me, you’re angry?” I ask her, not knowing why she won’t meet my eyes. “I can’t do this” I jerk back like she’s physically hit me. “You can’t do what?” she stands running her palms over her thighs. She’s still wearing my clothes, It’s not the first time I’ve had the thought that I like the look of her in my stuff. But now is definitely not the time. “I told you about my life last night, I told you about the alcohol and never being wanted or good enough” I nod as I stand up in front of her. “Ryan, right now all I can smell on you is the alcohol seeping out of your pores” I’d had a bit to drink last night but I felt pretty fucking sober when I got Jase’s call.

  “And that’s okay, it’s okay that you like to drink. But the hangovers, the amount” she shakes her head, “I’m not judging you Ryan, you’re angry, at your parents and at life and it’s what you like to do to relax and unwind” I cut her off “You’d be angry to if your mum fucked off and your dad couldn’t be bothered to raise you” I yell in to the room, trying not to notice the hurt expression that crosses her face. Throwing my hands in to my hair in frustration. Eden takes a tentative step towards me like she’s approaching a scared fucking dear. “I won’t pretend to understand what that feels like Ryan, I don’t know why your mum left you and Jason, you two are both so amazing and she has no idea how much she is missing out on by not being here” she’s closer now and I’m trying to calm my breathing.

  “But be grateful that your dad left you with two people who loved you both, who provided you with an amazing childhood” She reaches out for my hand and I let her take it in hers “For whatever reason he had, he still made sure you were safe and taken care of, it could have been worse Ry. You could have been left with someone who hated your very existence.” I grip her hand, not even able to grasp how someone could possibly hate this girl. I look down at where we’re joined and back up to her face just as a lone tear breaks away and slides down her cheek. Reaching up to wipe it away with my thumb and cupping her face with my hand. “I can’t do this Ry” She pulls away. “Eden” she must see the panic on my face, I watch as another tear trails down her face. “I’m not leaving you; I just need some space” the very same space I’d told her I needed a few months ago.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  RYAN

  I haven’t seen or heard from Eden since she left my apartment 8 days ago. I’d tried calling and she wouldn’t answer, eventually she turned her phone off. Aubree and Jase weren’t really talking so she was no help. Jase seemed to have a chip on his shoulder, choosing not to acknowledge my presence. I’d had enough, I felt like death warmed up. I wasn’t sleeping well and I wanted Jason to spit out what the problem was so we could get it sorted. We never fought, so it wasn’t a conversation I knew how to have. Knocking on his bedroom door before peeking in, he was sitting at his desk reading a huge text book, he looked up long enough to see it was me and then turned back to his book. But I sauntered in and sprawled out on his bed anyway. “Alright little brother, talk to me.”

  “What the fuck is your problem?” I growl when he doesn’t answer me. He spins his chair around and glares at me “What the fuck is my problem, what the fuck is yours” he spits. Alright this is not how I saw this going. “you’re a fucking idiot Ry” he turns back to his book and I’m dismissed, but I don’t move I just lay there watching his ceiling fan spin. “You’re so fucking scared to get near someone because you think they’ll leave like mum and then this beautiful brunette walks in to your life. I see it, I see how you look at her, I see how you act around her and how much she makes you smile” his talking in to his book but I’m listening to every word.

  “Eden has only ever wanted to feel loved, fuck, she deserves that because she is an amazing girl” I glare at his back “I know that, don’t you think I know that” shoving my hands through my hair out of pure desperation. “She gave you every opportunity to be that person, you see that right?” he doesn’t wait for me to answer “Fuck man, she put up with more shit from you then she should have to. She didn’t date anyone else because you we’re always standing there in the corner, not giving her what she needed but stopping anyone else from being able to either.” Fuck this, I stand to leave “What do you want me to say Jase, I can’t let her in.” I make it to the door before I hear his chair spin again and he speaks. “Because it will hurt too much when she leaves right?” I don’t turn around just nod. “A bit like how you’re feeling right now then?”

  I start walking out of his room not wanting to listen to him anymore, but he follows me. “Because you’re hurting right now. You’ve been a fucking arsehole to live with this past week, you’re not sleeping and you look fucking miserable.” I walk in to my room and slam my door shut behind me, but Jase just pushes it straight back open “You think because you two we’re just friends that it’s going to hurt less not having her around?” he shakes his head in disgust “You are losing one of the best things to happen to you because you’re to pigheaded to let go of this misconception that you’ll only get hurt if you’re in a relationship with her, because you can’t offer her the one thing she needs.” I spin around and stalk towards him “Oh yeah and what’s that brother?” he shakes his head; I can feel the disappointment coming off of him. “To be enough.”

  Jason had walked out after that and I’ve been laying here for the past few hours going over everything he said. He was right, it fucking hurts to know she’s not here. To know I’m not going to see her when I get home from work, to see her face when she cooks a meal and is waiting for our opinion, to watch her study, to see her smile and laugh. Fuck even the little things, not getting random texts of things she thinks will brighten my day or that I’ll find funny. Eden had somehow managed to slip her way in to my life and now I had
to figure out how to deal with her not being here. I reach for my phone on my nightstand and call the one man who’s listened to me all these years.

  “Hey Gramps”

  “Well well well, what can I do for you tonight Ryan… girl problems?”

  “How’d you know?” I laugh

  “An old man knows few things, but I spotted this one coming. Lay it on me kid”

  And so for the next hour I fill gramps in on everything that’s happened from the moment I met Eden to the moment I lost her.

  “So you’re just letting her go?”

  “Gramps, did you just hear anything I said old man?”

  “I heard alright, you’re in love with the girl”

  “What, no, no I’m not… that’s not what I said at all”

  “It’s exactly what you said, but your gonna let her go because you’re too scared to admit it, you’re scared that if you say out loud that you love her it means it will hurt more if she leaves”

  “Well wont it?”

  “Whether you say something out loud or you just feel it, it’s going to hurt just as much.”

  His right, by me being so scared to let her in I pushed her away and every time I did it, she most of thought her mum was right, that she wasn’t good enough or that I didn’t care about her.

  “You know; you’ve been angry a long time son. I think it’s time to let it go before you lose even more”

  “How can I just let it go, mum just walked out and dad just got rid of us”