She smiles a small smile and goes back to her work. That’s the extent of our conversation for the four hours that I’m working.
By the time I get off the bus and trudge home in the rain, I feel like I’ve done a full day’s work. I’m not sure I can be bothered to get ready for a… date? I wonder if this is a date? I get through the door and shake out my jacket and umbrella, kick off my shoes and go and sit in the lounge with my fluffy blanket. I pull out my Kindle so I can have thirty minutes of reading before I head to the bathroom and start to get ready. As I pull it out of the drawer, I notice my house phone has a message. I jump up ready to see if it’s Con.
It’s not.
I should have known.
It’s Soph.
“Hey girl, so I saw Dane at work today and he mentioned he was taking you out tonight. He was asking about you. Catch you later. Oh… and Pea… I’m going to be popping round this week at some point. Bye, babe.”
I groan and hold my head in my hands. Goodness only knows what she’s told him. She lacks a filter, and although I love her, she just doesn’t listen when I say I like my privacy. She’s not the best at keeping any information private, which is why I always chose Saul as my closest confidant.
God I miss him.
On that thought, I sink to the floor and rest my back against the wall.
Soph and Con never talk to me about Saul. They did at the beginning, but I used to get so upset that one day they sat me down and talked to me softly, with matching sad faces. They told me that they weren’t going to talk about Saul around me anymore. That I wasn’t to worry, they hadn’t forgotten about him or didn’t care, but they thought they were doing me more damage by bringing him into conversation. They gave each other a look. I assumed that they thought I hadn’t noticed. That maybe I was so out of it and distraught that I didn’t see the pained expression they shared at the thought of not being able to talk about Saul freely.
Our family.
I destroy everything. Even now they still make concessions for me.
That was three months ago.
Little did they know that he was behind a lot of the decisions I’d made over the last few months and he was the driving force that was keeping me moving forward.
I look up at the clock and realise I’ve been sitting, wallowing, for almost an hour. I need to get a move on if I’m to be ready for seven. I head off to the bathroom deciding to have a much-needed soak in the bath. My date with Mr. Alpha male in my Kindle will have to wait.
Two hours later and I’m primped and preened ready to go. Tonight I will be dressing up for me. I haven’t gotten dressed up in, well, in years.
I decide to go full-on drama. I pull on my red racer back dress with black peep toe stilettos and a matching black patent clutch. My hair is pulled up into a high pony with a few loose strands dangling down my face. Applying my make-up in a sultry manner with a few sparkles thrown in for good measure. I check the mirror and like what I see after adding some silver hoops in my ears and a silver choker with a small pendant.
As I check the mirror again, I realise I’m actually dressed for a date. At least that’s how it looks. Even though I know I’ve just dressed up for me, how will Dane see it? I immediately start panicking and decide to go and change. As fate would have it, I manage just two steps up the stairs and the doorbell dings.
Shit!
I open the door and Dane is standing there smiling. He’s wearing black trousers, a grey shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and he has a jacket chucked over his shoulder.
“Hey Pea. Look, I’m really sorry I look like crap, especially when you look, well… beautiful. I was stuck at work, so it was either come straight from work or be late. I didn’t want to miss out on time with you so I chose straight from work.” He winces slightly like he expects me to be annoyed.
“That’s fine, Dane, as long as you feed me we’re all good.” I wink at him and he chuckles.
“Well, the place I was going to take you is actually around the corner. Are you good to walk?”
“That suits me, I prefer to walk.” I cringe inwardly knowing that getting to know someone means opening up and telling them about myself. My history.
We walk in a comfortable silence for only a few minutes and just two streets until we arrive at the local Indian.
“I hope this is okay? It’s one of my favourites and Soph said you like Indian food.” He looks hopeful.
“Yeah, this is good. I do wonder though, what else Soph has been revealing?” I know I have a slightly miffed tone to my voice.
“Shit, Pea! I’m sorry I asked her about you. That was totally my fault, putting her in that situation and asking her things I should be asking you.” At least he has the decency to look embarrassed.
We take a seat and order drinks. When the waiter leaves I take my opportunity to part with my first bit of information.
“Look Dane, let me tell you something about me from me.” I give him a pointed stare and he sits back, eyes glued to mine.
“I keep shit close to my chest.” He laughs so I raise an eyebrow at him.
“Pea, I hate to tell you this, but that’s not news.”
“Look cocky arse, I know that’s not news, but let me elaborate and finish this time!”
He smirks and gestures for me to continue. He knows he’s winding me up and he’s loving every minute of it.
“So, as I was saying, I keep shit close to my chest. Which you already know.” I glance at him waiting for him to say something. He doesn’t so I continue, “The last time I saw you was hard for me.”
His features change from smiling to concern.
“You called me out on my feelings. You pegged me within thirty minutes of knowing me and it’s unnerving. I’ve had years of schooling my emotions. Hiding myself from others. Partly as a form of closing myself off to people, not already in my personal ‘inner circle,’ and partly as a defence mechanism because of the kind of person I am. I keep my history very private too. I don’t like people talking about me with others and Soph knows that. Although she doesn’t have a filter so that probably doesn’t help.”
He stares at me with an unreadable expression on his face and I have no idea why I’m telling him this shit.
“I’ve known Soph for a few years now. She’s someone I think of as a good friend. We talk a fair amount and she has mentioned you before. I was curious, so I asked. I think she told me things, probably assuming that I’d never meet you. I’m not sure what secrets you might have Pea, but I’m sure she hasn’t told me them as I don’t know anything big.”
“So for years you’ve been talking about me, and yet I’ve never met you until a week ago? That’s not creepy much!” I’m annoyed now.
“Pea, it’s not how it seems. There are reasons behind everything. I just don’t want to lay my life story out right now.” He’s desperate, I can hear it in his tone.
I sigh. “Look Dane, I know I tend to overreact. A lot. But this is something I find difficult to deal with. I’m not an easy person to take… to have in your life. I’m high maintenance, and not because I want to be wined and dined, but emotionally. I take my toll on people. I know this so I keep a distance. I don’t like to whine. At the same time, I’m aware I can be a moaney bitch.” I stand up to leave and he grabs my arm.
“Pea, I’m sorry, but please don’t go. There’s so much I want to talk to you about, but I want to get to know you a bit first.”
I look between his hand on my arm and his face. He lets his hand slide from my arm with a hint of resignation. I can see disappointment on his face and something runs through me. I’m sick of people feeling disappointed in me. Somehow it’s even worse when it’s someone I don’t know all that well, yet I’ve already managed to upset them.
I slide back into my seat and his eyes light up.
“Dane, I’m my own brand of crazy. What makes it worse is that I feel so comfortable with you.” Maybe that’s too much honesty, but I’m on a roll. “I don’
t even open up much to my friends. I mean I cut myself and my feelings off to everyone, as much as I can anyway, you seem to break down that barrier without even trying. It scares me. I find I’m telling you stuff, like right now, that I wouldn’t dream of telling others.” I take a deep breath and he must sense that I’m not finished because he keeps quiet whilst watching me intently. “Is this some sort of game to you? Chase around the sad case who normally sits at home alone and depressed? You know what, don’t answer that,” I whisper.
He stares into my eyes with what I would assume was love if I knew him better, but as I don’t it’s hard to place. “Pea, you can trust me. I’ll always have your best interests in my thoughts, before anything else when it comes to you” He looks down and fiddles with his jacket which he never even got a chance to put on the back of his chair. “It’s not a game,” he states firmly.
I glance around the restaurant, mainly to keep from looking at him. I notice, probably for the first time that there isn’t anyone else dining tonight, and that the wait staff haven’t been back to take our order and they all seem to be out the back.
“Where is everyone?” I question.
“I hired the restaurant out. I figured it might be a nice way to get to know each other a little better. No pressure.” He chuckles at the last part and I’m glad the evening seems to have moved on some.
I know my eyes widen at his confession.
“Blimey! The whole restaurant? That must’ve cost a bomb!” I stupidly state.
He just raises his eyebrows and smirks.
“So, do you think you could get the waiter so we can order? I’m starved.” I wink at him and continue, “First thing you need to know about me… I like my food. Don’t keep me waiting unless you want into my bad books. Oh, and I don’t share food.”
He laughs, but I’m being deadly serious, however, it’s catching and soon I start laughing too. The waiter must hear and realise it’s safe to come in because before I know it we’ve ordered and we have a delicious dinner sitting in front of us. Which makes for a much happier atmosphere.
Once we’ve eaten we start talking seriously.
“How long have you known Soph?” he asks.
“Since I was about five-years-old. We lived on the same street back then. We started at the same local primary school and became firm friends. We had the Barbie-Gate incident when we were seven. She accused me of pulling the head off her Barbie. We were enemies for three days until Saul said we were being, stupid smelly girl heads, and so we reunited to tell him he was a farty boy bum. You know, like you do…” I trail off slightly aware that I probably sound stupid. I then feel the need to add, “I didn’t do it, by the way. You know, pull her Barbie’s head off.”
The side of his mouth lifts slightly and he says with an amused tone, “I never for one minute imagined you would have,” he follows that up with something that makes my previous mirth disappear, “How did you meet Saul?”
“I, erm… Saul and Con were best friends at primary school, as were Soph and I. We constantly teased the other pair, which actually led to friendship as we got older and we grew up.” I smile at the thought of the four of us. I realise probably for the first time that I can speak about Saul with someone and it’s actually a release. Maybe because I’ve had no one to talk to about him for the last few months, and because Dane’s not part of our inner circle. Still, it doesn’t escape my mind that yet again, my mouth and thoughts flow easily when I’m in his company.
Strangely, I get the feeling that the little speech he gave me earlier about having my best interests, as his first thoughts, was from his heart. I feel like I can trust him. I just hope it doesn’t bite me in the arse.
“Let me ask you something now,” I say.
“Shoot,” he replies, but I can hear the unease in his voice, which makes me feel on edge. It’s the first time I’ve felt this way around him
“Have you got a wife and kid hidden somewhere?” I look around the restaurant and under the table, trying to ease the sudden tension. “Is that why you suddenly seem nervous?”
“No Pea. Although I do like that you’re joking about it.” His smile is back to being genuine now.
“No family then?” I ask seriously this time.
“No,” he says hesitantly. “So I guess, does that mean I can be in your club?” he jokes trying to ease the tension, but it actually cuts straight to the bone.
“It’s no fun feeling alone, is it?” It’s not a question. “I’m thankful for Soph every day.”
“Not Con?”
“I will always be thankful for Con… for so many reasons. I just haven’t got him at the moment so, well, it’s just Soph.”
“And me, I hope?”
I stare at him. He fits. Like the others I let in, he makes me feel peace.
“I have hope too, Dane,” I reply.
The night has come to an end and we start the stroll back to my house. It occurs to me that he may have thought this was a date. Hell, it may be a date and maybe it’s me who has misunderstood. I’ve been so comfortable with him, apart from our misunderstanding, well okay, my melodramatic ways at the beginning, that I haven’t even thought about the possibility that this may have actually been a date. What now? Will he try to kiss me at the door, or expect more?
Crap!
We get to my door and suddenly I feel uncomfortable. He must sense this as he backs away.
“Pea, it’s been a lovely night. I really enjoy your company. Can we go out again? Maybe make it a weekly night thing?”
I consider this for a moment. You wouldn’t arrange a weekly night out if you were dating someone, would you? No! You would take one date at a time.
Maybe this is just a friendship.
That I can do.
Hell, I need that type of friendship right now.
I look up at him. “I would love that Dane. Next week I pick?”
He salutes me and winks. “You’re on, see you next week.”
As I enter my house I can hear his footsteps slowly drifting away.
For the first time in ages, I feel calm. I don’t feel hollow. I talked about Saul. I felt like I had someone looking out for me, in the way Saul and Con used too.
As I walk up the stairs to bed I realise for the first time in ages I feel peace.
After flipping the channel on the television over for the hundredth time I throw the remote onto the sofa. I realise I get annoyed with inanimate objects a lot. I huff as though someone is there to hear me and ask me what’s wrong. I can feel the tightness across my eyebrows indicating I’m frowning. I’m frowning because I know that there is nobody here. It’s been two weeks now since Con left.
He hasn’t called!
He hasn’t texted!
He hasn’t emailed!
Con hasn’t even passed on a message to Soph for me.
Dane has called and we’ve decided to do something this week. He’s checking his schedule and getting back to me. It’s supposed to be my choice, but I seem to have lost my imagination because I can’t think of a single thing.
My doorbell signals a visitor and seeing as my already intimate circle of friends is now in a skeletal status, I know it can only be Soph. When I answer to door she looks at me and smiles a sad smile pulling me in for a hug.
“What’s that for?” I ask.
“No reason. You just look sad, Pea. I mean you’ve looked sad for years, but now you look kind of lost.”
I step back to let her in and wonder when everyone started reading me so well. We go into the lounge room and sit at opposite ends of my corner sofa and turn to face each other ready for a nag.
“Have you heard from Con?” I cut to the chase. If she knows what I’m thinking then she won’t be surprised.
“Yeah, he called last night. Late, last night. He said he was enjoying the work he’s been assigned. He said the pace of life over there is something else entirely. It sounds like he’s happy.” She eyes me, checking to see if I’m ready to break.
> I laugh. “Good! I want happiness for him, above all else. I just wish he would talk to me. Two weeks without chatting isn’t something I’m used to. The last time that happened was…” I stop realising I’m the one to blame this time.
“You know, when all that shit happened before, Saul was the one to make me come out to you.”
I look at Soph. “What? You didn’t want to come out to see me?” I realise I’m a little hurt.
Soph winces. “It’s not that I didn’t want to come. I just thought that you needed space. I thought you’d tell me when you needed me. I’ve since learned that you need a kick up the backside to do anything. Let alone sort your head out.”
“I needed you. I needed you all. More than I ever had before. I was afraid to tell you. To ask for help. I was afraid that if I asked for help it meant it was real and that I’d done something wrong.”
Soph frowns and tilts her head slightly. “We are just talking about what happened with you and Con aren’t we?”
“Well, yeah, I mean, that and other stuff.” I grab a pillow and pick imaginary lint off of it.
“Pea?” I can hear so much more than just my name in what she’s asking. I remember that sad tone in Saul’s voice, and another flicks into my mind...
“Pea?” I heard along with a soft knock on my hotel door. I took a deep breath and let it out counting down from ten.
“Pea?” a little louder accompanied by a second knock.
I shuffled to the door and opened it widely letting Saul know non-verbally to come in.
He made his way inside and sat on my bed. “So are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
“Straight to the point, Saul, you didn’t want to ease into it?” I asked with a sad smile.
“Look Pea, I love you, but you keep your shit to your chest and I know there’s something else going on. I just know. So tell me already so I can fix it. Fix you.”
A hollow laugh came from my mouth. “I think I’m past the point of fixing, Saul.”
“So what? The Con thing? You know that wasn’t how it looked. Seriously, I found out the whole story. I’ve been wanting to tell you, but at first Con wanted to be the one to explain, then you wouldn’t see him or speak to him. Now, he’s okay with me explaining, you know, on his behalf. He’s just broken Pea. He’s a broken man. I’ve never seen him like this. I need to tell you so you two can sort your shit out. You keep closing me down, but I’m not letting you anymore.”
Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) Page 5
