Suddenly I can feel my heart beating and I think I know where he’s going with this conversation. I nod saying nothing.
“If you remember when I clammed up you said something about you instead. I assumed to make me feel better. Then obviously, the whole Soph thing happened and it was forgotten. Then when I came over the other night, you and Soph were chatting. You said she could bring me up to speed with the conversation. She told me about the miscarriage six years ago. About you losing twins and about them being Con’s babies, but that you’ve never told him.” I nod warily. “I’m sorry Pea. I really am.”
I nod again, I know there’s more, I can feel it.
“Pea... when we were originally chatting, the time I clammed up, you said you’d been pregnant... twice. So I wanted to ask... when was the other time you were pregnant?”
I want to run. I feel like my scarf is choking me and I grab at it trying to loosen the knot.
“Breathe,” Dane says.
I look into his eyes and feel calmer. He grabs my hand and strokes the back with his thumb.
“Earlier this year. The night before my birthday, we went out, Con, Saul, Soph and I.” I turn to look out at water.
“We left the bar early as this guy started groping me on the dance floor.” I feel Dane’s thumb go still.
“It was okay. Con punched him, twice.” His thumb continues rubbing. “We left and I wanted to go home. Con came with me. I’m not sure where Saul and Soph got to.” His thumb stops again, and I look up to see him trying to get control of his emotions. I can’t quite work out what emotion though. He realises I’m looking at him and motions for me to continue.
“Well, that night, Con and I... well... we kinda... you know.” I can feel my cheeks heat, even in this weather. When I look up to Dane, he’s trying to suppress a grin. Bastard. “The next day we had a misunderstanding, which lead to us not actually getting back together, but instead going back to being just friends,” I snort and Dane looks at me surprised. “Sorry, it’s just I can’t believe I’ve been living a lie all these years. Con and I have never been friends. Well, not just friends. We’ve both always loved each other... I’m not sure that will be enough though.” He furrows his brow, confused.
“Anyway that was the very end of April, a month later I found out I was pregnant. I’ll be honest, I was so happy. I loved my baby already. The protectiveness I felt was immeasurable. After what had happened with the first pregnancy, especially never knowing the cause of the miscarriage, I was even more aware of everything I’d done, and everything that could cause me, or more importantly, the baby problems. The first thing I decided to do was be honest. I needed clarity and I wanted Con. The only way I could do both was to tell the truth. The issue I had with that though was I was scared that if I told Con he would flip out.” Dane raises an eyebrow at that remark but says nothing. “He would have every right too, I know that. But I was terrified that the stress of a big argument would mean I’d lose the baby.” I stop talking for a second trying to gather my thoughts. Explaining to someone who has never lost a child what goes through your mind and how you react to it, is difficult. It’s probably even harder for a man who will never know what it’s like to be pregnant, and this is also a man who hasn’t even had a child... as far as I know.
“It’s hard to put into words and I know that everyone deals with things differently in life. This is my story, for better or worse it’s how I reacted. I can’t change it and I’m not sure I would want too. For every destructive thing that has happened in my life, I have two beautiful things. I wouldn’t want to remove the beauty, and what would beauty be with nothing to balance it? Ordinary. We can all have ordinary, I want beautiful. So I’ll take the rough with the smooth.” I interlace my fingers and rest my face on my hand looking at the table.
“So maybe I became overprotective, doesn’t change anything. I spoke to Soph first, told her I was pregnant. I still never told her about the first time. She supported me as all good friends should do. She encouraged me to talk to Con and also my gran as I hadn’t told her either. Before I spoke to Con though, I needed to tell Saul. He was the only one who knew about the first time, he would understand my anxiety and he would come with me to speak with Con, I knew he would.”
I jerk as the boat moves. I look around and realise it’s suddenly become really busy on board. I start fidgeting.
“You okay, sunshine?” I can hear the genuine warmth and concern in his voice.
“Yeah, just bringing this stuff up is hard.”
“We can stop if you want?”
“No. I feel like it’s therapeutic for me. I need to air it all. It can’t haunt me if I have no hiding places. Dane smiles and rubs my back.
“Anyway, I went to see Saul and as usual he was completely supportive. Especially because I was going to tell Con. He said no matter what had happened in the past and what secrets I’d kept, Con was going to be over the moon. I remember him saying, ‘Do you realise that Con has loved you his entire life. His world begins and ends with you, Pea.’ I didn’t hear him at the time, well… I didn’t listen.”
Dane leans over and wipes a stray tear from my eye.
“By the time I’d spoken to Saul it was two weeks after I’d found out I was pregnant, so I was six weeks pregnant and it was the middle of June. Two days later my gran died.”
Dane’s hand stops rubbing and he softly says, “I’m sorry, sunshine.”
I can’t say anything as I’m swallowing trying to get my emotions under control. Once I’ve composed myself, I carry on, “She died in her sleep. Just old age. She didn’t suffer. Well, at least not that I know of. I guess we’ll never truly know. She was eighty-six, but it was still a shock. I still have days when I wake up and think she’ll be in the kitchen. That’s why Soph moving in here is as much for me as her. I mean I only lost her five months ago. I think the thing I find hardest is that I never told her I was pregnant, either time. The first time was different, I was overseas and by the time I came back I had locked the knowledge of my miscarriage up inside me so tight I didn’t know how to let it out. This time I did have the opportunity to let her in and because I stalled she missed out on knowing.”
The boat jerks to a halt and I realise our boat ride has finished. “Do you want to go again?” Dane asks. While the idea of staying on the boat in the cold air appeals, because it makes my face numb and I need something to take the edge off while I open up, I realise it will probably be better to talk somewhere quieter.
“How about we go to St James Park and take a walk?” I suggest.
Dane nods. “Sounds good.” We leave the boat and jump on a bus, travelling silently. I can’t help but think of Gran. Despite everything, I know she would be proud of me right now.
‘Your demons are only as harmful as you let them be. Empty out all the stuff you keep buried and they’ll have nothing to hold onto.’ I remember her telling me, I miss her every single day.
When we get to the park, we start walking, taking in all things around us. As it’s a cold day, there’s not a lot of people around. Dane slings his arm around my shoulders. “You okay?” he asks for what feels like the hundredth time today. I look up to him and smile.
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
“So back to my depressing story.” I grin at him and his face reflects my own.
“Well, it took a couple of weeks to get the funeral organised and over with and sort out her estate, etc. During that time, Saul had mentioned that I couldn’t put off speaking to Con any longer, although he had been mindful of my situation.
Nearly three weeks after Gran died, he came to pick me up. We were going out to lunch with Soph and Con. We tried to do that at least once a week but after Gran... well, I hadn’t had a chance to go out, so this was the first time in weeks that we’d done it. After Saul picked me up, he suggested this was my chance to speak to Con. That both he and Soph would be there to support me. I argued. I didn’t want him telling me what to do or when to do
it. Organising me. I knew what I needed to do, but my head was still fucked up from grieving.
It was all I could do some mornings to get up and function. My hormones were all over the place, and I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Anyway, we said some things. Both of us. He asked if I’d ever really loved Con, and suggested that if I did I wouldn’t keep something as important as his child from him. Twice. I started crying and told him to pull over. I said that he obviously thought more of Con than me and thought I was a bad person. He told me not to be so stupid and to stop being so melodramatic. He said I should stop the waterworks as he was sick of them, and do the right thing by Con and my child. I told him that was rich coming from him, especially considering he puts it about so much that he probably has children scattered everywhere that he didn’t even know about.”
As I recall our argument, I am crying. Again. Dane leads us to a bench and we sit down.
“It was a dirty, underhanded, ugly argument, from both sides. It was also completely out of character. I didn’t realise when I said about having kids everywhere that I had hit close to the bone. I remember him turning to me and saying, ‘Katy told me this morning she thinks she’s pregnant.’ I remember as he said it, thinking his face was ashen. He was so scared. Katy was just someone he was sleeping with, casually. I remember his eyes were glassy. I remember that moment so clearly. The next thing I remember is screeching tyres, and a crunching sound then the smell of burning and my head thumping. Then I could feel wetness on both my head and legs. I realised we’d had an accident. I was a few feet away from the car. I could see Saul, his eyes were closed and he had blood trickling down his face.” I catch my breath and Dane pulls me into him. I hold on tight and squeeze my eyes closed trying to keep the images from my mind.
“I thought he was dead,” I whisper.
“Shhh, it's okay. He’s okay. Remember he’s coming out on Sunday.” He tries to soothe me. After a few minutes I sit up straight, pull myself away from Dane and start wiping from my face with my scarf because I have no tissues, which only serves to make him laugh at me.
“You look ridiculous,” he says with a smirk.
“Cheers! Just what every girl wants to hear,” I laugh.
“Do you want to walk it off?” he asks.
I nod and we get up and amble along.
“The fire brigade got him out and we were both whisked off to the hospital. He was in a coma for three days, when he come around they had to put him into an induced coma. Something about his body having too much stress. I’m not too sure about the details because at that point we had been banned from seeing him.” Dane grinds his teeth obviously annoyed.
“Anyway I was in the hospital for a week myself. I had split my head open and had to have stitches. I was bruised and battered and I’d also lost my baby… again.”
He grabs my hand and holds it as a silent show of support as we walk.
“Because of that, I never told Con. I know that makes me the worst kind of person, but I didn’t see the point. I convinced myself he would hate me for letting his children die, letting his friend get hurt, and never telling him his own secrets. I told myself the accident was my fault.” I stop and throw my head back to look up at the sky.
“I was so scared when Saul woke up that he would tell me that he never wanted to see me again. That he hated me, and that I’d caused the accident. He never did though. Typical Saul, he didn’t even bring it up. He had some memory issues for a while, but that’s all cleared up now. He still hasn’t blamed me.”
“Why should he blame you? I mean you were arguing, true, but he’s the one in charge of the car. It was his responsibility to drive the thing. Did you grab his hands off the wheel? Did you turn his head away from the windscreen? Did you start hitting him?”
“No,” I say shaking my head.
“Exactly, and from what Soph filled me in on, it sounds like there was a drunk driver who jumped a red light and pulled straight onto a dual carriageway.”
“Yeah, but it took me ages to realise it wasn’t my fault. I thought I was bad luck. I considered moving away from them all. I’m such a fuckwit sometimes.” I shrug my shoulders at him.
“You’re looking forward to him coming out, right?” he asks.
“Of course! I’m not looking forward to his mother though. I just know she’ll turn up and try to create a scene. At least I’ll have Soph with me. Saul can handle his mum’s shit. He’s always been able too, but I know he’s not one hundred percent back to himself yet and Soph... well, she somehow makes him stronger.” A look of pain crosses his face, which he quickly masks.
“Do you feel better getting that out?” he questions.
“Surprisingly, yes I do.”
“Come on let’s go and get some food.”
I rub my belly which grumbles on cue, Dane laughs. “I know you get grumpy when you don’t eat and I need to rectify that now.”
“What about you?” I ask.
“What about me?” he replies as he grabs my hand and pulls us towards the park exit.
“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about our conversation the other night. I want to know more about you, friendship isn’t a one-way street for me. I’ve let you in, much more than is normal for me, especially since I’ve not known you long. I’ll admit, I don’t want to hurt you, but I’ve thought about this, and I think the reason you’ve managed to work your way past my walls so quickly is because I have a big gaping hole inside me from Saul and Con.” I see the hurt from my words quickly flash across his face. “Sorry, please don’t take that the wrong way. You are now firmly in my heart, just as much as the others. It’s just you got inside easier. You’ve helped me too, more than you realise. I feel calm around you, safe and I trust you.” He’s looking straight ahead, but he squeezes my hand. “I want you to be a permanent fixture in my life.” That gets me a glance and a warm smile. “But I need to know about you. I can’t have a friendship with you if you’re not willing to fight for it.”
He pulls us up to a stop and grabs my shoulders turning to face me.
“I will always fight for you and I will tell you everything, honestly, next week. I’ll come and get you one night and you can come to my place for dinner and I’ll answer all your questions. Just not today. Today you have told your secrets. Next week we’ll tackle mine. Please?”
I lift my hands and place them on his forearms and squeeze.
“Next week.”
We release each other and go and have some food.
I feel lighter. Happier. Now I just need to talk to the one person I should have long ago.
Later that night I crawl into bed.
Me: Night Con. I miss you. I’m thinking of you.
Con: Dirty thoughts I hope.
Me: Con!
Me: Maybe ;-)
Con: Well, well, I knew you’d come round eventually. Tomorrow phone me and we’ll do phone sex ;-)
Me: Too far, Con. Too far!
Con: Damn! Night precious. Miss you. Always.
Saturday rolls around and I wake to the clanking of pots. That means Soph’s gotten home from her photo-shoot at some point last night and is in the mood to cook. I look over at the clock on my bedside cabinet. It’s just after 10:00 a.m. and although I have no reason to get up today, I feel like spending a day on my own, somewhere away from here. Away from my life, just for a few moments.
When I was younger, my gran used to take me to Brighton beach. Then when Con and I got together and Gran was a bit too old to travel, he used to take me. I remember when he got his first car and asked where I wanted to go on our first journey, my answer was the beach. It was always the beach. I feel free there.
I grab a shower and throw on black leggings, a heavy burnt orange jumper, my Ugg boots and tie my hair in a topknot. I collect another beanie, gloves and a scarf and grab my lightweight Animal bag, which I can wear across my body so I can put my purse, phone and keys inside.
When I find Soph in the kitchen, she’s i
n the middle of making what looks like pancakes. Well, at least I think it should look like pancakes.
“Morning! Pancakes?” she asks.
I raise an eyebrow and eye the pancakes. “Pass,” I reply and wink.
“They’re not that bad, at least they are edible this time,” she remarks taking a bite of one and then trying to keep the grimace from her face as she tries to eat it. I watch her for a few minutes then I start laughing. She endeavours to give me a dirty look but ends up bursting into laughter whilst simultaneously spitting out her freshly cooked pancake.
After she cleans up her mess and I’ve made tea and coffee for us we sit at the kitchen table.
“So, what are you going to be doing today?” she asks gesturing to my bag, hat, scarf and gloves all sitting on the table together.
“I’m heading to Brighton.”
Soph’s eyes light up. I know she remembers our trips to Brighton. Gran used to bring her with us as much as possible, just to get her away from home. We used to have so much fun. I look over at her fiddling with her plate like it holds the secrets of the world.
“Want to come with?” I ask.
Her head jerks up and her eyes are smiling. “Yes please!” Then she looks down at herself. “But are you happy to wait for me?” she asks uncertainly.
“Of course, but no taking two hours to get ready. Have a shower, don’t wash your hair.” She tries to interrupt me, but I stop her. “No! You had a shoot yesterday. Whatever time you came back last night I know you would’ve showered, so it’s clean. There’s no point in making it pretty. It’s cold and windy outside. It will be even windier by the sea and you will need to wear a hat!”
She rolls her eyes but concedes with an, “Okay.” Then shuffles off to get ready.
As I sit at the table, I flick through a magazine which is obviously Soph’s as it’s full of celebs, when my phone comes to life.
Saul: You all set to get me tomorrow still?
Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) Page 16
