“Sunshine, it’s just… not that easy with, Saul,” he sighs his shoulders deflating.
“Why?...Tell me?… Please?”
He wipes his palm down his face as he sits forward on the chair.
“It’s not his fault… I mean, he doesn’t even know,” he remarks and it throws me slightly.
“What do you mean, it’s not his fault? Not who’s fault?”
“Saul… it’s not his fault… it’s just, well, I don’t like him.”
I sit up at that comment and swing my legs over the sofa. “What do you mean you don’t like him?” I ask and I can hear the edge in my voice.
He holds up his hands in a surrender sign and smiles, but I don’t find him funny.
“Look Pea, it’s not his fault. Like I already said, it’s hard to explain, but I guess I’m jealous of him.”
This baffles me. “Jealous of what?” I ask and the softness has returned to my voice.
“He had a family sunshine, she didn’t reject him,” the end is a whisper.
“I’m not sure he would see it like that,” I reply.
He frowns and looks at me waiting for what I’m going to say, “You never looked hard enough into his life, did you?”
He hangs his head. “No, I didn’t. I guess I didn’t want to see how his life was. The life I felt that I should’ve been a part of.”
“Dane,” I say softly and he looks up at me. “He didn’t have a great upbringing, his mother… your mother… she isn’t sweetness and hugs. She doesn’t do the cookies and milk thing. She takes whatever she can from you, and dismisses everything else you are. I know, I’ve seen it happen to Saul so many times. And I was there. The last time. The time he finally told her he didn’t want her in his life anymore.” I shake my head at my own disbelief. “His dad cheated on his mother, from the bits I’ve gathered from Saul over the years, which isn’t that much. He left with his bit on the side and never came back. Saul was ten at the time and he doesn’t talk about it.”
“Wow, Pea… I didn’t know,” he says as he rubs the back of his neck.
I shake my head at him. “No, you didn’t. But you decided to assume… not cool, Dane. Not cool.” I reach out for his hand and he moves over and sits next to me. “Listen, I know you’ve had it really shit and you’ve yet to let me into all of it and I love you. So I can’t imagine how hard it would be to tell secrets to someone you hardly know, but this is something you have to tell him, and no matter the outcome, you’ll always have me. I’ll always be there for you. Always. You’re my family and I trust you.” His hand jerks in mine at my confession.
“What?” I say, “You don’t think I feel that way?”
He shakes his head. “It’s not that, it’s just been a long time since someone has said that to me.” Now it’s my turn to startle at his words.
“What… what do you mean? How long has it been?” I ask almost not wanting to know the answer, already feeling my heart constricting at the thought of him being hurt.
“The last time someone told me they trusted me was when I was sixteen. I didn’t deserve her trust or her love. I left her behind. I’ve never heard the words since.”
“Who was it? And what do you mean you left her behind?” I have about a thousand questions to ask but blurt those two out first.
He stands up and walks over to my window. I don’t think he’s going to say anything and just as I’m about to get up and join him he starts talking, so I stay where I am to listen. But it’s not what I’m expecting him to say.
“It’s nothing and it doesn’t matter anyway. It’s in the past and I don’t want to talk about it,” he states.
“Everything is in the past, Dane. Everything you’ve done is in the past. It doesn’t mean you can brush everything under the carpet and plead ignorance. Things have a way of coming back and biting you in the arse. Sometimes you need to let it go and to do that, you need to talk about it.”
“I’m not saying never, sunshine, just… not today, okay?”
It’s a plea and so I nod. He can’t see me and when I say nothing he spins around to look at me and I nod again.
“You’ll always have me too, Pea. For what it’s worth, I trust and love you more than anything else in this world.”
I stand up and walk over to him, wrapping my arms around his middle and I look up into his brown eyes… my brown eyes. I whisper, “One day, Dane, I hope that you get to say those words to the love of your life and whoever she is will be very lucky. She is out there, Dane, you just need to open up to the possibility, and when you find her…” I stop and look out the window, thinking about my own non-relationship mess, I steel myself and look back up to him. “When you find her, you need to let her in. Let her help you heal the hurt… let her give you the promise of the love you will share.”
He smiles down at me and says, “But I’ve got you, right?” I nod and smile and he pulls me into him. “That’s all I need then.”
“Just to say. I haven’t forgotten about Saul and he needs to know, apart from anything else, you and I, this,” I say gesturing between the two of us, “this is my news too, and he’s one of my best friends and for many years he’s been my closest confidant. I’m not comfortable not telling everyone,” I say.
He nods at me, although it’s accompanied by a pained look.
“Tomorrow… tomorrow. If everyone is available how about having them all over here, that way if you’re not feeling completely well you don’t have to travel.”
“Friday is better,” I say. “I have work tomorrow and it gives everyone a couple of days.”
“Okay, I can do Friday,” he says and I feel myself relax. I need to get this out there. I need my family to know. I don’t want any more secrets, I’m sick of them.
It feels like ages since I’ve been in this ring. I can smell the sweat, the blood, and the smoke from cigarettes that aren’t supposed to be allowed. I click my neck from side to side and warm up with the punching bag. As soon as my plane landed I knew I needed to come here. I went straight to my house. I’m glad I never rented it out while I was gone, opting instead to pay a fee for someone to check on it weekly to make sure it was secure. I ran into the house, threw my bags on the sofa, I could taste the staleness of the air in my mouth. So even though it’s November I opened all my upstairs windows, grabbed some joggers and a hoodie from my discarded suitcases, picked up my keys and phone and almost flew into my garage. I’d missed my baby, almost as much as Pea. I opened the garage door and took in the sight, black panels gleaming even in the dark, and the alloy wheels sparkling. I flicked the garage lights on and took in my Mercedes S65 AMG Coupe. She’s my baby and I’m not even sure I’d give her up for Pea.
When my mum died, I was left with nothing but bills. My pop was a no-show for most of my life, finally drifting completely off radar when I was about fourteen. I’d heard years ago that he’d died, but I’m not sure if that’s correct. I didn’t care then and I still don’t now. He only ever came back for something, usually money, which Mum stupidly gave him. She’d managed to run herself up a ton of bills, probably because she liked bingo a bit too much. I had to sell her house to pay her debt. Luckily, I only had to use about five thousand of my own money to completely clear the debt and another two thousand to pay for the funeral.
At the time, it nearly wiped me out and I had to live with Saul for a while. About six months after she passed, I had a letter come through, via Pea’s house. It seemed that my grandparents on my mum’s side, who I don’t remember as they passed when I was a toddler, had money. They’d apparently left it to me in some kind of trust fund. When I hit twenty-five, a letter was automatically sent to Pea’s address. In the letter, it was explained that my mum had this put in place in case she wasn’t around when my birthday arrived. She had a note placed in with the letter explaining that she’d been left money by her parents and they had also left a trust fund for me. In the note, she said, “I know you’ll never be without Pea. She’s your anchor.”
Huh… I had thought it was best to put it away until I decided what to do with it. I guess at first I’d hoped that maybe it would set Pea and I up. I knew she’d always live at her gran's house. She loves it, but I thought that money would let her decorate to her heart’s content. We could get married and have holidays, kids. But after a while I gave up and decided to buy what I needed.
The house I bought was a new build. I don’t like it, but I know when I come to sell it that I will have made a profit. I hope to someday live with Pea in her house and make a family.
Fuck that! Not hope, I will someday live with her.
The only thing I’d bought that I’d dreamed of having since being a kid was a car. It was a ridiculous expense. A little under two hundred thousand, so with the cost of the house, I had mere pennies in comparison to what I had before, but I didn’t care. I love this car.
I jump in her and drive around London for a while until I finally turn her in the direction of Murphy’s gym. This place isn’t your typical gym, it’s not a place for a lady, although I know a few women who come here. But they come here to box, not to look pretty on the treadmill. I learnt to box in this place when I was really young, and then moved onto kickboxing when I was about eighteen. I’ve always loved them both and I’m not too shabby at them either. I’ve had a fair few fights in this ring both controlled and feral.
Paddy, the owner, ambles over to me. “Connor lad, I haven’t seen you in a while,” he comments in a gruff northern Irish accent while leaning heavily on a walking stick he doesn’t need.
I grab my towel and wipe the sweat from my face while answering him, “Sorry Paddy, I’ve been in New York working.”
“New York, too good for the likes of us then boy,” he winks and chuckles.
“Naa Paddy, never,” I answer with a grin then add, “I had to go to a titty gym.” I watch as his eyes bug out and I laugh. He calls the modern day gym a titty gym because of what the women wear, and he doesn’t think the men are ‘real men,’ he thinks they are posers or imposters. I can’t say I entirely disagree. Most of those men would be eaten up and spat out within about thirty minutes in this place.
“Did you enjoy it… the titty gym?” he asks.
“Fuck no!” I answer and he smiles and slaps me on the back. “Right answer lad.”
“I better get back to it Paddy or I’ll start getting stiff.”
He looks around and rubs his chin. “Well now, seeing as you’re here I could do with your help.”
“Oh yeah?” I reply.
“I have a new lad, he’s twenty-two, getting real good at kickboxing, nearly at your level.” He sighs. “I wish you’d gone pro.” He looks away and shakes his head. I just roll my eyes, this is our usual banter back and forth, I never wanted to go anywhere with kickboxing I always just enjoyed the release it gave me.
“Anyway,” he continues, “I need someone that can stand with him in the ring. He’s good mind you.”
“Okay, I don’t mind you using me as a punching bag, Paddy. When?”
“Now would be good.” And with that he turns and puts his thumb and forefinger in his mouth and whistles. As usual everyone in the place stops what they’re doing to see who he’s looking at and, therefore, who he wants. Within seconds, a pair of dark eyes have locked onto him and everyone else goes about their business. A guy about two inches shorter than me with a blonde buzz cut jogs over.
“Paddy?” he asks.
“Alex, this is Conner McKenna.” The guy’s eyes widen.
“So you’re the famous Conner McKenna,” he says and chuckles. “This guy never stops talking about you,” he says gesturing with his thumb to Paddy.
“Nice to meet you, Alex,” I say with a chin lift.
“Alex, I want you to go in the ring with Conner,” he says to Alex.
“Fuck yeah!” Alex replies which surprises me. He must see my frown.
“Sorry man, it’s just if you’re as good as they say you are, then it will be an honour. Anyway I need to keep fresh and learn, the only way I’ll learn is to go against people who are better than me.”
I throw my head back and laugh. “I take it, he’s still drilling that shit into people then,” I say shaking my head. This gets me a smack across my shins with Paddy’s walking stick.
“Shut up you, I may be old, but I’ll still kick your arse,” he says.
“Yes sir,” I reply trying to stifle a laugh while rubbing my now sore shin. I catch Alex’s eyes and can see he’s trying not to laugh too.
“Suit up, both of you and get in the ring… five minutes.”
Alex and I head off in different directions to do what we need to do. I need to change into shorts, luckily I have a locker that belongs to me so I have spare stuff in there. Once I’ve changed and Paddy has forced us both to get into head gear, we move into the ring.
It’s strange, when I get into the ring it’s like something takes over me, something completely animal. It switches off all my other emotion and focuses my mind.
We slowly move around the ring, Alex takes a few jabs at me, but nothing makes contact. I bide my time, waiting to see how he moves, how he leans, where his weakness is, where the opening is. Within a few minutes, I see that he places his leg back a bit too much and drops his left hand too much when he jabs.
The next jab he lands on my chin, but I’m ready with a cross counter punch and strike him hard whilst sweeping his legs, which lands him on the floor. Paddy starts shouting at him, but I’ve tuned out. Twenty minutes later and Paddy calls it to an end. The kid’s good, I’ll give Paddy my feedback later. But he still has stuff to learn.
“I see you haven’t lost your touch lad,” Paddy says to me.
“I practice with Saul.”
“Ahhh,” is all he says. He knows we’ve both been training for years.
“Thanks for sparing with me, Conner,” Alex says from my side.
“Anytime man, you need to learn a couple of things, but I think you’ll end up a lot better than me with time.”
Alex shakes his head. “Not sure about that man, but I’m gonna try.”
I nod at him then point to the ring while looking at Paddy. “Is the ring free for a while? I want to stretch with some moves on my own.”
He knows this is my way. It’s what I do.
“Have at it lad,” he says while walking away mumbling and gesturing with his arms to Alex. I smile and get back in the ring.
I used to come here to air my frustration with Pea. The fact that I couldn’t get her back, the fact that no matter how many women I fucked, they were always shadows compared to her light.
Now I’m in the ring with determination, knowing tonight I’m going to upset her peaceful existence. I’m going to take what belongs to me. I’m going to rock her world and then make her live in mine.
This time there is no going back!
I’m pacing and biting my nails, something I haven’t done since I was a teen.
“Stop,” Dane says.
“I can’t, they’ll be here any minute,” I snip to him.
He sighs. “I know that, I’m the one who should be worried, if anyone.”
My eyes dart to him. “Why you? This is my secret too and they’re my family.”
His face softens. “I know sunshine, just calm down, they love you whatever, they always have and they always will.”
I know he’s right and I need to get a grip. The truth is I’m more concerned about how Saul is going to react to Dane.
I hear Soph’s key in the lock and I start, Dane just shakes his head at me and smiles.
The door opens then I catch low murmuring sounds more like arguing between Soph and Saul and I sigh, knowing those two this wi
ll turn into the Soph and Saul show at some point if I let them.
When they walk into the lounge, Saul looks over to Dane and chin lifts him.
“Dane,” he says.
Dane does exactly the same thing. “Saul.”
I almost want to giggle. I stare at them both and notice the similarities. The same complexion, almost the same hair colour, the angles of their cheeks and chin as well as their physique. It’s quite astounding. But Dane has my eyes and lashes. Saul sports piercing blue eyes from his dad.
Saul looks my way and his blank expression changes to warmth as he smiles at me then walks over and hugs me.
“Hey, baby girl, you okay?” he asks pulling back to look in my eyes.
Gah! He’s doing that thing where he looks at me to get a read on what I’m thinking.
“Fine,” I answer dismissing him and spinning round to go to the kitchen.
“Can you all go into the dining room and sit and I’ll bring the food out,” I say.
“Oooh, I’ll come with,” Soph pipes up.
The door to the kitchen barely closes when Soph says, “Spill.”
I look over at her with what I hope looks like an, ‘I have no idea what you mean’ face, but probably looks more like a, ‘please don’t beat me’ face by the way Soph pulls in her eyebrows at me.
“Okay, Soph listen, everything will be explained at dinner.”
“You’ve been giving me this crap for days, Pea! You said when you got home from Dane’s you would tell me. That was Monday. It’s now Friday! This is bad. Friendship rules are there for a reason and this is you breaking them at its worst,” she moans.
“I’m sorry, Soph… love youuu,” I say while pouting.
“Pfft,” she says then wanders into the dining room while grabbing bowls of food on her way through. I pinch my lips between my teeth while trying not to laugh. When I finally get back to the table, I can feel the tension in the air, even Soph is stiff.
“You can dig in whenever you want guys,” I say shakily.
Everyone starts moving at the same time and while there’s so much noise with the clanking of plates and cutlery, it’s still eerily quiet with nobody talking, so I try to make small talk.
Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) Page 22
