The proprietor appeared from behind a red curtain. “May I help the young master?” he said, rubbing his hands. He was a small, spry Irishman. His ears rose to points lightly shrouded in hair; he wore bifocal spectacles and brass-buckled shoes.
“I rather fancy that fantod under the bell jar,” said James, pointing.
“I’ll wager we can do much better for a young man like yourself,” said the proprietor with a leer. “So fresh, so full of life.”
James puffed the thick dust of long neglect from the fantod jar. “Is business all it might be, these days?”
“We have a rather specialized clientele,” said the other, and he introduced himself. His name was Mr. O’Beronne, and he had recently fled his country’s devastating potato famine. James shook Mr. O’Beronne’s small papery hand.
“You’ll be wanting a love-potion,” said Mr. O’Beronne with a shrewd look. “Fellows of your age generally do.”
James shrugged. “Not really, no.”
“Is it budget troubles, then? I might interest you in an ever-filled purse.” The old man skipped from behind the counter and hefted a large bearskin cape.
“Money?” said James with only distant interest.
“Fame then. We have magic brushes—or if you prefer newfangled scientific arts, we have a camera that once belonged to Montavarde himself.”
“No, no,” said James, looking restless. “Can you quote me a price on this fantod?” He studied the fantod critically. It was not in very good condition.
“We can restore youth,” said Mr. O’Beronne in sudden desperation.
“Do tell,” said James, straightening.
“We have a shipment of Dr. Heidegger’s Patent Youthing Waters,” said Mr. O’Beronne. He tugged a quagga hide from a nearby brassbound chest and dug out a square glass bottle. He uncorked it. The waters fizzed lightly, and the smell of May filled the room. “One bottle imbibed,” said Mr. O’Beronne, “restores a condition of blushing youth to man or beast.”
“Is that a fact,” said James, his brows knitting in thought. “How many teaspoons per bottle?”
“I’ve no idea,” Mr. O’Beronne admitted. “Never measured it by the spoon. Mind you, this is an old folks’ item. Fellows of your age usually go for the love-potions.”
“How much for a bottle?” said James.
“It is a bit steep,” said Mr. O’Beronne grudgingly. “The price is everything you possess.”
“Seems reasonable,” said James. “How much for two bottles?”
Mr. O’Beronne stared. “Don’t get ahead of yourself, young man.” He recorked the bottle carefully. “You’ve yet to give me all you possess, mind.”
“How do I know you’ll still have the waters, when I need more?” James said.
Mr. O’Beronne’s eyes shifted uneasily behind his bifocals. “You let me worry about that.” He leered, but without the same conviction he had shown earlier. “I won’t be shutting up this shop—not when there are people of your sort about.”
“Fair enough,” said James, and they shook hands on the bargain. James returned two days later, having sold everything he owned. He handed over a small bag of gold specie and a bank draft conveying the slender remaining funds of his patrimony. He departed with the clothes on his back and the bottle.
Twenty years passed.
The United States suffered civil war. Hundreds of thousands of men were shot, blown up with mines or artillery, or perished miserably in septic army camps. In the streets of New York, hundreds of antidraft rioters were mown down with grapeshot, and the cobbled street before the little magic shop was strewn with reeking dead. At last, after stubborn resistance and untold agonies, the Confederacy was defeated. The war became history.
James Abernathy returned.
“I’ve been in California,” he announced to the astonished Mr. O’Beronne. James was healthily tanned and wore a velvet cloak, spurred boots, and a silver sombrero. He sported a large gold turnip-watch, and his fingers gleamed with gems.
“You struck it rich in the goldfields,” Mr. O’Beronne surmised.
“Actually, no,” said James. “I’ve been in the grocery business. In Sacramento. One can sell a dozen eggs there for almost their weight in gold dust, you know.” He smiled and gestured at his elaborate clothes. “I did pretty well, but I don’t usually dress this extravagantly. You see, I’m wearing my entire worldly wealth. I thought it would make our transaction simpler.” He produced the empty bottle.
“That’s very farsighted of you,” said Mr. O’Beronne. He examined James critically, as if looking for hairline psychic cracks or signs of moral corruption. “You don’t seem to have aged a day.”
“Oh, that’s not quite so,” said James. “I was twenty when I first came here; now I easily look twenty-one, even twenty-two.” He put the bottle on the counter. “You’ll be interested to know there were twenty teaspoons exactly.”
“You didn’t spill any?”
“Oh, no,” said James, smiling at the thought. “I’ve only opened it once a year.”
“It didn’t occur to you to take two teaspoons, say? Or empty the bottle at a draught?”
“Now what would be the use of that?” said James. He began stripping off his rings and dropping them on the counter with light tinkling sounds. “You did keep the Youthing Waters in stock, I presume.”
“A bargain’s a bargain,” said Mr. O’Beronne grudgingly. He produced another bottle. James left barefoot, wearing only shirt and pants, but carrying his bottle.
The 1870s passed and the nation celebrated its centennial. Railroads stitched the continent. Gaslights were installed in the streets of New York. Buildings taller than any ever seen began to soar, though the magic shop’s neighborhood remained obscure.
James Abernathy returned. He now looked at least twenty-four. He passed over the title deeds to several properties in Chicago and departed with another bottle.
Shortly after the turn of the century, James returned again, driving a steam automobile, whistling the theme of the St. Louis Exhibition and stroking his waxed mustache. He signed over the deed to the car, which was a fine one, but Mr. O’Beronne showed little enthusiasm. The old Irishman had shrunken with the years, and his tiny hands trembled as he conveyed his goods.
Within the following period, a great war of global empires took place, but America was mostly spared the devastation. The 1920s arrived, and James came laden with a valise crammed with rapidly appreciating stocks and bonds. “You always seem to do rather well for yourself,” Mr. O’Beronne observed in a quavering voice.
“Moderation’s the key,” said James. “That, and a sunny disposition.” He looked about the shop with a critical eye. The quality of the junk had declined. Old engine parts lay in reeking grease next to heaps of moldering popular magazines and spools of blackened telephone wire. The exotic hides, packets of spice and amber, ivory tusks hand-carved by cannibals, and so forth, had now entirely disappeared. “I hope you don’t mind these new bottles,” croaked Mr. O’Beronne, handing him one. The bottle had curved sides and a machine-fitted cap of cork and tin.
“Any trouble with supply?” said James delicately.
“You let me worry about that!” said Mr. O’Beronne, lifting his lip with a faint snarl of defiance.
James’s next visit came after yet another war, this one of untold and almost unimaginable savagery. Mr. O’Beronne’s shop was now crammed with military surplus goods. Bare electric bulbs hung over a realm of rotting khaki and rubber.
James now looked almost thirty. He was a little short by modern American standards, but this was scarcely noticeable. He wore high-waisted pants and a white linen suit with jutting shoulders.
“I don’t suppose,” muttered Mr. O’Beronne through his false teeth, “that it ever occurs to you to share this? What about wives, sweethearts, children?”
James shrugged. “What about them?”
“You’re content to see them grow old and die?”
“I never see th
em grow all that old,” James observed. “After all, every twenty years I have to return here and lose everything I own. It’s simpler just to begin all over again.”
“No human feelings,” Mr. O’Beronne muttered bitterly.
“Oh, come now,” said James. “After all, I don’t see you distributing elixir to all and sundry, either.”
“But I’m in the magic shop business,” said Mr. O’Beronne, weakly. “There are certain unwritten rules.”
“Oh?” said James, leaning on the counter with the easy patience of a youthful centenarian. “You never mentioned this before. Supernatural law—it must be an interesting field of study.”
“Never you mind that,” Mr. O’Beronne snapped. “You’re a customer, and a human being. You mind your business and I’ll mind mine.”
“No need to be so touchy,” James said. He hesitated. “You know, I have some hot leads in the new plastics industry. I imagine I could make a great deal more money than usual. That is, if you’re interested in selling this place.” He smiled. “They say an Irishman never forgets the Old Country. You could go back into your old line—pot o’ gold, bowl of milk on the doorstep…”
“Take your bottle and go,” O’Beronne shouted, thrusting it into his hands.
Another two decades passed. James drove up in a Mustang convertible and entered the shop. The place reeked of patchouli incense, and Day-Glo posters covered the walls. Racks of demented comic books loomed beside tables littered with hookahs and handmade clay pipes.
Mr. O’Beronne dragged himself from behind a hanging beaded curtain. “You again,” he croaked.
“Right on,” said James, looking around. “I like the way you’ve kept the place up to date, man. Groovy.”
O’Beronne gave him a poisonous glare. “You’re a hundred and forty years old. Hasn’t the burden of unnatural life become insupportable?”
James looked at him, puzzled. “Are you kidding?”
“Haven’t you learned a lesson about the blessings of mortality? About how it’s better not to outlive your own predestined time?”
“Huh?” James said. He shrugged. “I did learn something about material possessions, though…Material things only tie a cat down. You can’t have the car this time, it’s rented.” He dug a hand-stitched leather wallet from his bell-bottom jeans. “I have some fake ID and credit cards.” He shook them out over the counter.
Mr. O’Beronne stared unbelieving at the meager loot. “Is this your idea of a joke?”
“Hey, it’s all I possess,” James said mildly. “I could have bought Xerox at fifteen, back in the ’50s. But last time I talked to you, you didn’t seem interested. I figured it was like, you know, not the bread that counts, but the spirit of the thing.”
Mr. O’Beronne clutched his heart with a liver-spotted hand. “Is this never going to end? Why did I ever leave Europe? They know how to respect a tradition there…” He paused, gathering bile. “Look at this place! It’s an insult! Call this a magic shop?” He snatched up a fat mushroom-shaped candle and flung it to the floor.
“You’re overwrought,” James said. “Look, you’re the one who said a bargain’s a bargain. There’s no need for us to go on with this any longer. I can see your heart’s not in it. Why not put me in touch with your wholesaler?”
“Never!” O’Beronne swore. “I won’t be beaten by some coldblooded… bookkeeper.”
“I never thought of this as a contest,” James said with dignity. “Sorry to see you take it that way, man.” He picked up his bottle and left.
The allotted time elapsed, and James repeated his pilgrimage to the magic shop. The neighborhood had declined. Women in spandex and net hose lurked on the pavement, watched from the corner by men in broad-brimmed hats and slick polished shoes. James carefully locked the doors of his BMW.
The magic shop’s once-curtained windows had been painted over in black. A neon sign above the door read ADULT PEEP 25¢.
Inside, the shop’s cluttered floor space had been cleared. Shrink-wrapped magazines lined the walls, their fleshy covers glaring under the bluish corpse-light of overhead fluorescents. The old counter had been replaced by a long glass-fronted cabinet displaying knotted whips and flavored lubricants. The bare floor clung stickily to the soles of James’s Gucci shoes.
A young man emerged from behind a curtain. He was tall and bony, with a small, neatly trimmed mustache. His smooth skin had a waxy subterranean look. He gestured fluidly. “Peeps in the back,” he said in a high voice, not meeting James’s eyes. “You gotta buy tokens. Three bucks.”
“I beg your pardon?” James said.
“Three bucks, man!”
“Oh.” James produced the money. The man handed over a dozen plastic tokens and vanished at once behind the curtains.
“Excuse me?” James said. No answer. “Hello?”
The peep machines waited in the back of the store, in a series of curtained booths. The vinyl cushions inside smelled of sweat and butyl nitrate. James inserted a token and watched.
He then moved to the other machines and examined them as well. He returned to the front of the shop. The shopkeeper sat on a stool, ripping the covers from unsold magazines and watching a small television under the counter.
“Those films,” James said. “That was Charlie Chaplin. And Douglas Fairbanks. And Gloria Swanson…”
The man looked up, smoothing his hair. “Yeah, so? You don’t like silent films?”
James paused. “I can’t believe Charlie Chaplin did porn.”
“I hate to spoil a magic trick,” the shopkeeper said, yawning. “But they’re genuine peeps, pal. You ever hear of Hearst Mansion? San Simeon? Old Hearst, he liked filming his Hollywood guests on the sly. All the bedrooms had spy holes.”
“Oh,” James said. “I see. Ah, is Mr. O’Beronne in?”
The man showed interest for the first time. “You know the old guy? I don’t get many nowadays who knew the old guy. His clientele had pretty special tastes, I hear.”
James nodded. “He should be holding a bottle for me.”
“Well, I’ll check in the back. Maybe he’s awake.”
The shopkeeper vanished again. He reappeared minutes later with a brownish vial. “Got some love-potion here.”
James shook his head. “Sorry, that’s not it.”
“It’s the real stuff, man! Works like you wouldn’t believe!” The shopkeeper was puzzled. “You young guys are usually into love-potions. Well, I guess I’ll have to rouse the old guy for you. Though I kind of hate to disturb him.”
Long minutes passed, with distant rustling and squeaking. Finally the shopkeeper backed through the curtains, tugging a wheelchair. Mr. O’Beronne sat within it, wrapped in bandages, his wrinkled head shrouded in a dirty nightcap. “Oh,” he said at last. “So it’s you again.”
“Yes, I’ve returned for my—”
“I know, I know.” Mr. O’Beronne stirred fitfully on his cushions. “I see you’ve met my…associate. Mr. Ferry.”
“I kind of manage the place, these days,” said Mr. Ferry. He winked at James, behind Mr. O’Beronne’s back.
“I’m James Abernathy,” James said. He offered his hand.
Ferry folded his arms warily. “Sorry, I never do that.”
O’Beronne cackled feebly and broke into a fit of coughing. “Well, my boy,” he said finally, “I was hoping I’d last long enough to see you one more time…Mr. Ferry! There’s a crate, in the back, under those filthy movie posters of yours…”
“Sure, sure,” Ferry said indulgently. He left.
“Let me look at you,” said O’Beronne. His eyes, in their dry, leaden sockets, had grown quite lizardlike. “Well, what do you think of the place? Be frank.”
“It’s looked better,” James said. “So have you.”
“But so has the world, eh?” O’Beronne said. “He does bang-up business, young Ferry. You should see him manage the books…” He waved one hand, its tiny knuckles warped with arthritis. “It’s such a blessing,
not to have to care anymore.”
Ferry reappeared, lugging a wooden crate, crammed with dusty six-packs of pop-top aluminum cans. He set it gently on the counter.
Every can held Youthing Water. “Thanks,” James said, his eyes widening. He lifted one pack reverently, and tugged at a can.
“Don’t,” O’Beronne said. “This is for you, all of it. Enjoy it, son. I hope you’re satisfied.”
James lowered the cans, slowly. “What about our arrangement?”
O’Beronne’s eyes fell, in an ecstasy of humiliation. “I humbly apologize. But I simply can’t keep up our bargain any longer. I don’t have the strength, you see. So this is yours now. It’s all I could find.”
“Yeah, this must be pretty much the last of it,” nodded Ferry, inspecting his nails. “It hasn’t moved well for some time—I figure the bottling plant shut up shop.”
“So many cans, though…” James said thoughtfully. He produced his wallet. “I brought a nice car for you, outside…”
“None of that matters now,” said Mr. O’Beronne. “Keep all of it, just consider it my forfeit.” His voice fell. “I never thought it would come to this, but you’ve beaten me, I admit it. I’m done in.” His head sagged limply.
Mr. Ferry took the wheelchair’s handles. “He’s tired now,” he said soothingly. “I’ll just wheel him back out of our way, here…” He held the curtains back and shoved the chair through with his foot. He turned to James. “You can take that case and let yourself out. Nice doing business—goodbye.” He nodded briskly.
“Goodbye, sir!” James called. No answer.
James hauled the case outside to his car, and set it in the backseat. Then he sat in front for a while, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.
Finally he went back in.
Mr. Ferry had pulled a telephone from beneath his cash register. When he saw James he slammed the headset down. “Forget something, pal?”
Ascendancies Page 26
