Her eyebrows shot up as she pushed out, “Nothing. It’s just…”
“You don’t feel the same?” I tried to finish for her.
But she didn’t quite agree, gnawing on her lip before she quietly explained, “I’m not... allowing myself to feel the same. You and I? We could never be. I thought you knew that.”
I did know that, but somehow it still didn’t quite make sense. I mean, I knew I wasn’t imagining our connection, wasn’t imagining the natural vibe we had when it was just the two of us. And even if she had let it slip, that “babe” came from somewhere; probably the same place that wasn’t “allowing” her to feel the same.
“So what the fuck am I doing?” I whispered more to myself than her, realizing just how much the whole thing - she - had me trippin’. I mean, it was one thing for me to start developing real feelings for her. But to have her schooling me on protocol like I didn’t know what it was?
I was really out of my damn mind, and Londyn only made that realization more valid when she replied, “If you were trying to screw me into having feelings for you, I probably could’ve saved you the headache.”
With that, there was really nothing more for me to say without starting an argument that wasn’t worth having. So instead, I stayed quiet, finishing my clean up and checking myself in the mirror to make sure nothing seemed too suspicious before I went to leave the bathroom. But I didn’t get too far when Londyn stopped me with a hand against my wrist to say, “Chance, wait…”
I turned back just slightly to see her over my shoulder and was surprised to see the legitimately concerned expression on her face as she asked, “Are we still cool?”
The smart thing to do would’ve been to stop while I was ahead, drop out while I had the chance, fall back while it still made sense. But for whatever reason, logic got ruled out by egotism when I finally replied, “If cool means will I still fuck you? Then yeah, I guess so.”
Londyn
The conversation wouldn’t stop playing in my head.
Chance admitted he had caught feelings, and I… lowkey shamed him for it while also knowing he was far from alone. And even though I knew it was stupid, I couldn’t help thinking about everything that could go wrong instead of just doing what felt right, existing in a space that almost felt too good to be true - probably because I knew it was only temporary.
Truth be told, that was the only thing keeping me back; the fact that completely falling for him didn’t make sense since I knew he would be leaving soon, going back to his own little life which more than likely included his own little roster of women. But when it was just us two, not even that was enough to stop me from just absorbing everything him, appreciating who he had become and relearning things I thought I already knew.
In all honesty, when it came to things I’d want in a potential partner, Chance seemed to have them all. He was fine, funny, chill, had a good job, great dick, respected the hell out of me, and did I mention he was fine?
But he was also Chance.
Eric’s best friend.
Chuck - God rest his troubled, trifling soul - and Ellen’s son who now lived a hefty road trip away.
Off-limits in terms of the real relationship neither one of us were supposed to be interested in; a relationship I was jumping to in my own head since he had only mentioned “liking” me.
Apparently, I was a little too deep in thought about it all as Khalid whined, “I know you ain’t have me come over here to help you just for me to do all the work.”
I almost forgot I was even supposed to be taking my braids down, enjoying just sitting there and thinking about Chance more. Though I still told Khalid, “I’m sorry. I’m just… thinking.”
He just about bopped me upside the side of my head he was working to take down when he said, “Obviously, LoLo. So what’s up? What’s got you all in your head?”
With a heavy sigh, I admitted, “Chance. He…”
I didn’t get any further without Khalid interrupting to say, “I’ll fuck ‘em up if he dogged you. You know that, right?”
While I could appreciate his ride or die mentality, the truth was, “He didn’t do anything. I mean, not really.”
“So what is it then?” he asked, releasing my hair from the braid and tossing the weave in the trash.
I had a braid in my hand to do the same, but couldn’t do anything with it once I answered, “He told me he liked me.”
Just saying it out loud made my chest tight with… feels; things I wished I could embrace instead of push away. But since embracing them meant putting myself at risk for getting hurt in the long run - or a few weeks when he left - , brushing them off seemed like the only option, even if that didn’t exactly feel good either.
Of course, Khalid was hardly fazed by any of it, cutting another braid to start on as he asked, “And? You’re dope as fuck. Why wouldn’t he like you?”
The question was a fair one; one I truly couldn’t answer with anything better than, “Because, he’s not supposed to like me. We’re just supposed to be… doing what we do, you know. No strings attached.”
It made sense to me. But once again, Khalid seemed unfazed by my explanation, staying focused on my hair when he gave one of his own. “Well the longer you go, the more the strings get tied together whether you like it or not; kinda like headphones. No one ever actually tangles their headphones, but them bitches always find a way to get tied up over time.”
“Wow,” I thought, hating how much I understood his little analogy while also continuing to listen in as he said, “But I have a feeling this isn’t about him liking you. This is about you liking him.”
“Why does that sound so elementary?” I asked, finally getting to the braid I was taking out.
Khalid didn’t exactly make me feel any better about it when he answered, “Because it is, LoLo. If you like him and he likes you, just let the shit be. It’s really not that complicated. And I mean, for y’all to do what y’all do as much as y’all do it, the least you could do is like the man.”
While I could only imagine how Chance would feel if he knew Khalid was talking about our situation so openly, I also knew Khalid was the only one who wouldn’t judge me for the details, even when I replied, “But it is that complicated. I mean, he’s only here for a little while longer. Then what?”
“Then you figure out the next step when you get there. But for you to be trippin’ like homie asked you to marry him is a little much. A lotta much,” he muttered, shaking his head as his eyes went back to my hair.
I tried to do the same, pulling the weave out and tossing it in the trash as I explained, “I didn’t trip. I just… put him back in the place we agreed on.”
To me, it sounded simple enough, staying in the lane we had set the only way to ensure we wouldn’t crash. But according to Khalid, there was apparently nothing wrong with a little detour once he explained, “Shit changes all the time, Londyn. And I know you on your “independent woman, don’t need no man” shit, but ain’t nothin’ wrong with going with the flow and doing what feels right.”
He had a point.
While going with the flow hadn’t always been my thing, my calculated moves serving me much better, there wasn’t room for plans and strategy when it came to Chance. He was different, which meant he was also deserving of a different me who wasn’t afraid to go off the beaten path a little bit; wasn’t afraid to just… enjoy something for what it was, even if it wasn’t how I originally imagined it.
So instead of starting on the last set of braids, I grabbed my phone to shoot Chance a text that I hoped could get us back on track - or at least send us on the scenic route.
“Hey. You busy tonight?” - Londyn
My phone was still in my hand when I saw the bubbles pop up on the screen meaning he was typing out a reply. But for how long it showed he was typing, I certainly wasn’t expecting a basic ass, “Yup.” - Chance
Khalid was already over my shoulder reading the message, laughing as he said, “Damn. For it
to only be one word, that text is loud as hell.”
It was so short, yet so definite; not leaving any room for me to maneuver my way back into his good graces. And as I stared at my phone feeling dumbfounded, I asked, “What do I say back? Or do I even say anything at all? See. This is exactly why catching feelings is for the birds.”
“Well tweet, tweet, shorty. Cause you got it bad,” Khalid replied with another laugh, not being any help outside of the fact that he had probably taken down more of my braids than I had. But considering the trauma he had left on my fingers from doing his hair over the years, it was really the least he could do, leaving me to figure out what to respond.
Naturally, I was tempted to reply with some of the same attitude he was obviously giving me. But since I was supposed to be doing “different”, I decided to play nice, giving him a sweet and honest response instead.
“Well if plans change, let me know. I’d love to see you.” - Londyn
Staring at my phone, I truly felt proud of myself for not going the petty route. But I wished I had once I read his reply that had only doubled in size from the first one.
“I bet.” - Chance
“Okay, seriously. What the fuck is wrong with him?” I thought out loud, prompting Khalid to peek over my shoulder once again.
But I wished he hadn’t since he only rubbed in the fact that Chance was being an ass when he gushed, “Wow. This nigga really ain’t playin’. I mean, I know I can be cold. But Chance is on some straight Frozen, wanna build a snowman shit.”
The fact that Khalid actually sounded impressed had me snapping my head back to say, “Hey! Whose side are you on?!”
“Yours, little baby. You know that. But I’m also taking notes on this free game he’s dishin’ out,” he replied with another little chuckle that had me tossing an elbow his way. Then I went back to my phone, the conversation once again at a stopping point that had me questioning if I should reply at all.
While it probably made more sense for me to just let it be, I couldn’t help myself when I finally typed out, “You bet? What’s that supposed to mean? - Londyn
“I bet you wanna see me tonight, but I have plans. So maybe another time.” - Chance
Him being busy - having plans - wasn’t what bothered me since that was pretty typical. But the fact that he was offering another time as an alternative instead of later on tonight like usual had me feeling suspicious enough to ask, “Plans more important than me?” - Londyn
“Obviously.” - Chance
“Man, give me your damn phone, LoLo. You ain’t doing nothin’ but digging yourself into a deeper hole for no reason,” Khalid said, reaching to snatch my phone from my hand and save me from myself.
But somehow I managed to dodge him, practically fuming when I said, “No. Fuck that. I’m about to get some answers,” while also typing out, “What’s her name?” - Londyn
Once I pressed send, Khalid released the heaviest of sighs, clearly disappointed with how I was handling the situation. But his feelings about it didn’t matter, my eyes tight as I read Chance’s latest text.
“Why do you even care?” - Chance
“Why do I care?” I asked myself, the question calming me down just slightly since I shouldn’t have given a damn. But I did care, because of feelings; the same feelings he apparently had for me… until now.
With that, I found just enough leftover petty to reply, “I don’t. I’m just asking.” - Londyn
“Because you care…” - Chance
“Checkmated your ass. That’s what you get,” Khalid said, making me roll my eyes as I went back and forth on what to say.
On one hand, I wanted to admitted he was right, be off the games and just lay it all out there for him to decide what to do next. But on the other hand, I couldn’t get over the fact that he was already seeing someone else - making plans more important than me. A fact that ruled out any and all sensibilities when I typed out, “Are you gonna tell me who it is, or you hiding that bitch?” - Londyn
“Londyn, you’re really trippin’ now,” Khalid said, his tone the most serious it had been all evening. And once I read Chance’s reply, I quickly realized I should’ve given him my phone when I had the chance, feeling ridiculous for taking things so far.
“Pretty sure my mother isn’t a bitch. And I wasn’t hiding anything. It just wasn’t your business. ” - Chance
“You’re right. It’s not. Have a good night.” - Londyn
“I will.” - Chance
“I hate him. He’s canceled,” I told Khalid, finally tossing my phone to the side since it had already gotten me in plenty of trouble; not to mention I had called Miss. Ellen a bitch on accident. But the fact that I had gotten so irrationally emotional spoke louder than I liked, only frustrating me even more since I still wanted his ass.
“Man, you gotta get out your feelings or call one of your homegirls for this shit. Cause I ain’t equipped,” Khalid said, shaking his head as he continued doing all the work on my braids.
I was even more grateful now since that allowed me to just sit there and pout, my lips pushed out when I whined, “Why are y’all like this?”
Once again, he seemed more on Chance’s side than mine when he fired back, “Why are you like this? How can you be mad at him when you’re the one who set the precedent?”
“Stop making so much sense,” I groaned, closing my eyes until Khalid yanked hard on one of the few braids left to get my attention.
I threw him the nastiest side eye when he said, “You mean, stop telling you exactly what your stubborn ass needs to hear. After what you said, you can’t be mad at him for acting so… detached. I mean, he really has no choice but to fall back if you made him feel like he was doing too much.”
“But what if I don’t want him to fall back?” I asked, desperate for any and all advice that would get Chance and I on better terms.
Of course Khalid made it sound simple as hell when he answered, “Then quit being a little petty bop and tell him the truth.”
“And if he hurts my feelings?” I countered, thinking the reminder of them being at stake would put things in perspective for Khalid.
But he only shrugged as he said, “Then it’s probably your fault.”
“Khalid!”
“What? I’m just sayin’. I know how you can get and shit ain’t always as sweet as you think. But if he does some legit foul shit, I’ll fuck ‘em up for you,” he replied, the fact that he at least had my back in that regard enough to put me at ease even though I still didn’t know what to do next.
Ideas didn’t come easy, but the first one that came to mind was, “His mom doesn’t live far from here. Should I just… swing by?”
“Hell nah. Especially not with your hair looking like a damn bird’s nest.”
“We’re almost done!” I defended, catching the side eye he shot my way before I corrected, “You’re… almost done. I just need to wash it really quick.”
Instead of agreeing with my plans, Khalid only shook his head as he replied, “I’m not gonna tell you what to do cause I know you’re gonna do what you wanna do anyway. But if you want my advice, just stay home.”
He knew I wasn’t going to stay home.
He knew I’d be getting in my car the second my hair dried - enough - and riding over to Chance’s mother’s house in hopes of running into him, just so I could lay it all on the table and revise what was originally supposed to be a simple arrangement. But I probably should’ve stayed home since, once I turned onto Miss. Ellen’s street, I saw a car in the driveway. A car I quickly learned belonged to the girl Chance claimed to have never had feelings for meaning he wasn’t exactly spending tonight with his mother.
I parked in the shadows so that I could watch as Chance walked Michelle to her car, obviously enjoying whatever she was talking about according to the smile on his face. He even played gentleman by opening her door for her, hanging onto it as she climbed in before bidding her a pleasant farewell.
Too damn pleasa
nt.
He watched from the driveway as she pulled off, waiting until she turned the corner before he headed back inside. And I could only sit there feeling… foolish amongst other things since I had so wrongfully assumed he was actually telling me truth about his little plans.
I damn near jumped out of my seat when my phone buzzed with a text from the culprit himself.
“Finished early. You still want me?” - Chance
The unfortunate truth was that I did still want him, even after watching him and Michelle. But I couldn’t go out like that, using my right mind to reply, “No thanks. I don’t do sloppy seconds.” - Londyn
Or maybe it wasn’t my right mind since I wasn’t even supposed to know about him and Michelle, a fact he might’ve picked up on according to his response.
“Sloppy seconds? What are you talking about?” - Chance
“Nothing. I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” - Londyn
“Nah, wake up. I’m on my way.” - Chance
“Shit,” I whispered, too close to his mother’s house to start my car without drawing attention to myself with the headlights. But since he had yet to come back outside meaning he wasn’t exactly on his way quite yet, I typed out, “I’m not home.” hoping that would deter him.
It didn’t take long for me to realize it was me who was the distracted one, forgetting my own words once I read, “So how are you going to bed?” - Chance
In a panic, I went back to my old ways, firing off a text I knew wouldn’t make anything better. But I couldn’t help myself, pressing send on what I knew was far from the truth.
“Who said I was going to my own?” - Londyn
“LOL wowwww. Aight, bet. Have fun.” - Chance
His text gave me mixed feelings; on one hand frustrated that he was giving up so easily and on the other hand tickled that he was trying to mask his usual jealousy. With that in mind, I found myself smirking in the darkness of my car as I sent, “You don’t mean that.”
“Nah, go ahead and get your ass disappointed if you want to. You know whoever it is ain’t gonna do you like I would. Your loss.” - Chance
The Games We Play Page 11
