For my boyfriend Matt, his appointment at the bottom came in a place of absolute calm. Ironic, really, considering how much he enjoyed chaos during his life, but there you go. The last time we were together, down in Carolina at the apartment he shared with Leo, I’d sensed a difference. I didn’t know what it was; a year before I would’ve let myself believe he was finally changing. But now I knew better, so no matter how much he begged, no matter how many times he assured me that he had a plan this time . . . I was strong. I wouldn’t listen. I stuck to the party line I’d rehearsed all the way down there.
“Matt, we’re not good for each other. We’re destroying each other. We bounce from hurt to hurt, and in between . . . yes, things are good. I’ve loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. But God, Matt. Even when things are good between us, I’m waiting. Waiting for the next time they get bad, and holding my breath, afraid of what might set us off again. I can’t live that way. Not anymore. You don’t want to get better, and all I’m doing is giving you another excuse not to change.”
When I’d left, it hadn’t been with the sense of sad finality I’d expected. I’d fled the apartment, crying, still not sure I’d done the right thing. And for two weeks, I’d lived in that place of limbo, trying to move on even while dread held on tight.
In those two weeks, Matt found his rock bottom. I’ll never know exactly how or what happened. Either out of spite or compassion, he didn’t leave that information for me. No, the only thing Matt left for me was a piece of paper with the words I’m sorry printed on it, and an odd assortment of personal effects zipped up in a duffel bag in his closet, things that might have meant something to his grandparents, to Leo or to me.
I don’t remember the week after his death or his funeral. When I couldn’t stop screaming the day Leo gave me the news, a doctor sedated me, and my mother and friends kept me dosed up all over that time. The only thing I did recall, vaguely, was someone murmuring that Matt was finally at peace.
It stuck with me, that phrase. Probably because in finding peace—if in fact he had—Matt had stolen from me any chance of knowing the same feeling. The end of his journey was the beginning of my own.
If Matt’s rock bottom was forever a mystery to me, my own was crystal clear. It happened in the chip aisle of a grocery store, just over a year after Matt killed himself.
In the space of that year, I’d graduated from college, started grad school and landed a job as an assistant at a local television station’s news department. I’d rented an apartment that was tiny and crappy, but it was mine. I’d helped my friend Quinn get through the last months of our friend Nate’s life and watched her flee to California. To the world at large, it probably seemed like I was moving on, finding my stride and recovering, but nothing could’ve been further from the truth.
The only moving I was doing was through life, in the same numb way I’d been pushing through for months. I got up, went to school, went to work, came home, ate crappy take-out food or frozen dinners and went to bed. Oh, there were times when Zelda, who’d been one of my college roommates and now lived in Philadelphia, too, forcibly removed me from my apartment and made me go out with her. But that rhythm of predictability was something I clung to; on some level it gave me comfort.
Weekends meant burying myself at home with homework and endless marathons of old television series. I’d pick out the show and seasons I planned to watch every Friday morning, just to give myself something to look forward to that night. I’d stop on the way home for my favorite snacks: two jumbo bags of ridged potato chips, onion dip and a case of flavored seltzer water. The six-packs of beer I passed on the way to the chip aisle tempted me, but I never gave into that particular vice. I didn’t have a problem with alcohol. I’d partied hard through school with no residual ill-effects, and I sure loved a good beer when I was indulging in snack food. But drinking alone was too scary for me. It was too much like Matt. So I saved my beer calories for the rare times I was out with Zelda or visiting Quinn.
But on that particular day, I didn’t even give the beer a second glance. I’d already cued up the fourth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on my subscription service, and all I needed were my chips and dip, my seltzer, and a box of frozen veggie eggrolls. (I called those my concession to healthy eating.) Once I got home, I’d change into old sweats, sit on the raggedy ancient couch, surround myself with the junk food and watch Buffy, with occasional intervals for sleep, until Sunday night.
In my small basket, I already had the dip, the eggrolls and the seltzer. All I needed were the chips, which I always got last so that they weren’t crushed by the other items. I walked expectantly to the spot on the shelf where they always waited for me.
Nothing. Empty. Nada. Zip. Out. Of. Stock.
Frantically, I pawed through the bags on either side of the empty slot, sure they must’ve gotten mixed with a different variety. But no, they weren’t there. Once I accepted that hard truth, there was only one thing to do.
I sat down on the cold, dirty tile of that grocery store and began to cry.
That, my friends, is rock bottom.
But wait. It gets worse.
“Uh . . . Gia?”
The voice that filtered through my sobs wasn’t familiar, but clearly he knew my name. I risked a peek up at the guy, wondering who’d wandered by to witness my final breakdown. Lucky me—even in a city where I knew less than a handful of people, I couldn’t even manage a simple crying jag in the middle of a grocery store without someone I knew just happening to stroll by.
I didn’t know this dude. But the tiny hidden part of me that was still alive and interested thought that I wished I did. He was seriously ripped, and the red T-shirt he wore looked like it barely contained his chest and arms. All that muscle tapered down to a narrow waist, where faded denim took over, hugging massive thighs. I couldn’t see his ass from where I sat, but judging from the rest of the package, it had to be fine. I just knew it had to be.
His blond hair was short, and his eyes were a striking bright green. But when he crossed his arms over that drool-worthy chest and his lips twitched—not in humor, I didn’t think, but maybe in bemusement—a dimple popped out in his left cheek.
And that was what made me remember.
I did know this guy. He’d been one of Matt’s classmates and football teammates at Carolina, but he was actually local to South Jersey. I’d met him the first time Quinn and I had made a road trip down to the college, for her to visit Leo. It had been the same weekend I’d hooked up with Matt for the first time. I had a sudden and vivid memory of meeting this guy—his name was Tate—at the bar where I’d gone with Leo and Quinn. Leo had introduced us, and this dude had asked me why I had a rule about not dating football players. I remembered now that he’d made me uneasy, not because he was at all threatening—he wasn’t—but because it felt like when he looked at me with those incredible green eyes, he was seeing through to my soul.
That was a part of me I didn’t want anyone getting a look at. So I’d been flippant and kind of rude, and a few minutes later, I’d fallen into Matt’s arms on the dance floor. Literally fallen, or just about . . . and he’d danced with me, whispering the filthiest, most erotic words into my ear, until there wasn’t any doubt in my mind that he was coming back to my hotel room with me that night.
It was the beginning for Matt and me . . . the start of a long, painful story that had only brief blips of mind-blowing happiness. But even before Matt, apparently, there’d been this guy.
This Tate whoever-he-was.
“Are you okay?” Ignorant of my trip down memory lane, he dropped to a crouch next to me, his eyebrows knit together.
“I, uh . . .” It was all I could get out.
“I’m Tate Durham. I’m a friend of Leo’s. We met—”
“Down in Carolina, at college. I remember.” I swallowed. “Um, what’re you doing here?”
He grinned then, and his entire face lit up like an evergreen on Christmas morning. “I pl
ay for Philadelphia, and one of my teammates lives around here. I’m heading over there to hang out and play video games, but I promised I’d bring the snacks. Figured I’d just pick them up here.” He cocked his head. “Weird, though. Usually I’d go to the grocery store near my house, in Jersey. But tonight, I was running late, and I actually forgot to stop until I got over the bridge. I’ve never been to this store. I guess running into you was meant to be.”
My face burned. God, could this get any more embarrassing? Couldn’t a girl even lose her mind in peace and private? Was that asking too much?
“If by meant to be, you mean running into me is a good thing, I’d advise you to get your head checked. You’re probably taking too many hits on the field.” I scrambled, trying to find my feet. “In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m sitting on the floor in the chip aisle, crying like a crazy bitch. That’s not someone you’re happy you ran into, buddy. That’s a train wreck you pretend not to see as you walk quickly in the other direction.”
Tate shrugged, his large shoulder moving up and down. “I don’t see it that way. You must be having a bad night, and it was probably kismet that I’m here.” He offered me a hand. “Come on. Why don’t you let me help you up, we’ll pay for your stuff—” He nodded to my small handbasket, sitting on the floor next to me. “And then I’ll take you out for a drink. Or dinner, if you’re up to it.”
There were so many things wrong with that suggestion, so many reasons why it was the worst idea in the entire universe, that I couldn’t decide which one to use first. So for a few seconds, my mouth opened and closed like a fish who was looking to get back into the nice, safe pond.
Tate took advantage of my inability to speak to grab my hand, haul me to my feet and pick up my basket. I followed him down the aisle, mostly because he held both my hand and my food. I was still too shocked to speak up when he paid for the stuff in the basket—minus the chips, thank you very much, which I’d have to do without this weekend—and led me outside into the chill of the early spring air.
It was probably the change in temperature that jerked me out of my stupor. I stopped dead on the sidewalk, and Tate, who apparently didn’t want to be seen dragging a girl along in the middle of the city, obligingly halted, too.
“You can’t do this. I can’t do this. I don’t know what your deal is, but I’m not a pity case and I’m not a good bet for getting laid, either. Thanks for the food. I’d pay you back, but I don’t have any cash. I’m broke, I’m an emotional mess and I might be slightly mentally unhinged. If you had half the intelligence God gave a goose, you’d leave me right here.”
Tate hadn’t let go of my hand. Instead, if anything, he held it tighter in his huge grip.
“I’m just a football player. Never claimed to be that smart.”
If you follow me on social media, you already know how difficult the writing—and particularly the ending—of this book was for me. I didn’t want to see it end. I didn’t want to say good-bye to Nate, Quinn and Leo.
And yet, here we are.
So first I’m going to say thank you to the three people who inspired the original story of the Trio. It has evolved and changed since its inception, but if not for you three, I wouldn’t have conceived the idea. I am so grateful for this story and the privilege of writing it.
Thank you to all the people who put their hard work and passion into the creation of this book. Robin Ludwig and Meg Murrey both contributed to the cover designs, and I am grateful to both of them. Stacey Blake . . . well, I have no words. You constantly amaze me, and not only with your incredible talented but with your compassion and patience. Thank you for making this series exactly what it needed to be.
To my beta team . . . you rock my world! Kara Schilling, Niki Mattes, Carla Edmonson, Christy Durbin, Krissy Smith, Ann Sutphin, Marla Wenger, Dawn Line, Yvonne Farmer, and Julianna Santiago—thank you so much. You keep me straight and make the stories so much better. Thank you for crying, for caring and for loving these characters as much as I do.
Thank you to Carla Edmonson, winner of the Tell Me Your Love Story contest, for allowing me the honor of using her own love story in part of this book. Her tale of true love touched me deeply, and I am thrilled we could use it.
And a huge thanks to ALL my Temptresses. During the writing of this book, you helped keep me sane-ish and even made me laugh. You are all my friends, and I treasure you.
To Mandie and Olivia, I couldn’t do this without you. Thank you for putting up with me. Mandie, once we make it through another year of Indie Bookfest, we are celebrating BIG. Get ready. And Olivia, I can’t wait until we can party together in October! Much love to you both.
I am sending piles of gratitude to the musicians whose talent helped to shape this story. Eddie Vedder’s Future Days was on repeat, and Sarah McLachlan’s Full of Grace, a long-time favorite, spoke anew to me. The rest of the artists on the play list were just as instrumental, and I can’t imagine this story without their inadvertent contributions. One of the advantages to reading this story on iBooks is that you can see how each song fits into the appropriate chapter, which is ever so cool.
This summer was so much different for my family. For once, I was home. I didn’t travel at all for book events. I treasured each and every moment in my beautiful home with my incredible husband and my kids. My family means everything to me, and having the time to enjoy them was an amazing blessing. I love my readers, and I missed seeing you on the road, but I needed this! I think this book is that much better because of the time I had at home.
Being an author isn’t easy. We’re always second-guessing ourselves, wondering if we could have done more, working long, late hours and turning ourselves inside out for the story. What makes it all worth it is YOU, the readers. Messages, emails, posts, reviews—all of those are what keep me going day after day. Thank you for reading. Thank you for reviewing. Thank you for sharing. My gratitude knows no bounds.
Days of You and Me Play List
The Water is Wide—Karla Bonoff
Hey, That’s No Way to Say Good-Bye—Roberta Flack
Truce—Twenty-One Pilots
Life is Eternal—Carly Simon
Full of Grace—Sarah McLachlin
Hard Love—NeedToBreathe
Big Girls Don’t Cry—Fergie
Til Kingdom Come—Coldplay
Coming Your Way—Beach Avenue
Unpack Your Heart—Philip Philips
To Make You Feel My Love—Billy Joel
God Only Knows—Natalie Maines
Shameless—Billy Joel
Come to Me—The Goo Goo Dolls
I Bet My Life—Imagine Dragons
Even More Mine—Rita Wilson
Future Days—Pearl Jam
Keeping Score
When We Were Us
Hanging By A Moment
Days of You and Me
The King Series
Fearless
Breathless
Restless
Endless
Crystal Cove Books
The Posse
The Plan
The Path
The Perfect Dish Series
Best Served Cold
Just Desserts
I Choose You
The One Trilogy Box Set
The Last One
The First One
The Only One
12 Christmas Romances to Melt Your Heart
The Always Love Trilogy
Always For You
Always My Own
Always Our Love
The Seredipity Duet
Undeniable
Unquenchable
Recipe for Death Series
Death Fricassee
Death A La Mode
Photo by Heather Batchelder
Tawdra Kandle writes romance, in just about all its forms. She loves unlikely pairings, strong women, sexy guys, hot love scenes and just enough conflict to make it interesting. Her books run from YA paranormal romance through NA paranormal and
contemporary romance to adult contemporary and paramystery romance. She lives in central Florida with a husband, kids, sweet pup and too many cats. And yeah, she rocks purple hair.
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