Dracula, My Love: The Secret Journals of Mina Harker

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Dracula, My Love: The Secret Journals of Mina Harker Page 38

by Syrie James


  When the professor joined me by the fire, I handed him his plate with a smile and said: “Forgive me; but I have already eaten. I was so hungry that I could not wait.”

  I saw that he doubted me; but he only looked away and ate in silence.

  He had purchased several tarpaulins and a quantity of rope, with the intent of fashioning tents for our shelter; but neither of us had any experience in setting up such things. After three failed attempts, we gave up and made two simple beds by piling the fur rugs atop each other, side by side by the fire. Dr. Van Helsing urged me to go to sleep, while he kept watch for wolves or any other danger.

  At the mention of wolves, I grew alarmed. “Please, Professor; do not shoot at any wolves unless you are certain they mean to attack us. They are God’s creatures, too, and we have invaded their country, after all.”

  “I will respect your wishes, Madam Mina, and look on wolves with a kind eye if I can,” said the professor with a smile.

  I stretched out on my makeshift bed, pulling one of the fur rugs over me. The clouds had shifted, revealing the starry heavens in all their glory. We were deep in the wilderness, miles and miles from anywhere, enveloped by a profound sense of quiet. As I listened to the rush of the wind in the trees, the night chirp of the insects, and the distant howling of the wolves, every sound seemed louder and more distinct than I had ever heard it before.

  I was not tired. I missed Jonathan. I wondered how he was and tried to imagine what he was doing at that very moment. I tried to hypnotise myself into falling asleep by counting the stars above, but it did not work. I wondered at this strange, new nocturnal tendency in me. Surely it was nothing to worry about; surely, I told myself, it was just because I had napped part of the day, because my sleeping schedule had become topsy-turvy.

  I saw that Dr. Van Helsing was nodding off, and told him that I would be happy to stand guard in his stead since I was not sleepy. My pronouncement seemed to make him sad; but he acquiesced with grace, lay down on the bed beside me, and fell instantly asleep.

  I sat up on my bed of furs and kept watch far into the night. At length, however, despite my best intentions, I must have fallen asleep…because I had a dream.

  In the dream, I was lying on my rug by the fire, with Dr. Van Helsing slumbering just a foot or two away from me. Only the top of his silvery head was visible above the fur rug in which he was wrapped. As I gazed at his sleeping form, I was overwhelmed by an urge to be closer to him, to run my fingers through that silvery hair, which shimmered so softly in the fire’s glow. Silently, I scooted my body next to his. When I pulled the edge of the fur blanket back to reveal his face, however, to my shock it was not the professor at all: it was Jonathan—a Jonathan who looked decades older, with silvery hair! He looked so dear and peaceful in repose. My heart overflowed with love for him. I felt compelled to kiss him. As I slowly bent my head to him, intending to touch my lips to his stubble-covered cheek, I felt a sudden, gnawing ache in my jaw, along with an insatiable thirst.

  I craved his blood.

  With a roar, I lunged for Jonathan’s throat.

  Mina.

  I awoke with a start to find myself hovering over the sleeping professor, my lips just inches from his throat. I recoiled in horror and mortification. What on earth was I doing? What had prompted such a depraved dream? And why, oh why, had I acted it out in real life? I had never been prone to sleep-walking, as Lucy had. Yet—had I not awakened—I might have actually bitten Dr. Van Helsing!

  What was happening to me? In a panic, I felt my teeth, relieved to discover that they were still their normal size and shape.

  Mina.

  It was Dracula’s voice, breaking into my thoughts. Heart pounding in confusion, I turned away from the professor—only to come face to face with a pair of tall black boots. I looked up, and saw Dracula in the flesh, towering above me.

  I LEAPT TO MY FEET AND THREW MYSELF INTO DRACULA’S ARMS, SO happy to see him, I thought my heart might burst.

  Thank God you are here! I thought.

  “We can speak aloud. He will not waken.” Dracula kissed me soundly, then studied me in the flickering light of the fire. “You look well, if a bit thin. The outdoors seems to agree with you.”

  “I just had the most wicked dream.”

  “I heard.”

  “What kind of animal am I, to have such a dream? I am no better than the three harpies who descended on Jonathan at your castle!”

  He seemed a bit taken aback by that, but said: “I suppose harpies is as good as any other word for my sisters.” He kissed me again, then said: “I have missed you, my darling. To see you from afar, and be unable to take you in my arms—I cannot tell you how many times I have come this close to risking everything, by appearing in front of you.”

  “Did my dream not appall you?”

  “Why should it? It was only a dream.”

  “No. It was a premonition.” I shivered as a dark, foreboding feeling came over me. “You said there would be consequences, Nicolae, and I think you may be right. So was the old gipsy woman we just met. I have tried to deny it; but I believe I am changing.”

  “Changing how?”

  “I am cold so often. Food has become repulsive to me. I have to force myself to eat and drink. Lately I am tired all day long, and I lie awake much of the night.”

  He studied me. “I thought I detected something.”

  “What does it mean? Am I…” I could hardly bring myself to say it: “Am I becoming a vampire? Am I really going to die, and soon?”

  “I surely hope not. But I do not know.” He shook his head, deeply troubled, as he held me to him. “That last night before I left England, if only I had not—”

  Tears started in my eyes. “I wanted you to kiss me, to drink of me,” I said—although I admitted to myself that he had gone too far, taken too much.

  “I should have restrained myself.”

  “Is there not anything we can do?”

  “Sadly, no. I am so very, very sorry. If I have poisoned your blood, there is no antidote. We must wait and see if your body succumbs to it.”

  “Oh! How foolish we have been!” I cried in anguish. “We have been playing a dangerous game—a game with my very life!” I began to weep.

  He drew back to look at me and said softly, “Mina: it does no good to worry. Your fears may never come to pass. But if they do—if you are to be a vampire—it is not the terrible fate that you imagine. Trust me, there are great wonders beyond this life that you know. And whatever happens, my darling, I promise you: I will be with you, every step of the way.”

  I wiped away my tears. “You had better stay close, then. Dr. Van Helsing checks me every day. Should he find any sign that I am irrevocably changing—if it looks as if I am going to die before you do—I am certain that he intends to kill me.”

  “Idiot! This man calls himself your friend?” More calmly, he added: “I would not worry about him either, my darling. In a matter of days, this hunt will be over. You can hide your symptoms for that long if they persist. If your blood has indeed been altered, we should know it by then.” Cradling my face gently, he said in a loving, reassuring tone: “And then you and I can decide what to do, my love.”

  I nodded. As I struggled to calm myself, I suddenly remembered something. “Why have we not come upon your castle yet? By my reckoning, we should have reached it to-day.”

  “I have been delaying your arrival by deliberately sending you in an alternate direction.”

  “I thought so! Why?”

  “I do not want you to encounter my sisters. In my absence, they terrorised the local peasants and murdered several farm-boys. I warned them that you and your Englishmen might be coming, and that if they touched a hair on your heads, I would destroy them with my own hands—but I cannot guarantee your safety, nor can I stay and guard them every minute.”

  I frowned. “The professor is determined to go up to your castle at his first opportunity and slay your three sisters.”

&n
bsp; “I am aware. He is a fool. One man alone, against those three—he does not stand a chance, even if he comes upon them in their daytime trance. We are not like the new-born, Mina. We can awaken at will.”

  “Oh!” I cried, desperately worried.

  “I do not want either of you going up to the castle, under any circumstances.”

  “All right. What of the others? Do you have news of Jonathan?”

  “The boatmen have been delayed by engine trouble. Lord Godalming seems to be an amateur fitter, but it is taking him some time to fix the thing. The horsemen took a wrong turn at one of the river’s tributaries and lost an entire day going in the wrong direction. It is enough to drive one mad. But I am determined not to show my face until all are assembled in one place. Those four must be the ones who dispatch me; and it is imperative that the professor, more than all the rest, be there to witness my apparent death.”

  “Are you certain, wherever this dreadful meeting occurs, that you can escape unharmed?”

  “Yes: as long as it occurs at night—a condition I will take great pains to assure.”

  “And no one will be hurt?”

  “No one will be harmed by my hand, I promise you that.” He paused, then said: “Dawn approaches. I must go while I still can.”

  “Go where?”

  “Back to the river, to see how they are getting on with that steam-launch. I have a lot of ground to cover, so I must take another form. For the next day or two I will not be able to share my thoughts.”

  “How will I know which direction to go?”

  “The horses will know. I have spoken with them. They will keep you in the vicinity, but out of sight of the castle.”

  “When will I see you again?”

  He smiled and kissed me. “When they think I am dead.”

  WHEN DR. VAN HELSING AWOKE, I FORCED MYSELF TO EAT BREAKFAST to keep up appearances. It made me so nauseous that it was all I could do to hold down the food. We packed up our belongings and travelled on, following a rough road all day. I was extremely tired and slept all the way, leaving the driving to the professor, secure in the knowledge that the horses knew the route. Just before sunset, however, I was awakened by Dr. Van Helsing’s exultant cry:

  “There it is!”

  I opened my eyes to find us on a roadway at the crest of a hill. The sky was grey and cloudy, feebly lit by the descending sun, and a cold wind promised the advent of snow. Immediately before us were green and gold undulating hills and valleys, interrupted only by the narrow white ribbon of road, which criss-crossed it here and there. In the far distance, the silvery thread of a river wound among deep gorges, between great, jagged, green mountains, which rose sharply to meet the sky. My heart leapt in surprise, however, at the sight just a few miles beyond us: for in the very centre of this heavily forested landscape rose a very steep hill; and perched majestically on a rocky crag at its summit was an old castle of very dramatic appearance.

  “All day, the horses keep trying to head down a different path,” said the professor, “which would have taken us far out of the way. It take all my strength to get them to follow my lead. And I am right! For as sure as I am born, that is Dracula’s castle, just as your Jonathan describe in his diary.”

  I stared at the castle in wonder and alarm—aware that Dracula did not want us there—but thrilled to see it with my own eyes. Even from that distance, and in the dim light of late afternoon, the edifice was far larger and more magnificent than I had expected. It was ancient and many storeys high, built of pale grey stone with a smattering of red brick, and outfitted with countless small windows and a multitude of red-roofed, turreted towers in varying sizes, shapes, and heights.

  Other than the castle on its precipice, the scene was unmarked by any other sign of habitation. I knew from Jonathan’s diary that the few scattered farms in the region were many miles distant, and that the closest hamlet was a day’s ride away.

  “The castle is so close, we can reach it now on foot, if we wish,” the professor said.

  “We had best not go up there, Professor,” I replied quickly. “It is too dangerous.”

  “We shall see.”

  We made camp again on the hill-side in view of the castle. There was something wild and uncanny about the place. I could hear the distant howling of wolves, which set my nerves on edge. Darkness soon fell: a pure, black darkness, for the heavy clouds now blanketed the stars. The wind blew harsh and cold, and despite my warm wool cloak, I shivered as I sat on our fur rugs by the fire, unable to get warm. Try as I might, I could not get myself to eat more than a few bites of dinner.

  “Where do you suppose the others are?” I said, by way of making conversation.

  “It is hard to say. But one thing we know for certain. They have not yet found and killed Count Dracula true dead, for if they had, your soul would be free—your appetite would return—and your scar would be gone.”

  A sudden scream from the horses broke the stillness. I glanced over at them, alarmed. They were whinnying and tearing at their tethers, as if possessed by some unknown terror. I stared into the darkness apprehensively, but I could see nothing. Then the professor did a strange thing. He rose and, with a long stick, he drew a line in the ground all around me. Over this dirt ring he dropped pieces of crumbled holy wafer, until they encircled me entirely.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “I fear—I fear,” was his only reply. He then moved several feet away and said, “Will you not come closer to the fire, and get warm?”

  I rose obediently, intending to take a step in his direction; but as I stared at the Host on the ground, it seemed as if some invisible force was holding me back, filling me with dread. I was terrified that if I crossed that holy barrier, my entire body would burst into flame. “I cannot do it,” I whispered in anguish.

  “Good,” he replied softly.

  “How can it be good?” I cried. “I am afraid to pass; afraid for my life!”

  “What you cannot pass, dear Madam Mina, neither can any of those we dread.”

  I understood his meaning, and—with a horrified gasp—I sank down to the ground. A great heat of sorrow rose within my chest, and tears spilled from my eyes. My darkest fears had come true! I could not hide the truth from him—or myself—any longer.

  “Oh Professor! Am I really becoming a vampire?”

  “I regret, but it is so, Madam Mina.” His eyes filled with compassion, he came to sit with me on the rug within my protective circle.

  I sobbed as if my heart would break. What a bitter, bitter pill to swallow! If only I could go back in time, I thought: to Dracula’s last night in England, to that moment when he held me in his embrace, and passion was overtaking us both. It was clearly that last bite which had proven fatal. Oh! What I would not give to have my life back; to be allowed to live a normal span, without the fear of rising in Un-Death! That, however, could never be. At some point, perhaps quite soon, I would be obliged to say good-bye to Jonathan for ever. I would never have the children that I yearned for—the children I would have so deeply loved and cherished.

  “How long do I have, Professor?” I whispered brokenly. “A year? A month? A week? When will the final change happen?”

  “It will not happen, Madam Mina! This I swear to you. It is why we are here. I will slay this foul Dracula true dead and free your soul, if it cost me my life to do it!”

  These words, which I knew Dr. Van Helsing intended to comfort me, only served to compound my sorrow. I did not wish any harm to come to Dracula. There was no acceptable solution to the terrible dilemma in which I found myself; only this one dreadful, inescapable conclusion: I was going to die, and I had no one to blame but myself.

  I wept openly for some time. At length, I dried my eyes and sat in miserable silence. The horses were still restless; and as the professor and I were both too anxious and upset to sleep, we kept a grim watch together. The night wore on, dark and very cold, the silence broken only by the infrequent, distant howling of
wolves. Presently, a light snow began to fall. The professor got up and returned with several thick wooden sticks, the ends of which he began sharpening with his knife. The sight of those wooden stakes filled me with dread, for I knew their deadly purpose. He had killed the Un-Dead Lucy with a similar implement, before severing her head with a blade. With a surge of fear, I wondered: would he one day be compelled to use one of those stakes on me?

  “Do you intend those for the women at the castle?” I enquired, as I shivered beneath my fur rug.

  “Yes.”

  “Please do not go up there, Professor,” I implored earnestly. “You may have found it a simple matter to slay Lucy while she lay asleep in her tomb, but there is no guarantee that those predators will be asleep. Even if they are, they are age-old vampires who might easily awaken.”

  “How do you know this?”

  “I…cannot say. I just do. You cannot succeed against three vampires.”

  “I must try. I must slay the vile women who inhabit there.”

  “You must not! Would you leave me here on my own, completely defenceless? If something happened to you, how would I get home? No! Promise me you will not do this thing.”

  The professor frowned and looked at me. “For all the world, I would not wish you harm, Madam Mina, but I have not come all this way not to finish the deed. Perhaps we can wait until—”

  Suddenly the horses began to scream anew. At the same time, there came a change in the lightly falling snow and mist before us. It began to circle round like a great wheel, and in its white depths, about ten yards away, I caught a shadowy glimpse of three beautiful women.

  “Mijn God,” the professor said under his breath, staring in amazement.

  The sight, I think, did not astonish me quite as much as it did him, for I had seen Dracula appear in a similar manner many times before. The wheeling figures of mist and snow came closer, keeping ever without the holy circle. At last they materialised before us into three beautiful, voluptuous young women, dressed in clothing from a bygone century, with bright, hard eyes, white teeth, and ruby-red lips.

 

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