We managed to finish our project all in one day. I wished that we hadn’t, so that I would have an excuse to see him again. A part of me also longed to see Alex again—partly because of Jasper’s strange warning against it. It was interesting to be around someone who radiated rebellion and confidence so strongly. It was everything I was supposed to loathe.
I had never experienced the feeling of being drawn to the wrong people, the people who were destined to cause all kinds of trouble. I’d been cautioned about rebels by countless authority figures, yet it was somehow easy to dismiss their warnings once I was actually feeling this pull. I felt drawn to Jasper in an unexplainable way—a way that demanded to be acted upon.
I was trying my best to concentrate on my math homework, but I was distracted by everything. I groaned and laid my head down on my notebook, unable to continue.
I heard the faint ringing of the phone from the other side of the house, and I willed it to be Jenna, calling to rescue me from my hellish calculus worksheet.
When I heard footsteps getting closer to my room, my mood instantly lifted.
Father pushed open my door, holding the phone with a peculiar expression on his face. I smiled and reached for it, my excitement causing Father to look at me rather suspiciously. Was he wondering about the status of my homework? He obviously wasn’t too worried if he was giving me the phone; Jenna and I were known for our marathon phone conversations.
I held the phone to my ear and waited for Father to go. He looked reluctant to leave. I lay back on my bed and held the phone to my ear.
“Hello?” I expected to hear the usual loudness of Jenna’s many siblings in the background, but the other line was eerily silent.
“Hey Luna.” I shot up into a sitting position. My heart sped up to a frightening pace, and I had the honest fear that it was going to explode in my chest.
“Jasper,” I breathed. I was at a loss for words. Calling me was at the bottom of my list of things I expected from him. We had finished our project, so why had he called?
I heard him chuckle to himself on the other end. “You seem surprised. You don’t have a line of suitors keeping you up at night with their constant phone calls?” Since he couldn’t see my eyes roll through the phone, I tried my best to send it telepathically. Who used the word suitors anymore?
“Sorry. They usually call in the afternoon.”
“Oh really?” Jasper asked, clearly amused. A long moment of silence followed. “What are you doing right now?”
I laughed. I was unaccustomed to talking with anyone other than Jenna on the phone.
“Procrastinating, as usual.”
“What class?” Jasper seemed at ease, like calling someone he barely knew was completely normal for him.
“Calculus.” Then, to my astonishment, Jasper began to hum. I strained to hear the quiet but distinct melody. It was beautiful, soft and sweet.
Jasper suddenly became quiet. “Oh, sorry. I forgot that music was a touchy subject for, um, the people here.” Music, like any other potential form of spontaneity, was only permitted through appointed musicians whose work had to be approved by the Council. “Doesn’t it bother you that you aren’t allowed to be creative?” Jasper asked like questioning the foundation of my values was the same as asking about my favorite color.
I opened my mouth to say something like: “No, creativity leads to rebellion, and rebellion will leave you no better than those from the Outside. If everyone were allowed to be creative through writing, music, film and art, then chaos would ensue. Oportet would fall just like the government of our past nation,” Instead, I just shook my head. Those words were not mine. They were etched into my brain in a way I had never given much thought to. It was a page in a textbook. It was the voice of my teachers and parents.
“Yes. I hate it.” I blurted the words before I could stop myself. They became an engorged river whose dam had just collapsed. I could not control them as they rushed out, a frightening jumble of thoughts that had always been suppressed. “I hate that I can’t write stories that aren’t true, or write about how I really feel. And I don’t just hate that I can’t write how I feel, I hate how I can’t even say or think how I feel!
“I hate that I am told to believe that our founders were somehow the most intelligent people ever to have lived—that somehow they were able to receive the truth of how we should live our lives, and then offer no explanation to how they could possibly know that what they say is the actual truth.” I paused to take a breath, too caught up in my ranting to realize the magnitude of what I was saying to this near-stranger.
The words I had just uttered slammed me hard in the chest. That was not how I was supposed to think. That was not how I was supposed to act.
“Wow,” was all Jasper said. “That was unexpected.”
“I’m so sorry. That was uncalled for…I can’t believe I just said any of that. Please don’t tell anyone.” My body was shaking. I had never expressed anything of that nature to anyone—not even Jenna. I just felt like I could with him.
“It’s fine, seriously. Of course I won’t tell anyone…besides, who would I tell? It’s not like the kind people of Oportet are jumping to be friends with the new kid from the Outside.”
I let out a breath of relief as he rushed to reassure me. “Thanks,” I said softly, feeling vulnerable and embarrassed for my outburst. I didn’t even know if I meant any of that.
“I actually like you a lot more now.”
I bit my lip, ashamed of everything I had just said despite Jasper’s compliment.
“I have no idea why I called you. Sometimes I just do things without really knowing why. I’ve learned that generally, I have good instincts.”
“And what are your instincts telling you now?” I held my breath waiting for him to reply.
“I’m going to wait and see if they’re correct before I tell you.”
There was that infuriating humor I had come to know. “What was that song you were humming earlier?” I could barely remember what it sounded like, I just knew that is was the most delicate and lovely song I had ever heard.
“Oh, um, I think it was Clair De Lune by Debussy. My mom loves classical music, we were playing it earlier…”
I couldn’t believe he had just admitted to me that he snuck illegal materials into Oportet. How could someone trust so blindly? The whole conversation we were having seemed surreal.
“Yeah, let’s keep that a secret too, okay?” Jasper laughed, like he had just admitted to eating the last piece of cake.
“Sure.” I was beginning to feel a strange sort of happy, like I was free to say anything I wanted, without any guilt or repercussions. I felt strangely comfortable.
“Clair De Lune is French for moonlight. You know what Luna means, right?” Jasper asked.
I thought back to any conversations with my parents about my unusual name. Then I remembered Aunt May telling me that she had chosen the name, but she had never specified why, or what Luna meant.
“No.”
“Huh,” Jasper said. “Well, Luna means moon. In ancient Rome, it was the name given to the Goddess personifying the moon. I can’t believe your parents—from what I’ve heard, they’re quite extreme—would allow that kind of name to be given to their child. It’s very different. I’ve found that people don’t like different around here.”
That was startlingly accurate, especially the part about my parents.
“How did you know what my name meant without even looking it up? Do you just store random, irrelevant facts in your head?”
Jasper laughed. His laugh was the kind of laugh that was contagious; you just couldn’t help but feel happy, too.
“Don’t worry, my knowledge doesn’t extend to practical affairs, so I wouldn’t be able to help you with that calculus homework. I just read a lot of books.”
I wondered if he had a stash of illegal books in addition to the music.
“Well, I used to read anyway. The books here are way too boring for me.”
&nbs
p; I let my curiosity get the best of me. “Do you have books from the Outside?”
Jasper paused, speaking slowly when he decided to trust me with more information. “Yeah, we do. We just brought the necessities.” He laughed quietly to himself, like I’d missed out on a private joke.
“Why are you telling me this?”
He was silent for a moment, like he was wondering the same thing. “I trust you.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. The entire phone conversation seemed like an odd dream. “So let me get this straight. You decided to call this girl on a whim who you had only spent time with once for a school project, and then spill your family’s secrets, even though it could land your entire family back behind Oportet’s walls.” It defied logic. “I don’t understand.”
Not to mention, Jasper had already admitted to knowing my family’s conservative Oportet values. He must have also heard about how much my family hated Outsiders…
“You’re right; I’m crazy.” That was a step in the right direction. “How about we change the number of times we’ve hung out outside of school? I could show you all of the terribly wrong things we brought from the evil Outside, if you wanted.” Now we were back to being insane. “Oh, and if we are pinning the tail on the crazy here, let us not forget a certain someone screaming all kinds of terrible things about her self-proclaimed Utopia.”
That was true, but the sting still made me want to hit him through the phone. I felt my cheeks growing hot as I thought about my embarrassing outburst.
“Please promise to forget about that. That’s not how I really feel…” I was struggling to find the right explanation for my behavior. Maybe it was how I really felt, but I hated myself for the confession. Who knew how Jasper would hold it over my head?
“The truth doesn’t change just because you want it to. Stop beating yourself up for admitting that you can see through the cracks in this flawed system.”
I was both irritated by and in awe of his words. How did someone so young learn how to speak like that? Or have the confidence to speak like that?
“By the way…you never answered me. Do you want to hang out sometime?”
“I was hoping you were just joking about that,” I said, laughing nervously. I didn’t think I could handle confronting Jasper face-to-face after this—after I had just bashed what I had stood for my entire life.
Instead of being offended, Jasper remained his usual amused self. “I was actually expecting a much worse response than that. What do I have to do to get you to meet me at my house tomorrow?” What? His house? “Some consider me quite charming. I’ve never had to work this hard before.”
I snickered. “Oh I’m sure.”
There was a knock on my door, making my heart skip several beats. What if someone heard Jasper and me talking? What if they heard what I said about Oportet?
“Hold on a second, Jasper,” I said in almost a whisper. I set the phone down on my desk in a hurry.
“Luna?” Mother said as she pushed open the door. “It’s getting late, I think you should get to bed soon.” I nodded. Things had been awkward between us since she struck me last week for cursing. “Your father told me that your science partner called earlier…what was his name, again?”
I thought quickly. Father must have asked for a name when Jasper called, and Jasper must have been smart enough to give just a first name. My parents would have recognized his last name in a heartbeat. They were very involved in Oportet’s government, and new Outsiders were a very big deal to the Council. The Council held new residents in the same shroud of suspicion as residents showing rebellious tendencies, which were considered strictly detrimental to our society’s well being.
Hopefully they hadn’t already singled out Jasper.
“Oh, that was Jasper. He had a question about the project we did Saturday.” I tried to sound disinterested.
“You never told us that your project at the museum was a partnered project.”
I put on my best look of innocence.
“I’m sorry—I didn’t think it mattered. I’ll be sure to let you know in the future.”
Mother pursed her lips. She hesitated a moment, tapping her fingers on my desk. “Your Father and I need to know who you are with at all times, is that understood?” I nodded once more. “Goodnight, Luna.”
“Goodnight.” When she left, I grabbed the phone off my desk and flipped off the light switch. My room instantly became pitch black, and I struggled for a moment to find my way to the bed.
“Are you still there?”
“Yep.”
“I think your insanity has officially rubbed off on me.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I’m going to come over tomorrow. And you can show me all of your music and books—and whatever else you brought from Portland.”
“I knew my charm would eventually win you over. It always does.”
I smiled into the darkness. I was thinking strange and exciting new thoughts—thoughts that I had never allowed myself to dwell on before.
“We can’t tell anyone about this. My parents would rip out my lungs if they found out I was sneaking off to your house.”
Jasper laughed at my choice of fate. “Feuding families and sneaking around—classic Romeo and Juliet scenario.”
“Who are Romeo and Juliet?” I assumed he was referring to something forbidden from Oportet.
“Wow. You kids really are deprived of great literature. It’s considered a classic back in the real world. My grandma had me read it a few years ago. She started ranting about how my mom wasn’t giving me a proper education, and that her English professors made her read all kinds of boring shit to make her more intelligent.
“She was the one who got me into reading. It was better than sitting around waiting for the next big catastrophe to happen. People on the Outside may be free, but your parents aren’t lying when they say it’s dangerous out there.” Jasper was very quiet on the other line, and I could sense something very troubling in his voice.
“Dangerous?” I thought this whole time Jasper had been hinting that the Outside was better than Oportet. “I want you to tell me all about it…when we’re sneaking around and such.” I was grinning, expecting Jasper to laugh. He didn’t.
“I’d rather not.”
Suddenly everything was serious, and I had an indescribable feeling of unease in my stomach. It felt like I had somehow dug up something Jasper needed to keep buried.
“What’s your address?” I asked, quickly changing the subject. I used the small lamp on my bedside table for light as I dug around in my backpack for a pen and paper.
“Do you have something to write it on?” Jasper sounded distant.
I grabbed my calculus notebook and pencil after flipping my lamp back on. “Yeah. I’m ready.”
Chapter Nine
I woke up in a deep depression. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to move, I didn’t want to communicate with anyone, and I didn’t want to continue living my life like everything was okay. Nothing was normal anymore. I just wanted to remember.
I spent five days trying to access more of my memories. I felt like screaming and crying like I did as a child when I didn’t get my way. I spent my time going through the motions, attending whatever event the Council invited me to, and giving more testimonies, speeches and interviews.
Eventually I decided that forcing the memories to surface wasn’t going to work. I just had to be patient and let them come on their own, but patience wasn’t exactly a trait I had been blessed with. It was going to take a lot of work.
~~~~~
“Luna, we’re worried about you,” said a faraway voice. “After you hurt your head, and after all of those counseling sessions—you were happy. You were back to normal: motivated and ambitious. We’ve noticed you seeming… off, lately. It’s concerning.”
Father cleared his throat. “Yes, your mother is right. This was how it started last time. You were fine one minute, then the next yo
u completely ignored everything you had ever been taught. You had no interest in all of the things you used to adore.”
I fought the urge to glare at my clueless parents. They had no idea what it was like to feel completely in the dark. It was one thing to know that everyone was hiding something from me, but I couldn’t even remember my own past. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about. I’ve been involved in all of the things you and the Council recommended, and I have been preparing for my OGS for a while now.” I kept my voice calm and steady as I watched my parents exchange unconvinced looks.
“Are you sure that nothing is on your mind? Anything you need to talk to us about?” Father asked, searching my eyes for evidence that I was hiding something.
“No, really, everything is fine. I’ve just been caught up in my work. Choosing the right job is stressful.” The three of us were sitting at the kitchen table. Megan was at a friend’s house for the night. I had barely touched my soup, and figured that I should probably start gulping it down if I wanted to do a better job at seeming normal.
“And how is that going? Have you narrowed down your choices?”
I had faked a list of occupations that I knew would please them. Planning my future seemed pointless without my past. It was becoming an unhealthy obsession.
“Yes. I want to either hold a position within the government, or become some sort of teacher or school counselor.” My parents seemed satisfied with my answer—much more so than when I blurted out my love for writing. That was a lost cause.
“Those sound like respectable jobs, and I could see you excelling at any one of them. I am excited to see what Councilman Tomlinson has to say when he advises you tomorrow,” Father said.
I almost choked on the soup in my mouth. “How do you know that he’s the one who will be meeting with me?” The head councilman rarely used his time to host an OGS. It was usually one of the newer councilmen, or even an adviser like Father.
My parents must have misread my surprise, because they smiled at each other and then at me like it was the best day of our lives.
“He called us personally. He said that he couldn’t wait to help you advance on your career path. He has some high expectations of you. I hope you can live up to them.” Mother’s grin grew wider. I tried to smile back, but I feared it looked more like a grimace.
Awaken (The Awaken Series Book 1) Page 5