Where am I? I wondered.
I peered around, still lost in the past’s intoxicating abyss. I was in the living room, lying back in a recliner. I was losing the ability to distinguish between the past and present. I was living two different lives, and one was infinitely more appealing: the life that no longer existed.
The past did not matter. My memories were the equivalent of a hopeless daydream. Life was never anything but present. Yet, here I was, clinging to my memories as if they were all that defined me.
“Luna? Are you okay?” Megan asked. Her smile faltered as she watched me.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” I said, clearing my throat when my voice came out raspy and rough.
“Where do you go, Luna?” Megan asked quietly, glancing behind her to make sure we were alone. “And when you go there, what do you see?”
I looked at my sister in shock. How did she know?
I knew that I’d been zoning out a lot lately, fragments of memories coming to me at all times of the day. Almost anything triggered them now: a word, a thought, a voice, and sometimes even my own desires. I wondered how long it would be before someone would figure it out. How many memories would Tomlinson take away the second time? And would he take the pain away with them?
“You’re doing it again.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “Just thinking about the future.”
“I have a different theory.”
My heart sped up. There was no way Megan could know—I’d been too careful.
“And what would that be?”
“You remember,” Megan said, her green eyes big and knowing.
I said nothing. I took a deep breath and nodded, the slight movement only visible if someone was looking for it. Megan smiled.
“I knew it,” Megan squealed.
She quieted herself when I shot her a glare.
“When you really believe in something, I can see it in your eyes. It’s like this silent gesture to coax the other person into believing right along with you. When you talked to me in my room, you didn’t have that look in your eyes. You didn’t believe a word you said. Then I started noticing that same dead look whenever you spoke to Mother about the future, or to Father about Oportet’s perfect rules. And when you weren’t lying to everyone, you were off in some other world. I remembered you asking about your memories a while ago, then never mentioning them again after I shut you down. Then it all made sense. You’ve been remembering things.”
“I think I’m close to the end,” I said, partially to myself.
“Wow. This is crazy,” Megan breathed. “The procedure was supposed to take it all away. For good.”
So the story of me falling down the porch steps was all a lie. It was some kind of medical procedure that robbed me of my past.
“This… procedure… I still don’t understand why Tomlinson did it. Why was I such a threat?”
Megan furrowed her brows, squinting at me like I was talking in gibberish. “What are you talking about? Is that what you think happened?”
Now it was my turn to be confused. Why did Megan feel the need to keep up the charade? Was Tomlinson’s threat really that frightening?
“Girls?” Father’s voice sent us both into an abrupt silence. “Can you two come into the dining room? We have some news about the Expansion Project.”
I was flustered that our conversation was cut short, but the Expansion Project was just interesting enough to hold my anger at bay.
Megan and I made our way to the dining room, surprised to find Mother visibly unnerved. She was leaning against the back of one of chairs, her arms crossed, and she was staring off into the distance.
We sat down, and I watched as Mother masked her emotions, cleared her throat, and straightened up in her chair.
“The expansion has already been taking place, and we didn’t even know it,” she said quietly. “The new outer wall was built in secret, and has been built for over a year. The final step is to simply take down the current wall, which is programmed to quite literally sink down into the ground on command.”
“Then they’ll have to uninstall the current electronic gate and reinstall it into the new wall,” Father added. “After the initial wall is taken down, the first shift of guards and technicians will move in to start the process of reinstalling the gate. There will always be a shift of guards at the entrance to protect us and to continue the completion of this instillation.”
“It will begin this Thursday,” Mother said.
“Wait,” I started. “I thought the whole point of the conference you just went to was to vote on and discuss the possibility of an expansion.”
Mother pursed her lips and shot a glance at Father.
“We do not question the authority of the Council. They know what is best for our society,” he said.
“But that isn’t fair! They went behind our backs,” I protested. I opened my mouth to say more, but I was shot down by a look from Father.
“Luna!” he snapped. “We do not question.”
I swallowed down my words, taking a deep breath.
“I am a part of the Defense Committee to oversee the installation of the gate on the new wall, so I will be working many late nights the next few weeks. Luna, I need you to accept some responsibility during this time by helping out your mother and taking care of Megan,” Father said.
I nodded.
“I’m thirteen years old,” Megan muttered. “I don’t need someone to take care of me.”
“What has gotten in to you two? If you don’t collect yourselves in the next few seconds, there will be consequences,” Mother said, exasperated. “We do not question authority. We do not correct authority. We listen and do what we are told. As soon as we forget these things, tragedy and chaos will present itself.”
Megan opened her mouth, and I rushed to stop her from making a mistake she would come to regret.
“Yes, ma’am,” I said, sending a look toward Megan.
She shut her mouth and trapped her words in. She did not yet understand that nothing she said could ever affect people who were so blindly attached to Oportet’s way of thinking. It was impossible.
“Megan, go get some studying done,” Mother commanded. Megan turned on her heel and walked out of the room.
Mother turned to me. “Something came up. I won’t be able to take you into work with me Monday, but Wednesday just opened up, so you can visit the Occupational Placement Office then.”
“Do you think Tomlinson would be available to meet with me?” I asked. My parents exchanged glances.
“Possibly,” Father said slowly. “For what purpose?”
“My future. I think I was a bit too hasty when I said I wanted to be a teacher. I’m still open to other options,” I lied.
Mother was eating up my words, teeming with excitement at what I was hinting. “I’m sure that can be arranged. You must have at least a handful of favors available from your service to Oportet,” she said.
“I look forward to speaking with him.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
“He’ll be home any minute now,” Lilly assured me. “You seem… stressed.” Was it that obvious? Second trimester’s finals were approaching, and teachers from my advanced classes were handing out essays and projects at a pace I couldn’t keep up with.
“I am.” I sighed, following her into the house.
“I could help you with that, if you wanted.”
“With the stress?” I asked, confused. She nodded. “Um, okay.”
Lilly smiled and led me into a room I had never been in before. It appeared to be a living room of sorts, but it was mostly empty. A potted plant sat next to the curtained windows, and the room itself radiated a relaxing energy. The walls were painted a soothing lavender color, and sunlight streamed through the curtains onto a lightly colored wooden floor. What appeared to be rolled up blankets sat in a corner.
“Grab a mat, dear,” Lilly said, gesturing to the corner. She sat down on the floor on a mat that was already
unrolled. Her long dark hair was kept out of her face by her trademark flowery headband.
I did as I was told and grabbed a mat, setting it down a couple feet to the left of Lilly’s. I had no clue what was going on.
“Ready to de-stress?” Lilly asked.
I mimicked her crossed-legged position. “I think so,” I laughed uncomfortably.
“Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“What exactly is ‘it?’”
“Close your eyes,” she said.
I glanced at her self-consciously, only to find that Lilly already had her eyes shut tight. I closed my eyes and waited.
“Now,” she continued, “focus on taking deep breaths and clear your mind.”
“Impossible,” I muttered.
Lilly ignored me. “When a thought comes into your head, do not attempt to remove it. You need to focus on not creating new thoughts—and accepting the ones that pop up on their own. Do not dwell on them, and they will pass on. If it will help, you can also visualize a kind of filing cabinet within your mind. File away each of your worries into sections: family, school, and so on.”
I took a deep breath. I felt silly, but if Lilly’s peculiar de-stressing method really worked, then it wouldn’t hurt to give it my best shot.
I started with school. I went through all of the assignments and tests I was worried about, and then mentally tucked them away. I then focused on my worries about the future: Jasper and his role in it, my future occupation, and my violent opposition of the Council’s authoritarian rule. I got so caught up in my thoughts about the future that I completely forgot what I was doing.
I decided to move on, having filed away my stressors the best I could. I took in deep breaths, and tried to follow Lilly’s instructions. I let thoughts pass through my mind, trying my best not to dwell on them and create more. It proved to be a difficult task.
Then, it all fell away. My mind was quieter at that moment than it had ever been, and I was determined to stay in that state for as long as I could.
Suddenly all of my worries seemed utterly ridiculous. Worrying about my future was keeping me from fully enjoying my life in the present. This revelation started to expand within me, and I felt like I was truly onto something… then I heard a quiet burst of laughter.
My eyes flew open to see Jasper leaning against the doorframe with a crooked grin on his face.
Lilly and I spoke at the same time, me saying, “shut up, Jasper,” just as Lilly said, “Jasper, go away.”
Jasper somehow found this to make the situation even more amusing, and he laughed all the way into a different room.
“Sorry about my little ass of a son,” Lilly said, trying her hardest to hold back her own laughter.
I glanced over at her, and we both busted out laughing.
“How do you feel?”
“Better.” I glanced at the clock that I noticed before, and looked back at Lilly incredulously. “An entire hour?”
“Crazy, isn’t it?”
I stretched and returned my mat to the corner. “Thank you, Lilly.”
“Next time I’ll kick Jasper out of the house for the whole day.” She winked, smiling warmly at me.
She closed her eyes again, and I shut the door behind me quietly as I left.
“Have a good meditation session?” Jasper struggled to keep a straight face, his infuriating smile leaking through each time his mouth opened.
I picked up a pillow from the couch beside me and chucked it at his head, and he raised an arm to deflect it. I crossed my arms and glared at him.
“You know, hippies are supposed to be non-violent.”
I had no idea what a hippy was, but Jasper used it in a fairly derogatory manner, so I could only assume he was insulting me.
“You really are an ass.”
Jasper grinned and moved toward me, bending down to kiss my forehead. My glare broke, and I cursed myself for letting my lips form a small grin. He had ruined my moment with Lilly; he did not deserve to make me smile.
“I need to show you something,” Jasper said, taking my hand and leading me to the family room.
We sat down at the desk where his laptop sat, and I watched as Jasper slid a CD labeled “Jasper” into the slot. I glanced at his face, trying to read his expression. Was Jasper letting me listen to his music? He refused to meet my eyes as he navigated the computer screen.
“I thought I smashed them all after my dad died,” Jasper said in a flat tone. “She hid one from me.”
“Lilly?” I asked, receiving a nod from Jasper. I had no idea Jasper had tried to destroy his own music. “What made her decide to give it back to you?”
“She didn’t think I’d smash it. Not now.” Jasper finally looked at me. “She thought I might want to show it to you.”
“Do you sing?” I asked. I thought of all the bands Jasper had introduced me to from the Outside. The lyrics were the best part of the songs, words weaving together emotions and thoughts so deeply connected to the artist’s mind. How amazing it would be to take a peek into Jasper’s.
“Sometimes.” He pressed play.
~~~~~
“Luna? Luna, snap out of it!” Mother’s voice jolted me to the present.
I shut my eyes, trying to hold on and listen to the melodic piano playing on Jasper’s laptop.
“Luna!”
“Shut up!” I exploded. My eyes came into focus to see the stunned faces of my mother and sister staring back at me. Megan’s mouth hung open, her fork dropping a glob of spaghetti back onto her plate. A vein in Mother’s neck stuck out, her lips tightened into a straight line. Father was working late tonight, so it was just the three of us.
“Excuse me?” Mother asked.
“This is your fault!” I wanted to scream. “You let him do this to me!” I wanted to throw it in her face and watch her crumble. I wanted to explode, but no words came out. This was all because of Tomlinson and his manipulation, and I was all too done with my family acting like it was okay. They sat back and watched as my own mind was put into the shredder—tearing it apart until there was nothing left.
“I apologize,” I finally mumbled. “I have a migraine.”
Mother just looked at me for a few long seconds before getting up from the table, returning with a fat pain-reliever pill.
I took it from her palm. “Thank you. May I be excused?” The second Mother nodded her consent, I was standing and heading for the stairs.
I clicked the door shut behind me and collapsed on my bed. I stared up at the ceiling, calmly waiting for my memory to return.
It did.
~~~~~
“Beautiful,” I said.
The piano was truly captivating, the melody fading in and out, speeding up and slowing down.
Then Jasper started to sing. His voice was smooth and resonating, the words somehow lost as I paid attention to the haunting melody. I looked over at him beside me, but he was staring out the window.
I focused on the lyrics: “I’m not lost, but I’m not sure where I am. You might see me, darling, but I’m not really there.”
“This is amazing,” I breathed. I smiled softly, trying to get Jasper to meet my eyes. He needed to know that I heard him—he might have been lost before, but he wasn’t now. I could see him; he was really there.
“I sound like a stereotypical angst-y teenager. There’s no substance,” he muttered.
“Jasper. Listen to me,” I begged. “Look at me.” Jasper turned his head, searching my face like it could present him with the answers he needed. “Everyone feels lost, but that doesn’t invalidate anything that you feel.” Jasper remained silent. “This is seriously amazing. You’re so talented.”
The next song began to play, this one faster and more demanding. A bass guitar accompanied the keyboard in an intricate weaving of harmonies.
“This is what I was meant to do, Luna,” Jasper finally said. “Can’t you understand that?”
“Of course I can. I—”
“Then why i
s it so hard for you to understand that I can’t stay here?” Jasper interrupted. “I can’t stay in a place that suppresses who I am.”
I could feel my heart shattering in my chest. It was a terrible, disturbing feeling. My chest felt like it was imploding—a tangible, physical ache. Jasper had to leave, but I needed to stay.
“How would you leave?”
“I’ll ask the Council. They force people out all the time. If I wanted to leave, I don’t see why they would stop me.”
I remembered what May had told me about her friends that had made a similar request. They came back with their minds completely changed. May said it had been “a complete one-eighty.” Whatever the Council had done to intimidate them, I doubted Jasper would be immune to that same power.
“When?” I asked. I was screaming at myself internally: Tell him! Warn him! Selfish, selfish, selfish!
“Come with me,” Jasper pleaded. “I have arranged a meeting with them Friday.”
“What?” I stood up. “Friday? Were you planning on sneaking away? Were you even going to tell me?”
“Of course I was, don’t be ridiculous.”
That was when I decided to commit the most selfish act against Jasper I could think of. I was going to let him fall into the Council’s trap.
“You can tell me how the meeting goes Friday night.”
~~~~~
Aunt May was acting more and more strange as time went on. The mysterious phone calls kept coming, and she was acting awfully sentimental. She kept asking me about the future, about Jasper, and about my journaling. I was in no mood to talk about the previous two topics, but I gladly discussed my newfound love for writing prose.
I told her that I would let her read some of my stories the next time I saw her, and my beautiful aunt started to cry.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. A few fat tears rolled down her face, and I was so surprised that I struggled to know how to comfort her.
“Nothing, dear. I’m just really happy you’re finally discovering who you are.” May smiled, and I laughed nervously.
Awaken (The Awaken Series Book 1) Page 16
