“I was too forward. What I did was wrong. Father will cane me for being so bold.”
“No one is caning you. No one is touching you. I have enough shells to go around.”
After I’m dressed and my hair and face are covered again, he makes me lay down in the shade while he gets rid of the body. I hear the men speaking in low voices about what happened. They think Jude has lost his mind or was possessed by the devil along the way. They think I’m corrupting him. I hear words like exorcism and mutinous tossed around. My sense of hearing is very keen from spending so much time alone in the fields. Jude lays beside me after his chore is complete. I whisper what I overheard even though repeating men’s conversations is a sin. They sound like they are planning something.
“Don’t worry about them. I have a plan of my own. After we get them to Texas, we are ditching their asses. My house has dishwashers and a big screen television. You can watch YouTube and wedding shows.”
“I like seeing the pretty dresses.”
“You will have pretty dresses, Duma. I can find you as many dresses as you want as long as they aren’t black, brown, or gray.”
I laugh aloud. I remember where I am too late. They heard me and they are looking at me with disapproval. I should not be laying down with him this way or laughing aloud. I am ashamed of the way I’ve been behaving. I am ashamed but my husband enjoys it. Like now, the smile on his face is happy because I am happy.
“I love the sound of your laughter. There is nothing wrong with laughing. The bible says there is a time for everything. Even laughter. Don’t let them intimidate you. I can handle them if they push me too far. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? We could be dead. We live by a new set of rules now.”
His face is close to mine. Way too close. He won’t let me move away.
“Judea, they are already accusing me of devilry. Why tempt them more?”
“I want to kiss you. You have the prettiest brown eyes.” He ignores me. “I’ve always been fond of your brown eyes.”
I smile and I feel flush but I don’t look away. Not this time. Not immediately.
“Titus says brown eyes are boring.”
“Girls with brown eyes are smarter and deep thinkers.”
“Titus says—”
“Titus’ mother is inbred, Duma. Don’t listen to him.”
I laugh again. I cover my mouth with my hand too late. The men are frowning again.
“Try to close your eyes for a few minutes. We aren’t stopping again before sundown.”
I am tired. He keeps me up late every night. I don’t mind. I enjoy what he does to me in bed. And in the woods. And in the bathroom. And wherever else suits him. I close my eyes wishing he could hold me until I fall asleep the way he does when we are alone. Being with him is good enough. I am in his arms when I wake up. My face is in his chest and one of his legs is thrown over me. He’s sleeping. I don’t want to disturb him but this is unacceptable. I lay here and pretend to be sleep in case the men are watching us. They will make me cook or clean or cane me until I am dead for my ungodly ways. I never in a million years imagined one day it would be me in his arms. Now that I am here, I could lay here forever. Judea Hamilton married me. He bedded me and gave me his seed. I could be carrying his child right now.
“If we were alone, I would raise this dress and kiss you all over.”
Judea isn’t sleep. He isn’t sleep at all. The faker is rock hard. I wouldn’t dare respond to him after what he just said to me. So, I lay here smiling into his shirt. We lay here for a little longer before letting go. He has to be hungry. I know I am. I put on some coffee and drop a handful of dehydrated vegetables and venison into a pot. It won’t be great but it will fill our bellies. Jude walks me into the trees to relieve myself despite the looks the men give him. He doesn’t have to walk me everywhere.
“You are my wife Duma and I had no say before. I have the say now. I don’t care how it looks. I promised to get you home and I will.”
I believe him. He will get us home. I let my little pot bubble until tender before filling three cups. I hand one to Father and one to Jude who are both standing over the map discussing the next route. I sip my stew in silence wishing they would let me hold the map.
“We stick to the woods and the hills the way we have been. We’ll take a chance and swing south around the gulf. Maybe we’ll find someone with a barge who can take us the rest of the way by water.”
“It will cut our ride through the desert by two-thirds.” Father muses.
“It will shave weeks from this bullshit mission.” Jude is very smart.
“If it was your wife you would do the same.”
“I would never let Duma take our children anywhere without me. No way would I let her go all the way to Texas. I don’t care if God himself asked her to come.”
“My wife’s mother needed her.”
“Her mother should carry her home.”
“I paid a high price for Caroline. Her Father didn’t want to give her to me but the church forced his hand after my generous pledge. I try to get along with the old man for her sake.”
“He’ll never like you. Not after you forced him. What if you get there and she’s dead?”
“Caroline isn’t dead and don’t say it again. I would know it if she was dead. She knows I’m coming. Hannah will be overjoyed to see you with us. The Saints will be happy to see you. I can’t wait to see their faces.”
“Hannah is the least of my concerns, Shadrach. I spoke with Duma about her and she only agrees to me marrying her sister because she is worried about what you will do to her mother. Neither of us wants her. You are forcing her on us. She is not the wife of my heart and she never will be. The same way Duma’s mother can never be yours. Hannah is very beautiful and she’ll have her choice of men who will take her as a first wife.”
“You inherited our church when your father died whether you want it or not. My daughter will marry the Hamilton.”
“I’ll speak to her when we get to Texas. Hopefully, she will understand.”
“Speak to her all you want. You’re still marrying her.”
“If she’s been with another man, I won’t have her anyway. I don’t care if she was drugged up and chained to a bed. It’s my right to expect a virgin.”
“It’s every man’s right. Let’s get to Texas before you start calling my daughter a whore.”
This is when he comes over and lifts me up into my saddle. My dress rides up revealing a goodly amount of my boots. He assures me that it’s fine. There is one thing traveling this way showed me, and that’s how beautiful the earth is. We ride past natural gas wells and oil wells out in the middle of nowhere and I see how ugly people are. Why are you doing this to the earth? When Jude explains the drilling process to me, it hurts my feelings. It’s rape. It’s forcible entry. We have everything we need right here on the surface. I will never get used to the wells or the dead bodies no matter how many we pass every day. Some are dried up like mummies. Some are bloated when they wash up on the shores of rivers or lakes. They all stink like death. Once in a while, we pass people starving to death and begging for food and water. Most are beyond recovery. We press pass them all with guns in hand and masks in place.
Alabama is quiet as far as the populous goes. It is mostly abandoned farm land. This is the cotton belt. This land used to be cotton fields as far as the eye can see. Now, it is a scattering of fallen cities and abandoned towns. We ride more than we sleep, eat, or speak to each other. I’m hot and sick and too afraid to tell anyone. I don’t want to slow us down. It gets worse in Louisiana when the humidity turns up on high. We stop riding because it’s been raining for hours and Father’s joints are swollen. I stagger to the edge of the lake not caring if the water is clean or not. I vomit into the tall grass before splashing my face and drinking greedily of the cool water. I lay down in the soft green and wait for it to pass. It always passes.
“Dumani, what is it? Are you ill?” Judea asks with concern. He k
neels beside me. “You can’t lay here. There are snakes and alligators.”
“I’ll be fine in a few minutes.”
“How long have you been feeling this way? You don’t have a fever. Thank God.”
“It’s the heat. It’s getting to me.” I can’t look him in the eyes.
“It never got to you before. Have you been eating enough? You don’t look well.”
“I don’t want you to be mad at me.”
“Why would I be mad at you?” His eyes go from kind to fearful. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to do. There are plants that I can drink in tea every day that will—”
“Duma, why didn’t you tell me about the baby? What are you talking about tea? You aren’t drinking poison to kill our child. This isn’t your fault and it’s nothing to apologize for. We’ll take it easy from now on and stop so you can rest more. I didn’t want it to happen but it did and we’ll figure it out, okay?”
“You aren’t mad at me?”
“I love you.” He says fondly. “I’ll speak to your father. We’re stopping for the rest of the day.”
“I don’t want to hold everyone up, Judea. We are getting so close.”
“I don’t want you to lose our child. We’ll get there soon enough. When did you bleed last?”
“Judea.” I protest. He shouldn’t ask me questions like that. It is more than improper; it’s one of the things that we do not mention.
“This is no time to act shy. I know where babies come from and I put that one inside of you. When was your last period?”
“A while.” I say head down. It has been two months.
“Jesus.” He pushes his hand through his hair. “You can’t keep these things from me. Do you understand me?”
“Yes.” I wipe away the tear that escapes my eyes.
“Hey, don’t cry. I’m not upset or angry with you. How could I ever be upset with you? I made you pregnant. I tried to pull out of you before I came. I couldn’t do it every time.”
I don’t think I will ever get used to him speaking to me so freely. I will never not blush when he mentions being inside me or pulling out of me. I will never not be affected when he mentions spilling his seed inside me. Or, coming as he likes to call it. The women in the church called it seed. I shouldn’t be thinking of such things. Not even with his child growing inside me. His hand covers the roll on my belly. It makes me think of the pretty photos pregnant women take with their husbands. Those women make pregnancy look beautiful with their pretty, made-up, faces and shiny hair. They laughed and smiled at the camera with their smooth, round, bellies proudly on display for the world to see. My belly will never look like that. I will not be one of those pretty pregnant women. Somewhere underneath the skin and tissue is a beating heart that isn’t mine. A heart that I will die for. Our child.
“This baby is another reason to smile.”
“I love you.” I say quietly. I’m still not used to saying it aloud but I will, for him.
“Look at me when you tell me you love me. Do you love me or your boots?”
I blush again looking up at him. He isn’t eating or sleeping enough either. It’s taking a toll on him. His face is thinner and more defined. The dark hallows of his eyes only make the irises blacker and more sparkly. His handsomeness has taken a dark turn toward beautiful.
“I love you.” I assure him. I hate these old boots. I have been wearing them since Titus grew out of them four years ago.
“Come on, let’s get you back. I want you to lie down in the shade. I should’ve brought a tent for you. I don’t know what I was thinking. You need shelter.”
Once we are back in the circle of our temporary camp, Jude sits me on my sleeping bag and walks over to Father. He pulls him aside and he gives him the news. I am holding my breath because I know he will be upset. I am coming between him and Caroline. Father whoops with glee slapping himself on the thigh with his old hat. He slaps Jude on the shoulder before hugging him in congratulations. They walk over to me and Father gets down on one knee.
“Jude told me about the baby. You take it easy, girl. Do you hear me?”
“Yes, father.”
“No running and jumping or riding day and night anymore. Make sure you eat enough and drink plenty of water. This is my first grandchild. Hopefully there will be one every year.”
“There won’t be one every year. I can promise you that. Having babies close together like that ages a woman.”
“What do you know about women, boy? Nothing yet. Diddling my daughter don’t make you a doctor.”
I blush all over. I stand up and walk away so that they can speak alone.
“Get back here, Duma.” They say in unison. My feet freeze.
“I don’t want you walking off alone anymore. Stay close to your husband.”
“You are embarrassing her, Shadrach.”
“This baby is a new start for us. This baby is our miracle baby. This is a sign from God that there will be life after this scourge has left the earth. Caroline is young enough to give me more children and I hope to take two more wives in Texas. My house will be full again.”
“How will your wife at home feel if you bring home two younger women?”
“You sound more like a Christian man and less like a Saint, Judea Hamilton. The bible tells us to be fruitful and multiply. The church tells us to take as many wives as we can care for. Who are we to go against the law?”
“God wants me to send you on your way and take Duma back to Tennessee and wait for Titus to heal. You have a month of travel left. We can be home before the baby comes.”
“She needs to see a doctor. There are doctors in Texas and soft beds. It will be safer if we stay together. If you do this for me, I’ll keep Hannah and find her a new husband.”
“You have yourself a deal.”
“Someone’s coming.” I say drawing my pistols.
Chapter Fifteen
“Stop where you are or we will shoot!”
“Don’t shoot! We are military!”
“That isn’t a reason not to shoot. What do you want?”
“We need healthy volunteers to join up and help regain order. We’re Army scouts.”
“No one here wants to be a soldier. We’re liberals.” Jude yells into the woods.
“You’re a funny guy. We are walking in with our hands raised.”
“Stop there or we will open fire.”
Jude takes my gas mask from my pack pulling it over my head before donning his own. The others do the same.
“We are peace keepers. Don’t shoot.”
I watch five sets of military boots walk into our circle. I feel like throwing up again. What if they put us into camps? What if they take me? I’m tempted to run.
“It doesn’t mean I won’t shoot you. What do you want?” Jude demands.
“You aren’t very friendly, are you? I told you, we’re scouts and peace keepers. Where are you people from?”
“America. What is it to you?”
“Look, we are representatives of the U.S government. We ask the questions and he asked where you folks are headed?”
“I am representative of this group and I’m not telling you a damn thing. How do we know you aren’t lying? Your tin badge means shit to me.”
Jude and the bigger man are standing toe to toe and he isn’t backing down. He will never back down. He pumps his shotgun.
“Your group is armed and prepared. We need people like you. There is a compound in Florida where heathy survivors are trying to start over. There is a need for healthy young people. Especially women.”
“Our women are spoken for.”
“Men are offering land for women to carry their children for nine months. It’s something to think about.”
They’re looking around our camp. The family with the two females huddles closer together. I imagine pretty, white women are in high demand. The family doesn’t have gas masks, only the bandannas Jude gave
them. We have spares but they are for us. This trip was planned so we all return home.
“Are any of your women entertaining men? We have batteries and cigarettes for trade.”
“It’s time for you soldiers to push on. There is nothing else to discuss.”
“No offense, young man. These are different times. What about the black girl? We’ll take her if she’s willing.”
“She isn’t willing but I’m willing to shoot you.”
“We can arrest you and confiscate your guns and horses for the government if we had a mind to. The enemy is out there searching for travelers like you. They will kill the men and take your women.”
“Do you think they haven’t tried? They all died and so will any vandals or peace keepers who try again.”
“Go to Florida. It’s the safest place. Mexico has taken Texas and every state along the border. It won’t be long before they make a play for California. The tribes are unifying and taking back the plains. The blacks are migrating out there and joining up with them. They are killing anyone who resists. We need troops who are willing to fight for our country. We need families to make our communities work again.”
“We have our own community and we don’t recognize your government. You heard my son, move on.”
Our men are better armed than theirs. They walk away into the woods and we break camp. The woman and her daughter are crying as they gather their belongings.
“Shut them up. They are going to have every crazy within hearing distance coming after us. If they can’t be quiet, they can’t come with us.”
“They are tired and afraid. Why don’t we go to Florida with the soldiers? He said people are starting over. Maybe they can help you find your wife.”
“My wife isn’t lost and neither are we. How do we know they aren’t leading people into a trap? You are welcome to go, but we are pressing on.”
“He said Indians are killing people and Mexicans are running wild in the south. The niggers and hippies are surely fighting with them. The Army needs our help. Your girl can shoot better than any man. They can use her too.”
The Doomsday Papers Page 15
