“He’s probably a scout.”
“I practically tied her up and handed her to him myself.”
“She left with him willingly. She told me goodbye.”
“I don’t give a shit what she said. Dumani is mine. She has always been mine. I will find her and she will come home with me.”
“Here, take the bullet.”
Jude accepts the keys to the Corvette Titus found somewhere and climbs behind the wheel. He guns the engine and turns on the stereo. Titus was listening to Biggie Smalls. He turns it up and drives south. He stops everyone he passes, even military. He stops every scout, killer, and thief in between. No one has seen anything.
“I saw a man in uniform with a woman that talked funny. He bartered for supplies and she had her face all covered up like. They walked into the desert right there across the road.”
“How long ago?”
“A day.”
Jude will not let his pleasure show. He’s on top of them now. He is close enough to smell her. The old man takes the car as trade for more supplies. Supplies he wipes down with bleach before he packs it. Who knew how long he would be out there in the heat? He doesn’t raise his mask around people. It’s rude but it has kept him alive so far. He heads in the direction the old man pointed him in. He walks ten miles before he begins to wonder if the old man might be sending him in the wrong direction on purpose. Until he stumbles upon their day-old camp. There were two people here and they slept on opposite sides of the fire. She was here. He knew it. The fire is cold but the ash is fresh. Jude jogs despite the heat and the weight of his shotgun. He isn’t far behind them. He will be with her before another day is out.
“Why did you come with me?”
“Because I don’t know anyone else.”
“Not because you want to be with me?”
“No.”
“Do you like me?”
“Yes.”
“It’s a start. Will you let me kiss you again?”
“I don’t know.”
“There is no rush, Duma. We have time.”
I watch him walk away with the small group of men going out hunting. I don’t want to hunt and he won’t let me anyway. I like the traitor but he is not who my heart pines for. He is not who I am thinking about when I wake up hot and panting from a sinful dream. He is not who I cry myself to sleep over. I stay to myself. I don’t speak to anyone or look at strange men or let the traitor have me. That night, I lay on the ground and I think about the way it was before we found Caroline. Jude and me were together. All he wanted was me. A man kneels beside me and touches my cheek. I look up into his gas mask. The mask raises and he looks at me with his sharp, black, eyes.
“It’s time to go home.”
Judea doesn’t wait for my answer. He lifts me to my feet and leads me out of the camp. I don’t resist. I go with him willingly. I don’t speak and he doesn’t stop until we are miles away and he’s setting us up for the night. I stand off to the side with my arms wrapped around myself. Why is he here? He pitches a small tent and skips the fire. I flinch when his hands finally reach for me. Judea frowns. It hurt him when I shied away from his touch.
“I’m not going to hit you. Come here.”
“I am in disfavor with you.” I say to the ground. “And you are in disfavor with me.”
“Yes, you are in disfavor. I am pissed off, Dumani. You left me. You left our baby. You ran off with another man.”
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know. He wasn’t there when I searched for him. I am more concerned with you and your interest in him.”
“He’s helping me start a new life.”
“You have a life. You have a husband and a son and—”
“Two wives to help around the house and sleep with you when I am bleeding or too old?”
“You were gone for a long time and I got weak.”
I turn away from him and I walk away. He grabs me from behind. I fight him. I would never raise my hand to Jude but this is different.
“You are not leaving me. We are married until death do us part. I missed you and I wanted to make love to you but you weren’t there. I missed you so fucking much, Dumani. I took my pleasure in them while you were gone. You are the one I wanted.”
“This is all for nothing. I can’t go back with you. I left the church. You shouldn’t be here.”
“No, you shouldn’t be here. You should be home with me.”
“I saw you in bed with those women. You don’t need me.”
“You’ve seen me with girls before. It means nothing.”
“Those girls weren’t your wives and I didn’t have to live with them.”
“You don’t sound like a Godly woman right now.”
“That’s why I left the church. I don’t want to bring my bad energy into your new family.”
“You are my family. You are everything.”
“Leave me here. Go home, Judea.”
He removes his gloves and jacket. He sits down to remove his boots.
“Get undressed.”
“Judea.” I warn him.
“I said, take it off.”
Chapter Twenty-four
Jude grabs the front of my dress and rips it open. I gasp and we eye each other down. I throw myself at him the way I have wanted to for months. He kisses me so hard my lips hurt for more. I wrap my arms and legs around him like I will never let go again.
“Dumani. Oh, Dumani. I’ve missed you so much.” He moans ducking into the tent with me clinging to him. I hold onto his hair as he tears off the rest of my clothing. Judea kisses me all over. He suckles my aching breasts and gives me some relief.
“Serves you right. You should be home nursing our child.”
He fills me with one hard thrust. My walls contract around him.
“I will never let you out of my sight again.”
“I missed you, Judea. All I thought about was you.”
“You are mine, Duma. Mine.” He groans as he pulls his dick from my body and comes on my stomach. I continue to move underneath him. More. I need more. He hardens again and rides me until I come crying his name. Jude doesn’t stop. He can’t get enough of me. I can’t get enough of him. Every time I fall asleep, he is ready to go again.
“I love you so much. Don’t ever leave me again.”
I am laying on top of him with his arms wrapped around me and my lips pressed against his thumping heart. He’s finally letting me fall asleep. It’s the heat that wakes me the next day. I blush when I see my clothes scattered around the tiny space. I grab them and begin to dress. There is no wash water in these parts. Jude is sitting outside of the tent with his back against a boulder. His hat is pulled low over his eyes like he’s sleeping. I know him better than that. He reaches out his hand to me. I was going to him anyway. I curl up in his lap and he holds me like I might disappear again.
“You always have a place with me, Dumani. Your place is by my side, forever. This is your place, right here.”
“What happens when they want to sit here?”
“You will be here. There is no room.” He says toying with my plaits. I smile.
“I want to go home.”
I want my baby. I love him. My milk lets down every time I think about him. I left him for his own good. The road is no place for a baby. I left and Jude came for me. I don’t want to go to Panama anymore. I want this. I want what we have. He is still as perfect as he’s always been. His arms feel just as safe. Nothing can touch me when I am here.
“We are leaving when the sun goes down. I want to go home too.”
“I’ve prayed on my jealousy and my willfulness. I have prayed on my—”
He kisses me. Our breath is stale and I don’t care.
“You are fine. I spoiled you to church ways long ago. I don’t want you to change. You were unhappy and you left me. I want you to be happy. I will do whatever I need to do to fix this. You are not in disfavor, I lied.”
His fingers toy with the tear h
e sewed up while I was sleeping.
“I saw your traitor last night, Duma.”
He is undressing me as he says this. I don’t respond. The handsome traitor is in my past. His affection for me will remain in his memory.
“He is not my traitor.” I blush.
“I didn’t kill him. He still lives to tempt another man’s wife.”
“You didn’t kill him?”
“No. He’s some hot-shot doctor and maybe the only chance of reversing the sickness. His affection for you was apparent when he spoke about you. I know a jealous man when I see one.”
I undo his pants and his erection springs free. He reaches down and guides it inside of me.
“You are mine. No one will ever take you away from me again.”
“Judea.” I gasp when he drives into me.
“I missed being inside you. This is mine. All of you is mine.”
We do it twice and doze in the tent during the hottest part of the day. Judea wakes me up with a sweet tasting kiss and his body on top of me. I missed this so much.
“I love you.”
I know he does. We cross the desert hand in hand, glove in glove, he in his mask, me in my scarves. We are on a quest to get home to our son. He steals a black Corvette from the old man’s barn and has it hotwired in under a minute. He helps himself to a couple cans of gas and we are off.
“The old man was nice.”
“Titus will be pissed if I show up without his car. The old man traded me the Vette for a pop-tent and a few cans of spam. I returned the tent and left money for the spam.”
“And the gas?”
“These are hard times. He should get a dog.”
“You are mean, Judea.” I touch his cheek with my calloused fingers. I brush his hair back behind his ear. So, perfect. He kisses my hand.
“Uncover your face. I want to look at you.”
I do as he says. My scar has settled and the raised skin is shiny like plastic. It pulls the corner of my eye down and lifts the corner of my mouth up. Not a lot, but, a little is too much in instances like this. His hand cups my bad cheek.
“You will always be the prettiest thing that I’ve ever seen.”
I blush and tilt my face into his hand. I love it when he touches me.
“I desire you above any other woman. Looking at you makes my heart beat funny.”
“Looking at you makes me believe in heaven.” I whisper.
His eyes and his voice soften. He takes my hand with the missing finger.
“Duma, I chose you because I want you. This isn’t some divine miracle. This is love. I love you.”
The roads out west are smooth and unrestricted for miles. The sad thing about the sickness is people in rural areas thought it was like any other flu and stayed home where they died in their beds. There was no mass hysteria or clogged highways. Judea drives until the gas runs low. He uses the cans and we coast into town in under six hours on gas fumes. The car sputters to a stop near downtown and we walk from there. I don’t mind. I prefer being outdoors after being in prison for months. The dark neighborhoods once spooked me. Seeing row after row of empty houses spooked a fear of what could be hiding inside of them. Now, we walk in the black like we are strolling through the park. Only, we have guns in our hands. The brothers from church are all camped out in a house at the bottom of the hill. They are singing in worship and passing around the communion wine. There are fires going and meat smoking for the trip home. They all grow quiet when they see me.
“Good Reverend, why do you bring this Jezebel among us?”
“Elder Edward, with all due respect, this is none of your concern. This is not any of your concern.” He says to the group. “I’ll come down and speak with you in the morning.”
“You brought her back to face punishment. My apologies for speaking in anger. She is her mother’s child in every wicked way. God speed, Reverend. We will pray for her black soul.”
That part makes me gasp. Black soul? Am I really as bad as all of that? The house smells like pine oil and food when we step inside. The wives coming running when they hear the door open.
“Husband?”
They are confused and nervous when they see me. Because I left the church and I shouldn’t be here. Judea starts stripping out of his gear.
“Turn on the shower in my bedroom and make her something to eat. After Duma is clean and eats her supper, she’ll be ready to nurse my son. She doesn’t need your condemnation right now. She needs prayer and rest.”
“Yes, Husband. Welcome home, Goodwife. I made chicken and rice with gravy and biscuits. Jennifer baked a cherry pie. I’ll warm it up for you. Welcome home husband, I prayed for your swift return.”
She’s mooning at Judea like the girls in town did. I let my eyes travel over the beautiful girl. Oh, my God. I can’t speak. I can’t move. I can only stare. Is she pregnant? God, no . , No. His hands catch me when my knees go out underneath me. No. No, Judea. Not this.
“I wanted to tell you. I didn’t know how.”
I’m not listening to him. I’m numb. I don’t know what to do. So, I cry.
“We are still a family, Dumani. We are still together. I still need you. ”
“How could you?” I choke out . “How could you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? I was stolen. I didn’t leave you. I thought you loved me. ”
“I do love you . You know I do. I can’t say anything in my defense. I fucked up , Dumani.”
I’m not listening. I’m not even here anymore. I’m in a hurtful place that I can’t explain. I can’t describe it. I’m choking on it and dead inside.
“Why?” Am I screaming at him? “Why did you do this?” I’ve never been so upset in my life. Not even when I watched him marry those women. I swing on him and kick at him blindly. The wives are watching on with the same horrified look on their faces. I am out of control. He drags me into the bedroom kicking the door closed behind us. I tear myself away from him and walk to the far side of the small bedroom. It’s as far away from him as I can get. I wrap my arms around myself to protect myself from any more harm. Judea follows me. He falls to his knees at my feet. I can’t look at him right now. I don’t trust him anymore.
“Duma, I’m so fucking sorry.” He sobs into my dusty dress. didn’t w “I’m so fucking ashamed. I’m a piece of shit for what I did. It was selfish and wrong. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means I’m a fucked-up person. Please, don’t hate me. ”
I push him away again. He wraps his arms around my waist again. I love him so much. I would do anything for him. He hurt me so deep. I still want him. I missed him so much.
“I love you, Dumani. I swear it.”
Jude stands up and w e and hold e ac ac h other because we were apart for so long. We hold each other in the shower when my tears won’t stop. I dry off, powder up, and slip into a clean gown. I stand by the boarded -up window in the bathroom for a long time afterwar d staring at the tile floor. I don’t want to go out there. I don’t want to see her again. I don’t want to see th e m. I n here, they don’t exist. In here they can’t see me cry.
“You can’t stay in the bathroom all night. You need to eat something. ”
“Why did you do i t?”
“I ’m selfish . That’s why I did it. I was pleasing myself.”
“What about me? If we are pleasing you and you are pleasing you, who is going to please me?”
“Duma, I will please you. ” He kisses me deeply. “I will please you forever.”
I used to believe him when he wa s holding me this way. It’s t he same way he hold s them. feel
“You are distant. I can feel it and it scares me . Don’t you love me anymore?” He asks quietly.
I love him. I don’t know how to stop loving him . I ’m hurting right now . He lied to me. He broke our trust . He ruined it. His hands travel down my sides and rest on my hips.
“Duma ni , tell me that you still love me. ” Judea takes my face in his hands. “Tell me you lov
e me the way I love you.” He forces me to look at him. He dares me to lie.
“I love you.” I give him what he wants. I give him the truth. This man is my always.
“My love.” His voice is a kiss inside my ear. “My sweet wife.”
We leave the bedroom together and join his wives in the kitchen. They smile with longing when they see him. They don’t look at me. We all want the same thing. We want Judea. I settle into the chair across from him and one over. I chose this chair carefully. I don’t want to see his face every time I look up. I don’t want to look at any of them. I’m not sure if I want to be here right now. It doesn’t feel right. This doesn’t feel like us anymore. This doesn’t feel like a homecoming. This is not what I expected. This is not what I wanted. It’s the way of things and if I’m going to stay in the church, it is something I must accept. I feel sick. I feel so sick. I’m not hungry anymore. I want to take my son and lie down for a while.
“Dumani?” The worried look on his face says he’s called me a few times. I can’t look at him right now. This is his fault.
“Yes?” I answer my hands.
human again when I sit down at the wood en table acros “Sit beside me. I want you close to me.”
I sit beside him and take my baby. He’s so soft and sweet smelling. He smiles his gummy smile. Judea’s arms come around me and he cradles the both of us to his chest. The way I dreamed he would when I was locked away from him. These other women weren’t his lovers in my dreams. There was no new baby on the way. Judea’s sadness is the same as my own.
“I’m so sorry.” His voice is scratchy. Mine won’t come. I have nothing else to say. I wipe my eyes. “I wasn’t thinking about this part when it was happening, Duma.”
I let him take comfort in holding me and our son. It makes him feel better. It doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me think about him holding them. I bite my lip when he releases me. Judea leaves one arm around me. He watches our baby nurse at my breasts smoothing his dark hair fondly.
“He’s such a beautiful baby. I always knew we would make beautiful babies. I want you to rest for a week before we travel again. There are caravans of survivors crossing the country in groups. I want to find one heading north.”
The Doomsday Papers Page 25
