“Judea, why?”
“Because I wanted him dead, that’s why. Because I want to go home to an empty house. The world is better off without him. I gave him a decent burial, in the pig pen.”
“He was your father.”
“He was a demon and a rapist of women and children. Don’t tell me how to mourn him.”
We grow quiet. Our hands clasp together and our fingers lock.
“I was one of his favorites until I was old enough to pummel him into my bedroom floor. Do not tell me we need this church.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I made sure it didn’t happen to you, Duma.”
“No one ever looked my way.”
“Because I would have stabbed him in both eyes.”
I giggle an un-lady like giggle. He tilts up my chin and pushes my hair back.
“Boys fuck fat girls too. I don’t understand why you put so much power into good looks.”
“Because I never had them. The pretty sisters are married first. You know that.”
“Look how pretty Jennifer and Francesca are. I’d still rather look at you and make love to you. They are good women and they searched for you as hard as I did. I grew fond of them over the months. They are useful.”
“Do you want to make love to them?”
“No. I want to make love to you. I want to be with you.”
I watch them puttering around the kitchen cleaning up after the Deacons without complaint. It used to be my job. I look around the spotless house. I smell what is probably dinner cooking already. They are useful. I still don’t like them.
“Judea, what happened to my mother? Are the things they say true?”
“Dumani, it isn’t my place to talk about your mother. Whatever happened is in the past.”
“As my husband, it is your place to talk about everything. Who else will tell me?”
“I don’t want to hurt you or make you anymore confused. You should wait and ask her.”
“She barely speaks to anyone. Do you think she will talk about being raped?”
“There was no rape.” He says tightly. “Your mother wasn’t raped and she wasn’t a whore. Don’t believe the things they say about her. Yes, she left. She wasn’t happy and she left. Naomi hates the church.”
“Did she tell you this?”
“Of course, not. She told my mother. They were close before my father forbade them from seeing each other. Naomi didn’t want to marry Shadrach. She was in love with another man. A man she met in town.”
“A commoner?” I gasp. “Mother was in love with a commoner?”
“He wasn’t from around here. They fell in love over the summer and when he went home, he took her with him. Your father was crushed. She came back and asked for forgiveness. I guess Shadrach loved Naomi the way I love you. He married her anyway and claimed you.”
“Is the commoner my real father? Is that why everyone hates me?”
“No one hates you.”
“It’s true. My mother is a whore.” I’m devastated all over again. “I’m a commoner’s bastard. I’m nothing. And they still let you marry me? Why?”
“Because I wouldn’t take no for an answer. I wanted you. I don’t care who your father was. Your mother couldn’t help who she loved any more than we can help loving each other.”
“I’m an outsider. You shouldn’t be with me. This is why you married them, isn’t it? To have a respectable wife?”
“You are respectable.” He says stiffly. “None of this is your fault.”
“Why did my mother come back after she left the church?”
“I don’t know. She never talked about it.”
“I never would’ve left if I’d known my mother ran off. Now, everyone thinks I’m a whore too. I didn’t know about any of this.”
“You aren’t supposed to. The church’s secrets are many. You can’t change it.”
“Titus isn’t my brother?” My eyes fill with tears. “My mother is my only relative?”
“Titus doesn’t know that Shadrach isn’t your father. There is no reason to tell him. I wish I hadn’t told you. This is too much stress.”
“I’ll be alright, Judea. I needed to know the truth.”
My father denied me to my face with no explanation. Now, I have one. My mother left the church and I followed in her footsteps. I hold my baby to my chest like he’s all I have left. Because he is all I have left. Nothing about my life is real. Not my family or my marriage.
“I’m sorry, Duma. The sickness brought out the crazy in people. No one mentioned your mother when my father was alive. They are emboldened and still mad at her for leaving.”
“It isn’t your fault either. I don’t know whose fault it is. My mother?”
“It isn’t Naomi’s fault. She fell in love. It happens.”
“Why are you defending her? Mother broke her contract and left the church. She came back pregnant by a stranger.”
“I defend her because I know how it feels to love someone you aren’t supposed to love. She didn’t want to live with other women. You and I are having the same issue right now.”
“What do you want me to do, Judea?”
“Try.” He says sadly. “You don’t have to like the women. But, please try to get along. I don’t have to fuck them, Duma. I have to provide for them.”
“Is there anything I can do for you, Goodwife? I can watch over Judea if you and husband want to go for a walk. It’s a beautiful day.” They’re back.
It is a beautiful day, isn’t it? When I look into her beautiful eyes, I see submission and longing. The other girl stands beside her.
“I’ve taken in half of my dresses for you, Goodwife. I hope they will do until we find better. I put on a roast for supper and I made sweet tea. I can get you a glass.”
“Look at me.” I tell them.
They look up at me with bright eyes. They don’t blink or swallow or show any signs of discomfort looking at my face. Jude prepared them and they are ready.
“You were cut saving our husband. You have a place of honor in our home. We heard what the Deacons said. We aren’t going back. Our place is here with the two of you. We are a family.”
“I love this man more than anything in the world behind my son. I love him and we didn’t plan to take any wives. We were going to be a couple. This isn’t what we wanted.”
“He explained it to us. I’m sorry for causing you any pain. It’s not what we want to do. I know you don’t want us here. Please give us a chance. We want to stay.”
“Do you love him?”
“I would die for him. I love you and Francesca too, and the baby. I want you to love me.”
I’m surprised. I don’t want to like her. I don’t want to like either of them. They are kind just like Jude said. I can see why he came to care for them. They are pretty and mild natured. This house is too small for all of us. I feel sorry for them. I should be nicer to them and try to include them more. After all, my husband wants to keep them. We’ll need the help when we get home. The baby will be a playmate for Judea. The kids will be like me and Titus except we won’t mistreat each other or put the fat girl over the barn. I don’t want to do it but what else can I do? We’ll need children to keep our ways alive and to fill the empty spaces left by the dead. Father had four wives, we have three. I touch the dark haired one’s smooth cheek. She smiles.
“Put your hair away and never wear it out again when you are outside of the house or in the company of others.”
“I’m sorry, Goodwife. Our Fathers told us that the good Reverend might find us more appealing if we wear our hair out. It was always covered before.”
“We only wear our hair out for our husband. We respect him in the old way as is befitting him. He is a good man and we are lucky to have him.”
“Yes, Goodwife.”
“Cover your hair. We can all take a walk together.” I suggest.
They smile like I offered them the moon before hurrying off to do as I say. I am do
ing it for him. Jude grabs me and kisses me hard. I kiss him back pressing myself against him like a wanton. If he wants them, he can keep them. It’s less work for me. What matters to me is he only makes love to me and I am the one in his bed every night.
“I love you, Goodwife.”
“And I love you.”
“Are you angry about her child? Are you going to be okay with it?”
“I’ll always be angry. I’ll never forgive you but it is a part of you and I love you.”
“You are a wonderful wife.”
“I have a beautiful son and handsome husband. I have two women cooking and cleaning and taking care of you. I’m happy.” I lie. I am not happy. I am sacrificing myself for him.
Their hair is tucked under a wrap much like mine when they return. They look more comfortable this way. Jude carries the baby and I carry his shotgun. We are all armed and I am carrying my pack just in case. He tells them about their new home and the snow. It snows so much. They talk about crops and weaving cloth and making clothes. Important things. We stop when we reach a bluff. It’s beautiful with the sun hanging low in the sky. Jude kisses me and whispers how much he loves me into my ear. His love is like the sun.
“I’m so happy you’re home with me. I missed you so fucking much.”
Jude means it. He hasn’t stopped touching me since I’ve been back. I don’t want him to. I want him to touch me. His hand cups my hard, swollen, breast. He sits me down on a rock and settles the baby in my lap. His fingers undo the front of my dress pulling it open until a breast spills out. My son is champ. He sees a nipple and he is all over it. I nurse him and we head back down. We clean-up for dinner and the four of us sit down to the third wife’s delicious pot roast. I help them clean the kitchen tonight as Jude plays with the baby in the living room. The third wife goes to bed early. Jude goes in to say goodnight alone. I count every painful second. He comes back a few minutes later. The second wife gives Judea a bath in the sink as his father and I stand at the counter drinking liquor. I’m mostly choking. It’s terrible.
“It’s vodka, it will relax you. Jennifer is putting the baby down and you don’t have to nurse him again tonight.”
I swallow a little more. It isn’t working. The second wife is more used to it than me. She takes sips as she bathes my splashing baby. She sings little songs and makes silly sounds to get him to smile.
“Aren’t you a handsome boy? Who’s our handsome boy? You are just like your father.”
Jude kisses her cheek and she blushes. I frown inside. I want to be happy for them. Look how much she adores my son. Look how much she loves him. Look how much he loves her. I can see it in the way he smiles at her. I don’t say anything when he kisses her cheek again. She’s sweet and he loves her. I watch him stand beside her and help her finish our son’s bath. I don’t feel any anger or resentment. I feel hurt. They dress him and she puts him in with the third wife. The three of us sit at the table and Judea teaches us how to play poker. It’s a fantastic disaster. I’m laughing and I don’t even know why. The room is wobbly. Jude makes sure the doors are locked and the curtains tight before walking over to the stereo and shuffling through shiny disks. He finds the one he wants and puts it in. He turns it up loud and I blush all over.
“I heard you humming this song earlier. I am the son of a preacher man after all. Come and dance with me, Dumani.”
“Judea, I can’t dance. I’ve never danced in my life. It’s inappropriate.”
He pulls me close to him and starts to move. I’m embarrassed. I can’t dance. His hands find my hips and begin to guide me.
“Move your hips like we are in bed.” He says.
“You are the devil.” I tell him. It’s the liquor that makes me swing my hips. It looks silly but it feels good and Judea is beaming with pride. The second wife is laughing and clapping her hands off-beat.
“You are so sexy.”
He pulls me close and we really cut up. I feel different. I feel bolder. I feel better. He waves Jennifer over who is more than ready to start jumping around. It’s my turn to laugh but she is having so much fun that I encourage her. Jude dances between us looking happier than he has in a long time. When he turns to dance with her, I notice how familiar they are and how good she is. They do this pretty often. They were drinking and dancing and fucking while I was dying of separation anxiety. I don’t get to obsess over it. Judea is kissing me and touching me under my dress. Yes. This is what I need right now. Him. He breaks our kiss to grab the back of Jennifer’s head and kiss her too while he is still holding me. He turns back to me and we are kissing and touching again. He lets me go.
“Kiss her, Dumani. Kiss her the way you kiss me.”
Chapter Twenty-six
I kiss her. I don’t have it in me to say no. I want to try for him. Besides, it isn’t terrible. The second wife kisses me back as he holds her from behind squeezing her breasts and kissing the side of her neck. She kisses me deeper. Jude’s hand reaches around her to squeeze my bottom. The second wife and I are kissing like we are in love.
“Get on your knees and kiss like this.” He says undoing his belt.
The second wife and I slide down onto our knees and we kiss the way he tells us to. I’m too fuzzy headed to think straight and doing bad things feels good between my legs. He brings us up to waist level and puts his dick between our mouths.
“This why a man is meant to have two wives.” He groans.
Judea strokes himself between our wet lips and over our clashing tongues. We lick him together and we take turns sucking him. I hold her head and feel her breasts when she is sucking him alone. Our husband comes between our mouths. We share the taste of him on each other’s lips. He takes us each by the hand and into the bedroom where he locks the door.
“Undress.”
Judea lights a single candle and undresses himself as he watches. He crooks a finger at me. He pulls me against his naked body and he kisses me before he pushes me back on the bed. His lips leave mine to spread my legs and expose my secret and everything else down there.
“Suck my dick, Jenni. Suck me while I’m eating her pussy.”
This is not what I saw Jude’s father doing. There was no licking and sucking. The only person doing anything was him. The second wife’s mouth is making wet sounds as she sucks him. He licks me deeper moaning against me. I watch her dark head moving between his legs and it makes me feel hot. Why? I don’t know. I still don’t like her. He pulls her up and kisses her before he pushes her face between my legs.
“Lick it good for her. Make my woman feel good. She likes it when you suck right here. Suck it harder. Suck it the way you suck me. That’s a good wife. Put your finger inside her. Yes, see, she likes it. Show her what a good little whore you are for me. Show her the dirty things you let me do to you. Spread your legs so I can play with your pussy, Jenni. I like fucking your little pussy. You are so wet. Do you like it when I say dirty things to you? Do you like licking pussy and sucking dick and taking it in the ass like a town girl? I knew you were going to be fun when you let me put it in your ass, Jenni.”
His hand is between her legs finger fucking her as she licks me.
“Please, put it in me. I need it. Please?”
“No.” He fingers her harder. “The dick is reserved for Dumani. Cum, you pretty slut. You can cum without me touching you. I know you. There it is. Cum for me.”
She comes whimpering against my throbbing pussy. He pushes her off and lowers himself on top of me. Judea slides in easy.
“Goodnight, Jennifer.”
He is inside of me stroking deep before she gathers her clothes.
“Goodnight.” She leaves the room smiling..
“All that dirty business has you wet. Raise your knees, Dumani. Don’t be afraid of the dick.”
I am not afraid of it. Not all the time. Not now.
“I want it.” I whisper. “I need it.”
“I’m going to give it to you, Beloved. I’m going to fuck you until you
can’t walk.”
“In the ass?” I ask curiously.
His body jerks unexpectedly and his dick pulses inside me. Judea groans in misery.
“Goddamn it, Dumani. We talked about this shit. You can’t go repeating everything you hear. I fucking came. I couldn’t stop it.”
“Because you want to fu—?”
“No! Yes! No, not with you. I don’t have to do it with you.”
“Why not? You don’t want to? Don’t you like it?”
“Dumani, it hurts and it’s not something that I have to do every day. I like it, of course I like it. I’m a slutty man and I like fucking but I don’t have to fuck you in the ass. I do it with them because I can and you want to do it to please me. I don’t want you to do that for me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Sweetheart, I would love to fuck you in the ass. My dick is hard again thinking about it but I won’t. Not with you. I can do it if I want to. I know that but let’s work up to it. Maybe in time but not yet. I don’t care how I fuck them. I do care about the way I treat you. Yes, we played around and you both sucked my dick. It was naughty. Coming in your faces and forcing a dick the size of mine up your virgin asshole is not on the same level of naughty.”
“Did it hurt them?”
“Jenni bled for three days the first time. Francesca loves it but that’s because someone used her ass long and hard before I married her. She was a virgin where it mattered.”
“They love you and you love them. I’m glad you are finally happy, Judea. You deserve it.”
“I don’t deserve you.” He says sadly. “My happiness is a trade-off for yours.”
“I’m happy.”
“No, you aren’t. I know you. I know when you’re happy and you haven’t been happy since I brought you back. Tell me what to do, Dumani?”
“Love me, Judea. Love me the way I love you.” I murmur drowsily.
The Doomsday Papers Page 27
